Confusing Love with Obsession - Assignment Example

Using sociologist John Alan Lees love styles (refer to pages 261- 263 of Intimate Relationships, and pay special attention to Table 8.7 Styles of Loving found on the top of page 262) from chapter eight of "Intimate Relationships", what is the predominant love style for most of the characters presented in the book, Confusing Love with Obsession. Written in 1988, Sociologist John Alan Lee described six basic love styles that can be observed in the people. These love styles are Eros, Ludus, Storge, Mania, Agape and Pragma. In comparison, in the 3rd edition of the book “Confusion Love with Obsession” by John D. Moore, majority of the characters are best described as “Mania.” Mania is the obsession of love in which people experience a lot of emotional highs and lows and tend to be very jealous, possessive, demanding, and excited (Miller, 2012). They often demonstrate low self-esteem and place emphasis on their relationship. Each character displays different traits and behavior on the confusion of love with obsession as described in Moore’s (2006) book. We realize that their behavior is an outcome of their childhood experiences. What character, if any, did you identify with most from the book? This can be either yourself or someone you know. The characters I can identify the most with are Nancy and Ron (referring to pages 9 – 29 of “Confusion Love with Obsession”), considering my first marriage. Sarah (my ex-wife) and I got married at a very young age. We did not give each other sufficient time to understand each other very well before committing. The marriage lasted for eleven years after I opened my eyes and realized that our behaviors originated more in obsession than love. I thought I was doing the right thing by marrying Sarah after she had proposed me. A week after the wedding, she revealed to me that she was pregnant. It was perfect that things were falling in place. However, deep inside, I thought that she knew about her pregnancy before the wedding. I believed that she was the one and only because I loved her. At least, I thought that I was in love. As time went by, I noticed our pattern of life at home; The first couple of months constituted a honeymoon stage consisting of great communication, awesome and romantic sex, with happiness glooming in the air. Then, when we had a disagreement, the communication seized and the happiness transformed into sadness, madness, and frustration. I used to have such a difficult time dealing with issues that I would walk away and try to find happiness somewhere else. I would only tell her what I had done after she caught me by reading my voicemail messages or emails. Afterwards, once we had had intense argument with each other and had others interfere in our matter to glue things back, the honeymoon stage would recommence, marking the restart of the cycle. If I could have taken time to know Sarah better, I would have been aware of her past history in terms of relationships and childhood experiences. She was very emotionally abandoned as a child. She ran away several times from home to do her own thing. She also witnessed her dad with another woman. As for myself, I witnessed domestic violence from my parents. For any disagreement, my father would raise his voice. I had a tendency of doing the same thing. When I raised my voice, she would do the same and that deteriorated the communication. Therefore, we verbally and physically abused each other. We had trapped each other into continuing our marriage. During heated discussions, I often tried to walk away and give myself time to calm down and really think about the issue at hand. Sarah would block my path and trap me inside. I could not handle that as I tried to make my way out of the house forcefully. If it had been the other way around, I would have contacted the bank and canceled the ATM card so that she would not go anywhere. They were little childhood games we engaged ourselves in to manipulate each other into staying together. I always needed comfort. I was addicted to sex and alcohol. Whenever I did not get full attention from Sarah, I would go out and find someone to satisfy my sexual desires. This was neither fair for her nor for me. I then realized because of my actions that I was not in love with her. However, I felt very distraught to see her suffer, and that made me feel very guilty. I apologized to her and promised to her that I would never do it again, and yet, I continued. She would catch on to my actions and go out for revenge on the person I slept with. Moreover, she kept calling me every few minutes no matter if I was at work or somewhere else to ask me what I was doing or when I would get back home. It eventually frustrated me to a point that I could not breathe. So we argued constantly and created another domestic dispute. Again, things got out of hands, other people helped to put us back together, and another cycle started. We did whatever we could to save our marriage. Throughout the marriage, we stayed emotionally and physically abused believing that our marriage would improve as years passed by (Moore, 2006). This was not healthy for me to continue as we were together for the wrong reason. Marriage is based upon the union of a couple unconditionally whereas we felt obligated to stay because of our child. We cared to do anything to prevent our child from experiencing our separation and its consequences. However, after eleven years of marriage, I decided to officially walk away from the marriage. I did not want to teach our son to be committed to an unhealthy relationship. Furthermore, I did not want things to affect my job any more. Overall, I wanted to feel happy every day. Briefly outline the characteristics of the Obsessive Love Wheel at each stage of the wheel. Moore (2006) created the Obsession Love Wheel (OLW) because it is always turning, “round and round” as the relationship carries on (p. 132). There are four phases of the wheel, namely attraction, anxiety, obsession, and destruction. The initial phase is called as the attraction phase. In this stage, a person is characterized by an immediate and awe-inspiring attraction to another person. The beauty overrides the personality of that person. Therefore, the obsession starts leading to control and regulate the behaviors. The second phase of the OWL is the anxiety phase. A person experiencing this phase is more likely to have illusions of their partner committing infidelity. The fears develop a sense of mistrust towards their significant other and the constant contact through phone and emails becomes overwhelming. The obsession escalates leading to controlling behaviors. Psychologically, the demands of obsession can become violent. The third phase is the obsession phase where the person loses total control on their behavior (Moore, 2006, p. 134). The characteristics of this phase seem more of a person stalking. For example, a person who is obsessed is more likely to drive to their loved one’s home or a place where he or she is supposed to be. Showing up at their job unexpectedly for no appropriate reason just to see if their loved one is present and is not seeking attention elsewhere is another form of stalking. Furthermore, the person develops a tunnel vision and focuses solely on their lover so much that nothing else matters. Constant attention is needed and this leads to more phone calls. Extreme control tactics are used to manipulate their loved one into staying committed; however, this cannot prevent their love from receding. This leads to the last phase which is called as the destruction phase. In this phase, the person deals with the break-up as a traumatic event resulting in depression. The person loses their self-esteem and blames themselves for all that is happening. They can act upon all the signs as if attempting to commit suicide. They are emotionally distressed, have anger and a desire to seek revenge. But if that fails, the person uses drugs, alcohol or other means to relieve the emotional pain which can lead to suicidal thoughts. These phases create a big problem if not addressed appropriately. Unhealthy relationships can cause a lot of damage to each person involved including children. There are relationships that end in fatality. After reading the book, what knowledge did you gain about love addiction? After reading “Confusing Love with Obsession,” I reflected upon my past history of my first marriage, experiencing the dangerous obsessive relationship. I was very naïve to understand the obsession and the factors of controlled behavior. People take extreme measures to control their partners. I learned that my first marriage was solely based on obsession and lacked love from the very beginning. Moore (2006) helped me gain knowledge to develop self-awareness and have a healthy relationship. Read More

If I could have taken time to know Sarah better, I would have been aware of her past history in terms of relationships and childhood experiences. She was very emotionally abandoned as a child. She ran away several times from home to do her own thing. She also witnessed her dad with another woman. As for myself, I witnessed domestic violence from my parents. For any disagreement, my father would raise his voice. I had a tendency of doing the same thing. When I raised my voice, she would do the same and that deteriorated the communication.

Therefore, we verbally and physically abused each other. We had trapped each other into continuing our marriage. During heated discussions, I often tried to walk away and give myself time to calm down and really think about the issue at hand. Sarah would block my path and trap me inside. I could not handle that as I tried to make my way out of the house forcefully. If it had been the other way around, I would have contacted the bank and canceled the ATM card so that she would not go anywhere.

They were little childhood games we engaged ourselves in to manipulate each other into staying together. I always needed comfort. I was addicted to sex and alcohol. Whenever I did not get full attention from Sarah, I would go out and find someone to satisfy my sexual desires. This was neither fair for her nor for me. I then realized because of my actions that I was not in love with her. However, I felt very distraught to see her suffer, and that made me feel very guilty. I apologized to her and promised to her that I would never do it again, and yet, I continued.

She would catch on to my actions and go out for revenge on the person I slept with. Moreover, she kept calling me every few minutes no matter if I was at work or somewhere else to ask me what I was doing or when I would get back home. It eventually frustrated me to a point that I could not breathe. So we argued constantly and created another domestic dispute. Again, things got out of hands, other people helped to put us back together, and another cycle started. We did whatever we could to save our marriage.

Throughout the marriage, we stayed emotionally and physically abused believing that our marriage would improve as years passed by (Moore, 2006). This was not healthy for me to continue as we were together for the wrong reason. Marriage is based upon the union of a couple unconditionally whereas we felt obligated to stay because of our child. We cared to do anything to prevent our child from experiencing our separation and its consequences. However, after eleven years of marriage, I decided to officially walk away from the marriage.

I did not want to teach our son to be committed to an unhealthy relationship. Furthermore, I did not want things to affect my job any more. Overall, I wanted to feel happy every day. Briefly outline the characteristics of the Obsessive Love Wheel at each stage of the wheel. Moore (2006) created the Obsession Love Wheel (OLW) because it is always turning, “round and round” as the relationship carries on (p. 132). There are four phases of the wheel, namely attraction, anxiety, obsession, and destruction.

The initial phase is called as the attraction phase. In this stage, a person is characterized by an immediate and awe-inspiring attraction to another person. The beauty overrides the personality of that person. Therefore, the obsession starts leading to control and regulate the behaviors. The second phase of the OWL is the anxiety phase. A person experiencing this phase is more likely to have illusions of their partner committing infidelity. The fears develop a sense of mistrust towards their significant other and the constant contact through phone and emails becomes overwhelming.

The obsession escalates leading to controlling behaviors. Psychologically, the demands of obsession can become violent. The third phase is the obsession phase where the person loses total control on their behavior (Moore, 2006, p. 134).

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