Analysis of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and The Optimistic Child Article - Book Report/Review Example

The Seven principles for making marriage work The Seattle Love Lab is a laboratory in “the of Washington” (Gottman, 2000, p locatedin Seattle. It is a fabricated studio apartment. Outside the apartment the Mont Lake is visible with its deep blue water. Joggers run in the park along the banks of the lake and the geese can be seen waddling in the water. The apartment is “equipped with a fold-out sofa, a working kitchen, a phone, Tv VCR, and CD player” (Gottman, 2000, p. 2). There is a one way mirror in the kitchen from the other side of which the team of scientists accompanying John Gottmann keeps a watch on the couple that volunteers to act as subjects for the experiment. Three video cameras ate installed in the wall and micro phones are clipped to the collars of the subjects’ clothes. The apartment is made impart the feel of an ordinary household as much as possible. Gottman has addressed the question of successful marriage in his research by supplementing the traditional and well known approaches towards the studies of marriages with some innovative methods. These methods have been researched and devised by Gottman and are extensive in forms in order to deliver a deeper understanding on the issue. The team of scientists is keeping in touch with seven hundred couples by way of different studies in this field. The research is the first of its kind in which such extensive observations are being made and the observations are being interpreted and analyzed thoroughly to come to a solid conclusion. The couples that have been interviewed are newlyweds and also long term married couples. They have been questioned about the history of their marriage, the philosophy they have of marriage and their view of their parents’ marriage. The marital discussions they have amongst themselves regarding various issues have been videotaped and the measures of “their heart rates, blood flow, sweat output, blood pressure, and immune function” (Gottman, 2000, p. 7) have been recorded moment by moment. The tapes have been played back later on and the couples have been asked to provide an insider’s perspective on “what they were thinking and feeling when, say, their heart rate or blood pressure suddenly surged during a marital discussion” (Gottman, 2000, p. 7). Gottman is keeping continuous track of these couples and gets in touch with them minimally once every year in order to see how the relationships are faring. Gottman can predict the future of the marriages in terms of whether they would stay happily married or would divorce, by observing the couple discuss about an issue, say, trying to solve a problem prevailing in their married life. He states that it is not arguments that lead the way to a divorce, but the way in which the couple argues. He recognizes four signs that help him predict divorces; harsh start up, the four horse men, flooding and body language. 2. Emotionally intelligent couples bond well with each other and are intimately familiar with the world that surrounds his or her spouse. Gottman has named this situation as “having a richly detailed love map” (Gottman, 2000, p. 48). He has couned the term ‘love map’ to denote that part of the brain that in which the relevant information regarding the partner’s life is stored. In other words the love maps can be described by the fact that these couples make “plenty of cognitive room for their marriage” (Gottman, 2000, p. 48) and they keep updating the preserved information “as the facts and feelings of their spouses world change” (Gottman, 2000, p. 48). These couples know each other very well; they know one another’s goals in life, one another’s worries and also the hopes that each one of them has. In this way they couples develop knowledge about the about the other partner’s inner world. The love maps questions game should be played by both the spouses in a jovial spirit. The procedure is described below. Each one has to select twenty numbers at random between 1 and 60 and write them down on a piece of paper. Then they would have to ask the questions from the given list of numbered questions that match the numbers written on the paper. On correct answer the respondent gets the point assigned to the question in the list and the other person who asks the question and is also the judge, gets one point. On wrong answer no one gets any point. The person with the higher at the end of the game is the winner. 3. The fondness and admiration can be nurtured within the couples preserving the positive feelings that have been experienced by both the partners towards one another in the past. To make a marriage work well it is not only important to retain the past memories about the days of their dating relationship and the early days of their marriage, but also keep the memories alive. This store of good feelings acts as a powerful buffer when bad times hit a marriage. The nurturing of fondness and admiration are the two most crucial elements for a marriage to be rewarding and long lasting. Based on these strong good thoughts the couples do not feel inclined toward “cataclysmic thoughts about separation and divorce” (Gottman, 2000, p. 65) every time they argue over some topic. 4. Romance in real life is carried forward through pretty humdrum activities which are part of the normal daily life. These are the actual approaches through which the couple remains connected to one another. When the couples frequently engage in small chit chats they turn towards each other, instead of turning away from one another. This keep them aware of the feelings of their partners and the helps them to understand each other better. Emotional bids are the calls that one partner makes for the other’s “attention, affection, humor, or support” (Gottman, 2000, p. 80). This provides for small moments of connection between the two in the daily life, which erases the possibility of awkward silences in a married life at times of stress. Turning towards the other partner forms “the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life” (Gottman, 2000, p. 80). Partners who can naturally turn toward one another for small reasons, instead of turning away, build up emotional savings which serves as a support in rough times. 5. The partners in a marriage need to take decisions jointly for a marriage to thrive. Both the partners need to respect and honor each other. Both the partners might argue about a certain topic and in these cases the best solution is found when both agree to find a ground of common interest. The wives often allow their husband’s interest to influence their own, but it is the husband’s duty to return the favor, which they often do not do. If they do not do so, the marriage becomes one sided. A marriage gets on the way of destruction when the husband does not willingly share the power of decision making with his wife. While men share the seat of power with their wives equally without resisting the process, it does not imply that they are being ruled by their wives. The question about equal sharing of marital power and in this frame not one is ruled by the other. It is important for the husbands to let their wives’ decisions to influence them since it maintains the parity of the weights of both the partners in the marriage. The wives of such men are most likely to be less harsh in their behavior with their husbands while into any argument. This increases the chances of their marriage to thrive. 6. All forms of marital conflicts can be categorized into two types; either these are temporary and can be solved, or they are perpetual and would be a constant part of the couple’s lives throughout. The solvable problems are apparently simple compared with the unsolvable ones. However, they can be a source of lot of pain between the husband and wife. The solvable problems can be told from the perpetual ones on the grounds that these seem less intense and gut-wrenching. These problems are focused on a particular dilemma and are situational. When an emotionally intelligent couple faces a mutual disagreement they are more tolerant of each other’s imperfections. Thus the solvable problems do not interfere for long with the marital happiness of the couple. The perpetual problems are not solvable due to permanent difference of ideas between the partners. However, people might also live a happy married life without solving these perpetual problems. The couple understands that these problems are a part of their relationship. Although they might not like to have such problems, they are capable of coping with them. But sometimes the husband or the wife accuse the other for being rude and uncaring and this reveals the lack of trust between the two. The issues like security, selfishness and trust become major concern in the lives of the husband and the wife, pushing aside the importance of living a life together. Such disagreements symbolize deeper conflicts and might end up in to a broken marriage. 7. An argument that has a soft start up does not contain the four negativities, i.e., “criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling” (Gottman, 2000, p. 160). Soft start ups are a way of starting a discussion that has an argument embedded in it. The discussion might be regarding an issue that entails complaint from either or both of the spouses, but a soft start up implies that neither of the partners criticize the other or be harsh with him or her. Gottman has found through his researches that most discussions “end on the same note” (Gottman, 2000, p. 80) as they had begun. A soft start up signals towards a much productive discussion, and it is likely to bring a solution to the problem. Repair attempts are efforts made to prevent an argument to end in a disaster. When an argument starts off or takes the turn towards a bitter path repair attempts act like brakes. This happens when the air between the two partners are not too clouded by negativity. Self soothing techniques are a good sign in an argument involving issues arising in marital life, and in simple words mean keeping calm. These reflect that the partners are in a relaxed mood even though conversing on a conflicting topic. Physiological reactions like yawns are a significant self soothing technique that shows that the person is not anxious or alarmed thereby reducing the stress involved in the discussion. Compromise can happen in a marriage only when both the partners are in a positive mode and are ready to accept influence from the other. It requires both to be open minded. They can then talk about their differences in a systematic way and find a preferable solution to a solvable problem. 8. The partners should realize that either or both of them might have a stressful day at work. They should take some time to unwind and talk to one another. Jogging or meditating as a part of the daily routine works its way towards providing some relaxation. The point is that the marriage has to be made “a place of peace” (Gottman, 2000, p. 188). The husband has to play a significant part in “establishing a sense of we-ness” (Gottman, 2000, p. 189) and stand by his wife firmly. In situation of differences between his wife and mother, he has to help his mother realize that “he is a husband first” (Gottman, 2000, p. 190) and that his wife along with him is a family unit. The couple should chalk out a clear budgeting plan to prioritize their needs for spending, savings and investment to resolve their solvable financial problems. They can do this by itemizing their current expenditure, managing the daily expenses and planning the future expenses beforehand. The couple needs to have clear communications in regard to their want, likes and dislikes about sex. Sex can be seen as an excellent way to feel the intimacy in the relationship. The housework has to be shared between both the man and wife, and it can be well planned in the form of a detailed list. The birth of child is a turning point for every marriage. This transforms the feelings and priorities of the new mother and it is crucial for her husband to undergo similar transformations in order to accept his wife’s changes with happiness. This would help to solve a lot of solvable issues. 9. Identification of the dreams that are fuelling a conflict in a marriage is crucial. When the dreams of both partners stand on strong opposition grounds, they are likely to reach a gridlock. Touchy issues such as parenthood, religious beliefs and feelings about family tend to create a gridlock if not discussed openly. Dreams sometimes stay hidden and uncovering them is a difficult task. Dreams hidden deep within the minds of the partners, when not respected, give rise to conflicts. In order to talk about dreams-within-conflict, the couple has to make themselves feel that their marriage a safe place to talk. While partners are engaged in a stressful discussion, they should make effort to calm them down intentionally and then calm each other. They might take massage sessions or guide “each other through a meditation process” (Gottman, 2000, p. 180). They might try some exercises for the body muscles and help each other in doing it. Soothing each other can be done at any time; it prevents possibility of flooding in arguments in future. 10. Each family is a unit and creates a micro culture within itself. They have their own rituals, customs and myths; sharing of which within the family members makes them realize the deep sense of their marriage. Rituals might entail some small act as a family photo session or the home made birthday cake. The role each partner plays in the marriage makes it stable or unstable. Their view of their roles and their goals in life has to be communicated properly and enacted accordingly to create a sense of sharing between the partners. They can share their goals and work together towards achieving it. This increases the feeling of solidarity and creates a shared meaning for their marriage. 11. The seventh principle of creating a shared meaning can be used to improve a parent child relationship. On following this principle, the parents engage in some activities that involve the entire family including their children. This helps in building a sense of support and trust for each other within the members. The child can connect with the parents for her feelings and needs. This helps both the parents to understand her as their child as well as a separate individual. This allows them to guide her through her problems and also let her enjoy her own space to grow up. It is a non-romantic relationship between a child and the parents which can be nurtured through the creation of a set of values within the family. The Optimistic Child 1. Children are the future of any country. They need to be optimistic about life, their talents and the responsibility they would shoulder on growing up. This is of utmost necessity since the child would be filled with a sense of her worth and the importance of her existence to the society. If a child is sown the right way to act through proper guidance she would recognize the faults in her ways but not feel low due to them. She would be optimistic about undertaking such responsibilities in the future and be confident about completing the task successfully. However, if she becomes pessimistic about her behaviors, habits, manners, popularity among peers and her mistakes that she commit, it would cast a negative shade upon her inner feelings which would gradually make her shrink from the society and fill her with gloom. This would be harmful for a healthy growth of a child. A nation having a big percentage of such children implies that the country would be crippled in the near future, being filled with passive, impassionate and vigor-less adults. A sense of optimism prevents a person from feeling dejected and lonely. It makes one realize her worth and helps her find out the ways in which she can do a work in her own way to achieve success. In a broader sense, optimism prevents a youth from negative habits and addictions which are harmful for them as well as the society. 2. According to Martin Seligman, self esteem is a good feeling. It is supposed to enhance the child’s thoughts and feelings toward himself. However, Seligman has shown concern over the fact that such a promotion of self esteem is based upon nothing tangible. The self esteem is based only on praise and subjectivity of the child in the view of the others (Seligman et al., 2007, p. 32). This process ignores the child’s personal value system and the approach he makes naturally towards the dealing of various problems in life. This makes the child ignore the differences that each child possesses as a part of their natural growing process. They are made to fit into the approach of inauthentic self esteem and disconnect her from the feelings that she personally has for himself. Seligman believes that the mere boosting of self esteem would not help in stopping the problem of depression. The children need to be imparted with the knowledge of how they can perform well and improve their commerce with the rest of the world, by teaching them the methods of studying well, educating them to avoid the chances of early pregnancy and encouraging them to disengage from drugs and other gangs that commit unsocial activities. The process of boomer child’s rearing lacked the component to create a meaning for the child’s life and integrate her with the larger society. 3. Optimism does not lie upon positive phrases of esteem or pictures depicting victory. The deeper causes behind such actions are the three dimensions recognized by Seligman that a child uses to explain a good event or a bad event. The three fundamental P’s are “permanence, pervasiveness, and personalization” (Seligman et al., 2007, p. 52). Children that generally consider the causes of any bad event to be permanent are likely to be more prone to depression than others. These children are pessimistic towards their view of the occurrences in life. Optimistic children think about their failures and other bad events as a temporary occurrence and believe these would pass. Hence the optimistic and the pessimistic children respond differently to the events of life. The two types of children mentioned above project the effects of any event in different ways across time. If a child believes that the cause of her disappointment is pervasive, she projects its effects across different situations in her life. She would look at the problem as having a global effect and affecting all other phenomena in her life. She slips into a mood of depression. However, children that recognize specific reasons and can explain them for the failure, they see the failure as restricted to the particular happening, and can lead a cheerful life on the basis of the remaining portions of their life that has not disappointed them. Finally, the decision regarding “who is at fault” (Seligman et al., 2007, p. 58) is crucial. It is the third account of the explanatory style, i.e. Personalization. Self esteem governs the decision making about who the child blames for the incident. Children that most of the times feel guilty (internal) for some bad event show low self esteem. Other children that blame others for the event (external) make a show of greater self esteem. 4. I have helped my son complete the Children’s Attributional Style Questionnaire by reading the questions aloud to him twice and then letting him answer the question. My son is seven years of age. After reading out one question slowly for the first time I waited for him to explain to me what the question is asking of him. After listening to his explanation, I read out the question once again. Next I gave the paper to him and asked him to take some time to think before choosing an alternative ticking on it with a pencil. It took him twenty minutes to answer the entire set of forty eight questions. Then I took the questionnaire form him and counted the scores separately for permanent bad events (PMB), pervasive bad events (PVB), permanent good events (PMG), pervasive good events (PVB), personal bad events (PSB) and personal good events (PSG). Then I computed the (PMG+PVG+PSG) (equal to G) and the (PMB+PVB+PSB) (equal to B). After that I subtracted the total B from the total G. In this way I obtained the overall score of my child in the Children’s Attributional Style Questionnaire. My son scored a 6. It is a good score for a boy of his age and reveals that he is optimistic. I am not surprised with his score since my son appears to be quite optimistic going by his kind of behavior of that I have noticed in his daily activities, behavior on playground and reports of participation in class. 5. Optimism is a trait that is caused partly by the genes that a child gets from her parents. To some extent, optimism is heritable. It implies that certain characteristic features that a child inherits from her parents, such as tallness, orderliness, beauty, etc., leads to her achievement of success. The more success she gains, the more optimistic she becomes. However, optimism cannot be attributed to the genes entirely. Proper childhood experiences are crucial in formation of optimism. Parents and teachers play a big role in this regard. Parents act as the framework within which the traits of the children are developed. Children notice and listen to their parents intently. They pick up the parents behavioral traits very quickly, such as, the way the parents react when they are upset, or how they slam the door, or the long explanation they provide as a cause for their lateness. Teachers and coaches influence the formation of the explanatory style of children to a great extent. Teachers criticize children in different ways. Some of the criticisms show the children the reality help them to accept it. In other cases the teachers’ or coaches criticism reflect their personal bad habits. They often make comments showing discrimination between the genders or mocks at a child’s failure in a rude manner. All these influence a child’s explanatory style. 6. The Penn Prevention Program is a depression prevention program that is designed to deal with cognitive distortions in middle school children. There were two main components of the program; cognitive therapy and social problem-solving therapy. The most vulnerable children between the age of ten years to twelve years had been selected for the program. These children used to suffer from behavior problems, low self esteem, and poor academic achievement as well as peer relations. The children were taught to identify the negative beliefs that fuelled their lack of self esteem and were taught to find alternative explanations for those situations of failures. They were also educated with “the skills of optimism” (Seligman et al., 2007, p. 134) to enhance their assertiveness and practice of relaxation. The aim of this program was to test the effect of the methodology used in the program on prevention of depression. The subjects were treated under these procedures and results obtained were compared with that obtained from the control group. The children that had undergone treatment showed significantly lower symptoms of depression compared to controls. When followed up with the subjects after a period of six months, treatment children were found to reflect quite less depressive symptoms. Children that had previously reported high parental conflicts showed lesser depressive symptoms post test. Parents of the treatment children reported fewer externalizing symptoms than the controls. 7. Optimism is the key to do away with depression. Martin Seligman advocates that optimism is also a major factor in improving children’s physical health, besides their mental health. When a child is faced with adversity, optimism acts as a boost to keep her going and does not let her get stranded to her failures. Optimism is an en explanatory style that explains the way one view incidents of success and failure. Thus if a child has to be turned away from depression, her explanatory style has to be changed. The ABC Model used by Seligman to teach optimism to children embodies Adversity (A) (that describes a current incident of failure), Belief (B) (self talk of the student) and Consequence (C) (student’s reaction to failure and performance in the consequential situation). In the ABC Model, we assume that emotions are not devoutly controlled by the adversities that one faces. Rather, expression of emotions is a consequence of the belief that one holds in regard to an adverse situation. Thus, what is more important is not the adversity, but the belief about the adversity. An example to illustrate the situation is: a person walks down the street talking to a friend. Another person coming from the opposite direction bumps into the first person (adversity) and walks away without apologizing. The person becomes angry and turns around to yell at the other person out of anger (consequence). The belief working behind the reaction is that the person who collided is rude and made the collision intentionally. However, now he notices that the person that bumped into him is wearing dark glasses and carrying a walking stick. It dawns upon him that the person is blind and it stops him from yelling. Instantly he feels sorry for getting so angry. At this, the reaction changes not because the adversity changes, but because the belief about the adversity changes. 8. Four basic skills of optimism are explained below: Thought catching - Learning how to identify the thoughts that cross our minds when we face adverse situations. These thoughts occur automatically and affect our mood to a large extent and hence our behavior. This technique is known as ‘thought catching’. For example, when a student fails in an exam, he thinks he is a failure and a loser. He feels he will not succeed anywhere else. Evaluating thoughts - The process of evaluation of the automatic thoughts described above have to be learnt. It requires one to acknowledge that all his thoughts and self talks are not always accurate. In our above example, the student must consider the reasons for his poor performance and what problems he faced before or during the exam. Creating alternative thoughts - Alternative thoughts have to be generated for providing more accurate explanations for the adversity. These thoughts are to be directed in a channel to challenge the automatic thoughts. Alternative thoughts help a child realize her worth and identify the real cause behind his failure instead of resting the entire burden of blame for the failure upon his incapability. The student must realize his other areas of interest and understand that he can excel there. Decatastrophizing - Decatastrophizing requires one to reflect upon the time when the adversity occurred. Sometimes although planning for the worst consequence (known as catastrophizing) makes us ready for it, at other times, particularly when such worst consequence is highly unlikely to happen, catastrophizing is a waste of time and energy and is responsible for unnecessary depression. The student in our example must not think that he would be a failure in the next exam as well, rather put his efforts to improve his performance. 9. Seligman has offered a set of five steps to solve the problems faced by children. These steps are explained below: Slow down – The child faced with adverse situation should take some time before he or she acts. A decision taken in a hurry might not be optimal. Perspective taking – The problem should be judged from different perspectives in order to understand it in depths. Goal setting – The teachers and parents should guide the child to realize her potentials and visualize her goals ahead. This would help her to take right steps in the right direction. Choosing a course of action – Choosing the right course of action is crucial in dealing with any problem. Any wrong step taken in a situation of crisis may put a further negative impact. Try alternative plan – Optimism is about trying to execute an alternative plan for the same work, in case the first plan fails to attain the desired result. 10. Seligman has advocated for the benefits accrued to a child when he looks at the good as well as bad incidents from an optimistic point of view. However, it does not imply that the parents should mold the child to become extremely optimist about each situation. Parents and children must understand that optimism is good only up to a certain limit. They should see themselves under the light of reality. They can challenge their automatic thoughts running in the negative direction only by acknowledging their actual potentials. Optimistic thoughts cannot make the child go beyond her abilities and see herself holistically successful. Optimism can only be helpful as long as one puts good effort to achieve success and remain positive in a disappointing situation with the faith of overcoming it next time. 11. A romantic relationship is one in which both partners are required to stay positive about their demands from the relationship and their goals in life. Conflicting situations arise in any kind of relationship; even in the ones shared by much contended couples. The magic lies not in eliminating the conflicts but in dealing with them intelligently. The ABC Model proposed by Seligman can be followed in a romantic relationship. The emotions resulting from an adverse situation is controlled by the belief held about the situation. Couples need to understand the situation better before letting out a reaction. This would help find a better resolve to any minor solvable problem without creating much misunderstanding. References Gottman, JM (2000)., The Seven principles for making marriage work, Crown Publishers, New York. Seligman, MEP, Reivich, K, Jaycox, L & Gillham J (2007), The Optimistic Child: A Proven Program to Safeguard Children Against Depression and Build Lifelong Resilience, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. Read More