Alone as We Grieve - Essay Example

?Asaf Yona Composition 1500 Johnson September 12, Alone as we grieve Life is the most mysterious thing in this world. Nobody knows from where we come and where we go after death. Even though science and technology have developed a lot, still we are unable to find out the mysteries of life. Atheists are of the view that life ends at the time of death and the concepts about life after death are meaningless. On the other hand, theists or believers in God are of the view that life is only a temporary assignment and it is only the beginning of an eternal life after death. In any case, one thing is sure; body, mind, and spirit are the essential constituents of a living person. We know that our body gets destroyed after the death. However, we do not know what happens to the soul after death. There are plenty of people who believe that soul cannot be died even after the death of a person, as it is a form of energy, which drives our body. They substantiate their arguments with the help of scientific principles. Science accepts the existence of an energy, which drives our body. But, scientific principles say that energy can neither be created, nor be destroyed. If that is true science should explain what happens to the soul (energy) after death. In short, nobody can deny the existence of life after death. Didion’s experiences and feelings after the death of her husband can be analyzed under the above context. Didion wants to be alone—especially on the night of her husband’s death—but at other times she seems surrounded by people. In the following essay, I will examine the relationship between grief as we imagine it, and grief as it really is, in Joan Didion’s After Life”. “I remember a sense of shock. I wanted to say not yet but my mouth had gone dry. I could deal with “autopsy” but the notion of “obituary” had not occurred to me” (p11). These words clearly suggest the deep attachment Didion had with her husband. It should be noted that the autopsy is normally conducted on dead bodies, which are unknown to the doctor. At the same time, the word obituary we normally use when some of beloved ones passes away. In both the cases, one may feel grief, but the grief felt in the second case is deeper than the grief felt in the first case. “Grief is different. Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees, blind the eyes, and obliterate the dailiness” (p10). It is difficult to define grief in simple terms. Pain, helplessness and physical humiliation are some of the characteristics of grief. While pain affects both body and mind, grief affects only the mind or soul. Grief comes as waves and sudden apprehensions whereas pain affects a person continuously. All humans in this world should have experienced some kind of pain during their lifetime. Therefore, anybody can define pain in their own ways. However, it is difficult for a person who never experiences actual grief to define grief exactly. In other words, what we think about grief is actually different from what we feel because of grief. For example, it is easy for a person to give soothing words to the person who experiences grief. He may even criticize the griever for not controlling his/her grief. This is because of the differences about the perceptions of grief and the feeling of grief. Grief, when it comes, is nothing we expect it to be. It is not what I felt when my parents died. what I felt in each instance was sadness, loneliness, regret, for time gone by, for things unsaid, for my inability to share or even in any real way to acknowledge, at the end, the pain and helplessness and physical humiliation they each endured (p.10). Death of beloved ones always generates grief in the minds of a person. However, it is not necessary that the grief generated by the death of parents is same as the grief generated by the death of husband or children. Even though a person may have only one mother and father, that mother and father may have more than one child. So, grief generated by the death of parents is normally shared by the children. On the other hand, a person normally has only one wife or husband. So, it is difficult for the husbands or wives to share the grief generated by their intimate partner. In other words, one would feel a kind of loneliness when the partner departs. Didion felt shock once her parents passed away… but once her husband died, she wasn’t able to do anything. Not even the basic stuff she would do in her everyday life. In other words, the grief generated by the loss of parents and husband affected Didion differently. Even though Didion, felt shock upon the demise of her parents, still she could plan a menu for Easter lunch or remember to renew her passport. But, the death of husband wiped off everything, even the basic things out of her mind. In technical or computer terms, if the death of parents is a kind of deletion of certain file, the death of husband is complete formatting of the hard disk. Grief will be hyperactive at the time of its occurrence. It will be settled down as time goes on. The loss of beloved ones will affect the immediate relatives more than anybody else. It is easy for others to express their condolence and accept the realities. However, it is difficult for Didion like a wife to accept the unexpected demise of her beloved husband. It should be noted that the husband-wife relationship is the most deeply loved relationship in this world. Even mother-children or father- children relationships comes under the husband-wife relationship. Holy Bible says, after marriage, the bodies of a husband and wife are not two, but one. Not only body, but also the souls of the husband and wife would be united after the marriage. We know very well that how difficult to separate two things bonded together. For example, water is composed of hydrogen and oxygen. Even though both oxygen and hydrogen are two separate elements and gases, they combine to form a single compound; water. It is not easy to separate oxygen and hydrogen from water. Only thorough processes like electrolysis of water may separate hydrogen and oxygen. It should be noted that the binding energy, which helped hydrogen and oxygen to exist in the water molecule, will be released at the time of hydrolysis. We can compare Didion and her husband as hydrogen and oxygen, their life as water, electrolysis as the death of Didion’s husband and Didion’s grief as the binding energy. It should be noted that others may not experience the effect of binding energy or grief as does by Didion. So, their words may not help Didion very much immediately after the demise of her husband. “After that first night I would not be alone for weeks, but I needed that first night to be alone. I needed to be alone so that he could come back” (p.9). Grief generated by the loss of husband or wife is definitely a private matter since. As mentioned earlier, the loss of a particular parents, may affect all the children of that parents. But the loss of a husband or wife may affect one person. In other words, loss of husband is definitely a private matter for Didion and hence she liked to be alone at least for a night. The immediate moments after the death of Didion’s husband may put Didion in another world. In that world, she may not like others to interfere. That world would be definitely a private world and Didion may not like the intrusion of others into that world. As we know, there are plenty of private moments in the life of a husband and wife. Others may not be aware of such private moments since the husband and wife may not be ready to disclose such things to others. Didion wanted to recollect the moments of her private life with her husband immediately after the death of her husband. That is why she was interested in staying alone at least for few days after the death of her husband. Sharing of grief definitely helps a person to overcome the emotional catharsis. It is dangerous to allow grief to accumulate beyond certain limits. Suicidal thoughts and delusions may develop if a person allows grief to accumulate beyond the limits. Grief is a kind of energy which encourage a person to think negatively. Energy (positive or negative) accumulation at a certain place, is not at all good. The accumulated energy should be released somehow to avoid explosion or bad incidents. It is often said that crying is a good way to relieve the energy accumulated by grief. The company of beloved ones would definitely help a griever to release his/her accumulated grief energy. To conclude, what we perceive and what we actually experience or feel because of grief are entirely different. Those who have knowledge only about the concepts of grief cannot define grief properly as do by others who experienced grief in their lifetime. The loss of beloved husband has created a vacuum in the life of Didion. It may take some time to fill this vacuum with realities. Until then, it is more comfortable for Didion like wives to stay alone for a while rather than hearing the soothing words of others. In short, grief one would feel and grief one would imagine are entirely different things. Read More