Physical and Emotional Safety as Strategic Foundation for a Healthy Relationship - Essay Example

Strategic Safety, No Matter What One of the most critical needs in a relationship is physical and emotional safety. Without it, there can be no trueintimacy, only an enactment of it. When authenticity is sacrificed, the treasure of what a relationship can potentially be is lost. There are many types of relationships: friendship, colleagues, student-teacher, pastor-parishioner, neighbors, flirtation, dating, marriage, parent-child, elderly parent and adult child, etc., and safety is important to all types, even, to some extent, in a relationship between enemies. This paper considers strategies for creating and sustaining safety in a relationship, and is specifically focused on the marriage relationship, from a primarily Christian Baptist perspective. Abraham Maslow’s theory suggests that safety is a priority need, right after we satisfy the basic needs of the body. Until safety needs are met, a person is not motivated to develop social belongingness, status and self-satisfaction, and to develop their highest potential (abraham-maslow.com, 2008). Applying that theory to marriage, the most primary need, right after establishing and consummating a legal union, is to cultivate safety in the relationship. If one or both partners do not experience the relationship as being safe, then there is no motivation for maintaining the connection, no motivation to have a family and define accomplishments, no reason to struggle toward developing into something extraordinary. When deficiency needs are unmet, growth cannot be prioritized (abraham-maslow.com, 2008). One foundation for a healthy relationship, in which safety prevails, is to develop a relationship with the right person. This necessitates having a close relationship with Jesus Christ, and recognizing the leading of the Holy Spirit. God has a plan for everyone’s life. If we live according to that plan, then we have a major motivation for building a healthy relationship, and safety is imperative in a healthy relationship. If both partners are tuned in to God, then the relationship has a safety-encouraging container. The Bible has given instructions and role models for having a good marriage relationship. The husband is placed in a leadership role, being the head of the house, and women are expected to support his authority. However, men are told to honor and love their wives, so leadership is not an excuse for bossiness, selfishness or abuse. The Song of Solomon provides a model for the importance of healthy sexuality, and Proverbs indicates that the woman whose value is beyond rubies is accomplished, active, intelligent, strong, confident, talented, industrious and complementary to her husband’s status. Christ’s relationship with the Church is a role model for a healthy marriage. Abraham and Sarah are good role models for a lasting and loving marriage. There are examples of how Abraham protected Sarah and engaged in complex strategies to keep her safe, and Sarah supported her prophet husband, no matter what. Ruth and Naomi, although not in a marital relationship, provide a strong model for loyalty, love and commitment, so important to maintaining a safe and healthy marriage. There is no feeling of safety, in a relationship, if you don’t know where you stand, and if you wonder about its permanency. Mosaic Counseling offers three tips for safety in a marriage (Kuwabara, 2012). The first is to negotiate compromises instead of battling for supremacy or martyrdom. The second is to be compassionate and really listen to what your partner says and thinks. The third is to be a problem-solver, rather than a complainer. In some relationships, for example, if the partners find their movie or restaurant choices do not agree, then one person becomes a winner and the other a loser. There is no emotional safety in this approach, however, because the winner might either become increasingly self-centered or might experience feelings of guilt about always winning, while the loser might feel de-valued and resentful at being forced to act against personal preferences. It is easy to have two winners, though, if the couple respects each other’s preferences and goes to one movie or restaurant preference this time and schedules the other preference for later in the week or for the following week (Kuwabara, 2012). When one person is repeatedly the winner, at the expense of the other, this can also lead the winner to a dangerous conclusion that the loser is weak, and can lead the loser to the dangerous conclusion that the winner is strong. This can ultimately translate into physical abuse, perpetrated by both, on children, pets, or others perceived to be weaker. Safety needs a feeling of equal viability, no matter how much difference in preference surfaces, no matter what. Modern society is based on competition. We compete at school, at work, in traffic, sports and hobbies. We compete with ideas and theories. But when we compete in marriage, we will not be rewarded with a safe and healthy relationship. Competition establishes winners and losers, and this paper has argued why that is counterproductive. Instead of competition, compassion is called for. Partners need to listen carefully to each other, so that they can cooperate, out of compassion (Kuwabara, 2012). Compassion helps one suspend their own firm perception of what is right and real, and look through the eyes of their partner, respectfully. Relationships can be rapidly destroyed by complaints because complaints are depressing to listen to and offer a hopeless version of reality. A complaint can be easily interpreted as an accusation of failure, and nobody is comfortable with failure. Compliments are much nicer to hear, and result in a more optimistic perception of the relationship. Compliments are the opposite of complaints, and their outcome is the opposite of failure. Compliments can actually shape a partner’s behavior in a desired direction. One of my strategies for safety in a relationship is to voice complaints only when I have a couple of suggestions for solutions, and only when I feel open to other suggestions for solutions. A complaint without a solution is useless and damaging, while a complaint with a solution indicates progress in the relationship. If there are a lot of complaints, then they should be prioritized and only the most critical ones should be raised, preferably at a family meeting for that purpose, and not when the partners are exhausted, arguing or feeling upset, nor when they are feeling especially happy, successful and celebratory. Having a supportive network of people who care about you is another safety device in a relationship. Being grounded in a home church is great source of support. Research indicates that religious participation is directly correlated to life satisfaction in both married and unmarried relationships, and most strongly correlated among males (Wolfinger & Wilcox, 2008). This is a good reason to maintain my Christian Baptist participation, because safety comes out of life satisfaction, and not out of discontent. A woman might find support in a Bible Study group, missionary society, church choir or a women’s retreat. A man might find support in Bible study groups, choir, and work day at church, or a men’s retreat. Most Baptist churches have some form of (or association with) a men’s ministry in which men are encouraged in the vertical relationship with God and in the horizontal relationship with other Christian men. Man-2-Man Ministries, for example, teaches CARE, which represents camaraderie, accountability, renewal, and excellence (Faith Baptist Church, 2012). This builds confidence and a sense of Christian belonging, provides solutions to marriage and family issues, and supports them in staying committed and responsible, no matter what. Emotional skillfulness is an important attribute of both partners in a relationship. A research study (Dunham, 2008) examined emotional skillfulness among African-American couples, and found that men and women were similar in being able to identify and communicate emotions effectively. For those husbands and wives who had difficulty communicating emotions, their partners had less marital satisfaction. For husbands who had difficulty communicating emotions, their wives had less intimate safety. However, for wives who had difficulty in communicating emotions, there was no association with husband’s feelings of intimate safety (Dunham, 2008). This latter finding leads me to recognize the special importance my emotional communication skillfulness has for my partner’s feelings of safety. I will make sure I succeed in this area, no matter what. There is no room for physical, verbal or emotional abuse in a Christian marriage. Physical abuse is a violation of the sanctity of our bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit. Abuse objectifies the abused, presenting them as less than they are and as less than the abuser. There is no justification for treating a fellow beloved child of God in a manner incongruent with that sanctified status. Kindness, understanding, patience and compassion are right. Research shows that when Christian women are abused by their husbands, they look to their religious beliefs and their relationship with God for support in escaping the abuse and creating safety from the violence (Knickmeyer, Levitt, Horne, & Bayer, 2004). But if a relationship with God is at the very core of the marriage, on both sides, there will be no abuse. This should be true no matter how much frustration and how many challenges, no matter what. Jesus taught that our thoughts are real, just like our actions. He specified how lust in a heart is the same as adultery, for example. Seriously wanting other women is another form of abuse, then, the same as disrespecting a partner by violating marriage vows of fidelity. The Bible also teaches that words can be dangerous, for example, criticizing another’s blind spot when you have a more serious one yourself. From this I understand that being false or selfish with my emotions, or saying hurtful things to my partner, are also forms of abuse. Fortunately, Christ left the Holy Spirit in us, as a comforter and guide, a safety monitor. The Baptist Christian perspective of marriage is that it is a covenant, and Baptists take covenants very seriously, having, in fact, a theology organized around them. There were many covenants spoken of in the Bible, and they represented promises so deep that they permanently connect those who engage in them. In the Old Testament, one of the important ones is the covenant God made with Noah, that he would not destroy the world again by flood. Whatever the situation, however disgusting the depravity of sin, God sticks to His covenant, and we have the rainbow to remind us of His patience. God’s promise to Abraham, to make of him a chosen nation, was not an easy one to honor, because Abraham and Sarah were really old, past childbearing years. Yet God followed through. Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman, a covenant of protection and safety, a covenant of chosen partnership, a covenant to follow through on, no matter what. Safety is a prerequisite for deeper individual and relationship growth. It is therefore critical. My strategies for safety in a relationship include choosing the partner that God has in mind for my life; following the instructions and examples of marriage offered in the Bible; negotiating compromises; using compassionate listening toward my partner; being a problem solver, rather than a complainer; giving compliments; nurturing our supportive Christian network and involvements; being emotionally skillful in sharing what I feel; respecting my partner’s body, mind and emotions; keeping our relationship with God at the core of our relationship; and framing my relationship as a covenant. This strategy plan is my responsibility to follow through on, no matter what. References abraham-maslow.com. (2008). Maslows hierarchy of needs. Retrieved from Abraham Maslow: http://www.abraham-maslow.com/m_motivation/Hierarchy_of_Needs.asp Dunham, S. M. (2008). Emotional skillfulness in African American Marriage: Intimate safety as a mediator of the relationship between emotional skillfulness and mariatal satisfaction. Retrieved from OhioLINK ETD: http://etd.ohiolink.edu/view.cgi/Dunham%20Shea%20M.pdf?acc_num=akron1226679367 Faith Baptist Church. (2012). Mens Ministry. Retrieved from Faith Baptist Church: http://www.faith-baptist.com/mens Knickmeyer, N., Levitt, H., Horne, S., & Bayer, G. (2004). Responding to mixed messages and double binds: Religious oriented coping strategies of Christian battered women. Journal of Religion & Abuse, Vol 5(2) , 29-53. Kuwabara, C. (2012, January 23). How to avoid the three common relationship deal breakers. Retrieved from Mosaic Counseling Services: http://blog.mosaiconline.ca/how-to-avoid-the-3-common-relationship-deal-breakers/?gclid=CNuT4u72j64CFccc6wodDmJ7gg Wolfinger, N., & Wilcox, W. (2008). Happily ever after? Religion, marital status, gender and relationship quality in urban families. Social Science Research, Vol 37(3) , 828-843. Read More