Personal Change Experience - Essay Example

My personal change experience If there is one thing we can be sure of it is that our lives will experience change – it is all around us. Heraclitus, in about 500 BC noted “Nothing endures but change.” (cited in Sayles, 2002, p.93) Youth or adolescence is probably the most changeable and determining time of a person’s life. It is a time when a person changes physically from a child into an adult; it is a time psychosocial changes occur when a child, having relied on his/her parents to date for guidance and support becomes someone that is able to make his/her own decisions; it is a time when a person becomes aware of his/her own individuality or identity; it is also a time when he/she establishes important relationships, both with friends and lovers. These physical and psychosocial changes suggest that a person at this stage in their life probably undergoes changes in their personality as well. In this paper I will reflect on how I have experienced all of these changes over the last few years, and on how I coped with these changes with reference to Virginia Satir’s Transformational Model of Change. My early life My life in Hong Kong was without worry and I was seemingly living in a fantasy world. I wanted and waited for nothing from my parents, although divorced; they provided me with everything I desired, including love, money for shopping, money for overseas travel in my school breaks, in fact money for anything. I was popular amongst my peers and had many friends with whom I could spend time shopping, dancing, partying and generally just having a good time. I was not an A grade student but received relatively good grades considering the amount of time and effort I put into my study, which was relatively little. My life ran smoothly; I knew what I was doing from day to day, my parents made all my decisions for me, planned my present and future life and I never really considered that things would change. I assumed that my life would always be this way and in some way I was living a fairytale inside a glass bubble – not even considering that one day that bubble may burst! My parents decided that it would be a good experience for me to study overseas, an idea to which I did not consider or see fit to question. In fact it sounded rather exciting to me and I was eager to have the opportunity of further travel, spending real time in another country and making new friends. I failed to consider that this move was a major change in my life and one that would bring about major change in myself. Move to America At the beginning my move to America was fine. I settled in well at school, made many new friends and generally everything remained the same as before; my parents continued to support me and provide me with everything I wanted and made decisions for me. My expectation was that after graduation I would return to Hong Kong to work with my father, so I never really took my studies seriously thus did not need to work really hard - life was good, but then something happened that shattered my life; my father remarried. At every school break I would return home to Hong Kong to spend time with my parents and friends and enjoy the time without study but at each subsequent visit I became more and more aware that the relationship between myself and my father was deteriorating. We did not seem to be as close as we once were and although he continued to provide for me in monetary terms I felt I was losing him as somebody that loved and trusted me totally. I felt as though I was losing someone and something that I had assumed would always be there, my father and his love. My life was turned upside down and for the first time in my life I felt stressed, hurt, confused and afraid but at the same time I was worried and angry that this had happened to me; my first instinct was to find somebody or something to blame. At first I put blame on my father but then I realized that my stepmother had been increasingly jealous of my relationship with my father and had treated me more and more as an outsider within their home. This realization embittered me more and I became more and more self centered, concerned only with my feelings and nobody else’s; I became more and more objectionable with my friends, not caring whether or not I hurt their feelings and never considering how they may feel. My emotions seemed to be all over the place – one moment I was loving and attentive with my boyfriend and the next I was screaming at him over things of no significance. Although I had failed to take my studies seriously before, I became resolved that it was futile and a waste of time paying any attention whatsoever to them now, as I was certain my father would no longer care about my grades in any case. I began to miss classes, ignored homework and assignment deadlines, failed to interact when attending classes, thus becoming increasingly antagonistic towards my teachers and lecturers and people around me. I felt as though I was on a sea-saw where one moment I was up and the next I was down. Life continued like this for quite a while; I created different scenarios in my head about confronting my father about the way I felt, attacking my stepmother in order to see her reaction and the way in which she would deny my accusations of her jealousy and marrying my boyfriend. The problem was that if I married my boyfriend, an American, my father would no longer provide for me in monetary terms and my boyfriend was not from a wealthy family, so this was a big consideration for me. Then one day I realized that I had to make a decision – I had to make a choice between money or family, this was my way out, the solution to my mess. My focus turned from my father to my boyfriend and I considered life as a married woman. I deliberated over the adjustments I would have to make in my life and the changes I would have to endure in terms of lifestyle, home and work, and how I would need to more independent and set goals for myself rather than somebody else setting them for me. So I set on this path, forgetting my family and putting all my attention on my life as a married woman, living and working in America. I began to feel more confident in myself, more amicable towards my friends and put a little more effort into my studies. I noticed that people around me were becoming friendlier, my boyfriend was happier and we were arguing and fighting less and less. I began to consider why I felt better; was it because I had finally made a decision on my own or was it because I had the ability to create another family to replace the one I was losing? Life continued and I felt that everything was satisfactory, until a semester break arrived and I had the choice of spending time with my boyfriend or going back to Hong Kong for a couple of weeks. I discussed my dilemma with my boyfriend and he convinced me that I could do both; I could spend time in Hong Kong and time with him and his family on my return. It took much persuasion on his part to convince me to go back to Hong Kong and see my parents but finally I relinquished and agreed to go back but only on the proviso that he would accompany me and meet my parents. We went to Hong Kong and I introduced him to both my mother and father; they both liked him very much and even my stepmother was polite and hospitable towards him. He in return said that he considered my family as very down to earth people, successful and affluent but able to maintain a sense of reality, able to keep a connection with people and life around them, which was something many successful American families were unable to maintain. During this visit I spent time with both my parents and came to the realization that my relationship with my father was not in jeopardy as I had imagined. In fact, he was very eager to meet my boyfriend and extremely interested in my future plans, considerate towards my concerns and willing to help and assist us in anyway possible. Even my stepmother appeared more cordial and accepting of me and my boyfriend; in fact she even suggested that my father and I spend time together on our own. My last return to Hong Kong was another turning point in my life. I realized that the rift within the relationship with my father was in reality a myth. It was not that there was a problem between him and I but the problem laid within myself. My life had been changed; before although my parents were divorced I had the undivided attention of both my mother and my father but suddenly my father’s attention was divided. I thought that somebody else was in his life vying for my attention when in reality he was trying to share his attention and his love. Because of my jealousy towards my father’s new wife and my fear of losing him I had conjured scenarios in my mind and had believed that she did not like me and felt jealous towards me and the relationship I had with my father. The turning point came when I recognized the fact that I could marry my boyfriend and at the same time continue a caring and loving relationship with both my parents – my mother and my father – and perhaps develop a more friendly report with my father’s wife. The most interesting development for me however, was the fact that I no longer consideed money as a prime object in making decisions. No longer did I care whether I continued to receive money from my parents or not; no longer was I concerned about the changes I still needed to make in my life. Now I was eager to make plans, set goals and make a new life in America as a married woman, in the knowledge that rather than having to make the choice between one family or another, I could now have both. Analysis of my change experiences with Satir’s Change Model Virginia Satir’s Change Model is a process model which endeavours to explain the stages through which individuals experience change, and claims that as a person deals with unforeseen or major change they traverse through six stages: The Late Status Quo, The Foreign Element, Chaos, The Transforming Idea, Practice and Integration, and The New Status Quo. My earlier life in terms of Satir’s Change Model was my status quo. It was a time in my life when I made assumptions about the world; I assumed that life would continue status quo. I realize however, that status quo was a balance within my life where everything was familiar and familiarity is easier to live with than change, but at the same time I realize I am human and that if I had not made assumptions about my life I would not have had to deal with change and I would not therefore had the opportunity to develop. I also realize that assumptions are not reality and that when something happens to disintegrate that reality life becomes disorganized. The change element in Satir’s model is the ‘foreign element’, and this ‘foreign element’ changed my life; it was my father’s remarriage and my perceived deterioration of the relationship between me and my father, which is in accordance with Sayles (2002:102) who claims that “the Foreign Element is an aspect of the change process that comes from outside the system.” In my case my father’s new wife was the foreign element and in my mind she created my stage of ‘Chaos’ (Satir’s Change Model). I unconsciously became hostile towards her in the belief that she was hostile towards me, which I now consider to be a belief based on my concern of losing my father. This was a place, a situation in which I could have easily become stuck and not able to move from but my instincts told me that I had to find a way out. I look back now and think my coping styles were inadequate. I tried to place blame anywhere but on myself and I took refuge in my noncompliance with society, in terms of my friends and other people around me. My considerations towards study were also lacking and in my attempts to hurt my father by not attaining good grades and reinforcing my belief that he did not care, the only person that suffered was me. In my ‘chaos’ it is evident that I was uncertain about what to do to make things better and I changed my mind from one day to the next and in retrospect I believe that my emotions were in turmoil; they were on a helter-skelter ride and not really under control. I think I was unconsciously but frantically searching for something, anything that would bring back my ‘status quo.’ In looking back, I also think that I became very creative in developing the many scenarios in which I could escape but in the end I realized that none of them would work in reality. I also realize now that in all my turmoil I was only considering myself – I was extremely selfish and in being so was unable to consider things objectively thus incapable of determining a levelheaded or credible solution. My first ‘Transforming Idea’ in terms of Satir’s model was to make the choice between marriage or money! Looking back now I realize this was a false ‘transforming idea’ but one towards which I strove. My endeavour was to resolve my internal conflict and the only way to do this was to choose between one thing or another, there was no concept in my mind that there may be other solutions to my turmoil or ‘chaos,’ and that it was only after discussion with my boyfriend, who was able to convince me that there was no real necessity to make selection but that I could have both, that I agreed to return to Hong Kong, thus I realize that seeking help from others in order to solve my own problems is a positive strategy and that sharing ideas and experiences provides strength. It was during my time spent back in Hong Kong within the company of both my boyfriend and my family that my mind was changed and I realized a new ‘transforming idea’ that in fact I could have both. This unconscious realization bought me to Satir;s ‘Practice and Integrations’ stage, wherein I set out to make things happen. I set new goals for myself, which included both a new husband and my family. I think I took risks and made many mistakes and took ten steps backwards but many times I surged ahead in my endeavors. I believe that I am still at the ‘Practice and Integration’ stage and that I am still learning to deal with the changes in my life. The notion of marriage and living as two rather than only having to consider myself is a daunting prospect but one that I believe I can adapt to and caress with open arms. Now I have two men in my life that I can love and they in return can love me. This stage in my life is about learning and a time when I need to gain control of my new found autonomy and try to find the skills to deal with the changes I experience and integrate them into my daily life. At the moment I am still a student so I need to concentrate on my studies; I need to refocus and ascertain priorities, and my first priority is to graduate and graduate well. In order to do this I must make up for lost time and study hard in order to achieve the grades that in my heart I know I am worthy of. Following graduation I will then focus on establishing a new life in America both as a wife and set up house, and as an individual whereupon I will aim for employment in the beauty or fashion industry, which is an area I feel passionate about, and later in a couple of years I would like to undertake and MBA degree. At this point in my life perhaps I will be able to establish my ‘New Status Quo’ wherein I can once again feel comfortable and live a more harmonious life; this time however, I know that as a human I will make assumptions but now I have learnt that my assumptions may be challenged by change and that I will need to refocus by looking back on what I have already learnt in dealing with that change. I realize that there will be setbacks and that perhaps these setbacks will throw me back onto ‘chaos’ but now I also realize that these setbacks are not my failures but rather responses providing insight as to how I go about things the next time. In other words, when I make a mistake I need to realize what I have done wrong, adjust and try again and try not to do too much at once. I need to take risks and feel confident working outside of my safe zone and when I am successful I should congratulate myself without feeling egotistical but rather proud of my achievement. In living my life I have never thought about or considered change; I have never thought about how I deal with change but have merely managed the best I can by instinct. Now however I understand that everything we do in order to deal with change whether it be a major or minor change, we do so in a similar manner. The Satir Change Model assists in explaining the different stages we pass though in our experience of change and by understanding this model and acknowledging which stage of change we are in, we are able to select the most efficient methods with which we can transform unpredicted change into an occasion in which we can realize and enhance our skills in dealing and managing change. The major changes that have occurred in my life and discussed in this paper have helped in transforming me from being a dependant child to being an independent adult. The changes I have experienced and managed, however well or not so well, have helped in my maturity, self esteem and establishment of stability in my life. References Sayles, Carl 2002 Transformational Change – Based on the Model of Virginia Satir, Contemporary Family Therapy, 24:1. 93-109 Read More