Relationship Existence - Essay Example

Psychology Article Critique - Can A Relationship Exist If There Is Intense Personality Attraction But Without Physical Attraction? Critique It is a general expectation that any advice should be geared to pointing out critical aspects that help one make a critical decision. As a start, advice should not be a condemnation but is should also not be a roll coaster. It should be oriented to the problem and as such help explain the rationale in cases where it builds a conclusion. People generally have ideas on how things should work even in cases where they seek advice. It is thus important that the initial step be not about disapproving their thoughts but explaining why taking the root leads to err. This can later be confounded by an actual reason or proper course of action in the adviser’s mind. It is not easy to spot this rationale in the provided advice. Besides, the adviser is too technical in delivering advice, notably; the bottom line in issuing advice is that it should be actionable. This cannot be the case if it is not understood. All the same, these are technical aspects about issuing advice that appear absent in the column. In regard to actual advice, there seems to be a clear gap. The question posed is on physical and mental attraction not exactly on how to move on after the physical/sexual adventure which was unintended. It is my opinion that the advisor should have taken more time to explain the essence and the fundamentals of a relationship. At best, the individual seeking advice appears confused which is expected when one takes such a step, albeit unintentionally, with a friend whom he did not consider exactly attractive, physically (Reis & Rusbult, 2004). It is expected that if he would have been sober what happened could not have transpired. In this regard, the advisor appears to base the advice on occurrence of a conscious deed which in this case is not valid. On the other hand, the man feels obliged to push on with a relationship based not on his feeling for the lady but based on the sexual encounter. It is clear that sexual activity plays a crucial role in relationships but it should not be used in isolation to determine the direction of a relationship. It is misconstrued to base a relationship on a momentary act. Given this, it is expected that the forthcoming advice would focus more on defining the prerequisite to a relationship. It should not try to validate why a sexual engagement should be used as a basis of determining the continuity of a serious relationship. In another observation, it is clear that following the engagement the two people involved should open communication channels. However, these should not be overemphasized at the expense of personal evaluation (Page, 2014). The advisor appears to ignore why a self evaluation is important in determining the direction the relationship should take. This is expected to lead to another emotional as opposed to an objective approach in determining whether the two are suited for a long-term relationship (Reis & Rusbult, 2004). However, this appears to accrue from the fact that he missed to describe the fundamentals of a successful relationship. There is a feeling that if more effort was concentrated in describing what enables friends determine their compatibility the advice would have been more valid. However, the approach taken appears to confound or validate the sexual encounter. As mentioned, advice should not condemn, but it should not also mask the truth. Therefore, it is important that the advisor abstains from creating a feel good feeling and instead focuses in helping the man focus on the right thing. In this case, the right thing is evaluating whether he has achieved the right levels of physical and mental attraction to start and sustain a relationship. Advice Based on personal views and experience the basic advice for those seeking to start relationships is “chemistry”. To different people, chemistry has variable connotations but it often tries to sum up a set of attractions as a way of judging the likelihood of a relationship to succeed or fail. In essence, chemistry refers to physical, mental and emotional attraction to a person (Lapointe, 2013). From this definition, we gather that chemistry is not exactly about one attribute but a package that ranges from how one looks, how they talk and how they think amongst other numerous aspects. This often supports the idea that one can invariably decide on the success of a relationship based on the initial attractions. All the same, this should not be taken to mean that chemistry cannot grow; however, there is an actual chance that it might not. In this case, it is important to evaluate the difference between having a good friend and being in a relationship beyond the sexual bit. Apparently, one can continually engage with a person socially, they can watch movies together, visit places together and do almost everything together, but the chemistry part is what allows a shift to the next level, creates the spark (The thinking asexual). The urge and need to have your partner close to you. This is essential in not only helping a relationship in terms of physical relations but is considered a prerequisite in overcoming difficult situations, temptations and different challenges that are bound to come along in life. Therefore, it becomes vitally important to establish whether in deed there is chemistry after a first date. In cases where there is no actual dating it is proper to look at the mutual feelings and test these for physical, emotional and mental attraction. As discussed, these attractions define chemistry, if any one of them is missing then chemistry might not be there and this increases the chance of a relationship failure. As part of this discussion, it is critical that we understand the meaning of physical attraction. This is largely conceivable and very much the reason why we have such phrases such as “beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder”. Such seeks to describe the variability of preference, irrespective of the variability, it is very important that this be the basis of any relationship. It is less likely to engage at a higher level if you have reservations on the person beside you. The thought that those you seek to start a relationship with are not as beautiful may affect your approach and willingness to engage further. As Lapointe (2003) points out, you need physical as well as mental attraction in order to sustain a healthy relationship. Undoubtedly, it is possible to starts a relationship without these levels of attractions; however, there is doubt on the sustainability of such. Notably, it is expected that the start of a relationship is a flagship for commitment which brings in the aspect of longevity (Napoleon, 2003). Otherwise, there would be no need for relationship scientists, or investments in relationships if they were all short-term oriented. Given this, it becomes vital that we all focus on factors that allows for a long and stable relationship. It is such orientation that calls for the presence of both physical and mental attraction. Critically, if you meet a dazzling lady or a handsome man who turns you on then it is clear that the physical attraction is present. However, once you head home and switch off the lights or talk to them over the phone, the beauty is gone and it becomes much more important to be tuned on mentally (Fletcher, 2002). It becomes utterly frustrating if these people cannot turn you on mentally, clearly, the physical attraction kicks off the relationship, but this can only work for so long. It becomes vital to have the mental attraction as well. In this regard, the mental attraction is the flip side in a relationship, a healthy relationship for that matter (Laws of Attraction). A good gauge for mental attraction is the level at which both of you can sustain a conversation, is the interest there, do they take an effort to understand the on goings in your life? Are they interested in knowing more about you such as family, your hobbies and the like? In a situation where mental attraction exists, these conversations makes one feel uplifted (Fletcher et al 2013). They make you better and allow you to learn further, in summary they put you at a level above what you were before meeting them. Based on these observations, it is critical that we understand that physical attraction does not necessarily herald mental attraction. They are both independent as they engage different sections of our mind. However, it should be completely clear that they are both a prerequisite to a long-term, healthy and stable relationship. As advice, it is possible to feel a strong physical attraction towards a person without necessarily engaging them at the right or desired level of mental attraction, the opposite is also possible, where mental attraction exists without the required level of physical attraction. The latter is particularly common in friendships. However, it is not advisable that one should get into a relationship if both physical and mental attraction is not in play. It is also important to mention that drunken sex, or sex for that matter, is not a determinant of either of the feelings as these either become apparent on meeting or grow with time. Sex is momentary and not necessarily a gauge of either of these attractions particularly mental attraction. References Fletcher, G. J. O. (2002). The new science of intimate relationships. Malden, Mass: Blackwell. Fletcher, G. J. O., Simpson, J. A., Campbell, L., & Overall, N. C. (2013). The science of intimate relationships. Chichester, West Sussex: Wiley-Blackwell. Lapointe, R. (2013). Internet Dating & How to Make This Experience More Enjoyable and Successful. New York: eBookIt.com. Laws of Attraction. (2014). Laws of Attraction-Mental attraction. Retrieved March 23, 2014, from Laws of attraction: http://www.lawsofattraction.com/psychology/mental-attraction/ Napoleon, A. (2003). Awakening beauty: An illustrated look at mankinds love and hatred of beauty. College Station, TX: Virtualbookworm.com Pub. Page, K. (2014). Finding Love-How to Develop Sexual and Romantic Attraction to People Who Are Good for You. Retrieved April 23, 2014, from Finding Love: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-love/201205/how-develop-sexual-and-romantic-attraction-people-who-are-good-you Reis, H.T. & Rusbult, C.E. (2004). Close Relationships: Key Readings. New York: Psychology Press. The thinking asexual. (2014). Identity, Attraction, Relationship Terms. Retrieved March 23, 2014, from The thinking asexual: http://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/identity-attraction-relationship-terms/ Read More