Parenting Styles - Essay Example

Parenting Styles: Reaction Paper 2007 Parenting styles have been proved to have the decisive impact on the individual’s development. “Parenting styleis the global construct reflecting the overall emotional tone of the parent-child relationship” explain Juan Huang and Larry Prochner (2004). Parenting style reveals the correlation of the two major elements of parenting: demand and response. Parental demand is "the claims parents make on children to become integrated into the family whole, by their maturity demands, supervision, disciplinary efforts and willingness to confront the child who disobeys" (Baumrind, 1991, in Huang and Prochner 2004, p.229), while parental response refers to "the extent to which parents intentionally foster individuality, self-regulation, and self-assertion by being attuned, supportive, and acquiescent to childrens special needs and demands" (Baumrind, 1991, in Huang and Prochner 2004, p.229). The psychologists and social scientists distinguish four parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and neglectful. Authoritative parents are “demanding and accepting” “controlling but not restricting,” authoritarian parents are demanding but rejecting and non-responsive, permissive parents are responsive but non-demanding, while neglectful parents are permissive and non-responsive (Ballantine 2001, p. 46; Huang and Prochner 2004, p.229). The studies of western researchers have shown strong relationship between the parenting styles and the child’s social competence, child’s school achievement, self-concept and goal setting, self-esteem and self-efficacy during the entire life and adolescent drinking and delinquency. All the studies have shown that authoritative parenting style always has favorable outcomes while the other three have demonstrated a negative impact on the children’s outcomes (In Huang and Prochner 2004, p.230). Parents play the major role in people’s lives, no matter whether they loved them as children or feared of and dreamt of parents’ divorce, as it happens in some families. Eric Berne (1975) discovered that parents’ scenarios and behavioral patterns determined the whole direction of an individual’s development. No matter what your attitude to the parents was, as time passes you start noticing (some people stay unaware of it) that you behave just as your parents did (even the negative traits that you did not like in your parents being copied). The behavioral patterns are than brought to the new family created by the grown children. They continue behaving just as their parents did, the same parenting styles being characteristic with them. In this scheme a great role is acquired by parenting styles, which are the ways and patterns of how your parents educated you. Berne’s theory suggests that you are likely to bring your children up following the same parenting style you’ve been brought up with. The other variant is that you will bring your children partially using patterns opposite to those implemented during your education. Knowing the parenting styles and their outcomes is of great importance for future parents. Such knowledge also gives a chance to analyze your own destiny and motivations, and be more aware of your behavioral patterns and desires. Personally I was raised up in a mixture of parenting styles, which seems rather traditional to me. The authoritative style prevailed. My Mum never punished me physically. I didn’t get into much trouble and when I did, she usually just talked to me in a stern voice and that scared me more than anything because I felt failed. However, she always backed it up with love and affection. I knew that I could always turn to her when I needed her help. She rarely restricted my decisions and individuality. For the next 8 years I was raised by my grandparents because my mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and had to live in a nursing home until she passed last September 2006. My grandparents held the same values my mother did, keeping Christ as the foundation of our home. I was always able to visit my mother so she was never out of my life, I just think I was blessed to have two mother-figures in my life. My grandparents also kept to authoritative parenting style, being involved in my life, controlling me, but not restricting my personal decisions unless those choices could seriously harm me. However, the articles provided me with an insight into the proper ways of raising up children. Not that I was ever going to hit my children or oppress them in any way. Yet now I can see the usual mistakes the parents make. For instance, one of my acquaintances has a three year old son. The child is hyper-active, he is constantly moving about, grabbing and breaking things and shouting. His mother permits him such a behavior and then as she gets tired she starts scolding him. However, the scenario repeats again and again. The kid bothers his elder sister as she’s doing her lessons and then his mother takes him in her arms and carries off to another room where he continues shouting. Though the boy is big enough to understand things, nobody tries to speak to him, being demanding and forbidding such a behavior. Perhaps the mother is so permissive while the boy is growing almost without father, who works in another country. Another example of the wrong parenting style can be met in the streets of the city, when mothers shout at their children for small misbehaviors or mistakes that are natural with little kids. In this case we may observe the mixture of neglectful and authoritarian styles. First mothers cannot teach their children things or they are not willing to listen to their offspring, then they punish them for own mistakes. Many grown-ups, considering themselves good and caring parents, behave in authoritative way, believing that they know better what is necessary for their children. The outcomes I have seen were of two kinds. In first case children lacked self-confidence and self-esteem, and had problems with peer communication, in the second one, they became teens and rebelled, though still having the same problems and feeling wretched and miserable. Having seen the results of the wrong parenting with my own eyes, I’ve promised to myself that I won’t repeat the mistakes as brining up my kids. The articles provided me with the tips. I hope I will be able to become an authoritative parent. The major rule is: treat your child as you would like to be treated. We all want to be loved and directed. Parents are like Gods to children. It is important that your child knows that he can turn to you, entrust his troubles and joys, and he won’t be criticized or humiliated by contemptuous remarks considering thing that really matter for him. Parents should be children’s best friends, sharing the children’s emotions and experience and yet being strong, demanding, supportive and protective. As children feel that their parents are weak, have psychological traumas or prejudices, this may become the obstacle for the normal communication. For instance, parents feel ashamed to speak with their children on such topics as sex, while psychologists recommend that a child should learn all the facts at very early age exactly from his parents. Otherwise, the child feels that this topic is forbidden and will not share related troubles of his with those, who could provide a good piece of advice. We all want our opinions and thoughts to be heard and respected. Children want it the same way. Parents should always leave the choice to the child. In case you want to be controlling, offer the range of things you want your child to choose from. When your child is little, teach him things and tell about the world around him, still leaving space for choice. As your child grows, respect his opinion and desires, listen to his ideas and dreams. Sometimes children can teach their parents many useful things: how to love and not be afraid of intimacy, how to dream and believe in God’s support, how to strive for knowledge and discover the world anew daily. Another important rule is to realize that your child is an autonomous personality, having his own preferences and way in life. Do not racketeer your children’s love and care by reminding them of their “obligations” to you: this is the quickest way to develop the complex of guilt. If you see the whole sense of life only in your child, it means that something is wrong with you and it’s high time to find some new interests and activities. Respecting your child as an autonomous and equal personality, you’re likely to avoid unnecessary conflicts. At last, one should love his children and care of their wellness. An experienced psychologist is able to determine the parenting style you’ve been raised in at first sight. Parenting styles are always reflected in our behavior. They stay as imprints on our souls. Parenting style, determining the development of an individual, acquires great significance for the work with clients. As you understand, what parenting style the client was raised in, you get a deep insight into his motives, fears and needs. You also know what style of your professional behavior is likely to be successful. Those of people who were abused or neglected by their parents usually carry this negative memories, offence and self-pity through their whole lives, transferring the relationships with their mothers and fathers on the relationships with the world. Understanding the traumas got by the client due to improper up-bringing provides a possibility to help him quicker and effectively. References: Ballantine, J. (2001). Raising Competent Kids: the Authoritative Parenting Style. Childhood Education, 78(1), 46-47 Berne, E. (1975). What Do You Say After You Say Hello? The psychology of Human destiny. Corgi Adult; New Ed edition (30 April 1975), 475 pages Huang, J., Prochner, L. (2004). Chinese Parenting Styles and Childrens Self-Regulated Learning. Journal of Research in Childhood Education. 18 ( 3). 227-235 Read More