A Distance is a Distance - Essay Example

IC 123-45-6789 HMSX/PSY 320, Fall 2006 A Distance is a Distance Dear Jamie, Trying to build a life and a relationship with a significant other while we are still trying to build our own life can often present a special set of challenges. It's clear from your letter that you love each other very much and are willing to make great sacrifices to keep your relationship together. For the past two years you have both set aside intimacy and closeness in hopes of building a more secure future to rest your relationship on. This is admirable and can also be economically pragmatic. Getting your career and education on the right path will certainly add to your ability to have a relationship and family down the road. However, in your special case it is preventing you from having a relationship now. You and your wonderful Mr. Right would benefit from deciding not if you want a relationship, but what kind of relationship you want this to be, and realize that you are just starting out to build something with him and the closeness you have now may not be as close as you think. The first thing you need to do Jamie is to appreciate the fact that you are making decisions based on the wonderful alternatives you and your boyfriend have. You are not being forced to choose due to financial or health reasons. You are faced with the much sought after dilemma of, 'You can't have everything because you would have no place to keep it'. You are trying to decide about the best of the good. Having said that, you both need to sit down and evaluate where you are in your current relationship. If your current arrangement is based on phone calls and rushed weekend get-togethers, then you need to understand that that is what is at risk. You are not giving up a lifetime of familial bliss because you currently do not have that. You are passing up the opportunity to be intimately close with this fellow now and what ever you choose outside the status quo will sacrifice that arrangement. After you examine the relationship you currently have with a realistic lens, you can begin to weigh your other options against it. One option that you have open to you is to keep the relationship as it currently is. You have expressed your desire to take the relationship to the next level and have indicated that this long distance arrangement just won't make it any longer. Any distance between a couple is far too great. You and your boyfriend need the close personal contact and intimacy that is a part of a partnership to make your love work for you. If you delay that, you risk having to make a decision in the future based on desperation or an ultimatum. Trying to make flexible arrangements in a long distance relationship is fraught with treachery. Some couples have tried allowing limited dating by the other person in their absence, or other compromises, but these have a great risk of destroying what you already have. Since the current arrangement can't continue for you, you need to look at the other alternatives you have available to you. If you do in fact decide that you simply can't continue in a long distance relationship, there are only two choices for you to make. Decide to make some concrete changes to stay together, or accept it that there is a geographical difference that can not be overcome and that distance will be reflected in your relationship. If you both choose career over your relationship, then you would do well to accept that for exactly what it is. We all have relationships that work over great distances, but they are not intimate and don't involve the lifelong sharing of a marriage. Choosing your careers will mean that you are probably giving up any hope of a future family with Mr. Right, but it will present you the opportunity to have a lifelong friend who has shared some common struggles with you. He will probably be successful and a valuable asset to your future. But he may not ever become your soul mate or marriage partner. Don't be too deluded into believing that you can both go about your business, him with his career and you with your education, and come back in two years and see if it can work then. In all likelihood you both will have changed, moved on, and built some other relationships. You would just have to accept it that the time and place were not right for you and move on in another direction. However, in your letter you state that he is the man that you truly see spending the rest of your life with. If this is the case, you might want to be careful before passing that up. No matter how many fish are in the sea, Mr. Right doesn't cross your path every day. If you give that up, you need to examine what you would be gaining from that decision. You might end up with a fish. The hopeless romantic in me wants to tell you that there is nothing more special than a life of sharing with someone you love. However, there are also material considerations we must take into account as we grow and progress through life. If you decide to stay together, it would demand that one of you give up your current opportunity to be close to the other person. Not just close on the telephone or weekends, but geographically close so you can begin to create some real intimacy on a daily basis. If you move back to New York, you will need to give up your current educational path and try to restart it in a new location. This may be easier for you than giving up your boyfriend. If he decides to move to California, he will need to look for an opportunity there. In either case, there are no guarantees about your current situations. What if your boyfriend takes that job, you move on, and in six months he gets laid off What if you are presented with a problem that demands that you postpone your education Career and educational opportunities may be more readily available for either one of you than trying to replace the other person. Your boyfriend has not even started his job yet and it is still in the offer stage. He may be willing to pass on it and seek another position close to you. On the other hand, New York has some excellent educational institutions, though it would mean leaving your family behind. Yet, for you, this may be the only option. Your biggest problem is that you have too much stuff and no where to put it. It's time to get rid of something and pay closer attention to the things that matter most to you. If you decide to move close together, or live together, you will need to understand that you will be going through a period of time just getting to know each other a little better. I wouldn't panic about relationship overload. If the past two years hasn't broken it, being together will not harm it. If you happen to discover that you really don't like each other, well it's best to find it out sooner rather than later. One of you will have to make a sacrifice, and in doing so take a leap of faith on the future. You will both be placing the relationship at risk, but not as much as you have been by maintaining the distance between you. Relationships are filled with taking chances, and you are both very lucky to have such good odds working in your favor. Dr. Roof Read More