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Your Asperger's Syndrome Child Making Friends and Dealing with Loneliness Children with Asperger's Syndrome often feel less motivated to make friends, and then, when they do make friends, the quality of those friendships is lower than for most children. The friendships they form are often peppered with betrayals and misunderstandings, which often causes them not to seek out new friends after a lost friendship. However, they still feel the effects of loneliness like other children, which can lead to isolation and depression.
Forming positive friendships can help your Asperger's Syndrome child to build a sense of positive self-worth and emotional security (Whitehouse et al., 2009). Here are some tips to help you encourage your Asperger's Syndrome child to make solid, lasting friendships: 1) Help your child to understand the concept of a friendship. Children with Asperger's Syndrome may have difficulty thinking of others in terms of compatible personalities and shared emotions, but instead focus their ideas of “friends” on those people they spend the most time around without conflict (Whitehouse et al., 2009). Sit down with your child and talk about friends and friendship.
Ask them to tell you who their friends are, who they'd like to be friends with, and why. Try to explain what other children expect to get out of a friendship (ie., companionship, support, sharing of emotions, etc.) and how to provide those things. 2) Teach your child to understand the difference between children who want to be their friend and children who are teasing them. Children with Asperger's Syndrome have difficulty with the idea of duplicity even at its lowest levels; many of them seem incapable not only of lying but of understanding that others might be (Coursey, 2005).
Unfortunately, because they don't understand this concept, making a friend who later betrays them is especially traumatic to a child with Asperger's Syndrome (Whitehouse et al., 2009). Show your child examples of the difference between “laughing with” and “laughing at”, and also what behaviors are likely to result in teasing. While you cannot protect your child against everyone who might treat them badly, this will give them the tools to at least understand when they are being picked on. 3) Plan interactions between your child and your child's friends to take place one-on-one, in quiet, unobtrusive environments.
Children with Asperger's Syndrome can often manage interactions with just one other person by using their (often considerable) intellect to read the social cues that the rest of us understand instinctively (Attwood, 2008). Encourage your child to bring a single friend home from school or another group setting, and allow them to interact without the distraction of other children. If possible, allow them to engage in an activity that they have a shared interest in, without your immediate presence.
This will allow your child to form a social bond without committing the social faux pas that are so common for Asperger's Syndrome children in group interactions (Attwood, 2008). 4) Understand your child's need for solitude, and the value of that solitude. Do not constantly push them into interactions with friends and family, as this could make them even more withdrawn. When your child is alone, there is no one to judge what they do or say, and they are free to engage in the activity of their choice for as long as they want (Attwood, 2008).
While Asperger's Syndrome children desire friendships and social interactions just as other children do, such interactions are exhausting (Whitehouse et al., 2009). Solitude allows them time to relax and unwind from the stress of everyday life, and also to process the social interactions they encountered (Attwood, 2008). If you take your child to activities with friends outside your home, try to provide a familiar, quiet location to which your child can retreat if the social interactions become overwhelming. 5) Teach your child effective non-verbal communication skills.
Children with Asperger's Syndrome have difficulty interacting in social situations, and much of that difficulty arises from a lack of understanding of non-verbal communication. Difficulties with making and/or holding eye contact, personal space, both answering and asking questions, and expressing or reading facial expressions all make it difficult for your child to understand the subtext of a conversation. Such behaviors can also cause the others involved in the interaction to feel uneasy or uncomfortable, even if they don't realize what aspects of the conversation are making them feel that way (Rao, Beidel, & Murray, 2008).
Show your child the meaning behind a variety of non-verbal cues, gestures, and facial expressions, and, if possible, have them attempt to mimic such expressions. The point here is not to have them “pretend” to feel a certain way, but to teach them how to express what they are thinking or feeling in a way that others will understand. Depression in Children with Asperger's Syndrome Due to the levels of anxiety they feel in social situations and just in their everyday activities, combined with the loneliness brought on by difficulty making friends many teenagers with Asperger's Syndrome suffer from depression (National Institutes of Neurological Disorders and Stroke; Whitehouse et al., 2009). However, there are things you can do to help treat or prevent their depression: 1) Assure your child it's okay not to be perfect.
Children with Asperger's syndrome are often perfectionists. Putting heavy pressure on themselves to succeed can lead to higher levels of anxiety, as well as frustration and anger (Attwood, 2008). Encourage your child to do their best and make sure to point out tangible things they do well even when they do not succeed at a particular activity. 2) Pay attention to your child's cues. Children with Asperger's syndrome are often reluctant to discuss their feelings, and may not know how to understand even their own emotions.
However, many children with Asperger's syndrome become fixated on topics such as death and dying, war, weapons, etc. Pay attention to your child's interests and watch for those warning signs (Attwood, 2008). References Attwood, T. (2008). The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome: Jessica Kingsley. Coursey, C. (Writer). (2005). ASPERGER'S SYNDROME COULD BE A CHARACTER-BUILDER [Radio]. In C. Coursey (Producer), Calling Out the Symbol Rulers: KERA Radio 90.1. Rao, P., Beidel, D., & Murray, M. (2008).
Social Skills Interventions for Children with Asperger’s Syndrome or High-Functioning Autism: A Review and Recommendations. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 38(2), 353-361. doi: 10.1007/s10803-007-0402-4 Whitehouse, A. J. O., Durkin, K., Jaquet, E., & Ziatas, K. (2009). Friendship, loneliness and depression in adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome. Journal of Adolescence, 32(2), 309-322. doi: DOI: 10.1016/j.adolescence.2008.03.004
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