Helping Children Through Divorce - Essay Example

Helping Children through Divorce Copyright With trends that are suggestive of an increasing number of couples living together and continued high divorce rates, it is clear that the number of children affected by a divorce or a separation is increasing. Such children are likely to present adverse impacts, including depression, low self-esteem, behavioral problems and a lack of achievement. Thus, it is important make the right efforts to try to help the so-called children of divorce and to minimize the impact of divorce. Fortunately, it is possible to do more to help children who have suffered from the divorce or separation of their parents as they confront a reorganization of their family. Parental education about divorce, interventions designed to help children open up, discuss issues and to acquire problem solving skills as well as peer support do help. Schools are important in helping a child to adjust. This essay presents a discussion about ways to help children through a divorce or a reorganization of their family. Declaration I certify that, except where cited in the text, this work is the result of research carried out by the author of this study. _____________________________________________ Name and Signature of Author March 2009 This write - up is for an essay about Helping Children through Divorce. Biographical Sketch Acknowledgments Contents Introduction 1 Strategies and Interventions for Helping Children of Divorce 3 Conclusion 10 Bibliography/ References 12 (This page intentionally left blank) Introduction The Western world, including United States of America and Canada, continues to experience a disturbing trend that shows high divorce rates (Harvey, 2003, pp. 3). In the 1960s, three out of ten marriages were likely to end in a divorce in the United States of America, but the divorce rate increased to five out of ten in 1975. This rate continued to persist until recently, when an increase in the number of couples living together without getting married skewed the marriage and divorce statistics (Jayson, 2005, Paragraph 1). Those who are living together can break up without causing much of a stir and this means that close relationships remain fragile. Thus, the Western world in general and the United States in particular, continue to experience weak family structures with high rates of solo parenting. Research suggests that the impact of a divorce on children is often devastating, because of divided loyalties between parents, the emotional and financial tensions, split families with former spouses living apart and continued conflict between parents (Harvey, 2003, pp. 3 – 6) and (McCormick-Wege, 2001, pp. 14 – 17). More than a million children in the United States of America now become children of divorce every year and these children are more likely to develop psychological problems compared to others, even if their financial and economic support continues. Children of divorce experience adjustment problems that do vary depending on the age, developmental maturity, gender, the time since the divorce and the nature of the support systems that are available to a child. Depression is a common problem and research suggests that the loss of a parent through divorce is likely to be more depressive compared to the death of a parent. In addition, a high level of conflict between parents during a divorce will be affect children to a greater degree. Thus, clearly children experiencing the divorce of their parents are likely to be in need of support, which can help them in moving on and continuing with the challenges of their own life. Recognition that it is possible to better help children of divorce to cope better has resulted in the design of many intervention approaches from around the world since the seventies and early eighties (Fthenakis, 2000, pp. 1). It is possible to think about divorce in terms of a reorganization of the family and not its end. Parents can do more to promote the adjustment of their children during and after their divorce (Long, 2002, pp. 1 – 5). Because of the fact that high rates of divorce and a tendency for couples to live together is likely to result in an increase in the number of children of divorce who have to confront an unwelcome reorganization of their family, it is likely to be worthwhile to examine ways for better aiding such children. This essay presents a discussion about helping children through divorce and examines interventions that can help children to cope better with the divorce of their parents. Strategies and Interventions for Helping Children of Divorce Ideally, parents thinking about divorce should be in a position to weigh their decision, develop an understanding for the outcomes of divorce and consider the laws related to divorce (Long, 2002, pp. 1 – 32). However, it is likely that in practice even, the more educated and refined couples will not be in a position to avoid unpleasantness when divorce is an alternative. Nevertheless, education and the availability of information related to divorce, its affects, impact on children and helpful advice about how best to minimize the harm unleashed by a divorce can only help when two individuals just cannot continue in a married relationship. Thus, it is always likely to be of help if candid advice about how best to minimize the harmful impact of a divorce on everyone is readily available. It is always best not to use children as pawns in a game of hate and it is best to tell gently tell them when a decision for divorce is made. It is important for parents to understand that whereas marriage and partnership ends with a divorce, parenthood is a lifelong responsibility. In the United States of America, efforts made by the courts to safeguard the interests of children include interventions to expose the children of divorce to the realities of divorce and to make them understand that other children may be experiencing similar problems (McCormick-Wege, 2001, pp. 18). The grant of a divorce in several counties in the United States of America is contingent on children between the age of 6 and 17 taking part in the Sandcastles Program in which children discuss various issues related to divorce in groups. Such interventions help children under trauma of a divorce between their parents to desist from internalizing their anger and emotions. Opening up, expressing anger, discussing and learning from similar experiences of other children helps the children of divorce to react better and to develop their own strengths for their future. It is important to try to assist parents to accept a reorganization of the family and to ease into assuming responsibilities for joint parenthood. It is also important to try to promote feelings of support, to correct misconceptions about divorce in children and to provide tools for coping with stress and challenge for children (Fthenakis, 2000, pp. 3 - 4). Group therapy makes it possible for children from lower income groups to take part in a preparative and supportive intervention that is likely to be expensive to maintain if only children from a single family were to attend sessions. It is equally important for all in a family to understand that divorces can be civil and friendly and that despite a divorce, it is still possible for parents to act as parents to their children (Harvey, 2004, Chapter 4). A divorce can provide an opportunity for growth for all despite the trauma and the unpleasantness of this act. Thus, if parents and those with an interest in the children of divorce are willing to act positively, it is possible to present a net positive result from a divorce when two mature individuals just cannot live together in a family unit. Apart from the family, children have feelings for attachment with the school that they attend and it is possible for educators and the school administration to help children of divorce (Myers Cottingim, 2002, pp. 28 – 36). Social support for a family is often lacking during a divorce because friends feel that they do not want to take sides or that it is not their business to intervene in the decisions of two adults who had enjoyed the same regard. A death in the family can elicit greater support and sympathy from friends compared to a divorce. Thus, it is important that schools understand the problems confronting a child and try to assist the children of divorce because divorce impedes learning and the performance of a child at school will suffer due to their experience with divorce. It is important to remember that schools must develop a child in a holistic manner and this means that schools do provide care for psychological problems or difficulties that confront a child. However, it is unfortunate that many teachers do not have the training or experience to know how to help children of divorce and this means that the school counselor is often in a unique position to help such children. Thus, it is important to select the right school for children of divorce because researchers have noted that selecting the right school can immeasurably improve a child’s ability to navigate through life after a divorce (Myers Cottingim, 2002, pp. 29 – 30). The right school can act as a buffer zone between a child and parental conflict. Children of divorce often need recreation, advice giving, resource and emotional support as well as encouragement and positive feedback (Myers Cottingim, 2002, pp. 30 - 35). Children of divorce often present low self-esteem, high absenteeism, a decreased ability to concentrate, depression and behavioral problems. Teachers can help by focusing on divorce related problems that affect a child’s classroom behavior and academic performance. A teacher can discuss divorce related problems with a child’s parents, but only to the extent that the topic of discussion is limited to a child’s classroom behavior and academic performance. It is best to refer other problems related to divorce to the school counselor or a school psychologist so that a teacher and the class are distracted. The counselor or the psychologist is the best authority to determine how best a school can help children of divorce. However, teachers can try to be compassionate without taking sides and they can try to point to any useful resources that can assist children of divorce. It is best that a school counselor or a psychologist intervenes as soon as it appears that a child is experiencing problems arising out of a divorce. A school can only help children of divorce while remaining within its broad resource constraints. Thus, group and peer counseling sessions for children from single parent families and counseling groups for parents and children experiencing divorce are often the best possible solution (Myers Cottingim, 2002, pp. 28 - 35). A counselor should ensure that children of divorce do not feel stigmatized or singled out. It is helpful to train selected teachers and school personnel to better deal with children of divorce and their problems. Such trained personnel help ensure that children of divorce are not bullied or stigmatized by their peers. Group counseling and support programs offered in schools around the United States of America try to provide a supportive group environment and a safe climate for the child in which participants can express their feelings of anger and frustration and receive support to solve problems that they face due to the reorganization of the their family. Such group counseling programs encourage children to communicate and provide them with improved conflict management skills. Video, films, presentations, discussions and books used in the group counseling programs try to develop the child and to improve self-esteem. Up to twelve one-hour sessions per week are likely to be useful and such weekly sessions that are spread out ensure that children attending them are reinforced over a period of time till the pain is minimal and they are better. It is important to understand that the approach towards providing support to the children of divorce and other vulnerable children varies with culture. This means that depending on a child’s background, holistic care for the child may include religious and theological care as well as help with providing for their material needs (Reyneke-Bernard, 2005, Chapters 1 – 3). Children in Africa whose parents have died because of HIV/AIDS do present a far greater challenge for those who must provide care. However, in developed countries, including the United States of America, which has a multicultural society, it is best to leave options for receiving theological instruction, which is included in a holistic care approach, to the custodial parent. A child will often have to adjust to a reduced income household because of the divorce and this means that schools can sometimes help within their means. Single parents in many other countries, such as Australia receive financial support from the state to ensure that children are adequately cared for after a divorce. However, in the United States of America and Canada, programs to foster children’s resilience through group support and skill building are likely to work best. An intervention program designed to help children of divorce to improve their resilience and skills for coping is in (LeCroy, 2008, Chapter 9). This program encourages children to open up and to express their feelings about families and family change. It then continues to try to impart coping skills to children by teaching them the basics of social problem solving steps that lead to an ability for analysis, weighing up of effects and the selection of the best alternative, while stressing that more than a single solution is possible. The program proceeds to help children to express their feelings towards their parents and to apply their social problem solving skills to their relationship with their parents. Finally, the program moves on to try to improve the feelings of self-esteem for the child and their families. The program tries to elicit questions from children about unresolved issues related to the divorce of their parents, with attempts made to try to resolve the difficulties. Children are further encouraged to constantly seek support from available sources for their problems. Schools are the best places for offering and hosting programs such as the one described in the previous paragraph (LeCroy, 2008, Chapter 9). However, simply because schools can play a role in helping children of divorce does not mean that parents cannot do more (Hetherington, 1999, pp. 134 – 137). Parents do not have to stay married for children if they cannot provide children with a family in which they can maintain happiness and research suggests that unhappy families in which children face conflicts between their parents result in damage to such children. The quality of parenting is important and if despite the divorce, parents can continue to cooperate to provide jointly, a decent parenting for their children despite the family reorganization, a reduction to the damage arising out of the impact of a divorce on the child is likely. Thus, parents should try to contain their differences, such as those related to visiting rights, access and other support matters. It is clear that the father is likely to be financially stronger compared to the mother and it is important for children to feel that they continue to receive the support from their fathers despite the divorce. Court requirements related to the education of parents about their handling of children during and after their divorce encourage positive attitudes (Fthenakis, 2000, pp. 3 - 10). Children appreciate those parents that remain involved, including the fathers. It is important to increase the resilience of a child confronted with loss arising out of a divorce and attitude of parents, care provided by schools as well as caring friends help to do this. Thus, parental divorce education, play therapy and peer support programs contribute towards bringing things closer to normalcy for children of divorce (Hulsey, 2008, pp. 32 – 53), (Thulien, 2007, pp. 40 – 60) and (Webb, 2007, pp. 368 - 389). A number of approaches to help children through divorce are available and it helps to put them to practice. Conclusion Clearly, divorce is a most traumatic event for children and happy children need happy families with attentive parenting. However, damage to children is equally likely if parents stay together and provide them with a poor confrontational family atmosphere. Thus, if a divorce takes place, it is important that children benefit from the positive attitudes of their parents, support from schools and peers as well as benefits from interventions designed to help them understand and to develop the skills needed to solve their problems. Parental divorce education, court requirements related to children of divorce taking part in interventions and group therapy at school appear to be the best ways to help children through divorce on their way to adulthood and healing. (This page intentionally left blank) Bibliography/ References 1. Bertram, April N. (2001). The Relationship of Parent Involvement and Post – Divorce Adjustment to the Academic Achievement and Achievement Motivation of School Aged Children. Oklahoma State University. Retrieved: February 22, 2009, from: http://digital.library.okstate.edu/etd/umi-okstate-1569.pdf 2. Bhattacharyya, Rita. (2005). Divorce in Children’s Literature: A Look at Chapter Books 1970 – 2004. University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Retrieved: February 22, 2009, from: http://etd.ils.unc.edu/dspace/bitstream/1901/147/1/Masters+Paper.pdf 3. Clinton, Tim and Sibcy, Gary. (2006). Loving Your Child Too Much: Raise Your Kids Without Overindulging, Overprotecting or Overcontrolling. Thomas Nelson. 4. Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John. (1998). Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Help Your Children Gain Control of their Lives. Zondervan. 5. Department of Justice, Canada. (1997). The Effects of Divorce on Children: A Selected Literature Review. Department of Justice, Canada. 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Play Therapy with Children in Crisis: Individual, Group and Family Treatment. The Guilford Press. Read More