How Much Love Should Parents Give to their Child - Coursework Example

How Much Love Should Parents Give to their Child? A Research Paper of Parents who love their children too much have many personal issues of their own. Overparenting, or the tendency to go beyond ‘normal’ parenting, is a problem that should be understood by both parents and their children in order to change it. Parents who love too much excessively care for their children, always following them around and sorting out their mess. This form of parenting is damaging. It only makes the child too needy and too dependent on his/her parents. This essay argues that as much as possible, children should be encouraged to explore things on their own, play with friends, and do everything they want with sufficient, not excessive, supervision. Introduction It is the parents’ job to love their children, but it is not their job to love them too much and spoil them. Children should learn how to be independent; they should experience being hurt and committing mistakes. Overparenting usually brings about detrimental outcomes. An overprotected and overindulged child will eventually think that his/her parents love him/her too much because s/he is not capable of doing things on his/her own, or that s/he needs their supervision because otherwise s/he will be put at risk. In other words, overparenting becomes the contrary of the most essential task of parents—to cultivate a strong self-image and motivate independence. Jerome Kagan, a Harvard psychologist studying personality, has illustrated clearly that what produces restless children is parents lingering and sheltering them from traumatic or stressful situations (Sandas, 2010, 102). He discovered that babies who were born ‘excessively excitable’ have a tendency to deal more effectively with life, and display a more optimistic attitude, if their parents granted them the opportunity to think and act on their own (Sandas, 2010, 102). Infants and kids require continuous guidance and care, but they do not need persistent hovering (Mamen, 2005). This essay tries to answer the question, how much love should parents give to their child? Excessive Parental Love Too much love is described in several ways. Parents who love endow their children with warmth, care, attention, and quality time and adequately meet their physical, emotional, and mental needs. Parents who love excessively become entangled in the everyday activities and experiences of their children. Parents who love do everything they can to be the finest parents, while acknowledging that it is not possible to be perfect or immaculate (Clinton & Sibcy, 2012). Parents who love excessively overindulge, overprotect, and overparent their children in an attempt to drive out their worries over being exceptional parents, or to compensate for their own childhood adversity. Parents who love motivate self-sufficiency and development while laying out suitable limitations, hence creating a secure setting for their children to discover things on their own and cultivating their independence (Ehrensaft, 1997). Parents who love excessively dampen the autonomy of their children, try to manipulate and dominate their children’s way of thinking and behavior, and reflexively want to make their children a reflection of their greatest aspirations for themselves (Clinton & Sibcy, 2012). Parents who love recognize, understand, and appreciate their children’s weak and strong attributes. They create an accommodating environment where in self-worth and self-respect is cultivated. Parents who love excessively instinctively criticize their children who fail to meet their inflexible or, at times, unrealistic, expectations. They control their children for they fear that they will get hurt without their assistance (Nelsen & Erwin, 2000). Parents who love talk and relate with their children in an affectionate, sincere, and accepting manner, which consequently builds an environment of trust and wellbeing. Parents who love excessively usually generate anxiety, lack of confidence, and uncertainty by communicating and relating poorly with their children, attempting, reflexively, to acquire control or manipulate (Nelsen & Erwin, 2000). Parents who love thoughtfully and attentively pay attention to their children and provide for them in an effort to satisfy their material and emotional needs, while parents who love excessively instinctively provide for their children to satisfy their own unfulfilled aspirations and failed expectations, with little or no consideration for what their children really need and want. And, ultimately, parents who love cultivate the inner potentials and strengths of their children, while parents who love excessively are more focused on outside factors, and restlessly measure their children’s qualities in comparison to others (Ashner & Meyerson, 1997). Parents who love their children too much may be married or single. They may be wealthy or not. They may be career-oriented or full-time parents. The inclination toward overparenting is not determined by socioeconomic status. Overparenting is not essentially pampering or overindulging children, even though that can be a particular consequence (Ashner & Meyerson, 1997). It is an overwhelming emotional attachment and a desire to manipulate or control the child. It creates an intense and, at the same time, adverse parent-child relationship (Bowlby, 1988). At times overparenting is concentrated on a particular child. It could be the youngest or the eldest. Every so often it is the child who displays remarkable qualities and potentials, but it could also be the child who has a problematic behavior. Which child is favored is greatly influenced by the needs and expectations of the parents than those of the child. The love of parents builds the foundation of the child’s early sense of worth (Cloud & Townsend, 2009). With the absence of parents’ attention, appreciation, and affection, children will grow up with weak self-worth and self-confidence. It would hence appear commonsensical that the more love children get from their parents, the stronger their sense of worth. But, as the saying goes, ‘too much love kills’. Even the Bible disapproves of overparenting, overindulging, and overprotecting. It is stated in Psalm 103:13, “Just as a father has compassion on his children, So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him” (The Holy Bible, 2004, 180; Sharp, 2012, 54). The passage disapproves of harsh parenting, but it also disapproves of too much compassion. Parents, according to the Bible, should teach their children the ways of God. Parents should not overindulge on the material wellbeing of their children, but on their spiritual strength. This is confirmed in Proverbs 13:24: “He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently” (Sharp, 2012, 54; The Holy Bible, 2004, 317). True parental love, according to this verse, is all about disciplining the children. They should not be overprotected. They should be exposed to the real world, allowed to make mistakes and correct these mistakes by themselves. Children should be disciplined early on because there will come a time when it is too late for parents to correct their children’s mistakes and teach them to be ‘righteous’ individuals. Parents who love their children too much push them to ways of folly and even greater danger. When parents see their children as a reflection of themselves, trying to shape them into the likeness of their greatest desires and expectations; when they entangle themselves in the everyday lives of their children, protecting them from harm, and sorting out their troubles; when they endow them with too much attention; when they shoulder their burdens, their children acquire varied messages with varied outcomes (Clinton & Sibcy, 2012). According to Mamen (2005), children who are loved too much by their parents feel special, but they are not able to form their own individuality. They learn to follow other people, but they become doubtful of their own abilities and anxious to act on their own. They know how to get the attention of other people, but they do not have the ability to express unambiguous, definite messages, or to communicate openly with other people. They know how to appear ‘good’ in their interaction with other people, but they are very anxious to get intimate or build personal relationships. Children reach maturity with a specific form of behavior and a specific opinion about themselves. There are certain attributes which are distinctive of adult children who were loved too much by their parents. If a child was overwhelmed by too much attention or unrealistic expectations by his/her parents, the following outcomes may be observed. These children love their parents excessively. Children who have been loved too much by their parents have a tendency to see them as unhappy, discontented, perplexed, or weak (Ashner & Meyerson, 1997). There are times that parents feel unhappy. Apparently, they also commit mistakes. But they are not that needy or fragile. These are individuals who have survived the challenging realities of everyday existence. They are in fact experienced and strong. But their children see them as helpless, and try to shelter them from harm as much as they can. Enduring childhood is a challenging and tough task. At times the best intents of parents can weaken the strength they were trying to cultivate in their children. This is when parents and children require guidance in order to change (Ashner & Meyerson, 1997). Children who were overparented should discover why and how they were loved excessively in order to transform their current condition. Obesity, anorexia, and bulimia are widespread among individuals who were loved too much by their parents. This tendency to develop eating disorders arises from a habit of resorting to food to satisfy emotional cravings (Mamen, 2005; Nelsen & Erwin, 2000). When parents entangle themselves in the lives of their children, they grow up with an emotional weakness. These children’s boundaries are not valued. They never gain a true sense of independence. Too much attention and overprotection can become quite overwhelming and interfering that these children feel disrespected and wronged. At times the expectations of their parents become intolerable. Disregarded, with their genuine needs ignored, these children grow up with a tremendous longing to be heard, to be taken seriously, and to be confirmed (Nelsen & Erwin, 2000). Life becomes a manipulation to prevent the fear of being intimate with others or building personal relationships. They pacify their anxieties through emotional obsession with food. Food obsession is one way of gaining some sense of control over their lives and their overbearing parents. It can also be a way of building barriers or walls to protect themselves from harm and rejection. When these overparented individuals become obese, anorexic, or bulimic, they try hard to isolate themselves from society (Cloud & Townsend, 2009). Overparented children grow up with a mediocre life. Quite frequently, they interrupt or impair their own success. Their justification for the opportunities or risks they did not take is that ‘the higher you climb, the farther you fall’ (Ashner & Meyerson, 1997, 19). Their greatest worry is that if they become successful, other people will expect a follow-up and they will fail to achieve one. For individuals who grew up dealing with unrealistic parental expectations, the slimmest indication that they should achieve further becomes unbearable. If an individual was loved too much by his/her parents, s/he will be overly dependent on them. It would be easy for him/her to go back to the security and assurance that his/her parents can give him/her every time s/he encounters seemingly insurmountable challenges (Ashner & Meyerson, 1997). Success necessitates risk and independence, and these are not cultivated by overparenting. Overparented individuals are not risk-takers. Making decisions, even with regard to simple things, brings about fear and uncertainty in the individual who was overparented. The approval of other people is asked for, even when the most appropriate choice is apparent. Parents who love their children excessively in an effort to be ‘good’ parents have a tendency to lend a hand by making choices for their children (Ehrensaft, 1997). This excessive caring can be detrimental. When a child’s own attempts to make decisions for him/herself are incapacitated by his/her parents’ obsessive longing to supervise or guide him/her, s/he eventually feels that his/her own choices are incompetent. Overparented children never learn to rely on their own decision and insight. These children become very hesitant adults. They seek people who can save them by assuming responsibility for their choices. They usually look for a lifetime partner who will assume the role of their parents (Ehrensaft, 1997). As a result, according to Clinton and Sibcy (2012), they usually find themselves in a child’s position in their relationships as adults. Children who were loved too much by their parents have problems having fun or valuing their experiences. When children hold back their emotions and control their behavior, they often receive approval or praises from adults. Emotional flare-ups or fits of temper were intimidating or humiliating to parents. As adults, these overparented children become anxious of their emotions (Ashner & Meyerson, 1997). A feeling of unhappiness and a reluctance to have fun arises even in the most enjoyable moments. Life for them is not about fun. They have a tendency to live life rationally and seriously, scrutinizing themselves and other people (Mamen, 2005). Overindulged children develop intuitive feelings of ‘privilege’. Children who were loved excessively grow up with the feeling, usually subliminal, that they are deserving of only the best things in life. They received special treatment and substantial attention from their parents, and they eventually come to look for and anticipate it. When children are endowed with attention, material things, and privileges, they begin to believe and think that this is the way to live (Nelsen & Erwin, 2000). Overparented children easily get disappointed. As their disappointment increases, they seek relationships that will protect and care for them just like what their parents did for them. They may prefer an excessively caring lifetime partner to meet their needs. These imbalanced relationships usually become conflict-ridden and full of hatred (Nelsen & Erwin, 2000). Overparented children tend to be overly critical of themselves. They pound on themselves emotionally whenever they commit mistakes. Adults who were overindulged and overparented as children judge themselves severely. They feel that they are always being criticized. They feel that all their achievements prove nothing of themselves (Cloud & Townsend, 2009). As children, they are always the center of attention. They grow up thinking that the aspirations and fulfillment of their parents depend on them. They eventually develop an ‘inner critic’ (Ashner & Meyerson, 1997, 18-19). As adults, they believe that it is only through success or being perfect will they amount to something for their parents and other people. A flourishing inner critic, cultivated on adverse thinking, weakens their sense of worth, intensifies their frustrations, and forces them to turn away from opportunities and other people. Children who were loved too much by their parents encounter problems accomplishing plans. Children who were inundated by unreasonable parental expectations usually become ambitious adults with remarkable plans and goals that are never actualized. This is not unexpected. Overindulgent parents carried out their children’s tasks, sheltered them from arguments, provided them with employment, etc. It is understandable that as adults these overparented children believe that their problems or troubles will always be taken care for them (Mamen, 2005). They wait for something magical to make their dreams come true. Procrastination becomes their failure when they deeply accept that they could not achieve anything on their own and have to be constantly supervised. Nowadays, most people avoid obligation, rejection, and risk by seldom bringing to fruition what they had started (Clinton & Sibcy, 2012). Adults who were overparented as children always feel the need to be in control. Because they have an experience of being rigidly controlled or dominated by their parents, they usually become severely controlled in an attempt to keep away from other people. Overprotective parents do not allow their children to take risks. Consequently, these children can grow up feeling vulnerable, and thus they develop an intense need to feel in control (Clinton & Sibcy, 2012). Usually they wield their control in a submissive, held-back way. They recoil, reject, shun, or resist individuals who have power over them. Their suspicions and lack of trust are an indication of this. They find it difficult to work in a group; they are better off working independently, where they feel fully in control (Ehrensaft, 1997). The severe and controlling character they may take on gives them a semblance of strength and boldness, but also produces tension and detachment in their relationships. Trust is a difficult matter for children who were loved excessively. They either trust nobody, or turn out to be totally unsuspecting of the real intentions of other people, believing everything they hear until they are resentfully frustrated. The fundamental sense of trust is molded during childhood. Parents who are overprotective are commonly overwhelmed with fear about the security of their children (Ashner & Meyerson, 1997). Overprotective parents send the wrong message to their children. Their children will eventually feel that they cannot decide for themselves because they are incompetent. They will start to have doubts about other people because their parents overwhelmed them with warnings about the bad intentions of other people. This persistent feeling of anxiety and suspicion becomes embedded to the core of their individualities, remaining with them until they become full adults (Nelsen & Erwin, 2000). Overparented children feel that life is not fair. Children who were loved too much by their parents eventually find out that not all people will praise, admire, or have confidence in their abilities. Disillusionment and lack of confidence arise. When they discover that the world is not that accepting of their talents, they immediately feel that life is unfair. Moreover, these children have a persistent feeling of guilt, even though they are not responsible (Clinton & Sibcy, 2012). These children sooner or later understand that their parents will do everything to provide all the things they need and want. Many of these are material things. These children thus feel a deep sense of gratitude for their parents who love them too much. They believe that the only way to repay their parents’ love is to meet their expectations and never disappoint them (Mamen, 2005). They learn to keep away from thoughts and actions that would hurt their parents, and do things that would give pleasure to them and make them proud. When they fail to please their parents, they feel tremendous guilt. Adults who were loved too much as children usually become ‘pleasers’, or obsessed with ‘looking good’ (Ashner & Meyerson, 1997, 13). They determine their worth or value as an individual by how much appreciation or approval they get from their parents. Their sense of worth became reliant on the approval and admiration of their parents. As a result, these children grow up with a weak self-image. They are always seeking the approval of other people, and this brings about adverse outcomes (Ashner & Meyerson, 1997). Most people in fact do not care, and so rejections will keep on disappointing an overparented individual. Conclusions Children who are successfully parented are well guided, well supervised, and well loved; their abilities and aspirations are well built; they have a strong sense of worth; and they are aware of their parents’ expectations of them. Overparenting, on the other hand, is basically wielding too much attention to the point of negatively affecting the child. The desire to parent perfectly can lead overzealous parents to excessive behaviors, usually inciting a severe response from their children. Hence, it is generally advisable for parents to regulate their attention and concern and control their efforts. The point is basically this: overparenting is damaging. Parents cannot apply too much pressure on their own parenting efforts without pressuring their children as well. Parents are the role models of their children. Children instinctively copy the behavior and frame of thinking of their parents, in quest of approval. So how much love should parents give to their children? Parents should love their children in a way that does not compromise their children’s future. The kind of people these children will grow up into is largely determined by the amount of love they have received during early childhood. As discussed, overparenting has numerous adverse and permanent consequences. Parents should make sure that they are cultivating independence, trust, and sense of worth in their children. References Ashner, L. & Meyerson, M. (1997). When Parents Love Too Much: Freeing Parents and Children to Live their Own Lives. Minnesota: Hazelden Publishing. Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. New York: Basic Books. Clinton, T. & Sibcy, G. (2012). Loving your Child Too Much: How to Keep a Close Relationship with Your Child Without Overindulging, Overprotecting or Overcontrolling. Wheaton, Illinois: Thomas Nelson Inc. Cloud, H. & Townsend, J. (2009). Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, How to Say No. New York: Zondervan. Ehrensaft, D. (1997). Spoiling Childhood: How Well-Meaning Parents are Giving Children Too Much- But Not What They Need. New York: Guilford Press. Hendrickson Publishers (2004). The Holy Bible: King James Version. Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers. Mamen, M. (2005). The Pampered Child Syndrome: How to Recognize it, How to Manage it, and How to Avoid it? A Guide for Parents and Professionals. UK: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. Nelsen, J. & Erwin, C. (2000). Parents who Love Too Much: How Good Parents can Learn to Love More Wisely and Develop Children of Character. New York: Prima. Sandas, I. (2010). The Everything Parent’s Guide to Children with Anxiety: Professional advice to help your child feel confident, happy, and secure. Avon, MA: Adams Media. Sharp, A. (2012). Everything the Bible Says about Parenting and Children. Bloomington, Minnesota. Read More