Typical Female Behavior - Essay Example

Anna is a 28-year-old woman who has serious troubles with her long-term partner, Albert. Anna was feeling anxious and depressed during the last couple of months due to a great number of problems; however, the patient denies it and tells that she is feeling uncomfortable in her body. The relationship deteriorated when Anna`s boyfriend moved to another city for temporary work. They started quarrelling often and could not decide upon where they were going to live eventually. Anna became suspicious about Albert`s fidelity since he was showing low interest in her and was getting more and more detached. The client had very difficult relationships with her mother and was quarrelling with her often. In order to avoid conflicts the woman did not attend family meetings mostly. However, Anna was comfortable in her father`s company and was rather close to him. In Anna`s own family parents did not express feelings much, and the woman got used to suppressing her feelings. Her boyfriend was complaining about solitude and exhaustion while Anna could hardly understand his troubles. Feeling lonely was a common thing to Anna but Albert blamed her with indifference and lack of compassion. While she remarked that the choice was his personal and she could not share his burden, she viewed his behavior as infantile. Every time the couple had a telephone talk they started arguing. This was the reason why Anna decided to find a counselor. The situation at work was also complicated. Anna was supposed to get a promotion but in the last moment her colleague received better position and Anna was simply ignored by her boss. In the course of the dialogue it became clear that in Anna`s own family conflicts were rare. On the one hand Anna`s mother was a powerful bossy woman who defined the life style of all the members of the family. Anna`s father on the other hand was easy-going and calm in nature and did not like arguing. So when any misunderstanding appeared Anna`s parents denied it generally or solved it from Anna`s mother perspective. Anna remembers being guilty before her mother and apologizing regularly. The style of communication in the family was inflexible and rigid with mother`s domineering position. However, the situation started changing with Anna getting older. Anna`s mother started manipulating the daughter with the help of emotions. The woman was also excessively sensitive, and all the family mood was adjusted to Anna`s mother mood. In the course of the therapy it became clear that Anna used a recurrent pattern with her mother: as soon as they started communicating with Anna insisting on something, Anna`s mother became sensitive and started crying. It resulted in Anna`s denying difficult emotions and suppressing them permanently, moreover, Anna got so used to such outbursts of emotions that became insensitive to them. In her problematic relationship with her boyfriend Anna does not understand the nature of complaints since she thinks it is not manly to express sadness and fear. Albert sees Anna as cold and emotionally unavailable partner from his perspective. In the therapy I would ask Anna to think over her problems in her parental family and do family sculpting. In the course of the session it becomes clear that Anna placed figures in a way that father`s figure protects her from mother`s figure. Mother`s figure is bigger than her own figure while father`s figure stands between them. Anna reveals that her communication with the mother is painful and most of the time she tries to protect herself from her mother`s emotions. It is clear that Anna is unable to deal with conflict and to resist her mother. Anna considers conflicts unnatural and prefers to avoid them. Anna is also unable to differentiate between her own feelings. It is likely that Anna repeats family behavioral pattern in the relationships with her partner avoiding complicated and controversial emotions and conflicts. Moreover, she cannot built strong intimate relationships as she is prone to protect herself from mother`s manipulation. In the sculpture with Albert Anna placed both figures in front of each other. It seems that the patient tries to avoid conflicts being unable to deal with them and the emotions that appear during conflicts properly. The position of the figures signifies distance. Anna keeps distance from her partner, which makes him see Anna as emotionally unavailable and cold. It has become clear because the circumstances of their habitual living have changed and they have to keep the contact on distance. Speaking on the phone it is impossible to express emotions or show some warmth with eyes, touch or smile. So for Anna Albert`s attempts to evoke some compassion reminded her mother`s emotional manipulation that is why she has chosen emotionless way of behavior. The desire to protect herself from emotions and not to face them is common for Anna. Instead of trying to defend herself or hide beyond someone Anna needs to talk about her Anna supposes that if she could learn how to deal with her mother, it would be easier for her to understand her partner. I would ask Anna about her own feeling during dialogues with her mother: What does Anna feel when mother starts crying? What are the most provocative topics for Anna`s mother? What emotion does Anna feel talking to her partner? What topics are the most sensitive to Albert? These questions can make Anna realize her emotions and accept them as normal. The client needs to understand that it is possible to combine several contradictory emotions and control them. It is also possible to be compassionate without being involved for too much. It is important for Anna to know that expressing her emotions, talking about them with her relatives will release the tension in the situation. So the first step for Anna would be facing, recognizing, and dealing with her real suppressed emotions. What was revealed further is that Anna has rather stable and rigid concepts about gender roles. In the dialogue Anna mentions several times phrases like “Albert as a man is supposed to be strong and calm”, “ mother`s typical female behavior”. Anna got used to the thought that gender roles are assigned to the people from birth since this is what was taught to her by her parents. In Anna`s understanding women can be emotional, sensitive, and unstable in their choice. However, men need to be firm and hide their troubles and problems because they are supposed to cope with difficulties without emotions by themselves. This balance always served as a basis in Anna`s family. Rigid gender roles which became stable in Anna`s own family played negative role in her relationships with the boyfriend. I asked Anna to try to imagine Albert`s feeling towards the situation. Anna described Albert`s feelings on a new position as bewildered, awkward, lost, and uncomfortable. Lacking support. When we tried to outline the dichotomy between men and women and describe each category with typical qualities Anna made the following work: Men Strong, emotionless, rigid, serious, reliable, stable, detached, decisive, acting, initiative, leading, logical, wise. Women Moody, unstable, expressive, unable to control their emotions, unreliable, indecisive, passive, irrational, sensitive. I would encourage Anna to think whether she could fit in the woman`s category in her table, and she revealed that she associated herself with qualities from the left part of the table more. She aimed to develop “masculine” traits of character such as logical thinking, emotional stability, and initiative. After the discussion Anna accepted the fact that he vision of this categories does not coincide with the vision of her boyfriend who grew up in a single-parent family brought up by his mother. She also accepted the fact that such rigid categorization makes each man and woman act according to the scenarios and prevent from free expressing one`s thoughts. Gender roles are formed within culture and historical period, and what is accepted in one country for women is regarded as inappropriate in another. Anna felt pressure imposed by gender roles accepted in her family and tried to fit her boyfriend into this role. Therapy made her realize that sticking and fitting into these categories and making other do it cause tension and creates conflicts. Inability to be “a real woman” and “a real man” causes frustration and depression for both partners. Therapy helped Anna realized that dichotomy is a subjective, and he and her partner viewed gender roles from different perspectives. Moreover, Anna would be advised to talk about Albert`s perception of gender roles and explain him their possible misunderstanding. Emotionality, which in many cases is perceived as typical feminine quality is the trait of character pertinent to both genders. When a man starts expressing anger, fear, sadness, it puzzles the woman if she accepts such strict categorization. In Anna`s case the woman denied herself in excessive emotionality in order not to look like her mother. At the same time she did not understand that it triggered reaction from her partner- he started being detached and afraid to express his own emotions. Anna`s inability to accept her sadness, dissatisfaction and rejecting these feeling resulted in conflict between her real self and the mask she has to wear to be a woman. Due to unexpected circumstances her partner also got involved into Anna`s internal conflict because any changes that occur in one member of the family affect all the other members. From the systematic perspective personal distress is located within the relationships because family is a coherent unit with all parts functioning in harmony. So Anna has to understand that her problems inevitably cause distress for her partner and vice versa. Viewing lack of emotion as a typical masculinity was the result of exhausting daily struggle to fit her partner in the role of “an ideal man”. So Anna`s depression and anxiety stimulated Albert`s similar state, and the couple was stuck. Each dialogue on the phone resembled recurrent interaction pattern. Anna asked Albert about his life and his work. He started telling her about the problems at work and his feeling of depression and solitude. It was the first experience for Albert of living alone, and he felt uncomfortable and puzzled. Moreover, his work was exhausting and demanded a lot of time. Anna was also tired and not satisfied with Albert`s decision to move out that is why his complaints irritated the woman. She started arguing about his decision to work in another town and wanted him to take all the responsibility for his decision. She also repeated him that he had to behave as a man which provoked more conflicts. Such conflicts became regular, and the couple did not know how to get out of the close circle. Apart from these Anna had problems at work. She could not build strong friendly relationships with anyone from her surrounding as she did not see people as coherent personalities. Despite the fact that she was working hard she could not het promotion because she lacked social skills which were important for her profession. Anna worked as an interpreter but her inability to communicate to people freely and sincerely was noticed in her company. So Anna`s personal problems became the reason of her professional problems. I would advise Anna to make pauses in her dialogue with Albert and to accept her own feelings of irritation and depression. She had to think over gender roles together with the partner and discuss it. But above all Anna had to accept her partner`s feelings. Being depressed or feeling fear does not mean losing manhood, it means feeling and being human. I would also advise Anna to create recognizable barriers between her and her mother and start talking about her real emotions. The work on this assignment was interesting and challenging for me. It made me rethink conflicts in my own family and recall the moments when these conflicts got recurrent patterns. Now I realize that it is possible to break through the relapsing ways of behavior. Moreover, information about gender, race, and sexuality was useful for me making me realize how sadness can be triggered by strict dichotomy. References Barker, M., Vossler, A., & Langdridge, D. (2010) Understanding counseling and psychotherapy. London: SAGE Publications. Read More