Third Wave Feminism and Sexuality - Research Paper Example

?Preventing Women from “Messing Up” Feminism has come a long way since the time when women were viewed as subordinate to men as the “weaker” sex, thanks to assertive women who were courageous enough to fight for their rights for a place equivalent to men’s in society. Their movements came in waves causing more women to be aware of their own issues and fight for their rights. The third wave of feminism encompassed a wider spectrum of women’s issues in an attempt to discourage contrived discrimination against women apparent in the perpetuation of segregated gender roles within society such as men being main breadwinners and women being constrained to be homemakers. Women were made to realize that they should not accept being inferior to men and exist only for men’s pleasure and convenience. They should nurture their self-worth and realize that they, too, have to meet their own need for validation as respectable human beings (Dicker & Piepmeier 32). All three waves of feminism share the goal of breaking down the sexist restraints of patriarchy, or male dominance, within society and encouraging equality among genders (Dicker & Piepmeier 35). One area this can be applied to is in heterosexual relationships. This dissertation shall analyze the book of prominent and controversial radio talk show host, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, entitled “Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives”. It claims to be a book on empowering women in their relationships with men. It aims to teach vulnerable women who become subordinate to their men to be stronger and realize their self-worth. This self-help book guides them to stand up for their opinions and rights and eventually be viewed as admirable women worthy of respect. This essay shall first discuss the contents of the book, after which feminist responses to the book as well as to the philosophy Dr. Laura stands for shall be analyzed. What The Book is About Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s book emphasizes that women have control and need to know that they are equal to their male partners and should behave accordingly. The book analyzes why women fail miserably in their romantic liaisons, mostly due to the paradigm that men are superior to them. She makes women accountable for their own actions and decisions and responsible for the consequences of their choices, including tolerating some obnoxious male behaviors just to avoid loneliness, self-assertiveness and self-sufficiency. This reflects the low self-esteem most women suffer from. The book discusses ten pitfalls of women and how these “stupid” behaviors may be detrimental to their self-concept and gravely influence their perspectives in their lives. These are: attachment to a relationship no matter how bad it is, courtship and dating issues, devotion to a man despite maltreatment, passion or sex-too-soon, cohabitation or living together without the security of marriage, unfulfilled expectations, conceiving babies in order to keep a relationship with a man, subjugation to the point of tolerating a man to hurt a woman’s child, helplessness or the perception that one has no alternatives and lastly, granting forgiveness too easily to men who have wronged them. Dr. Laura contends that having a man won’t heal a woman’s hurts, resolve all her self-doubts and protect her from life’s challenges. She reminds women that it is their responsibility to become fully realized as a person by having dreams, a purpose, building their identity, so they take a more active role in the quality of their lives. Only then can other people – friends, spouses, children – share in their growth rather than become responsible for it. Dr. Laura opines that sometimes, a woman may be too intent on making a man want her that she does not even consider if she really wants him in the first place. Men “are often burdened with the task of being the source of affirmation and approval for the woman’s young, uncertain, developing or even somewhat damaged self-esteem.” (Schlessinger 36). Sometimes, it gets draining on the part of men since they are also sensitive to women’s attachment desperation and feel that they are being used for that and are not wanted for themselves. That could be the start of a relationship gone sour. Women justify staying in bad relationships with men because of love. Women are gratified with intermittent bursts of affection form such men that they tolerate the bad times with them. According to Dr. Laura, there are two powerful motivations for making it work with the most available guy – attempting to heal past hurts and avoiding risks. Sadly, neither works for long even if a romance takes off and you’re swept away by passion. When reality steps in, you go back to reading EMPTY and start trying to figure out why you’re still not happy. (Schlessinger 65) Dr. Laura’s book encourages women to awake from their complacency in being accustomed to pain and suffering. It shows them that indeed, respect is due them. Dr. Laura’s concrete examples from her actual professional practice and calls on her radio talk show exhibit her strong advocacy for women to take charge of their lives and not relegate it to others. It drives the point that ultimately, one is responsible for her choices and no one else can be blamed for the consequences but herself. If a woman feels stuck in a pathetic relationship, she always has the option to leave, and doing so will earn her respect because she makes a statement that she deserves to be treated better. The self-help book tackles sensitive women’s issues such as abuse, marriage and family, childhood traumatic experiences that are yet to be healed, and many more. It does not moralize or preach ethics but it depicts the truth as evidenced by the experiences of other women. Past experiences are considered when women face challenging situations that make them repeat patterns of behavior. An example would be how a woman cannot commit to a relationship with a man and leaves him before he gets the chance to leave her first. This pattern of behavior may have been learned from the woman’s past traumatic experiences of being abandoned by the significant people in her lives. She may have learned that it is preferable to do the leaving than to be the one left behind. Dr. Laura explains: Our early childhood attachments, love and nurturing experiences will teach that we are lovable and that emotional attachments are generally safe and rewarding – or the opposite. If it is the opposite, then we come to expect such things as hurt, loss, betrayal. When we are in that mode, it is amazing how history seems to repeat itself with future adult relationships. And we are constantly hurt. The anger that might have seemed so appropriate to the situation is squelched by the incredible self-doubts, which lead us to feel we have no right to anger – we just aren’t worth it. (Schlessinger 195) This philosophy shows that the vicious cycle of negative self-esteem should stop so that more positive relationships are realized. The poor self-concept of some women may have been ingrained in them from childhood by parents who have not been supportive of their healthy emotional growth and development. As grown women, Dr. Laura is amazed at how much nonproductive anguish and suffering (abuse, mismatch, disdain, disinterest) they will endure in order to avoid the productive forms of anguish and suffering (inner knowledge, independence and challenging life for a personal dream). Their utter dependence on a man makes them feel cared for, and therefore, loved by another individual. Dr. Laura advises these women, You and only you have the power , the sole power, to make you happy. When you blindly leap for a man, you generally end up repeating, reliving, the pain you’ve been trying to flee (94) Hence, they need to build up their self-esteem enough to make them take personal risks. It is in the taking of risks, that one grows in autonomy and personal power. No matter how difficult it is, women desiring a healthier sense of self should persevere in the healing process because “self-esteem is centered in the will to overcome circumstance, not to give in to being overcome”. (Schlessinger 98) Readers of the book may be disappointed in the lack of examples of good and deserving men in relationships with women in her case studies. She mostly talked about cheaters, losers and users who abused and took advantage of women’s vulnerabilities. It would seem as if having a responsible, loving and honest man is close to impossible. However, one needs to remember that she is dealing with women who have “messed up” their lives and ended up with such good-for nothing men and Dr. Laura emphasized that it was their choice to be in such bad relationships. The book also discusses how women’s expectations of men usually disappoint them and leave them miserable. Some women leave the responsibility of building up their self-esteem to their men and when they don’t make them feel great, they resent them. Dr. Laura reflects, “It’s when you push a man to be other than what he is that he becomes less of who he is. And then you have nothing.. even though something was available for comfort, which you reject out of your inflexible romantic fantasy.” (Schlessinger 130) In cases like this, both parties suffer in a no-win situation. Passive women who usually get bullied by men often admit their helplessness. Dr. Laura pushes them to be more assertive and expressive of their true feelings. Women more frequently express hurt when they should be expressing anger. As long as they are hurt, they don’t feel they need to take any active steps in redressing, improving or escaping from a bad situation because hurt indicates a significant degree of emotional involvement and need for the other person. On the other hand, anger is the expression of extreme displeasure, hostility and indignation. When a passive woman suddenly express anger to mean she is not taking any more abuse, and takes action in leaving the bad relationship, she is most likely to gain the respect of her man and eventually see her in a more positive light. Feminist Responses to the Book and to Dr. Laura Feminists have raised eyebrows on the views expressed by Dr. Laura in her book. She has carefully laid it out as being a source of empowerment for women who need a little push to assert themselves to be equal to men specifically in the relationship department. Gender equality/ inequality may be explained by different theories. The Social Dominance Orientation (SDO) theorizes that all else being equal, men will still be higher in terms of social dominance than women (Pratto et al. 272). A study by Saunders & Kashubeck-West, however, revealed that women with a more developed feminist identity, who are not bound by cultural stereotypes regarding women enjoy higher psychological well-being than women who hold on to more traditional gender roles (209). However, some researchers still argue for a gender similarities hypothesis, arguing that both genders are more similar than different, and should there be differences between them that these are small and resolvable (Hyde 581). Batalha et al. on the other hand view that gender differences lie in social processes correlated with gender, and these social processes may controlled by humans. People themselves can design social systems fostering equality of the sexes rather than ignoring or entrenching inequality (805). The manner in which Dr. Laura conducts herself as an advocate of gender equality is not consistent with her writing. Her very strong views have earned the criticism of feminists due to her constant berating of women. Sere (para. 2) reports that in her radio show, she has the habit of calling women sluts, bimbos, and other gender-based insults. She shares that women can stoop down to being “moral idiots” and advises them to think like men. Critics such as Sharon Presley (para. 10) likens Dr. Laura’s advise to cognitive therapy which advocates taking responsibility for one’s actions and mistakes and stop blaming others for their misfortunes. However, calling such people who are struggling with their life issues insulting names is a breach of psychotherapeutic ethics which makes respecting clients a priority. Dr. Laura miserably fails in this area. Feminists also capitalize on the fact that she is not really a licensed psychotherapist as her degree is in Physiology (Presley para. 9). Hence how can she be credible in what she says? Dr. Laura explains the emotionality of women as being a natural recourse to managing conflict. The view of women being highly emotional springs from historical perspectives of gender differences. Corrigan points out that during the mid-19th century, women’s emotion was seen as lacking the power and energy ascribed to masculine passion and hence, identified as inferior and ineffectual emotionality. Women were viewed as incapable of controlled emotion and are not well-equipped to regulate them. Men, on the other hand, had “better capacity to harness the power of emotion in the service of reason, and so drive evolution and civilization forward.” (Shields 104). As feminists evolved in their realization that such beliefs were prejudiced against women, the slow and painful process of women proving it otherwise began. However, such beliefs were already deeply-ingrained in the psyche of most people. Dr. Laura seems to be firm in this belief, as she points out to women such weakness should be managed well in order to survive relationships with men. Feminists see Dr. Laura’s book as being more to the advantage of men if “messed-up women” can fix themselves. Sere claims that she subscribes to a male-supremacist perspective and her misogynistic views can be harmful to women in general if they take her advise without questioning (para. 19). Feminism has been something Dr. Laura has been averse to as she believes it is responsible for the “deterioration of the family and the disintegration of intimacy between men and women” (Know Your Right Wingers, para. 6). Although her book may coach women to stand up to abusive men, she continues to blame women for being in their miserable state because she tells them they do have the power to choose but they were unwise in their choice. Their low self-esteem makes them settle for something below what they respectfully deserve because they believe they are not worthy of having more. “The fantasy of winning approval or love through long-suffering toleration of others’ single-minded self-centeredness doesn’t bring in the love of others. And it promotes the hate of self.” (Schlessinger:188). Feminists strongly contest the reputation of women being the “weaker sex”, however, Dr. Laura claims that most women embody this reputation by allowing men to subjugate them because of their dependency and need for attachment and approval. Unlike the third wave feminism perspective, her book does not blame societal norms and expectations nor men in the current status of women in society (Dicker & Peipmeier 45). It mainly focuses on how women can deal with themselves so they avoid making “stupid” mistakes in their relationships. This in itself irks the sentiments of feminists because she claims that making such mistakes is the tendency of women due to their nature. Feminists see Dr. Laura as a hypocrite, trying to be an expert on relationships and being moralistic in her advise when she herself had a string of extramarital affairs during her rocky marriage (Know Your Right Wingers para.2). They also question her credibility in terms of dispensing advise as she rarely backs up her claims with scientific evidence from scholarly research, instead, she resorts to stands of advocacy groups such as the Family Research Council which may not be an objective enough source. She should be citing information from social science research-based sources to validate her claims (Blustain para.4). Still, it is most likely that she has learned from her own mistakes as well as the experiences of her listeners who call in to share their problems with her in her radio show. She uses this personal knowledge to preach to other women so they can lead better lives. Conclusion Bottom line is that women should be empowered to pursue their passions, hone their talents and skills and optimize their potentials first for themselves and then for others. When they are wholly fulfilled as persons, then they are more capable of sharing themselves with men of high caliber. Knowing what they want and going for it, these now confident women can find love in the truest sense of the word and be treated the way they deserve. Dr Laura concludes that “real love is a long, marination of qualities having to do with respect, admiration, appreciation, character, affection, cooperation, honor and sacrifice.” (Schlessinger 55). No feminist can contest that. Whether feminists agree or not, in the book “Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives”, Dr. Laura upholds beliefs that women have power. It is inside them and for most, have yet to be unleashed. She will not stand for women being subjugated by men, as they are equals. Her book promises to “open your eyes, startle you into awareness and smarten you up” (14). Hopefully, it succeeds making women realize their mistakes and rectify them accordingly or better yet, avoid these mistakes altogether and take the path that leads them to more fulfilling and happier lives… with or without men. Works Cited Batalha, Luisa, Katherine J. Reynolds and Carolyn A. Newbigin, “All Else Being Equal: Are Men Always Higher In Social Dominance Orientation Than Women?”, European Journal of Social Psychology, 41, (2011), 796–806. Print Blustain, Sarah, "The Stealth Politics of Laura Schlessinger," . Lilith, Summer 2000. Web. 08 June 2013   Corrigan, John. Business of the heart: Religion and emotion in the 19th century. Berkeley: University of California Press, 2002. Print. Dicker, Rory, and Alison Piepmeier. Catching a Wave: Reclaiming Feminism for the 21st Century. Boston: Northeastern UP, 2003. Print. Hyde, Janet. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60, (2005) 581–592. Print. Know Your Right Wingers, “Laura Schlessinger”, Campus Progress.Org 2005. Web. 06 June 2013 < http://campusprogress.org/articles/laura_schlessinger/> Pratto, Felicia, Jim Sidanius, J., & Shana Levin,” Social dominance theory and the dynamics of intergroup relations: Taking stock and looking forward”, European Review of Social Psychology, 17, (2006), 271–320. Print Presley, Sharon, “Don't Listen To Dr. Laura Her Advice Is Unsound, Hypocritical, And Cruel”, Secular Humanism.Org n.d. Web. 07 June 2013 < http://www.secularhumanism.org/library/fi/presley_21_1.html> Saunders, Kendra J. and Susan Kashubeck-West, “The Relations Among Feminist Identity Development, Gender-Role Orientation, And Psychological Well-Being In Women”, Psychology of Women Quarterly, 30, (2006), 199-211. Print. Sere, Adriene. “Dr. Laura Spreads Her Hate Too Far”. Said it.Org. 2000. Web. 08 June 2013. < http://www.saidit.org/archives/apr00/apr_article3.html> Schlessinger, Laura, Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives, Harper Perennial (A Division of HarperCollins Publishers) 1995. Print. Shields, Stephanie.A. “Passionate Men, Emotional Women: Psychology Constructs Gender Difference in the Late 19th Century”, History of Psychology, 10(2), (2007) 92–110. Print. Read More