Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder - Essay Example

Running head: ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER Option 3: A Literature Review with a Difference – Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder Shirley Soh Zi Yan James Cook University “Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.” -Thomas Fuller - Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Why? For the “absence” is referring to a person we love cherish. The Roman poet Sextus Propertius was first to say this, as was written in his work Elegies: “Always toward absent lovers love’s tide stronger flows.” This sweet proverb was later repeated by an unknown English poet in the year 1602. The proverb pondered only in the 19th when Thomas Haynes Bayly’s song The Isle of Beauty was published in 1850. The line wherein the proverb was sung was: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder, Isle of Beauty, Fare thee well!” (Martin, 2007). First way to know whether the proverb is really true is to put ourselves in a situation where we will pretend that the one person we love most is far away from us. I theorize that the saying is true because based on my own experience, I feel very lonely when I miss my guy so much, when many days pass without us seeing each other. My anticipation of seeing my love again, gives me much happiness and excitement. Love is sweet when two lovers are together, walking hand in hand, sharing stories, feeling each other’s hugs and kisses, but when they are away, and thinking about those sweet and romantic moments almost make them crazy, crazy in the sense that they will do anything, everything just to be in the company of their loves again. Going back to my theory, the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” means that “love can stand the test of time.” It feels very sad for two people in love when the time to say goodbye comes. They will have to let go of each other’s hands, break free from the tight embrace, and go their separate ways with a kiss. The saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” starts with another saying, which is “parting is such sweet sorrow,” because one will only feel the absence of someone she loves when they part ways. Yes they will say their goodbyes and be lonely for a while, but the thought of again seeing each other is what they are thinking of. Lovers are always like that. The absence of the person I love most will only make me miss him more. People who love by heart know that. Moreover, the greatest opposite of being with your love is being far away from him, of course. But what distinguishes these two dimensions of love is the feeling residing in the faraway hearts is their feelings. When I am with my love and holding him close to me, all I could do is to cherish the seconds I am in his arms, because those moments are the ones that will be forever remembered, especially, when he is not around and I am missing him badly. And when I am feeling sad because I miss him, all I would do is close my eyes and reminisce. Those thoughts will serve as strength in the time of waiting for the time of being together again. This saying not only applies to two persons in love, but it can also be true with a person missing someone important besides his significant one, or it can also be applied to a person feeling the “absence of a place, of an event or even things.” (Hirsch, Joseph, & James, 2002). But of course, the greatest of the three is the fond heart that misses a person, for loving a person and being loved back by the person is the greatest feeling in the world. Missing someone could not happen when she is always with her love, and that means, for their bond to get stronger and her love gets even more intense, because it is waiting to come out and be showered upon a loved one. “Separation makes love even more intense” (Answers.com, 2002) that it normally is, distance triggers the want in two persons to be in each other. But much-prolonged absence can mean something else. It can lead to the loss of hope, excitement and the disappearance of anticipation. I once received a text message on my mobile phone; the quote goes like this, “Always make your absence felt, for someone to miss you. But not too long, because if you’re gone for too long, your love may be able to learn to live without you.” Great quote, is not it? As I have mentioned the sayings which are the meaning and the beginning of the “absence…” saying, the last I mentioned about prolonged absence is the irony of it. Too long absence can have many disadvantages, in such a way as the anticipation to see someone turns into being used not seeing that someone, or worse, a relationship with someone else could develop. This can be supported by the infamous proverb, “Absence makes the heart wander.” A relationship with someone nearer, someone who fills up the place of the love who is far away and not in sight. But then again, love defies all, love also means sacrificing for someone you really care for. And again, love is the bottom line. Two persons in love with each other find the saying very true and can relate to it very deeply. However, there are some things that this saying can not control. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder but some people believe in things such as fate and destiny. They argue that even the greatest love can not defy the power of destiny, that if two people are really meant to be, even if the most impossible odds come between them, they will end up together and still be happy in the end. Yes love is powerful, but even if two people do all things necessary to keep their love alive, there exists a thing called fate. But then again, we can never know. Let’s picture two lovers who are very much in love. If they are made to know that they will be separated from each other, they will surely be saddened and make promises to each other that they will wait for the time when they can be together again. The test of love will then take place, the test of their love for each other, the tolerance of sacrifice and the will to face each day waiting for the day they dream of, the day of their reunion. If their love is really filled with devotion and loyalty, they will wait patiently for that day, for true love can not be hindered by distance, but by fate and destiny only. I love him really if his absence takes away something from me. But different people have different insights. Certain people are likely to be “out of sight, out of mind” towards the ones they love. On the other hand, the people who reasoned that yes they believe in what the saying expresses, they have a broad view on love, loving and life. I conclude so because they seem ready for the time when they will be away their love. But this does not mean that they want their loves to be away just to feel their worth, but rather, they really know what love is and they are not selfish people. What I meant when I used the word “selfish” was thought of one’s self alone. An example of this is what if my boyfriend would be away for a month because of something very important and urgent and I could not go along with him? Will I consider that moment the end of our relationship? Will I just waste our years of being together for just a month of separation? Of course no! In a relationship full of love, understanding and trust come next. True love is selfless; understanding is always present cemented with trust. This just goes to show that the people who believe in the saying are more understanding, more thoughtful, more selfless and they love truly, because the know the consequences of loving. According to Brantley (2002), “being away from each other enhances the ability of the two lovers to have their own identity, because contrary to the fact that being together always is healthy, that makes two persons in love lose their identities, and both of them should be able to stand on their own feet.” Moreover, being away helps in defining one’s self again, and absence makes the heart even more focused, more understanding and purer than it has previously been. It is very healthy to have couples practice spending a little time separated, because it keeps the balance in the relationship and the love of one’s self is never neglected, and more importantly, the love for the partner grows even more. Distance could make a relationship even stronger. According to Connecticut-based psychotherapist Vesta Callender, the saying will prove to be very right if the relationship has the foundation of “depth, strength and breadth.” (Brantley, 2002). But she added that the personalities in the relationship determines if the proverb will proved to be right, "Some personality types tend to be constant and to cultivate lasting relationships," she describes. This type of person would "yearn for the absent party, reminisce about the past, have glowing memories of times spent together and look forward to the future.” (Brantley, 2002). Those are the important elements to make the heart fonder and more eager for reunion. Nonetheless, this saying needs further proof. A “recent research of 438 undergraduates at a large US university were asked to fill out a 25-item questionnaire regarding long-distance relationships, and the respondents, a bit over 40 percent of them agreed to the reality of the adage, “out of sight, out of mind.” (Brantley, 2002). Half of the 40 percent stated that their relationship ended because of the separation while the other half said that the distance worsened their relationship. An exploratory case study was utilized in this, wherein a group of respondents in the same circle was asked about their stands concerning the infallibility of the saying. According to Brantley (2002), the country music singer Kenny Rogers does not believe in that saying, because his two previous marriages ended in divorces because he could not find time for his wife because he was always on tour; the two divorces taught him a lesson and before marrying his third wife, they had agreed that she should always come along with him whenever he is on tour. The study is also an explorative case study, focusing on just one person (who happens to be Kenny Rogers) regarding his stand and viewpoint. As with the previous study conducted with the students, he too, finds the saying as untrue for his absence cost him two failed marriages. The previous pages have shown the good sides and the bad sides of the saying. The good side being the growth of love and the bad side is the gradual erosion of love and anticipation. The study that was done was just a deliberation, debate on whether the saying was really true. It is really difficult to judge on what is true or only partially true. It is even more difficult to determine the kinds of personalities the one who believe have. What I mean is that the saying could not be presumed correct or true, and the saying always will depend upon the situation and the relationship, the stability or frailty of it. It is the situation, past and circumstances which will dispute if the saying is worth believing in or otherwise. The people involved and those who believe and who do not believe determine the truthfulness of the famous saying. There are so many factors to be considered in concluding. One such factor is the capacity of a person to love another person, his outlook and viewpoint on things about love and life. What I would like to point out is, how could someone not believe in the saying when he is yet to enter a relationship? And the question follows: How can one not believe in the saying when he is married? How can he not feel the love’s absence and the loneliness that it brings? These questions will forever linger around the proverb. This will therefore bring us to the other side of the fence. The side where the saying will be absolutely refuted. Yes, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” There is the other side, “absence makes the heart colder” or “absence makes the heart lonelier.” (Colwell, 2007). Yes, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is true. At a certain point in all our lives, we have entered into a relationship that is almost like a fairy-tale, like a romantic movie, like a story made in heaven. But somewhere along the way of the relationship, our endurance was tested, and without us knowing it, we have to be apart from that person whom we have learned fully how to love. Maybe we stayed far too long and so he expected that you are not coming back anymore, and therefore he put away the remembrances and because of the thought, he “deleted your email, phone number and all other things that remind him of you.” (Colwell, 2007). And then as things within you and around you gets better, you try to reconnect with the person who was the most affected during your absence and you never had any success in it because the person you left while you two were still very much in love happened to fall out of love because of the time and the distance that separated you and him. And what is most painful of all is that the place in his heart that you once occupied is now occupied by another. The things that were when you left for a while have changed a lot. Nothing is more painful and lonely than a love that was lost because of unexpected twist of events. The effects might be traumatic, and for some, this takes a lifetime of healing. “In the midst of it all, the things that you hold on to are only the memories of the love you once had, the girl/boy you once loved and the thought that it might never happen again.” (Colwell, 2007). Whoever he was, you will reminisce on how it used to be, and also think on what would have been and what could have been. We have to be real honest with ourselves for us not to feel any kind of regret in loving a person. In love, one has to be very sure that that person loves her just as much and his understanding of love is in the same degree. In spite of the refutations, the bottom line is “is there love?” The situations have been analyzed and enumerated, and one final conclusion is at hand. The proverb “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is true indeed, despite all conditions. The real reason behind this conclusion is the factor of love. One could not feel her heart grow fonder over her missing of someone if she really does not care for that person. And one could only feel contempt over her missing of someone if she lacks understanding of the word “love.” All of the elements surrounding the saying deals with love, the most ultimate of all human relationships. It is true that hearts also give up on waiting and also are subject to temptations and loneliness, but if the deepest meaning of love is what resides inside the hearts and minds of people, absence will never be seen as a lonely thing, but rather an exciting thing that lovers must understand and must overcome. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Sounds good, but to make better my stand, I want to add to add to that, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder if real love resides in the hearts of the lovers.” It is true. This saying is true when mutual and unconditional love resides in the hearts and is blended with understanding. Two lovers may be separated physically, but they are hand-in-hand in thought and in spirit, with the belief that once they see each other again, everything will be much, much sweeter and the absence will only make their relationship stronger. Separation is only a test. As the studies were balanced previously, it came out that although they refute the truthfulness of the saying in two cases, the deliberation had shown that the saying is very deep and in spite of what the findings implicate regarding the disadvantages of being away, the saying is true, by all means. The weakness of the 1st case was that the respondents were students and it is suffice to know that they are not yet involved in very serious relationships. As with Kenny Rogers, it was an entirely different case. His first 2 wives just did not understand his job, and it can also be assumed that they refute the saying, just like him. Summarily, nothing is more powerful than a heart that has grown fonder because of the absence of a love. I will set myself as an example, whenever I am away from my love, this feeling inside me, the hunger for him, the flowing love for him, grows by the minute, and I will do almost do anything just to have a glimpse of him, to tell him how my love had even grown more, because of the time we were apart. YES! Absence makes the heart grow fonder, beat faster and feel the love deeper. References: Answers Corporation. (2000). Absence makes the heart grow fonder: Information from Answers.com. Retrieved May 22, 2007, from http://www.answers.com/topic/absence-makes the-heart-grow-fonder Answerbag, valiant upstart of. (2003). If absence makes the heart grow fonder, then is the phrase out... . Retrieved May 22, 2007, from http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/69315 Colwell, D. J. (2000). Original Poetry: I Used to Be « The StrUHTrix Reloaded. Retrieved May 22, 2007, from http://struhtblog.wordpress.com/2007/04/12/original-poetry-i-used-tobe/ (n.d.). GoEnglish.com Idioms = Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder = Todays English Idioms. Retrieved May 22, 2007, from http://www.goenglish.com/AbsenceMakesTheHeartGrowFonder.asp (n.d.). If absence makes the heart grow fonder then why do people say out... - Blurtit. Retrieved May 22, 2007, from http://www.blurtit.com/q300877.html Hirsch, E. D., Joseph, F. K., & James, T. (2002). Absence makes the heart grow fonder. The New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition. 2002. Retrieved May 22, 2007, from http://www.bartleby.com/59/3/absencemakes.html Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd. (2000). "Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder" Cliche Bullshit, or fact? [Archive] - Tilted Forum Project. Retrieved May 22, 2007, from http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/archive/index.php/t-77361.html Jet. (1998, January 12). Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?. Retrieved May 23, 2007, from http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1355/is_n7_v93/ai_20136005 Jet. (2002, May 6). Does absence make the heart grow fonder? - Lifestyles - Brief Article. Retrieved May 23, 2007, from http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1355/is_20_101/ai_86048031 Martin, G. (n.d.). Retrieved May 22, 2007, from http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/absence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder.html Partners. (2006). Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder?. Retrieved May 22, 2007, from http://magazine.mary.com/read~article-absence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder~a-82.html Robot Co-op. (2004). Find out if absence makes the heart grow fonder. on 43 Things. Retrieved May 22, 2007, from http://www.43things.com/things/view/937717 ThinkGeek, Inc. (2000): ThinkGeek::Stuff for Smart Masses. Retrieved May 22, 2007, http:://www.thinkgeek.com Read More