Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Marriage - Research Paper Example

 Adult ADHD Adult ADHD The mere ability to understand what Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is as well as its diagnosis and effects on adult life is not enough, especially for couples. Couples should also be able to understand how to cope with, appreciate, love, and support their partners suffering from ADHD. The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understanding and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps by Melissa Orlov is one important book that offers this kind of helpful information. The book gives an account of Melissa’s personal experience with ADHD and how it affected her marriage. She describes (2010) how she and her husband George said “no” to the usual way of dealing with an ADHD affected marriage and, instead, they said “why not choose love?” She also gives an account of how they both undertook the arduous, painstaking task of rebuilding their relationship, something that many couples in similar marriages have written off as a “lost cause.” Out of this experience, the author develops a guide that can be used by couples in marriages that are troubled by ADHD to be able to appreciate and understand their partners as they both go through the struggles and triumphs of their ADHD-affected relationship. The book encourages couples to become active partners in enhancing the quality of their relationship and healing the cracks that ADHD can cause. The purpose of this study is to find ways through which couples can be helped to look at ADHD in a more positive and constructive and less disruptive way. This study will form the basis of advice for couples living with an ADHD partner given that traditional marriage counselling often dismisses or ignores the influence ADHD has on marriage and its contribution to the divorce or separation. How to Deal with the Effects of ADHD on Marriage With the appropriate support and information, couples living in a marriage affected by ADHD can be able to turn lost love into a love which is by far better than the love they have lost. In this relation, such information can be a tool for helping such couples realise that they are never a problem or “lazy, stupid, or crazy” as Kellly (1993) explains. To achieve this, there is a need for both partners, especially the one who is non-ADHD, to understand well the symptoms of ADHD. There is also a need for an ADHD partner to understand his or her partner to avoid igniting responses that will worsen the situation. If this is not so, the partner who is not suffering could misinterpret an ADHD partner, and, consequently, fail to treat him or her properly. Kelly (1993) explains that an ADHD partner who is not treated properly can appear to be uncaring to his or her partner and preoccupied with things that divert attention from spouse, home, and family. A non-ADHD person will then react to this by feeling unloved, which will result to further misunderstanding. Comparing this with times of passionate courtship, both partners are tormented with the question of “what went wrong?” Also, an ADHD partner could be overwhelmed with feelings of guilt whenever he or she thinks of himself of herself as the cause of problems in the marriage. This scenario makes it harder for a couple to make steps towards the healing of their marriage. These ideas are in agreement with the ideas of Orlov (2010) who blames not only the ADHD for making things difficult in the marriage but also those partners who react inadequately to the actions of each other. That is how a non-ADHD person reacts to the behaviours of an ADHD person and how an ADHD partner in turn reacts to these responses. Proper information as provided by counsellors and authors of books dealing with the topic is thus very important in helping the couples to stop shifting the blame to themselves and considering their partners as lazy, stupid, or crazy. Instead, they will be able to cooperate with each other to make things work out in their marriage once again. There is no doubt that by following the six steps outlined by Orlov (2010), a couple in a similar marriage will be able to make a heroic achievement worth recognition and celebration just like Melissa and George. They will be able to deal with the intimacy and memory problems, sudden anger, and nagging behaviours that have crept into their marriage and are threatening to cripple it. As a foundation to finding a solution that works for their unique relationship, couples in a relationship affected by ADHD should first be helped to deal with difficult conversations and improve their communication skills. This will open up discussions that will be helpful in mending together and reassembling their hearts, feelings, goals, and values that had been thorn and broken apart by ADHD. Halverstadt (1998) explains that ADHD can damage romantic relationships if the two parties do not know or do not take time to address it. Proper and open communications are, therefore, important in ensuring that both parties are able to express themselves fully and thus give room for understanding and forgiveness. This will reduce the fights and increase the times that the two listen to each other. Most importantly, proper communication allows for the understanding of the behaviour of a non-ADHD partner, and, in this way, both partners will feel validated and have empathy for each other. In effect, these will enable the couple to build and sustain a more fulfilling and satisfying relationship despite the presence of ADHD. This concurs with the experience of Melissa Orlov and her husband George. In her book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understanding and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps, Orlov (2010) vividly describes how they put together, piece by piece, the hearts that had broken apart and the edifice that had fallen apart and reassembled what they had smashed down. She says that “day after day, week after week, month after month, they did the seemingly impossible work of forgiving, understanding, connecting and reigniting the true and love honest.” Such an approach to a marriage nightmare is a proof that, with the correct information and communication, it is always possible for couples to look at ADHD in a more positive, constructive, and less disruptive way. On the same note, lack of clear helpful information on ADHD and communication will just serve to worsen the situation and even result in separation or divorce. Conclusion Almost all marriages begin as a huge celebrations and every couple is very hopeful, dreaming of a happy life together “till death do us part.” However, the road to a happy marriage life is far from easy, and the current divorce statistics prove that many couples quit the journey for one reason or the other, including the inability to cope with each other. ADHD can cause some of these most stressful conditions in marriage. However, it is possible for couples to use such moments to give their marriage a better flavour than to use it as a ground reason for divorce or separation. First, couples whose marriage is affected by ADHD should be able to overcome their communication problems so that they can come up with their way of struggling against ADHD in their own relationship. Avoiding building resentment and bitterness in their hearts is also important. This study points to the importance of both partners being active in healing the wounds inflicted on them by ADHD, of being the most understanding and strongest supporters and closest friends to their ADHD partners. This study rubberstamps the statement that the mere ability to understand ADHD and its diagnosis and effects on adults is not enough. Instead, couples should be able to understand how to cope with, appreciate, love, and support their partners suffering from ADHD. It is, therefore, important that couples are helped to know how to look at ADHD in a more positive, constructive, and less disruptive way. References Halverstadt, J. (1998). ADD & Romance: Finding Fulfillment in Love, Sex, & Relationships. Dallas, TX: Taylor publishing. Kelly, K., & Ramundo, P. (1993). You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?! Cincinnati: Tyrell & Jerem Press. Orlov, M. (2010). The ADHD Effect on Marriage: understanding and rebuild your relationship in six steps. New York: Specialty Press. Read More