Surviving Domestic Violence - Voices of Women Who Broke Free - Term Paper Example

Weiss, E. (2004) Surviving Domestic Violence: Voices of Women Who Broke Free. Volcano, CA: Volcano Press. ISBN 884244-27-0, pp. 247, pbk. Domesticviolence is one of the most difficult issues that doctors, counsellors and other health and welfare professionals have to deal with. It involves dealing with situations that are heart-breaking for women who are directly affected, and for their family and friends who may suspect what is happening, but have little knowledge about the subject and no understanding of the kinds of intervention and support that can be offered. There are both immediate dangers, which can be extreme, and longer term effects, which can last many years after violence is first experienced. This book by Elaine Weiss approaches the subject from the point of women who have experienced domestic violence and have managed to break free from it and rebuild their lives free from the influence of their abusive partner. It is at times a difficult book to read, but it offers genuine, realistic accounts from twelve survivors of domestic violence, each of them explaining in her own words what happened to her, and how she managed to escape. The author has the advantage of being a highly qualified academic who can collect and synthesize information in a lucid and readable way. She is also herself a survivor of domestic violence, and this experience gives her the ability to understand and explain the emotional, rational and economic factors which influence a woman who undergoes this kind of harrowing experience. This dimension of personal experience gives the author a quiet authority. She is able to build trust with the reader very quickly, and persuades through her honesty and her straightforward, no-nonsense style of writing. Chapter one begins with the author’s own story. The moving description of Elaine Weiss’s marriage and early career, marred by the violence of her ex-husband, exemplifies one of the main points of the book: domestic violence can happen to any woman, regardless of her social class, financial status, or educational background. As a successful, middle class career woman from a stable, and loving Jewish family background, Elaine Weiss was a confident and capable woman, but she was not immune to the harm that her partner brought into her life. Another point that this chapter emphasizes, is the extremely long spell of time that is usually required for a woman to summon up the strength to leave an abusive partner, settle into a new, independent life, and then overcome the after-effects of the violence that she has suffered. Elaine Weiss shows that there are no quick fixes to this social problem, but that with determination and support, a woman can break free from what seems at first to be an impossible situation. Chapter two tells the story of Judy North, an elementary school teacher whose ancestors were of Scandinavian origins. Early signs of an unhealthy relationship were easy to miss, but Judy highlights the way that her husband secretly drove a wedge between his wife and her parents, always criticizing them and in one very telling incident, even failing to inform Judy’s parents about the birth of a child! Deception is often one of the more subtle forms of abuse that can build up in a marriage, and it can occur in such a way that no one is aware able to spot it at the time. It is only with the benefit of hindsight and reflection that this woman was able to unravel the steps that led to deeper and deeper entanglement in the abuser’s schemes for domination. The narrative is related by Elaine Weiss with considerable sympathy but there are frequent memorable quotations from Judy which allow her distinctive voice to be heard throughout the chapter. Weiss enables Judy to speak, giving her encouragement to tell her story, and a platform to bring her wisdom to a wider audience. This enabling approach is carried on throughout the book, allowing each individual woman to tell her story in her own particular way. Mandy in chapter three, for example, was very well aware of her lawyer husband’s controlling behavior and perfectionism. She gave up her own career and tried to please her demanding husband in every possible way. This story shows another very common reaction on the part of a woman to domestic violence: Mandy thinks that it must be her fault that he is so angry and unpleasant. The woman takes on the burden of trying to fix the broken relationship, and is exhausted by her own futile attempts to make things right. It is only when Mandy realizes that she does not deserve this treatment, and that her husband is the source of the rows and violence, that she begins to make plans for escape. The years of patient endurance are followed by a long period of watchful preparation, in which Mandy “bided her time” and then took the chance to leave, with a carefully planned exit and transition to the next stage of her life. Other women illustrate different aspects of domestic violence in the following chapters. Peg McBride takes a long time to work out what is going on, and it was only by painstakingly putting together all the “jigsaw” pieces of information that she gathered over time that she eventually began to see her abusive partner’s motivation. This realization provided the clarity that she needed to make the decision to leave him. Another woman, Carolee Curtis, found the route to freedom through her concern for her child. Very often women are reluctant to leave a violent partner because they think it is better to hold the family together for the sake of the children. In this case, Carolee correctly deduced that the family situation was having negative effects on her son’s mental and physical wellbeing. While this woman was able to endure hardship and suffering that was meted out to her, she could not endure seeing her child suffer in the same way. This love for her child motivated her to leave the abusive partner. Another aspect of domestic violence that must not be overlooked, is the dimension of fear. Women who are subjected to violent behavior often fear the perpetrator, and this leaves a long legacy that can haunt a woman for the rest of her life. Two of the women who tell their stories in the book, Becky Pepper and Whitney Benson, describe how crippling the fear can be. Although in some situations flight from danger is the most obvious choice of action, in domestic abuse the situation is often very complex. Women fear the revenge of a husband or partner who always reacts very angrily to any sign of rebellion or independent thinking. Another woman, Dawn Kincaid, doubts whether she is really safe, even when the immediate danger from the violent partner is removed. Domestic violence casts a long shadow, and this is one of the areas which the book itself addresses. The target audience for this volume is in fact very broad. It has an obvious use as a support for those who are suffering or have suffered abuse. This is not particularly because of the advice it contains on how to plan and then complete an escape, although this aspect is present in the book and very helpful. The book’s most valuable contribution for women who are in such an abusive relationship lies in its calm, understated illustration of multiple routes and possibilities that can be taken. Each woman had to work her own way through her situation, and there is no suggestion that every woman should follow a single blueprint for success. There are general section headings such as “Getting out” (p. 67) and “After It’s over, It’s Not Over” (p. 115) which deal with the major stages on the path from victimhood, to escape, and then finally to freedom, which structure the stories in a generally positive direction. Weiss adds little sections entitled “reflection” at the end of the stories, and this tactic serves to draw out the most important lessons from each individual instance. A reader learns, therefore, to sympathize with the woman, and understand the situation being described in the narrative, and then take a step back and analyse the whole narrative in a dispassionate and pragmatic way. This distancing is an invaluable skill for people who can be overwhelmed by their own oppressive reality. There is also considerable value in this book for professionals who deal with survivors of domestic violence and family members or friends who may be concerned about a woman in their immediate circle. The tone of the book is rather low key and aimed at the general reader rather than the academic. This does not mean, however, that the points it makes are easy to put into practice. By homing in on the essential lived experiences of real women, the book shows how deep the scars of domestic abuse can be, and at the same time it offers hope to everyone affected by it. The narratives collected here will undoubtedly contribute much to general understanding of domestic violence, and thanks to its quiet testimony to the courage of these twelve women, it offers sensible, sympathetic encouragement. Undoubtedly it will be a valuable resource to anyone who is taking courageous steps towards helping themselves, or another person, escape from domestic violence and its aftermath. Read More