Barfing as Identity Development and Expression in Myles Everyday Barf - Essay Example

Barfing as Identity Development and Expression in Myles’ “Everyday Barf” To barf is disgusting, but for another writer, it is about being real. In “Everyday Barf,” Eileen Myles depicts some of the reasons that force people to spill their guts. These reasons seem mundane, but in reality, they say something about the real feelings and aspirations of those who barf. Nothing is random in Myles’ prose poem because events, actions, and characters are all interconnected. Myles depicts different events and conditions that make her and other people barf, thereby showing that barfing is both an individual and collective process. Myles argues that to puke is a metaphor of developing and expressing one’s true identity because it is a process of spilling what is inside, which is similarly gross and liberating. To puke is to develop one’s identity because it concerns the process of releasing one’s inner contents. Exploring relationships with other people is integral to developing self-identity. Myles’ troubled relationship with her mother is implicated in her reflections about barfing because her mother affects her fundamental process of becoming. On the one hand, she wants to be near her mother again: “I was feeling a little sad this time since I had been trying to get my mother…to come back with me to P-town” (Myles 75). Her sadness reflects a need for a mother in her life. Myles might be craving for comfort from the original woman of her life because of her failed relationships in the past. She notes that she is with someone, who used to be special, in the boat: “I sat back down with J-, increasingly my ex…” (Myles 75). The word “increasing” suggests that she knows that J is slipping away from her, as if Myles has had the same feeling before. On the other hand, Myles shows hesitation in being with her mother again. She thinks that “maybe [she] didn’t really want that” (Myles 75) and her mother may not have wanted it either. Still, the feeling that she “failed” affects her (Myles 75). The barfing at the boat signifies that something rocked their boat in the past. It was “too stormy,” a symbolism for their stormy relationship (Myles 75). Inside the boat, Myles notices a “fag” with his lover, and when he throws up, she and another woman “were disgusted” (Myles 75). The connection she has with this woman is one of shared revulsion, as if they are disgusted, not only with the look and smell of the puke, but because of the fact that this man is gay. The disgust must be something that Myles felt from her mother, when she realizes that her daughter is gay. Somehow, Myles relates her gender orientation to puking and because of her possibly bad experience with her mother, she resists expressing her gay identity again so openly. When she says that she “[h]aven’t puked for years” (Myles 75), it suggests that she has not been so openly gay for a long time. It is ironic because she goes to rallies to express her political opinions, but she cannot do that for her gender orientation. Myles feels uncomfortable in shouting “O-Reil-ly” outside Fox because she feels it is a racist chant (Myles 74). Race is like gender issues for her, something that she feels the inequality of. O’Reilly makes her nervous because it touches on similar equality concerns. She is a “little bit scared” because she did not want to puke (Myles 75). She knows she is gay, but she is not confident in puking it out. Puking is one way for Myles to publicly blast off her gender to others, but because she needs to develop her confidence in it, she has reservations in puking. To puke is to express that identity to others, including its gross elements, because it is part of the real self. Myles realizes that puking can be sickening, especially in public. She notes that as she and the woman look at one another, they share the same feelings: “We were disgusted. Maybe a little bit scared” (Myles 75). Disgust is related to being scared, wherein they are afraid that if they show themselves to others, the public will be revolted. Despite these apprehensions, Myles believes in self-expression. The “tipping” of the boat relates to the tip of the iceberg, the iceberg of her full identity. Myles says: “The boat tipping, aiming up. Have you noticed how tipping is in the news? For a while, things were spiking, they were ramping up and now they’re tipping…Barf” (Myles 76). Myles shows that sometimes, people do not want to tip the boat because it can show too much of their identity. Too much tipping results to barfing, a complete revelation of the inner self, but to tip is one of the ways of being real. When the boat tips, it aims up; it aims up because it is a good aim to be real, to be true to one’s various identity dimensions, including gender. Furthermore, Myles argues that puking is realizing the good and bad in oneself. She writes a poem of puking to her mom to represent the pros and cons of puking: “Dear Mom. Blah. My whole life shooting all over the windows of the boat. Dear Mom Blah. The stuff streaming word by word across the lines dripping down the page of my notebook” (76-77). To puke is to be honest to her mom. At the same time, to puke is to let her mom see the vast sides of her identity, including the gross shooting puke parts, because all are bits and pieces of her. The process of puking is gross, but enlightening about one’s innermost identity. Aside from exploring the process of revelation and development of identity through puking, to puke is a matter of biology, environment, and decision, where both influence one’s identity. Barfing is a product of nature, the innate sense to express what is inside. Myles expresses the celebration of puking: “What fact. My séance. My sitting there on my ass on the boat in the middle of all these people puking” (76). She realizes that puking is common to all, a universal self-expression method that naturally drives many people. Moreover, barfing is a product of society too. Myles underscores that people follow what others do: “You think of kids. I always heard that kids in you know like first grade have this serial puking” (76). People barf when they see other barfing, as if they are sharing a common social activity. Furthermore, barfing is a choice. Myles remembers that as a kid, they do puking for fun: “We would ‘throw up’ when I was a kid, that’s what we did at home” (79). They have the will to puke, and they did it out of fun and entertainment. The meaning of these activities is that sometimes, people puke because it is part of their biological need and environmental effects, but also because they want to. Puking has various elements, all of which contribute to the process of expressing oneself in a publicly explosive way. To puke is to not be afraid of spilling and making a mess, as long as one gets a better view of oneself and develop as a better person from there. Myles is showing that one way of knowing oneself is through barfing one’s inner contents, where to publicize something is to internalize it too. Puking might seem horrible, but it reveals something important, such as the time when Myles goes into the bathroom to puke: “I felt like a worm. Like there was no difference between me- and anything. It was just this force flowing through me” (78). The worm stands for eating what seems to be gross, and knowing that that life comes from what is falling apart (the decaying things that worms eat). The force that flows through Myles helps her understand her limitations as a person and as a gay woman, but she finds out her strength too. Myles uses prose poetry to explain the beautiful and unpleasant sides of puking. “Everyday Barf” symbolizes the journey of knowing oneself. To barf is initially disgusting, but it is liberating. People cannot hide the sides of their self that affect their attitudes and behaviors. When the boat of life tips and it always does, they barf and explode. Myles shows that they should not apologize for their puke. Puking is as much as universal, as it is also personal. It just comes in different times and contents. Every barf, nevertheless, is the same in its innerness and the same in its explosiveness. Work Cited Myles, Eileen. “Everyday Barf.” Sorry (2007): 73-81. Print. Read More