Relationship Status - Essay Example

Relationship Status: “It’s Complicated” Scenario: Andy was my first love. We started dating when we were seniors in high school and this went on foralmost three years. Ours was a very sweet and wholesome love affair that entailed looking into a future together with big hopes and dreams. However, since we went to different universities in our college years, we did not see each other as much, and eventually, our relationship fizzled out and we went on our separate ways. He left for Australia shortly after his college graduation and settled there as an IT specialist. Losing contact with each other, we both had strings of relationships until both of us had our families. Both of us had only one child out of our own marriages and both of us got divorced from our spouses. Twenty years later, Andy came back to visit me at my mom’s house. He just took a chance if I was there, and was surprised when I was, as I was also visiting her. It was a pleasant surprise for both of us. At first, it was awkward seeing your first love two decades later when a whole lifetime has passed in between. We caught up with each other’s lives, but did not have enough time, since he was flying back to Australia the following day. A week later, I found a friend request on Facebook from Andy which I happily accepted. Since that time, we have spent much time chatting with each other, and even tried video-chatting a few times. Over time, we realized we were still in love with each other after all these years. Although we did not officially declare that we are once again a couple, we treat each other as if we are. I cannot fully commit to him because I did not really believe in long distance relationships, and somehow, had doubts as to his relationship history, since he has shared that he’s been into several relationships after his divorce. I, myself, have not gone dating after my divorce, so I had several qualms about getting into a serious relationship at this point in my life. Meanwhile, I decided to enjoy what Andy and I currently have, without the complications of commitment. It is what is known in social networking sites as a relationship status of “It’s Complicated”. Attraction Our initial attraction to each other was physical. Andy was a very handsome teenager, and was quite popular with the girls. On the other hand, I did not look bad myself, being a cheerleader and a prom queen contender. Knowing each other well as we dated exclusively in our teens, the attraction went beyond the surface. I discovered that he had a kind heart which was compassionate to others in need. He was a very good son and brother and to top it all, he had a sense of humor that complemented mine. I admired his drive and ambition to be successful, and envied his focus and persistence in his studies. I was sure that he was a great catch and would be an ideal husband and father as well as a successful professional in the future. Andy admitted that he fell in love with my feminine ways and the way I treated my family and friends. He felt very protective over me because I was so naïve. He liked the fact that I was very down-to-earth and did not waste my time on shallow things such as fashion, make-up and boys. He loved my simplicity and the fact that I was a homebody, very skilled in cooking and home design and organization. He also thought I would make the perfect wife and mother someday. Our short term and long-term attraction factors for each other may be explained theoretically. Matlin (2008) explains gender differences in attraction partner as based on an evolutionary psychology approach. According to this approach, people’s preferences have roots in evolution where men prefer young, attractive, healthy-looking women who are likely to pass on men’s genes to the next generation. On the other hand, women are drawn to men who are economically stable to ensure that their future children are well provided for (Matlin, 2008). Women were also found to value a partner’s ambition, industriousness and social dominance as well as emotional stability and family orientation more than men do. Women also prefer more than men a partner’s capacity for emotional intimacy and kindness, but it is accepted that such traits may be considered luxuries rather than necessities (Li, Bailey, Kendrick and Linsenmeier, 2002). Eagly & Wood (1999) found that the structural features of societies may dictate mate preferences. For example, gender differences in preferences for a mate’s earning potential (men) and homemaking skills (women) may be strongly influenced by the economic status held by men and women in various societies. On hindsight, my attraction for Andy grew because of the traits he had that showed he would be a successful man in the future who could adequately provide for our future family. He, in turn, was more attracted to me because of my feminine traits and homemaking skills that show that I would be a caring mother to our future offspring. Power Andy and I share power equally in our relationship. In our past committed relationship, he felt power over me because he thought he can protect me from the dangers of the world. My naivete was endearing to him because it made him feel stronger and needed. On the other hand, my admiration for his ambition and perseverance was a motivating factor for him, and for me, it spelled some kind of power I have on him. Now, being in a long distance relationship that is not committed, power vacillates between us. We both know we still have feelings for each other, and provision of some proof of such feelings can be a source of power. For example, he may long for me to show affection for him and that gives me the power to give it or deprive it. It goes both ways. This may keep the relationship thrilling and frustrating at the same time. I know if I give in more to the strong feelings for him that I try to control, it would mean relinquishing more power to him because he would be more confident of where he stands. That is why I am on constant guard of how I behave towards him. That way, I maintain my power. Attraction and Power It is said that “love is better the second time around”, and for Andy and me, it remains to be seen. Twenty years apart is a long time, and so many things have happened to each of us that make us different now. However, our attraction for each other is still very strong. Perhaps that is due to the fact that we are rediscovering each other and the wisdom we gained through the years has make us more attractive to each other. As adults, we both know the importance of power and we both try to hold on to our personal power in protecting ourselves. We both have children now, and they are our priorities right now. Next Level It is up to us both if we want to bring our current “complicated” relationship to the next level – that of a more secure and committed one merging our lives together, children and all. However, for that to happen, we need to be more open to each other. Two relationship skills necessary in managing the relationship are communication skills and time management skills. Honest and open communication is key to a harmonious relationship. In order for my relationship with Andy to get better, we both need to let go of our inhibitions in terms of expressing what we feel and owning up to our emotions for each other. We need to tell each other everything the other needs to know such as why our separate marriages did not work, what we expect from our relationship with each other and what we can commit to the relationship. It may mean letting go of one’s control over emotions and being vulnerable to the consequences, but the risk is worth it. If the feeling is mutual, then there is no reason to worry. If not, then we would know that the relationship is not worth pursuing. Another strategy in improving our relationship and bringing it to the next level is making more time and effort to invest in the relationship, especially since long distance relationships need it more. Time management is important since both of us are very busy with our own lives, and we live on different time zones. We need to coordinate on the time both of us are available for each other. Andy and I can agree to set a common time for video chatting with each other, sharing pictures of our individual experiences, sending affectionate messages through email, mobile texts or even the regular “snail” mail, sending each other gifts and tokens as an expression of love. The physical unavailability may deter the relationship from progressing, but if more effort is exerted in making one’s presence felt, then there is a better chance for the relationship to work even if we are miles apart. References Eagly, A. H., &Wood,W. (1999). The origins of sex differences in human behavior: Evolved dispositions versus social roles. American Psychologist, 54, 408–423. Li, N. P., Bailey, J. M., Kenrick, D. T., & Linsenmeier, J. A.W. (2002). The necessities and luxuries ofmate preferences: Testing the tradeoffs. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82, 947–955. Matlin, M.W. (2008) The Psychology of Women, 6th Ed., Wadsworth, Cengage Learning. Matlin, M.W. (2008) The Psychology of Women, 6th Ed., Wadsworth, Cengage Learning. Read More