Interpersonal Conflict - Essay Example

The current situation is such that there is a conflict of interest as far as what my husband and I want goes. We’ve had several disagreements over the past one month all of which center around a difference in our desires and goals. You see, getting a PhD has always been one of my goals not only because of my love for academics but also receiving a high degree in my education would boost my chances of finding a good job however as far as my husband is concerned his plans are vastly different from my career oriented ones. He was raised in a high context culture where family values, traditions and practices are all aligned. The separation from his family over the past years has been difficult for him, especially considering how close he is to his family. Also we have one beautiful child who he very much wants to raise among family. Furthermore he did not settle and adjust as well as I did here in the United States. He has many acquaintances and a lot of great colleagues but he constantly misses his family and friends from back home. He constantly keeps in touch with them and the effort he exerts to keep them constantly updated has led to his inability or lack of desire to want to make new close friends here. Now he is insisting that we move back with his family and leave the life that we have built here; a life that I find comfort and pride in. The conflict situation we are facing seems simple: do we go or do we stay? However we were unable to come to a decision as he firmly sticks by what he wants and I refuse to so easily pack up and leave everything I’ve worked hard for behind. We are yet to come to an effective and healthy solution to which we both agree. The application of the conflict triangle can be seen as part of the situation in the way the presence of its three interrelated dimensions is undeniable; substance, procedure and relationship. The substantive dimension is a reflection of the concrete content of the conflict; that is, to be closer to my husband’s family and friends we will have to move to his home country whereas if I want to get my PhD from here. The other dimension is that of the procedural dimension which depicts the process that is used to make the decision. This can be the intense long talks that we have, the number of pros and cons lists which we have made over the course of this entire conflict and the conversations that have taken place; all of which that have been conducted with the intent of solving this problem. The last dimension is that of the relationship which encompasses our reactions, attitudes, power and most of all the intimacy and intensity of the bond we share as husband and wife where the conflict has a great impact on the course our life and relationship takes. The progress that we make on one dimension will have a critical impact the others. This can be seen in the way the procedural dimension, our constant conversations leading to no resolution, having an impact on our relationship. The position of the parties can be seen in the roles which I and my husband occupy in our marriage. We both fulfill the role of providers since the both of us have jobs. We contribute equally towards the paying of bills and various household necessities. I take classes as well and will continue to do so as I want to do my PhD. My husband works full time and our relationship is relatively balanced in the way we both contribute to the completion of the household chores. We have one child so other than our jobs and my studies we devote the rest of the time for each other and have been a happy family for the past years. As far as our interests are concerned we usually manage our disagreements by finding common ground and quarrel infrequently. However our divergent interest as far as the current situation is concerned is a source of great unease for me. My husband is adamant that we move back to his home with his family now that I have completed my masters. We had initially planned to move back once I had graduated however I had always assumed that since we had settled so well and that he had such a great job we would extend our stay. Furthermore my love for academics and passion for getting a PhD was so obvious that somewhere along the way I had hoped he would understand and support my decision and my obvious interest when the time came. This highlights the basic core of our dilemma as we now find that our interests as far as the current situation is concerned vary greatly. Option generation was indeed used as a tool for us to negotiate and come to an agreeable solution. It is through option generation that we tried to generate, evaluate and then select from the multiple available options that we put forward on the bargaining table, a solution. However the process is not as simple or straightforward as it seems. Though we were able to suggest a number of options the fact that in this kind of negotiation it is obvious that each party will include only those options which they are actually willing to consider, so with an increase in the number of options, the more likely it seems that each party will discard the options which maximizes the others preferences. Also since this is a highly personal and emotional decision it works against the option generation prescription which rests on the assumption that the negotiators will make rational decisions by independently assessing the subjective value of each option, then ranking them in order, and finally selecting one which offers the most value. However since we suggested so many options; stay till I finish my PhD and then move back home, move back home and pursue higher education there, invite the family over for a visit and remain here, spend the vacations back home with the family and remain settled in the US, remain in the US and complete my PhD and if I cannot find a great job we can move back with my husbands family or we move back with the family only if my husband manages to find a job back home which is better than the one he currently has. The options in themselves seen to raise further complications and we stopped to look at the consequences that option generation in negotiation can give rise to: such as, contrast and compromise, non-compensatory decision making and decision regret. The getting to the YES concepts that apply to my situation and deals with the levels of negotiation and conflict resolution start from the first core principle that: ‘Separate the people from the problem’, this is done by highlighting and separating the individual desires, perception and attitudes that myself husband and I have. The key question that we ask ourselves based on this principle is: how do I as a mature adult think the outcome of this conflict resulting in benefiting us? How much am I willing to give up? The next principle can be summarized in shifting the focus on interests and not positions; this is done by disregarding the current roles that we fulfill personally and looking instead at our current interests and perceptions. ‘Work together to come up with options that will prove satisfactory to both parties’; this we worked at by undertaking the options evaluation process. My role over the course of this conflict varied over the period of time. It was complicated since I had to voice not only my own concerns as a passionate student but also as a career woman and a wife. Juggling these three roles and finding a common voice and agreeable stance which fulfilled the basic criteria of all three aspects of my personality over the course of the conflict was a challenge. The final outcome of the entire conflict resolution process that we undertook was such that my husband and I agreed to wait till I finished my PhD from the US and in the mean time since my husband missed his family a lot we would visit them during the summer and winter holidays. After I finish my PhD whether we remain in the US or move back would depend on whether I am able to get a great job. If I am able to find a job that is acceptable closer to my husbands family we will then move there. Another option would be that I stay here and that he moves back to be closer to his family in which case we might have to work on our marriage however each of us gets what we want. One factor of consideration here which will effect the decision we make is the fact that if we move back to his family the PhD that I do will have to be self financed, which is not only expensive but would be a financial strain on our families already incurred expenses due to the move. Whereas right now being on scholarship my education does not place any strain on our expenses. It is from this conflict that I learnt the importance and significance of handling a conflict and managing it well. The dilemma that we faced was severe and if each of us was unwilling to compromise or perhaps adopt resolution techniques that looked simply at our own interests we might have ended up doing more damage than good to our marriage. I learnt that I can be patient and learn to compromise because as much as I am career oriented I can work at my role of being a good wife too. It also shows how two people who are bonded by marriage can have divergent views and yet makes things work by coming to an understanding. In the future I believe I will be able to streamline the process that we undertook through the course of this dilemma and concentrate my energy into finding a reasonable solution instead of dragging the conflict over a long period of time leading to mental and emotional exhaustion and a lot of frustration to both parties. It has helped me grow not only as an individual but also given me strength to be decisive and patient.   References Cloke, K & Goldsmith, J. (2000). Resolving personal and organizational conflict. Jossey-Bass Publishers. Fisher, R & William, L. (1981). Getting to YES: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. Penguin Group. Read More