Coping with the Death of Own Child - Essay Example

Coping with the Death of your Child Death is one of the most agonizing experiences that a person encounters in a lifetime. The pain of loss is overwhelming to the bereaved individuals or families. This is because it is something irreversible. The reality of the parting which entails complete and eternal cessation of interaction with a loved one makes the situation ultimately unbearable and heartrending. Whether it is caused by accident or illness, across conditions, the overpowering effect of death in all of us is alike. To the bereaved, the abruptness of a death by accident is no less painful and intense than one that is already anticipated like in cases of those who have succumbed to terminal illness. Child's Death One of the most difficult losses to bear is a child's death. According to Wayne Wolfram (2006), a "child's death is often viewed as tragic" because "unlike an adult's death, it is [perceived as] unnatural"(Wolfram, 2006, sec.3 para.2). This is the common sentiment because in the normal scheme of things, a child does not die young and without yet gaining the opportunity of living a "full life"(Wolfram, 2006, sec.3 para.2). In a normal situation, no parent ever desires his or her child to be taken by death at a young age thus for those parents who have suffered from child loss, the sorrow of eternal parting leaves them truly empty and heartbroken. A child comes from the parents. The mother gives birth and lovingly works hand in hand with the father to raise the child. It is therefore quite appalling that all the efforts of parenting will only end up useless as the child early departs the world for eternity. Nevertheless death happens. Whether young or old, it comes at the appointed time and the next best thing for people to do is accept it as part of the natural course of things in this mortal life. Learning therefore how to survive a great tragedy such as losing someone whose presence we greatly value is essential. Understanding Grief Grief is universal. It cuts across culture, gender, race and religion. Although the expression varies for each individual and is expressed in utterly diverse ways depending on one's culture and religious beliefs, bereaved parents experience and feel the same universal pain. Whatever sorrow parents feel upon the death of a child is similar to what is being felt by those who have experienced loss. Losing a child either through circumstance or disease is devastating. The grief that fathers and mothers undergo is an ordeal that can at times leave them debilitated and desperate. The sadness needs therefore to be expelled. Like those who have suffered from a loss at some point in their lives do, parents who have lost a child go through the standard stages of mourning. Going through the process of grief is vital in order for the bereaved parents to finally be able to move on with their lives. A great amount of knowledge about the different stages of mourning is a major requirement in coping with a death of a child or a loved one. According to Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (as cited by Knealing, 2002), people go through five stages of mourning after "death touches their [lives]" (Knealing, 2002). The stages are identified as follows: Stage 1 Denial Losing a child can be a shocking experience. In consequence, bereaved parents commonly find the truth of the matter hard to immediately absorb and accept. This tendency to block and dissociate one's self from reality is a "defense mechanism" (About Grief and Bereavement, n.d.) many individuals find useful when dealing with death, dying or great loss. This is a natural and helpful reaction as the loss is still too painful to acknowledge. Such somehow buffers the upsetting truth and helps parents who have lost a child to move on and look into other important concerns such as specific funeral requirements and preparation as well as carry out other daily tasks necessitating keen attention. Stage 2 Anger Anger is imminent when bereaved parents commence dealing with the veracity of death in the family. Some parents immerse themselves in guilt or begin to blame themselves for the death of their child. They hold themselves accountable for failing as parents to look into matters that have led to the cause of their child's death. Other parents redirect their anger towards others. For instance, they sometimes accuse the medical professionals who have attended to their child prior to death as responsible for it. Handling such strong emotion as anger is therefore vital for parents to fully understand the sad event and eventually begin their journey towards emotional healing. Stage 3 Bargaining This is the stage where the bereaved parents negotiate, in secret, with God or their known Supreme Being in an attempt to reverse the negative and undesirable state of things being undergone. (Chapman, 2006-07) This is a normal actuation as parents try to reclaim control of the situation. (Chapman, 2006-07) When a child's death is too much to bear, parents can at times do the most unthinkable act. The enormity of their love for their child can lead them into arrangements that involve trading even their own lives to spare the life of their child. However, in due course and with sufficient insight, the realization that death is permanent will occur. Stage 4 Depression This is the point when bereaved parents surrender to the truth that their child is dead. Feeling of extreme anguish sets in as they realize that no amount of bargaining can change the fact that the child is gone. (Chapman, 2006-07) This is the stage where at last, one prepares to embrace the eternal separation. Stage 5 Acceptance The final phase of mourning is acceptance. As parents learn to wholeheartedly recognize the absence of their child, life slowly goes back to normal. This is not an easy endeavor as the road to acceptance is long and bumpy. Some parents experience difficulty in reaching this stage because knowledge, support and understanding are inadequate. It is therefore imperative for bereaved parents to be well equipped with strategies to be able to manage the pain caused by death. Ways of Coping After gaining sufficient information and understanding of the stages of mourning, it is equally important that you are familiar with the many effective ways to address emotional pain due to child loss. One effective approach to healing is through expression of pent up emotions. Giving in to one's grief and firmly dealing with it can be cathartic. If you feel anger then it is best to release it. If you are mad at the medical professionals who have attended to your child prior to death then embrace the feeling. If you blame them for the loss, do so but do something to end the unhealthy emotion. You may want to consider meeting with the concerned individuals to come into terms with your anger and move on. A discussion of how things have occurred in the hospital and the details of the medical procedure may tremendously help you deal with the death of your daughter or son. If there is also great urge to weep for the loss then do so as "tearscan be healing" (About Grief and Bereavement, n.d.). A long hard cry will calm you down. You may also talk with other people about your child and the entire experience or any other desired topic that is linked to your child's death, if you think such will emotionally help you out. (Knealing, 2002) You will be surprised by the powerful healing effect of conversation in you. If however, you find it formidable to verbally express what is inside your heart, keeping a journal about what you feel will be as effective because for many individuals, "writing is a catharsis" (About Grief and Bereavement, n.d.). Creating a memory box or a scrapbook documenting happy memories of your child is another form of self expression. (Knealing, 2002) Indeed, it is necessary to pour out all strong feelings that are related to your child's death. Releasing what you feel is immensely therapeutic. It is however, important to note that such must only be done at will and when you are emotionally set. Another helpful approach is by taking effort to maintain your physical health in the midst of the crisis. The last thing you desire is becoming sick by being worn out due to excessive crying and grief. Eating well and having enough rest are therefore essential. (About Grief and Bereavement, n.d.) Healthy food and supplements can replace lost energy due to grieving. Plenty of rest is also vital as "grief drains your emotional battery" (About Grief and Bereavement, n.d.). Exercise and other physical activities are also helpful as "physical exertion is a great stress reliever and may afford you some time alone to gather your thoughts in the process" (About Grief and Bereavement, n.d.). Educating yourself to handle situations involving grief is another significant method you can utilize in coping with child loss. This can be done by reading self-help books on death-related issues and the like. As indicated in the article About Grief and Bereavement, "knowledge helps people regain a sense of control over their experiences and environment and helps reduce feelings of vulnerability." Another approach is to seek out support groups who can enlighten you on matters concerning bereavement, letting go and moving on. There are plenty of support groups, secular or faith-based, that focus on child death crisis handling. (About Grief and Bereavement, n.d.) You may also surf the internet and join online groups (Knealing, 2002) that deal with topics about death and emotional restoration. Enlisting in chat rooms and conversing with people who have experienced similar tragedies can greatly assist you towards total healing. It is also important not to be ashamed to seek out professional help if you think there is an enormous need to. Qualified mental health professionals such as counselors or psychologists can greatly help you sort out your feelings and eventually facilitate your complete emotional healing through therapy. (About Grief and Bereavement, n.d.) Prayer is also a very powerful tool in getting over a loss. The act of praying clears the mind from negative thoughts and provides comfort and peace of mind. In real life, people instinctively seek out solace in prayer and worship whenever formidable and gargantuan challenges confront them including situations involving death and great loss. Conclusion Parting permanently from someone you love and cherish is difficult to accept. The thought of the separation as eternal, wherein interaction with the loved one is totally severed, creates tremendous pain. No matter how hard you pinch yourself in order to wake up from what you consider a nightmare, the truth prevails. Death has claimed a young life and the act is unalterable. A child is gone. Your child is gone forever. You have lived to witness your child's life slip away from this world. This is now the painful truth you face. However, when you begin to learn and understand the process of death and grieving, life becomes easy to face even in the absence of your child. Indeed, the longing creates an excruciating pain in your heart but if you possess yourself with the knowledge of the stages of mourning you will soon come out strong and ready for the expected major changes in life. Various ways of addressing the issue of death and grief exist. For the bereaved, the list of options is long. However, as individuals have a preferred way of handling grief and loss, the freedom to choose what is personally ideal can certainly make a great difference in terms of its integration and implementation into one's personal life. In the end, coping with the death of a child is a personal endeavor. It is a personal cross that no one else can bear for you. No amount of therapy or intervention can help you unless you have allowed yourself to be totally healed and you have decided to move on. The road to recovery is yours alone to tread. You have all options at hand. All you need to do is choose which one to use to gather your life back and take care of the other children in your family whom you have, in some ways, neglected during your grief. Overcoming the pain of child loss entails the willingness to heal and the determination to triumph over sorrow and positively move on. If you have these, in time, it is guaranteed that healing will take place. References About Grief and Bereavement. Retrieved April 2, 2008, from http:// www.elisabethkublerross.com/pages/AboutGrief.html. Chapman, Alan. (2006-2007). Elisabeth Kubler-Ross - Five Stages of Grief. Retrieved April 3, 2008, from http://www.businessballs.com/elisabeth_kubler_ross_five_stages_of_grief.htm. Knealing, Bobbie. (2002). Coping with the Death of a Child. Retrieved April 3, 2008, from http://www.essortment.com/all/copingwithdeat_rgzo.htm. Wolfram, Wayne. (2006). Coping With the Death of a Child in the ED. Retrieved April 3, 2008, from http://www.emedicine.com/emerg/topic691.htm. Read More