Different Modes of Behaviour with People - Literature review Example

Session Application and Reflection 1. Session 4 a. Eye Contact Vision plays an important role in personal communication. According to Moore et. al. (1997), with the exception of some cultures, it is customary for most people to maintain eye contact. To turn away or focus on a distant object when addressing another person can be attributed to rudeness, shyness, or lack of interest. In the West, eye contact signifies honesty, directness, attentiveness, respect and a variety of other virtues that are the important ingredients of successful human communication. However, Koreans regard direct eye contact particularly between leaders and subordinate impolite and aggressiveness (Crandall 2007, p.231). “Communication occurs at different levels” (Howley and Franks 2007, p.340), and thus we should not always assume that what people say is what they mean. For instance, I asked a friend of mine last week about her mother’s health and she mumbles ‘she’s fine’ and looks away. Later, when I visited her house, I found out that her mother was very ill and was in a hospital since last week. This form of communication indicates that tone of voice, loudness or softness of speech, speed, and nonverbal can change the meaning of a statement. Howley and Franks (2007, p.340) explains that the meaning of the statement of a person who looks you in the eyes is different from a person who speaks softly while staring at other object. This is because eye contact is an important aspect of dealing with others thus maintaining eye contact demonstrates respect and interest in the topic at hand. In contrast, breaks in the eye contact can signal something distressing or uncomfortable (Crandall 2007, p.231). b. Self-Disclosure “Self-disclosures are the willingness to be open, make contact, and reach out with authenticity” (Wilson 2003, p.110). Self-disclosures by the therapist in traditional psychoanalysis are completely discourage as they are ‘counter transference temptation’ (Sue and Sue 2007, p.96) and believed to contaminate the client’s ability to access unconscious experiences. However, at present time, some relational psychodynamic therapist uses selective self-disclosure for feedback purposes. This is because of the increase likelihood that recipients of a self-disclosure input will respond by disclosing about themselves at a comparable level of intimacy (Derlega and Berg 1987, p.4). For instance, when I asked a fellow worker about her engagement ring, she reacted by asking why you want to know? Then I told her I never experienced having one. Then she started disclosing her experiences and I was encouraged to share mine. Disclosure reciprocity according to Derlega and Berg (1987, p.4) is the interpersonal effects of self-disclosure where receiving intimate disclosure increases trust in and liking for the discloser. The recipient is then expected to return intimate disclosure in order to demonstrate these feelings. c. Attending and Active Listening Skills “Active listening skills and relationship-oriented strategies provide a solid foundation for counselling” (Bayne et. al. 1998, p.8). The skills of paraphrasing involve simple reflection of the words spoken and what may be implied but not spoken. A 21-year-old woman told me that she has been thinking about what the doctor will going to do when he found out that she needed an operation. The simple reflection of words spoken in the first response can be particularly useful at the beginning of an interaction to check whether the listener understood the speaker correctly. In this case, the woman may be actually thinking about the operation and afraid whether it will be successful or not. Attending, listening and demonstrating empathy help patients tell their story (Gable 2007, p.44) thus I told the woman that she must see the doctor first as he knows exactly what to do. To clarify what she really feels about the possibility of an operation and to help her explore the advantages and disadvantages of a particular outcome, I asked her an open question. What if the doctor says you need an operation? What if you refuse? What do you think would be like? Responding in such a way made the woman feel she had been both heard and understood (Culley and Bond 2004, p.17). The listener must be able to attend, paraphrase, reflect, and respond to questions appropriately and constructively (Brown 1998, p.45). d. Silence in Conversation According to Pedersen and Ivey (1993, p.108), silence sometimes becomes an important means of communication. This is because a brief period of silence can mean respect and a sign that what had been said was being considered carefully. In the West, nonverbal attending skills such as eye contact and leaning forward slightly is interpreted as being both interested and attentive. While making a conversation with the woman I mentioned above, there were brief silences in between questions. I was also in many occasions halt briefly while balancing her statements. I was convinced that her silence and mine were signs of attentiveness and reflection. 2. Session 5 a. Inner Critic “The way a person relates to themselves is often an internalised version of how other have related to them, so the experiencing of relational depth with a therapist may lead a client to relate themselves ” (Means and Cooper 2005, p 49.) Some people have such a low self-esteem that they are never satisfied with their achievement, physical appearance, and performance. They have a relentless inner critic who constantly tears them down and robs them of any satisfaction they might temporarily feel when they have reached a goal (Engel 2006, p.10). I have tried to use the inner critic while typing this piece using only my left hand. I want to experiment and see how it is going to affect my feelings and performance. I was too slow and feel so awkward and getting really frustrated with my left hand. Moreover, I can feel my right hand itching to join but I would not let it. I can almost hear a voice saying ‘you are too slow; let me push the other keys’. This kind of writing forces me to slow down and study my self-judgement. The critic in me who wants everything to be fast and perfect certainly do not like this method and keep on insisting that I use both hands in the process. Over the week, the inner critic had been busy criticising. In one occasion, it had told me that I cannot handle my life correctly but my inner coach suppressed that and insisted on productive attitude. ‘You can handle this’ he said and I felt relieved. Just recently, my inner critic thinks I could not make a difference if I start my own business but my inner coach had given me the courage to say and think that I can make a difference in anything I do. While in a party the other night, my inner critic said that people would not like me. The inner coach assured me that it is all right when people do not like you at first because they will once they get to know you better. After a presentation last Friday, my inner critic was saying do I should not kid myself thinking that my presentation went well because the viewers were probably thing that I am a big loser. However, the voice of inner coach said that it was nonsense because my presentation went well as planned. I was well prepared and very relaxed as the audience was attentively listening. ‘It was a good presentation-feel proud!’ Finally, my inner critic acting line an alarm became hypersensitive to my failure and sometimes interprets challenges as threats. A while ago, while I was trying to straighten up things with an old friend over the phone, my inner critic whispered ‘Stop! It is worthless; it will only end up in tears!’ However, the wiser inner coach and a good friend have a different perspective. ‘You are older and wiser now and these things won’t bother you at all. In fact it will make you feel better’. Engaging the inner coach can help you learn to scale the wall. There are many ways to engage this coach. Try to imagine that you are talking to a good friend. You need to develop it consciously in yourself and copy how you yourself would speak to a good and trusted friend. You would be honest, loving, realistic, encouraging, and firmly on their side. Whenever your inner critic distracts you, engage the inner coach to rephrase the message into a more productive form. For instance, when the inner critic try to stop you because you are not good enough, be aware that you can choose to change this. Just like fear and resistance, you do not have to let these negative messages stop you (Hayden 2007. p12). Construct a fair and accurate response to each message your inner critic typically send and use your response whenever you notice it. If your inner critic warns that people will going to say no to you, you can respond by saying ‘Yes, that’s possible, but they also might say yes. I’ll never know until I ask’. Finally, if your inner critic says ‘Don’t do that, you might make a mistake, a good response will be ‘Yes I might, but I’ll learn from it and move on’. Learning to manage the inner critic is attainable if you are willing to try (Hayden 2007, p.12). 3. Stress Management “The effect of stress on health may be major and life-threatening, or merely annoying and inconvenient” (Cotton 1990, p.4). According to Linden (2005, p.7), stress is not in general preventable because that would mean avoiding life. Instead, the technique is to strike a balance between knowing what can be alter and developing skills to realize change, and knowing when to retreat, evade, or look for innovative, fresh solutions to life’s challenges. “People experience stress when they feel unable to cope with the demands of their environment, with other people, or with their own self-imposed pressures, or unrealistic expectations” (Flanagan 1990, p.1). I always wonder why I cannot do all things other people do and felt bad that I am not getting self-satisfaction. I feel tired and so overwhelmed that sometimes I cannot exercise my willpower completely. When I get home at the end of the day, I tend to cancel all my plans for the evening because I had a very stressful day and I want to rest. However, I felt guilty about it. In the morning, I woke up puffy and lacking energy and go to work exhausted. Again, I am having a stressful day like the day before. Stress cycle works in both directions, stress can cause low self-esteem, but low self-esteem can be a major contributor to our stress level (Adamson 2001, p.29). Moreover, the mounting stress level we are experiencing is the result of the imbalance between the rapid change in the actual nature of our jobs and our ability and training to deal with it (Allen 2003, p.5). Stress deviously undermines my self-esteem and I have to break the cycle. I need to have a strategy that would keep stress at acceptable levels to keep my career and life in balance. My strategy is to break the stress/self-esteem cycle by isolating things I can do, something that I can focus and finish. I would change the rules and prioritize my tasks. Individuals may choose to draw on behavioural modification, career psychotherapy, relaxation training or attendance at fitness or wellness programmes to alleviate their stress (Furnham 2005, p.374). However, according to Clegg (2000, p.3), the skill to make a steady approach to stress management that helps transform a person’ attitude to life without becoming an exasperating task is exceptionally interesting. First, I would take a reflection walk to proactively take control of my physical and mental state. A reflection walk can help me relieve my stress and makes me feel good about myself at the same time. Next, I would spend sometime gazing on the natural beauty of surroundings, the mountains, flower gardens, and other green sceneries that can positively change what I feel about my life. Since there so many things that I cannot seem to finish, I will do one thing all the way and complete it. This will give me the feeling of accomplishment and control over things around me. Finally, I will commit myself in managing my stress as self-esteem is about recognizing that a person is worth self-care. When stress comes again, it would not let it change me or reduced my worth. I am me and I am worthy of self-love. 4. Assertiveness “Assertiveness is about effective communication” (Bishop 2006, p.1). People who are assertive stand-up for themselves without hurting others. They have confidence, strong self-esteem, feel good of what they are and can say exactly what they want and think (Havelin 2000, p.6). In contrast passive people allow the wants, needs, and rights of other to be more important than theirs resulting to a ‘winlose’ situations and ultimately ends up being a victim rather than a winner. This kind of people tries to keep the real self-hidden with themselves (Doty 1987, p.169). Aggressive people on the other hand are more complex. They can be assertive or passive, and put their wants, needs, and rights above others (Lloyd 2001, p.9). This kind of behaviour is oftentimes unsuitable as it infringe the rights of others. Although they may get what they want in the short tem, “the long-term effects of aggressiveness are often negative” (Velasquez et. al. 2001, p.152). I often found myself losing my temper and justifying the inadequacies of my self-control by putting the blame on others. In addition, sometimes, I regret saying something that I should not. I think I am being aggressive, as I cannot handle a confrontation easily and satisfactorily. I think I am being passive when I am avoiding a discussion with someone else in case it became confrontational even it meant it would cost me in some way. Moreover, I sometimes hold back what I want to say because I am afraid it will going to hurt a friend. If I do, I would say it without much eye contact, in a quite, hesitant voice and with a lot of fidgeting. I noticed different people’s reaction whenever I changed my behavioural style. For instance, when I am communicating passively, people are not taking me seriously and they seem to ignore my viewpoint. Consequently, I suffered some form of self-generated stress and losing my self-esteem as people seems to disrespect me. However, whenever I am aggressive or being aggressive and passive at the same time, I can see people irritated and annoyed by my behaviour, they avoid me, and it seems I am achieving nothing. In contrast, I feel better when I am assertive, people seem to like and respect me. My confidence and self-esteem remain strong and I do not feel so much stress. While experimenting on different modes of behaviour with people I encounter everyday, I noticed that most of the time I am being annoyed and irritated by an aggressive behaviour and tend to avoid that person whenever possible. They are people who excessively look at me in the eye and speak in a superior and irritable manner. Similarly, I am losing interest on people who talks passively and cannot make eye contact. They seem like hiding something and lying on everything they say. I cannot make myself trust them, as they appear unbelievable and erratic. On the other hand, I really like people who are straightforward and clear about their goals and wishes. They are always seems in control of everything, rational, calm, with neutral tone of voice and good eye contact. 5. Bibliography Allen David, 2003, Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-free Productivity, Published by Penguin, U.S.A. Bayne Rowan, Nicolson, Paula, and Horton Ian, 1998, Counseling and Communication Skills for Medical and Health Practitioners, Published by Blackwell Publishing, U.S.A. Bishop Sue, 2006, Develop Your Assertiveness, Published by Kogan Page Publishers, U.K. Brown Nina, 1998, Psychoeducational Groups, Published by Taylor & Francis, U.K. Clegg Brian, 2000, Instant Stress Management: Bring Calm to Your Life Now, Published by Kogan Page Publishers, U.K. Crandall Doug, 2007, Leadership Lessons from West Point, Leader to Leader Institute, Published by Wiley, U.S.A. Cotton Dorothy, 1990, Stress Management: An Integrated Approach to Therapy, Published by Psychology Press, U.K. Derlega Valerian and Berg John, 1987, Self-disclosure: Theory, Research, and Therapy, Published by Springer, Germany Doty Leilani, 1987, Communication and Assertion Skills for Older Persons, Published by Taylor & Francis, U.K. Engel Beverly, 2006, Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame, Published by John Wiley and Sons, Singapore Flanagan Catherine, 1990, People and Change: An Introduction to Counseling and Stress Management, Published by Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, U.S. Furnham Adrian, 2005, The Psychology of Behaviour at Work: The Individual in the Organisation, Published by Psychology Press, U.K. Gable Judy, 2007, Counseling Skills for Dietitians, Published by Blackwell Publishing, U.K. Havelin Kate, 2000, Assertiveness: "How Can I Say What I Mean?” Published by Capstone Press, U.S. Hayden C. J., 2007, Get Clients Now!: A 28-day Marketing Program for Professionals, Consultants, and Coaches, Published by AMACOM Div American Mgmt Assn, 2007, U.S. Howley Edward and Franks Don, 2007, Fitness Professional's Handbook, Published by Human Kinetics, U.S.A. Linden Wolfgang, 2005, Stress Management: From Basic Science to Better Practice, Published by SAGE, U.K. Lloyd Sam, 2001, Developing Positive Assertiveness: Practical Techniques for Personal Success, Published by Thomson Crisp Learning, U.S.A. Mearns Dave and Cooper Mick, 2005, Working at Relational Depth in Counseling and Psychotherapy, Published by SAGE, U.K. Moore Elton, Graves William H., and Patterson Jeanne Boland, 1997, Foundations of Rehabilitation Counseling with Persons who are Blind Or Visually Impaired, Published by American Foundation for the Blind, U.S.A. Pedersen Paul, Pedersen Allen, Ivey, 1993, Culture-centered Counseling and Interviewing Skills: A Practical Guide, Published by Greenwood Publishing Group, U.K. Sue David and, Sue Diane, 2007, Foundations of Counseling and Psychotherapy: Evidence-Based Practices for a Diverse Society, Published by John Wiley and Sons, U.S.A. Velasquez Mary Marden, Maurer Gaylyn Gaddy, Crouch, Cathy, and DiClemente Carlo, 2001, Group Treatment for Substance Abuse: A Stages-of-change Therapy Manual, Published by Guilford Press, U.S. Wilson Rod, 2003, Counseling and Community: Using Church Relationships to Reinforce Counseling, Published by Regent College Publishing, Canada Read More