Good Parenting for Single-parents - Essay Example

April 10, 2009 Good Parenting for Single-parents In their book, Personal Health: Perspectives and Lifestyles; Floyd, Mimms, and Yelding laid 11 guidelines to assist single parents in raising their children. Some of them are obvious, while others are more subtle. Most apply to all parents, while a couple will help the single parent more. I have chosen 4 of the guidelines to discuss in this paper based on my experience with my parents. They are: set fair ground rules and discipline with love, be positive, give the child responsibility commensurate with maturity levels, and be a good role model. As a parent, I find these guidelines to be very helpful in parenting my own children. . Our household had a set of rules that were strong as iron. An infraction, or breaking of one of these rules was akin to a slap in the face. The rules were elegant in their simplicity. #1 Respect - above all else. Each person in the household was entitled to respect as a person. Our parents respected our opinions, and listened to what we had to say as long as it was in a correct tone of voice and in turn, we respected our parents because they seemed less dictators than guides. #2 Work hard, and work together. This meant if there was a job to be done, we were all to assist in completing it. Mom might have assigned individual tasks to us, but it was based on who was available at the moment, not who’s “job it was”. Often, we were all working on different tasks at the same time in order to ensure everything got done in the least amount of time. These two simple rules governed our daily lives, and it worked to bring easy harmony. When one of the rules wasn’t followed, my parents were believers in “reality discipline”. This meant that we had to accept the reality of the outcome of our decisions. “Reality itself is conditional: If you do certain things, you face certain consequences” (Leman 27). This meant that the time I forgot to pick my clothes up off the floor, I didn’t have any clean socks to wear. My parents were experts at this type of discipline. They were not being mean to me, I did not feel unloved. I only felt that the decision I had made was the wrong one and since I made the decision I was forced to accept the consequences. In this way, there was love – not anger- in my parent’s discipline. In my opinion, this method of discipline was most effective for me and would be useful for most parents. Single parents would find this method particularly useful, as it allows the natural course of action to assist in teaching their children; acting in a fashion as an additional parent. Conversely, when we did something exceptional, or just noticeable, my parents rewarded our good behavior. Single parents would find this tip most helpful because it encourages the children to do right, in effect making them more helpful to the parent. Single parents are at a disadvantage when it comes to time with their children. In a traditional dual-parent home, there are two adults to share the responsibilities of maintaining a household; whereas in the single parent home the parent must shoulder the burden of everything. The single parent is the primary provider and caretaker, the gardener and the cook, the cheerleader and the coach. When the children are rewarded and encouraged, they feel that they can make a difference and are more willing to help around the house. This is a tremendous help to the overwhelmed single-parent. Children who are rewarded for picking up their toys, folding clothes, or any number of chores will remember that praise and will actively look for another opportunity to receive it. This will enable the single-parent with a wiling, helpful support system. Children should be given tasks that they are able to complete. It is absurd to assume a 2 year old could sort laundry, but not unusual to ask them to carry clothes from here to there. In this manner, a 2 year old can be a great assistant with laundry. (After all, they can’t break it). Older, more mature children can assist with the trickier tasks such as dishes, sorting the laundry, emptying the trash, sweeping etc. This allows the children to feel needed and that they are vital to the operation of the home. By completing jobs, and assisting their parents they also better understand the amount of work required of a parent. They are then more likely to understand the fatigue battled by their parent. It is not uncommon for children raised in single parent homes to naturally take on more responsibility than normally required for their age so special care must be taken that the children do not shoulder too heavy a burden. The best solution would be to have a set time to clean and pick up. Children should be assigned tasks and be responsible for completing them. Often children can be engaged to cooperate just by suggestion of the necessary job. Faber and Mazlish lay out 5 excellent guidelines for engaging a child’s cooperation without asking (Faber 74). They are 1. Describe the problem 2. Give Information 3. Say it with a word 4. Describe what you feel and 5. Write a note. All of these tips can be easily applied by any parent. Using an example of toys scattered across the floor, the parent could say 1. There are toys all over the floor 2. Toys belong in the toy box 3. Toys. 4. I don’t like walking on your toys or 5. note left on toys; please put me away. In this way, the single-parent becomes the general of their housework army. They are able to direct their troops to the correct task. I find with my own children that one method may work well for the oldest, while another method works best for the youngest child. I have one child that will do absolutely anything I ask if I ask it in a funny voice or accent. My oldest son will automatically fix the problem if I state what it is. For example, I might ask my middle son to “clean your room” in the funniest robot voice imaginable, but with the oldest I would just have to say, “your room is a mess” and he would clean it himself. Parents need to keep in mind their children’s individual personalities and what works best with each child. It is vital for the children to see their parent as a worthy role model. Any parent should diligently work to ensure that they are setting and maintaining a quality example for their children. Children emulate characteristics that they see in their parents; a little girl plays with her mother’s shoes, a little boy his father’s tools. In this way, children are learning their roles in society; forming the basis for the people they will become. They also emulate the values and character they see in their parents. Children reflect what they see in others as well as what they are taught. Parents are their children’s first heroes, teachers, and coaches. Is it any wonder it is imperative that the parents are good examples instead of bad? Single parents have a particularly difficult task ahead as they must worry about the constant daily struggle as well as be both mother and many times father as well. As most single-parents are indeed mothers, they should reach out to a brother, uncle, or father to fill the necessary male role-model for their children. With so much to consider, parents should be mindful of not becoming too demanding of their children. Single-parents are often guilty of putting too much on their children; while dual-parents are often guilty of not putting enough responsibility on them. The easiest solution is to remember my parent’s rule #2, Work hard – and work together. It is much more efficient for the entire family to work on individual tasks at the same time than it is for poor, overworked Mother to try and clean around her lazy kids. If the mother works side by side with the children, engaging their cooperation and rewarding good behavior, it makes for a harmonious and peaceful household. This ideal is what we all want, a stress-free happy place to call home. Bibliography Faber, Adele & Mazlish, Elaine: How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk (2004) Perrennial Currents Floyd, P. A., Mimms, S. E. & Yelding, C., Personal Health: Perspectives and Lifestyles (2008). Thomson Wadsworth: Belmont. Leaman, Dr. Kevin: Making children mind without losing yours (2007) Revell Read More