Dear Cheater Caught Concealing - Essay Example

Advice Paper December 18, 2006 Dear Cheater Caught Concealing, Thank you for your letter regarding your infidelity and your boyfriend's reaction to it. I will try to answer your questions as thoroughly and thoughtfully as possible. Please do not feel guilty or ashamed by your infidelity. It happened, it is out in the open, you have admitted responsibility, and you are truly sorry for your lapse in judgment. By doing some research I have discovered some facts regarding relational transgressions and how they can be dealt with by both partners. The best advice regarding the infidelity is to be honest with Josh. Tell him how you felt, what you were thinking, why you did it, etc. Do not leave anything out of the story. From your letter it sounds as if the whole thing was just a product of old memories surfacing. Explain this to Josh and let him know that you still want to be with him, not anybody else. Most importantly do no ever conceal anything from him again. His trust in you is already shaky; you do not want to damage it anymore, either by your actions or inactions. I understand it will be hard for you and Josh to discuss your affair but it needs to be done if you hope to save your relationship at all. Infidelity in relationships has been happening as long as men and women have been involved in committed relationships. According to Metts, Roscoe, Cavanaugh, and Kennedy, and Jones and Burdette two of the main types of betrayal are: infidelity, physical and emotional, and lying. Sexual infidelity comprises not only the act of sexual intercourse itself but also making out with someone else. Hansen reported that 70.9% of men and 57.4% of women admitted to some type of sexual activity with someone other than their partner. Gordon, Baucom, and Snyder stated that "infidelity is an interpersonally traumatic event for the couple and can be disruptive to their ability to function and interact with each other". Reactions to infidelity are varied depending on the seriousness of the infidelity as perceived by the injured partner. Buunk proposes three ways the injured partner will react to an affair. The first is angry retreat. The injured partner pulls away emotionally and physically, they seek revenge, or they end the relationship. The second way is accommodation. In this way the injured partner express loyalty, understanding, and forgiveness towards the offending partner. The final way is an assertive response. The injured partner tries to protect themselves and will voice their feelings and concerns. Repairing the relationship will not be an easy task. After such a major relational transgression as infidelity the injured partner will need time to work through their emotions. The previous commitment level will influence the outcome along with whether the injured partner is male or female. Men are more likely to be less inclined to forgiveness than women . At this point in the relationship the partners have a decision to make. Will they stay together or will they break-up In order to even try to repair the relationship the offending partner must prove than s/he is sorry and admit responsibility for the affair. The injured partner needs to feel empathy for the other partner in order for them to understand the relationship and head towards forgiveness. Guerrero, Andersen, & Afifi inform us that "forgiveness is a complicated process" and that "forgiving and forgetting are two different things". In a study done by Shackelford, Buss, and Bennet, consisting of 256 subjects, 61.9% of men reported that sexual intercourse upset them more, 65.1% of men found sexual infidelity harder to forgive, and 54.8% of men would end a relationship because of sexual infidelity. In another study conducted by Shackelford, LeBlanc, and Drass it was found that even the suspicion of an affair would produce jealously. Jealously can be a relational transgression itself or a side effect of another transgression. The most common signs are questioning a partner obsessively, wanting to be closer to the other partner, and needing to insure that the other partner is being faithful to them. It is harder to repair a relationship when the offending partner has lied. There are fives types of deception: lies, equivocations, concealments, exaggerations, minimizations. Lying or deception in a relationship can be especially hard to overcome. The injured partner may never be able to get past the untruthfulness and trust their partner again. It has been found in couple's therapy that a poorer outcome is expected from couples who conceal an affair during therapy as opposed to couples who know about an affair before hand or during therapy (Atkins, Eldridge, Baucom, and Christensen, 2002, p. 1455). Most couple's therapy involves helping the injured partner to forgive the offending partner and try to repair the damage to the relationship if they desire to. Or to end the relationship without a lot of bad feelings. Forgiveness cannot begin until the injured partner can be sure the "relationship is emotionally safe" (Gordon, Baucom, and Snyder, 2005, p. 1394). If the injured partner can forgive the participating partner then the chances of keeping the relationship together is better (Hall and Fincham, 2006.) Allen and Atkins believe that: "One of the key tasks in working with couples in which there has been as affair is helping both partners gain an understanding of why the affair occurred, its development, and its course". Gordon, Baucom, and Snyder propose an integrative approach to therapy that involves three stages of treatment. The first stage is the impact stage. In this stage the couple absorbs and experiences the impact of the affair. They have couple's sessions and individual sessions with the therapist. The second stage is the search for meaning stage. In this stage the couple tries to understand why the affair happened. They search for all internal and external factors that contributed to the affair. The third stage is the moving forward stage. In this stage the couple tries to either continue their relationship or to terminate their relationship. By the end of this stage the injured partner needs to have reached three goals. They need to have developed a "realistic and balanced view of the relationship". They need to "experience release from being controlled by negative effect toward the offending partner". Finally, they need to "relinquish their voluntary right to punish their partner". Another theory of couple's counseling comes from Allen and Atkins. They propose a multidimensional approach in dealing with infidelity. They do not suggest using this approach alone but in conjunction with the integrative approach already mentioned. The first dimension has four categories: interpersonal, primary partner, primary relationship, and contextual. In the interpersonal dimension the offending partner takes a look at them and finds which qualities contributed to the affair. In the primary partner dimension the couple tries to find the qualities of the injured partner which may have contributed to the transgression. In the primary relationship dimension the couple looks for any other thing that may have been causing stress in the relationship to cause the infidelity. Finally, in the contextual dimension anything else that may have contributed to the affair is examined. This first dimension allows the couple to understand the contributing factors much more clearly than just second guessing what each other was thinking or feeling. The second dimension focuses on the affair itself and has six categories: predisposing, approach, initial involvement, maintenance, discovery, and response. The first category is predisposing. Certain events in a person's life can predispose them to affairs later in life. The second category is approach. This is usually where one party involved in the affair starts to make overtures towards the other party. Next is initial involvement. Initial involvement can be quite innocent at first, but over time it becomes something more meaningful to the parties involved in the affair. Then comes maintenance. Maintenance involves keeping the infidelity going and keeping it a secret from the primary partner. The discovery category is next. Discovery is just what it says it is. It is when the injured partner discovers the affair and confronts the participating partner. The final category is response. Response covers both partners response to the affair, why it happened, and what to do about it. In a study by Hall and Fincham of 87 participants, 74.7% reported they broke-up due to infidelity. The participants in the study all had been in a relationship where an infidelity had occurred. In conclusion, Guerrero, Andersen, & Afifi suggest that "self-disclosure, routine talk, and time spent together are key behaviors that help keep a relationship satisfying". I would suggest that if you find you and Josh are having trouble communicating and cannot seem to get past the indiscretion that you consider going to a therapist. Couples therapy may make you both consider the situation in ways you have not before. When choosing a therapist just makes sure s/he is licensed and practices couples therapy. You need a therapist who will not judge you and will agree to see both of you together not just on an individual basis. Try to keep the lines of communication open and keep talking whenever you get a chance. Do not let Josh pull away from you if you truly want to keep the relationship together. Bibliography Allen, E., & Atkins, D. (2005). The multidimensional and developmental nature of infidelity: Practical applications. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 61(11), 1371-1382. Retrieved Sunday, December 17, 2006 from the Academic Search Premier database. Guerrero, L. K., Andersen, P. A., & Afifi, W. A. (2001). Close encounters: Communicating in relationships. Mountain View, CA: Mayfield Publishing Company Gordon, K., Baucom, D., & Snyder, D. (2005). Treating couples recovering from infidelity: An integrative approach. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 61(11), 1393-1405. Retrieved Sunday, December 17, 2006 from the Academic Search Premier database. Hall, J., & Fincham, F. (2006). RELATIONSHIP DISSOLUTION FOLLOWING INFIDELITY: THE ROLES OF ATTRIBUTIONS AND FORGIVENESS. Journal of Social & Clinical Psychology, 25(5), 508-522. Retrieved Sunday, December 17, 2006 from the Academic Search Premier database. Shackelford, T., Buss, D., & Bennett, K. (2002). Forgiveness or breakup: Sex differences in responses to a partner's infidelity. Cognition & Emotion, 16(2), 299-307. Retrieved Sunday, December 17, 2006 from the Academic Search Premier database. Shackelford, T., LeBlanc, G., & Drass, E. (2000). Emotional reactions to infidelity. Cognition & Emotion, 14(5), 643-659. Retrieved Sunday, December 17, 2006 from the Academic Search Premier database. Snyder, D., & Doss, B. (2005). Treating infidelity: Clinical and ethical directions. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 61(11), 1453-1465. Retrieved Sunday, December 17, 2006 from the Academic Search Premier database. Read More