Lifes Unbearable Twists and Turns - Personal Statement Example

?As a child you are never prepared to see life’s unbearable twists and turns. A child’s life if starting to be defined by the age of 7, according to Erikson, however I felt my time began at age 6. That is when self-concept and defining what their world is going to be and in turn this is ultimately what shapes their thoughts and behavior. In order to come to this stage in Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development, one must have first overcome the previous stages such as the trust vs. mistrust, autonomy vs. shame, etc (cite). This was my age when I was diagnosed with a debilitating, enigmatic disease. ?I was in the first grade when my grandmother took over the role as caretaker while my mother went off to work. My grandma would get me out of bed, get me dressed, fix me breakfast and send me off to school. However, I didn’t make it quite that easy for her. I was more of a stubborn child and to be honest, I believe a little depressed too from the divorce my parents just went through. In some aspects, there was a regression in the stage of development because my ideal self was no longer compatible with my real self (cite). This caused me a great deal of neuroticism also due with the fact that I had lost my sense of autonomy and no longer had control in my life. We fought and struggled for quite some time until one day later in the year something happened. ?It was early in the morning on a school day. Little did I know this was the last day I would be “normal.” ?I remember sitting at my desk coloring and then without warning watched as this unspeakable rash spread over my body like a wild fire. I went to the teacher and she wasn’t sure what to think and sent me straight to the school nurse. As quickly as it was spreading I started cramping. I became feverish, chilled and very lethargic. My body looked as though I was rolled in a bowl of poison oak. My mother left work early and took me home; unsure of what to do. The morning following was the morning that forever changed my life. I awoke in bed screaming out because I was in horrific pain. The pain was so unbearable not even a bed sheet could touch me. My mother and grandparents were horrified by what was happening. I was quickly taken to the ER where I was admitted to the hospital. It seemed like years later I was finally diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. Not many had heard of the disease and frankly for the most part doctors didn’t even know how to treat it because it was such an unknown disease. Because of this I was in and out of the hospital and was not able to continue my schooling for quite some time. Any education I received was by a “teacher” who came intermittently to the hospital or to my home. I couldn’t retain anything that was taught to me for the fact I was in such severe pain I couldn’t think of anything else. It wasn’t until the 4th grade in which I was able to make a comeback at school and try to develop a sense of self and self worth. In addition, due to my hospital isolation, I had missed out on the social cohort that forms early on in a social institution such as school. I was also struggling with Erikson’s stage of industry vs. inferiority because I was not receiving the proper education that would make me feel accepted in society (cite). I wanted a friend more than anything since I hadn’t been able to have any since the onset of my disease. When I started back to school I was only known by a few who knew me by other relations, such as my sister was friends with a girl who had a sister in my grade, etc. That sister would tell the one who was in my class of my disease which in turn, became twisted by rumor. Twisted in the fact that they never knew what was truly wrong with me and at that age were afraid it was something that they could catch. Kids in my class were rapidly told I was a disease and a freak and I was quickly ostracized. I never knew what to expect with my health from day to day. I was still in and out of the hospital on a monthly basis. The Doctors would try to put me on some form of medication only to find I would have an allergic reaction or no reaction and I would have more flare ups. One day I would be in class trying to be a student and make new friends and the next day I would right back in the hospital. These were the years I should be outside playing with friends and enjoying life, yet, I wasn’t enjoying them at all. This hurt my self-efficacy in that my motivation to do well in school and form social connections was being blocked not only by the outlook that people had on me, but also the regard I had placed in myself (cite). Soon my Elementary childhood years were behind me and I was entering the 7th grade as an adolescent. The doctors had decided it would be best for me to go on a drug called prednisone, which is a steroid. It certainly made me feel 100 times better, but the negative affect is weight gain and a moon face. I took the trade off. Anything was better than the agonizing pain. ?My mother decided to start me off with a bang going into the 7th grade. She knew that I had fallen short of a childhood and wanted somehow to make it up to me. I know we didn’t have money however, she was able to take me out and buy me a whole new wardrobe to start the school year off. I couldn’t have been more thrilled. At this time the style was “new wave”, neons and Madonna bravura. So of course that is exactly what I bought for my new look. The school year came fast and with a vengeance. Throughout my elementary years I knew of girls who lived around me and who were in my church. They knew of me, but they never attempted to talk to me or befriend me in any way. So the start of the school year I didn’t look anything like I had before. This year I had a “bob” hair do, cool new clothes and a “moon face” to go with it. But I didn’t feel any discomfort on any level. I actually felt very confident and excited for a fresh start. ?The girls whom I knew before were there in their little click. They in fact made a point to speak to me. I was feeling like my woes and worries from being bedridden, and not having any friends were over. The days went by a little easier I began to look forward to going to school and that was a first. ?In no time at all I had made my way from a disease ridden child to a kind a cool hip chic. I was making new friends and was becoming quite popular. I never had a guy look at me before and now I had two hot guys fawning over me. The look and weight I gained from the prednisone didn’t even seem to be causing a problem. I was feeling good and it must have showed. I became class president and was continuously making friends. Life couldn’t be better. This result of a high level of self-esteem and motivation was as a result of me being able to surpass the industry vs. inferiority phase because I now felt like I could offer to society. The gap that existed between my ideal and real self had closed reducing my neuroticism. The idea of the social cohort now was integrating me, which allowed me to pursue phases in Freud’s stags of sexual development in that I was able to start looking for relationships beyond friendship. Then, as quickly as it came, it all went away. The doctors didn’t want me to stay on Prednisone any more because the long term affects it would have on me. I somehow, thought that if they took me off it would be okay. That maybe my arthritis is gone and I will be fine. I felt great and thought I could conquer this. Unbeknownst to me, I was terribly wrong. It was no more than a week after being taken off the prednisone that I was right back to the beginning. I awoke in excruciating pain and could not move just like the moment I first developed the disease. It was unbearable. As much as I kept thinking it might subside it was making it’s way to not being that way at all. I wasn’t able to go to school and that lasted for the rest of the 7th grade school year. So here I was a class president, cool, popular girl with two hot guys after me and seem to have it all, to having it all whisked away. My heart ached more than my joints because of the pain of knowing that now things that I encountered in elementary was going to come back to haunt me in junior high. The girls that I made friends with each gradually dropped off of being my friend. It seems at this age girls are so into themselves and being with each other that faced with someone who is challenged doesn’t fit into their click. The boys fared the same way. Each one of the boys came to visit me at my house only to be caught off guard by how grossly my body had twisted upon itself. I was a freak show once again. Each critical point of my years, in childhood and now adolescence were being attacked and destroyed. Going from no friends and no self-esteem, to having a lot of friends and gaining a mountain of self- esteem all the way back to the beginning at losing it all. I was giving up. I didn’t feel life was even worth living if I couldn’t live it the way it was supposed to be lived. Suicide ideation was bristling in my mind. ?Soon my 7th grade year was behind me. I was only able to make it to 6 out of the 9 months of school. My life was empty. My phone didn’t ring, my room was silent and I couldn’t even move or get out of myself. I was left silent, empty and all alone with the agony of pain and loneliness. ?Once again the Doctors put me through rigorous exams and medications, in which they found something that quelled the pain enough and made it so I was able to go back to school. However, this time was different. I didn’t have the new cool clothes, I didn’t have a bounce in my step and I didn’t have any self-esteem. I went back to school having to have all of my classes and my locker put on the 1st floor. I wasn’t able to climb stairs because of the pain it caused in my body. A letter was provided to each teacher explaining what my diagnosis was and providing me with longer times to get to class and longer times to write and take quizzes. I would find myself sitting in class and the teacher would ask a question, I would raise my hand only to find that I couldn’t raise it higher than my shoulder, because the pain was so severe and my joints were so swollen and stiff. The boys’, who once chased me, didn’t even know who I was anymore. The girls that once idolized me laughed at me. I was a freak show all over again. I should have been sent to live with the circus; at least I would have found some solace in people who were different. I didn’t want to be in school anymore and started making it difficult on my family. I was angry and wanted to be left alone. I was sent to a psychiatrist to see if there was any hope in helping me, but all I would do was lash out at them. Then one day I was at the doctors sitting in the waiting room with my mother, when a super cute girl and her beautiful mother walked in. Right away her mother starting talking to my mother and her and me quickly became friends. Her name was Roxanne and she had developed JRA 6 months prior. She used to be an amazing ballerina who had almost made It into dancing in the nutcracker. But then she fell ill with the disease. So she knew what it was like to be cute, fun , popular and having it all to having it all taken away. Roxanne and I were inseparable after that day. We both knew what each other was going through and it was nice to have a friend who finally understood. ?Years went by and I became an angry person. Even though I had a friend to share things with, I didn’t understand why I had to be punished having such a terrible disease. I never thought I would be able to move freely without pain or have a man to love me. All my hopes and dreams were gone. I ended up rebelling against everyone and everything. This lead me down a destructive path unknowing where it would lead. ? My life took several twists and turns. I am now in my 30’s and have evaluated why and how I did certain things. I realized that because of developing such a bad disease at a young age and losing all sense of what it was like to be a normal child was crucial in why I chose to do certain things later in life. Having children mock me and ostracize me killed me mentally and it wasn’t able for me to make friends very easily after that. Still at this time in my life I tend to push friends away or when I do meet knew girls I do things, which cause them to not want to hang out with me anymore. It has been detrimental in several ways and has really made it tough. I am trying every day to work on myself and make what was so wrong right. The psychology of adolescence surly plagued my life. As a result, many of my memories were negative. To this day, I do not like to form many close relationships because the idea of my self-concept was broken, repaired, and then shattered again multiple times throughout my childhood. The constant moving back and forth between the different stages of development caused me to become confused only adding to the frustration and anxiety that accompanies adolescence. Bandura would define this lack of self-concept and self-efficacy, which ultimately played a role in the development of my self-esteem and motivation into adulthood. The constant moving back and forth between the stages of social development caused some of my psychiatric conditions, which evolved as a result. Read More