Domestic Violence - Why Women Stay - Research Paper Example

 Why Women Stay Name University Domestic Violence: Why Women Stay Domestic violence is pattern that develops over time designed to exert control and power over one person in a relationship through intimidating, threatening, harmful or harassing behavior. (Dutton 1995) Most cases of domestic violence recorded have been against women and the abusers are the men who they are closely associated with in the form of a relationship or marriage. Social status, race, nationality, marital status, age and sex religion has almost nothing to do with the domestic violence that women have to face in certain relationships. Men are rarely found to be victims of any such domestic violence and it is often their women counterparts who have to bear it all. The worst problem of domestic violence is that we all have myths that we believe in regarding it. We all want to be reassured and we often put ourselves in denial that is not a part in our community or surroundings if we are lucky enough to have happy relationships and families. Statistics have shown that no neighborhood is entirely ‘safe’ from domestic abuse. It is just that we chose to close our eyes to it until the problem hits home. Records from 1997 for Michigan show that one woman was murdered once in every seven days by a former or current partner. (Courtesy Michigan State Police Records) Sometimes men make excuses for their abusive behavior, stating that there partner was lying or cheating on them so they deserve to be hit. This concept is widely used by men to defend their abusive behavior and sometimes women delude themselves into thinking that the men do it because they love them. This is a psychological trick to control the mind, and the abuse is no one’s fault by the abuser himself. Also, thinking that it is out of the love is again a concept that is wrong. This could be one of the reasons why women choose not to report any such abuse to the authorities. Another myth is that pretty widespread is alcohol and drug abuse are something that cause the violence to occur against the partner. Sometimes partners use stress as an excuse to beat up their women, but again these are just excuses so they cannot be held responsible. Many respectable people in the society drink socially and that does not cause them to go home and beat up their wives or girlfriends. An abuser would always be looking for a chance or an excuse to abuse, since that way the fear in the victim keeps steady so she would not even dream of attempting escapade. (0Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1.6 - 1.7) Generally, domestic violence escalates when the abuser has learnt and chosen to abuse in order to control and put fear in the victim who is obviously closely associated with him. Domestic violence is not a cause of any kind of mental health problems, but it a widely known excuse for the abusers (Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1 - 5) About one in three women in the United States have been sexually or physically abused by their some they were in a relationship with. (Commonwealth Fund 1999) Sometimes this abuse gets to the point where those females are actually killed by their partners. In 1996, thirty percent of the females who lost their lives due to homicide were killed by their husbands and boyfriends either with the intent of killing or they died during or because of the effects of physical abuse. (Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1997) Plenty of women are actually trapped in these abusive relationships, it is not that they want to leave or they like being abused, is just that is extremely dangerous for them to leave. The most dangerous time for a woman in abusive relationship is when she tries to leave without the authorities, like the police are informed and aid in it. (National Crime Victim Survey 1995) The reason why the society has not been able to rid the evil of abuse men or why they all are not behind bars is that most abusers are equipped with a dual personality that works for them. Most of them would act friendly towards the society and towards their family in public but abuse behind closed doors. They have low self-esteem and they are afraid to take responsibility of their actions. That is why many abusers, when confronted blame the victim for causing the violence by annoying them or not accepting orders A cycle of violence is now known by psychologists who work with abuse victims. Any type of emotional, physical or sexual abuse starts with an incident where the tension starts building up and the abusers starts to get angry. Once the man in control gets angry the abuse may start, and there is a no communication because the victim feels that the only way to avoid being abused is that the man in control should keep calm. This actually heightens the tension and the victim may feel like they are trapped. The second stage of the cycle comes when the abuser would try to make up for the violence that he showed. The important point to note here that is domestic abuse so the victim and the abuser are either married and they are children and families involved or they are in a relationship and children may or may not be involved but he would feel the need to make up for the time being. During this time the abuser may apologize for his behavior, sometimes they would go even as far as promising this would never happen again. In some cases, when confronted, the abuser might blame the victim for making him lose control. Then the third step of the domestic violence cycle is when the abuser is calm. He may act like he never did any wrong, and not abuse the victim. They are highs and lows of abuse to these kind of domestic violence. No violence might be subjected for weeks at a time and the abuser might even act lovingly towards the victim. This is an important factor in the victim’s life, and they might actually believe that the abuser will not subject them to beatings. Thus, many women, when given a chance will not leave them because every time the ‘calm’ period comes they hope that it might be an end to their miseries and they can live their happily ever after. However this is a cycle, and repeated abuse and making up keeps taking place. (Walker 1979) The bottom line of all abuse is that the man wants to feel in control and powerful. But sometimes they can go to extreme ends like even killing and torturing the women to death if they feel that their power is being questioned. The million dollar question still remains that why don’t women leave their abusive homes? The most heartbreaking reason is not that these women don’t want to leave, it is that they can’t. They have nowhere to go and no families of their own to turn too. Even though abuse is widespread in society, it is usually the less education and poor women who end up getting stuck with an abusive husband or boyfriend. When women have children and mouths to feeds, they don’t want to disrupt their children’s education by taking them out to shelters. They tend to give in and sacrifice for their children so the society accepts them and does not think that they are children that come from broken homes. If the woman does run away, the abuser will go looking for her in the obvious places like the homes of her parents and friends. Once she leaves and goes to find shelter in a house with family or friends, she not only puts her life in danger, but also threats the life of the family who agreed to help her out. That is why the location of shelters for battered women is not known to the general public so they can be safe there. Housing for the long term can be an issue too. Unless the women has a good job, because the abuser would certainly have gained control any bank accounts or saving, she cannot afford living on her own. Public housing in most places is very hard to come by especially in times of low economic growth and they are lists of people for years that apply for them. Usually these women are financially dependent on their husbands or boyfriends who abuse them but still bring home the money to pay the bills and food. Unless a woman has money of her own her options are very limited. The average American household needs two incomes to stay afloat financially. Then the financial cuts in welfare support and food stamps have made it even more difficult for the abused unprivileged women to leave their abusers. Once the benefits run out after a certain period, the women are usually found running back to the abusers for support and help. Finally the great problem is that the abusers tend to be very controlling individuals, they usually have known the victims for some time in which they can figure out how to emotionally torment them into staying with them. Most girls get involved in these relationships with older men, who first brainwash them into thinking that they cannot live without their man. He would then even threaten to leave and then abuse the victim. (Koch, Christy Ibibio.org) When the victim is battered for so long, they do feel an uncanny attachment and the emotional need for the person to be there with them despite the repercussions. Sometimes, they just don’t have the resources, while other times they just accept their fate. The most important step in getting help is to recognize that you are actually in an abusive relationship. It doesn’t have to start from the spouse hitting the woman or beating her up badly but it starts slowly, like yelling at her. A woman can find out early is she feels afraid of her partner and thus she doesn’t want to bring up anything that would make him angry. She may also feel emotionally numb while at the same time she would feel helpless about the situation. The worst situation comes when psychologically the victim has been abused to the point where she feels that she deserves to be beaten if she did anything wrong. Sometimes the victims delude themselves into thinking they are crazy. This is a case of something like the world witness if the children’s movie, Harry Potter where the house elf is enslaved by the family and if he does not obey orders he feels that he has been too punished because he did wrong. (Rowling 2003) The partners belittling behavior often starts with humiliating like throwing insults out at the victim. It may be to induce a control over her by telling her she’s good for nothing and nobody wants her and he is the only one who puts up with her. Then he may treat her so badly inducing an inferiority complex that she would be embarrassed to face her family and friends. In cases of physical abuse, insults may be thrown out at the victim in the presence of family and friends so they should start avoiding her company, letting him gain full control of her. They male abuser also can’t see any happiness in his victim since the happiness would give in a sense of hope for a better future. As long as the victim stays trapped in her own shell of misery chances are that she will be too miserable to make an effort to get out of the abuse. Violent behavior often starts with threat and another reason why women are ‘trapped’ in their vicious cycle of domestic violence is that he might have an unpredictable temper with highs and lows. The first thing they would do is to see who is close to him, and then he would threaten to harm the victim’s loved ones if she dares to disobey and leave. If the victim has children, then they become an easy target. He might take them away from the victim for long periods of time, denying any interaction to cause emotional torment. They are also careful to control the access to money, phones and cars. The men who abuse will constantly keep a check on the activities of their spouses and also limit their interaction with friends and family who will call and report the matter to the concerned authorities. People may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars but the scars that are left with emotional abuse can never be healed. They can crush a happy go lucky person to the extent that a faint smile may take a lot of effort. They can cause serious depression, feelings of worthlessness and can even lead to suicide. (Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service) Most domestic violence victims suffer from both, emotional and physical abuse. That is why most of them have their life spans cut very short due to misery. References Michigan State Police Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1.6 - 1.7 Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1 – 5 Commonwealth Fund, Health Concerns Across a Woman's Lifespan: the Commonwealth Fund 1998 Survey of Women's Health, 1999 Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1997 American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family, 1996 United States Department of Justice, National Crime Victim Survey, 1995 Walker, Lenore. The Battered Woman. New York: Harper and Row, 1979 Koch, Christy Ibibio.org Rowling, J.K Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, 2003 Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service Read More