Why Do Good Guys Finish Last and Good Girls Like Bad Boys - Research Paper Example

 Why Do Good Guys Finish Last and Good Girls Like Bad Boys Abstract In the daring game of close relationships, why do good guys finish last and good girls like bad boys? While looking at the factors that create the concept of “good boy” and “good girl” it becomes evident that there is a dysfunctional definition involved. The Dark Triad personality is a highly visible, extroverted, charismatic, and antisocial personality that preys on normal people to feed their egotistical imbalances. This creates maladaptive relationships that cause great emotional pain and suffering long after the relationship is ended. Dark Triad personalities are particularly drawn to co-dependent personalities that take care of them and feed their egos. What the media glorifies as the most desirable type of partner is, in reality, a dysfunctional one. Healthy relationships that are emotionally fulfilling and long lasting depend on them being composed of healthy partners; not dysfunctional ones. Why Do Good Guys Finish Last and Good Girls Like Bad Boys It always seems like the good guys finish last and the good girls like the bad boys; why is that? Throughout history there are so many accounts of relationships where one was destructive and the other was nearly sainted. It’s often said that opposites attract, yet how is it that those opposites also nearly destroy each other in the relationship process? The dating process is aimed at bringing compatible people together, yet what often happens is that compatibility is based on something other than normal relations. The fact that good guys finish last is largely due to the fact that good girls like bad boys. What’s the attraction? What makes a nice girl choose someone who either cheats on her or hurts her in one way or another? Why do so many women put up with that? It almost seems like a nice guy can’t win. There is a term, the Dark Triad of Personality, (Paulhus, Williams, & Hare, 2002) that was created in the late 20th century to describe a group of three distinctly different, yet related personality traits Machiavellianism, narcissism, and subclinical psychopathy. All three are exploitative, short-term and socially negative. People with this personality triad are very attractive, charismatic people who, for some reason, never seem to lack for either excitement, or someone to share it with. They are people who view the world in terms of how it benefits them, favoring immediate gratification over the sacrifice of waiting for long term gains. This relationship personality is described as having an arrogant and deceitful interpersonal style, deficient affective experience, and, impulsive and irresponsible behavioral style. (Jonason, Kavanaugh, 2010) Individuals who have the Dark Triad personality prefer a short-term style of relating; they keep people at an emotional distance through game playing and cerebral approach to personal relationships. The game playing approach is what is known as ludus; these relationships are marked by high turn over of partners; a cat and mouse kind of game. The pragma approach is a cerebral style where relationships are mind or head oriented instead of involving the heart. People in these kinds of relationships have limited abilities to show empathy; their emotional systems don’t process the flow of the relationship. These relationships are superficial, often practical, and usually based on eros as opposed to agape. They are not long lasting, fulfilling relationships, just a means to an end. There is very little closeness, selflessness, or intimacy. It is thought these individuals experienced little empathy and caring, as well as having inconsistent early childhood interactions with caregivers. Twin studies have shown moderate-to-large inherited traits for both narcissism and psychopathy, and a smaller genetic influence on Machiavellianism; largely due to environmental factors. (Jonason & Kavanaugh, 2010) Numerous researchers have agreed that there are five common personality indicators through which all personalities can be described; they are known as the Five Factor Model. They define personalities as to their degree of extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, stability, and openness. Through these indicators, the Dark Triad personality has come to be known as an antisocial personality. (McCrae & John, 2000) The Dark Triad personality appears to have a high degree of extraversion, and a low degree of the other four personality indicators; thereby making it extremely attractive and charismatic to the society at large, yet when the other factors are applied, it comes up short in being able to sustain relationships. It uses game playing to create sufficient excitement and sensationalism to create a charismatic drawing quality to those in the immediate surroundings. It often appears to use a coordinated strategy for dealing with relationships and life in general. This strategy is often viewed as an exploitative, cheater style that in the end seems to win. It is characterized by a fast lifestyle approach, usually involving risky behaviors, deviance, selfishness, short-term gains, and aggressiveness. Often close relationships are viewed as to their beneficence to the object of their desire. Their social style is competitive and individualistic; they are set apart from the rest. The other person in these relationships simply doesn’t exist aside from what they can provide the Dark Triad personality; they are used and usually abused for personal gain. This antisocial personality offers a heartless, game-playing kind of relationship. (Foster, Llan, & Campbell, 2006) It would be beneficial to take a closer look at the three major personality traits that comprise the Dark Triad personality. Through discovering the make up of each one, we can see how they work together to create a lifestyle approach that not only serves them well, but is so attractive to the opposite sex, as well as social organizations. Thomas suggests that narcissists have traits that are commonly displayed in interpersonal interactions. (Thomas, 2004) Narcissistic individuals tend to think they are better than others; they are selfish with resources, success oriented, highly self-monitored and regulated. They have an excessive need for affirmation and admiration; never letting the topic go very far from how life relates to themselves. Whenever there is a discrepancy or conflict, they never assume responsibility for their actions, as it is always someone else’s fault for what happened. They tend to be power hungry and self-serving, often lacking limits and values. (Lubit, 2002) They are easily bored and not usually considerate of others. It is believed that they suffered traumatic childhoods that prevented them from developing any true sense of self-esteem, as well as from learning how to be considerate of others. They attempt to overcompensate for this as adults by using people, and, bragging and claiming to be experts at whatever they are attempting to do. (Thomas, 2004) The narcissistic personality has poor relational functioning, as evidenced by low levels of commitment and emotional intimacy, and high levels of infidelity. They tend to prefer partners that make them feel unique and powerful, and create a social pedestal for them, as opposed to partners who satisfy their needs for warmth and emotional intimacy. (Foster, et al, 2006) Hotchkiss has identified seven predominant character traits that create the antisocial behaviors of those with a narcissistic personality. Shame and the inability to have healthy coping mechanisms for shame is the main driving force behind this personality. They also use magical thinking to delude themselves that they are perfect; dumping the blame for any imperfections on others. At times when they feel inadequate, they often use arrogance to degrade another. They are envious and may appear superior to another person in order to mask their feelings of insecurity. Most narcissists have a tremendous sense of entitlement; those who don’t agree with how special they are may be deemed as wrong, bad, difficult, and they often fly into a rage when they feel threatened. They exploit those around them as though they believe them to be subservient, whether real or imagined. Most of all, they have very poorly defined boundaries; not recognizing that others are not an extension of themselves. They view others as existing solely to meet the narcissist’s needs. They possess superficial charm, lack of remorse or guilt, lack of empathy, are pathological liars, and manipulative. Codependency is a tendency to be overly passive or excessively caretaking in ways that negatively affect one's quality of life and relationships; this is a fatal attraction for a co-dependent personality. (Hotchkiss & Masterson, 2003) In the case of cross-cultural narcissism, one brings to a new country his traditions and nationalistic pride. The refusal to adapt to the new environment makes him appear unique and special. These men often create relationships with borderline personality type women that adore them and are taken in by men from another culture. Social interactions focus on people who always reflect the most positive view; they are highly manipulative and exploitative, yet seen as charismatic and entertaining. ( Lachkar, 2008) Machiavellianism is another antisocial personality that forms part of the Dark Triad. It is characterized by manipulation and double standards in business dealings and general behavior. People with this personality deliberately manipulate and deceive others for their own personal gain; they tend to be charming, coercive, secretive, and silent. Women tend to employ whining and crying tactics, while men tend to use abstract logic and reason to manipulate others. These people are highly agreeable, using reason, pleasure and induction, yet when game-playing to win they can be coercive and give the silent treatment. They are emotionally unstable people. (Nederman, 2009) Machiavellian personalities prefer situations that have loose structure and very few rules to cramp their style in exploiting and manipulating others. They enjoy creating situations that will cause anger and aggression in others. Their power comes from their abilities to cause others to lose control of the situation; they are deceptive and cunning. (Nederman, 2009) The three main mechanisms of social interaction are manipulation, selection, and evocation. Our selection of others to form close relationships as friends, dates, or life partners is largely determined by what we perceive through these mechanisms. Our own personality enters into the equation as well, when choosing when to stay and when to go. There have been multiple relating studies done over time, but most consistently mutual attraction and love are the predominant characteristic in deciding on a life partner. Other important personality traits are emotional stability, pleasing disposition, and a dependable character. (Nederman, 2009) This brings us to the question; do opposites attract? Studies show that successful relationships are more often between people who are similar to each other. Why? In essence, they are comfortable with someone who is more like them; there are less direct conflicts, more social preference similarities, and the environment tends to be more like what they are familiar with. Could it possibly be that the old fashioned notion of arranged marriages had some validity? Possibly so; the families knew each other well, had the same expectations and family values, and often were of the same ethnic groups and religions that had cultural and religious traditions alike. Studies indicate a high degree of satisfaction between people who choose similar personalities to their own to create long term relationships with; they consistently chose partners with high degrees of agreeableness, openness, and emotional stability. (Nederman, 2009) The indication is that those who choose long term partners based on desire for harmony are more successful than those who choose partners dissimilar to themselves. Break ups are much more common when one’s desires are violated as opposed to when they are fulfilled. Most people prefer to have mates that are dependable, faithful and emotionally stable. (Nederman, 2009) The next mechanism used in choosing a long term relationship is that of the response within us another person creates; evocation. We create a response in others as they react to being in our presence, and vice versa. Our choices of who we allow to share our personal spaces must be carefully thought out choices. Aggressive people cause others to resort to anger and aggression. This is how the Machiavellian personality manipulates his or her partner. Through inferring hostile intent on others, they prevent having to face change of their own behavior. By treating others aggressively, because they perceive others to be like themselves, they evoke feelings of hostility and aggression in others. This hostile environment makes it much more difficult to relate in a healthy way and usually leads to break up of the relationship. Low agreeableness and high emotional instability are associated with the Dark Triad personality, which makes a poor relationship partner. (Nederman, 2009) Another way people evoke each other is through expectation confirmation. We believe that people will act as they usually do, in accordance with their belief systems. What happens in manipulation is that the one doing the manipulation attempts to create a false belief in the other person; causing or often forcing them to act on that belief. Through this method, exploitation occurs, and the other person feels degraded and violated. We all attempt to convince others as to what is in their best interest; this is not manipulation. Manipulation occurs when one intentionally alters the perspective of another person for his or her own benefit. (Nederman, 2009) Answering the question of why do good guys finish last, very much depends on what type of personality this “good guy” is looking for. If he’s looking for a charismatic partner that will remind him of his faults, in order to keep him in line, treats him like an extension of herself or himself( as in same sex partners), without allowing for individuality, or delivers non-stop challenges in the way of head games; then he possibly is courting disaster. The Dark Triad personality is plentifully available, but there can be no win in that relationship; it’s doomed from the start. Unfortunately, our society sets us up to fail by glorifying these types in the entertainment sector as being the absolute dream mate. What exactly do you mean by “good guy”? Is he the one who does everything for everyone; accepting nothing but a smile in return? If he has been trained from the cradle by a narcissistic mother who taught him well how to be co-dependent in order not to challenge her personality, then he will be the perfect match for this charismatic, manipulative, abusive partner. However the relationship won’t last and the damage done to the “good guy” will be long standing. Why do the good girls like bad boys? The bad boys, as in those with Dark Triad personalities, are also charismatic, charming, daring; they make a girl think that the opportunity to be with them would also put them at the top of the world. However; this is not the case. What often happens is that the high degree of infidelity and manipulation eventually cause the breakup of the relationship. Dark Triad personalities share their spot at the top with no one. These bad boys are not emotionally available or capable of intimacy. Who then are the good girls? They are the ones who are so sweet, docile, trained by their fathers, also Dark Triad personalities that their places in life revolve around making those bad boy types feel like the king of the world. These “good girls” are totally dependent personality types who have no sense of individualism. More than likely, their parents were a careful mix of Dark Triad and co-dependent, or Dark Triad and dependent; also known as a “clinging vine.” Healthy relationships depend on people who are committed to their own personal growth and development. Their success as relationship partners does not depend on how opposite they are from each other, but rather how similarly they approach life and their commitment to walk the journey in harmony. Why do good guys finish last and good girls like bad boys? This statement has more to do with explaining the dysfunction between relationships that are based on high potential for break up than on healthy relationships. It is crucial that one define a good guy and a good girl in terms of being healthy partners, able to make stable choices for long term relationships; it is not about flash fire relationships that end in disaster. The media may portray dysfunctional relationships involving Dark Triad personalities and co-dependents as being exciting and full of drama; however, the only thing that lasts in this kind of relationships is the pain and damage created therein. References Campbell, K.W. & Foster J.D. (2007). The Narcissistic Self: Background, an Extended Agency Model, and Ongoing Controversies. To appear in: C. Sedikides & S. Spencer (Eds.), Frontiers in social psychology: The self. Philadelphia, PA: Psychology Press. Foster, JD., Llan, S., Campbell, W.K. (2006). Journal of Social and Personal Relationships Copyright © 2006 SAGE Publications (www.sagepublications.com),Vol. 23(3): 367–386. DOI: 10.1177/0265407506064204 http://www.psych.ufl.edu/~shrira/NarcissismPaperShrira.pdf Hotchkiss, Sandy & Masterson, James F. Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism. Freepress, (2003) Jonason,PK., Kavanaugh, P,(2010). The dark side of love: Love styles and the Dark Triad.,Personality and Individual Differences 49 (2010) 606–610, journal homepage: Web. April 12, 2011. http://www.southalabama.edu/psychology/Faculty_Jonason_files/JonasonKavanaghPaid.pdf Lachkar, Joan: How to Talk to a Narcissist, 2008 Lubit, R. (2002). The long-term organizational impact of destructively narcissistic managers. Academy of Management Executive, 16(1), 127-138. Millon, T. (2004). Personality Disorders in Modern Life, 2004, Wiley, John & Sons, Inc. McCrae, R.R., John, O.P. (2000). An introduction to the five factor model and its applications. National Institute on Aging – NIH. University of California at Berkely. 2000. Pp 175-209. Web. April 12, 2011. http://www.bsu.edu/web/00t0holtgrav/623/ffmarticle.pdf Nederman, C. (2009). "Niccolò Machiavelli", The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Fall 2009 Edition), Edward N. Zalta (ed.), Web. April 12, 2011. http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/machiavelli/ Williams, K. M., Paulhus, D. L. & Hare, R. D. (2002). Capturing the four-factor structure of psychopathy in college students via self-report. Journal of Personality Assessment, 88, 205-219. darktriadlab, 2010. http://darktriadlab.com/page2.html Read More