Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess up Their Lives - Essay Example

Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives” A Book Review Women’s relationships with men are often complicated. Many factors need to be considered when analyzing how women fail miserably in their romantic liaisons. The book written by the prominent psychotherapist and radio talk show host, Dr. Laura Schlessinger entitled “Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives” offers enlightenment to women as to how their behaviors greatly affect their relationships. Dr. Laura, as she is fondly known, makes women accountable for their own actions and decisions and responsible for the consequences of their choices, including tolerating some obnoxious male behaviors just to avoid loneliness, self-assertiveness and self-sufficiency. This reflects the low self-esteem most women suffer from. The book discusses ten pitfalls of women and how these “stupid” behaviors may be detrimental to their self-concept and gravely influence their perspectives in their lives. These are: attachment to a relationship no matter how bad it is, courtship and dating issues, devotion to a man despite maltreatment, passion or sex-too-soon, cohabitation or living together without the security of marriage, unfulfilled expectations, conceiving babies in order to keep a relationship with a man, subjugation to the point of tolerating a man to hurt a woman’s child, helplessness or the perception that one has no alternatives and lastly, granting forgiveness too easily to men who have wronged them. Women seem to base their identities on their men, and focus all their energies on keeping them. Usually, a man is desperately clung to, as if he is the source of her breath. Having a man won’t heal her hurts, resolve all her self-doubts and protect her from life’s challenges. Dr. Laura reminds women that it is their responsibility to become fully realized as a person by having dreams, a purpose, building their identity, so they take a more active role in the quality of their lives. Only then can other people – friends, spouses, children – share in their growth rather than become responsible for it. Nowadays, it is the women who seem to pine for men to select them instead of the other way around. Sometimes, a woman may be too intent on making a man want her that she does not even consider if she really wants him in the first place. Men “are often burdened with the task of being the source of affirmation and approval for the woman’s young, uncertain, developing or even somewhat damaged self-esteem.” (p. 36). Sometimes, it gets draining on the part of men since they are also sensitive to women’s attachment desperation and feel that they are being used for that and are not wanted for themselves. That could be the start of a relationship gone sour. Women justify staying in bad relationships with men because of love. Women are gratified with intermittent bursts of affection form such men that they tolerate the bad times with them. According to Dr. Laura, “there are two powerful motivations for making it work with the most available guy – attempting to heal past hurts and avoiding risks. Sadly, neither works for long – even if a romance takes off and you’re swept away by passion. When reality steps in, you go back to reading EMPTY and start trying to figure out why you’re still not happy.” (p. 65) It is important for women to use their heads more than their hearts in making decisions in relationships because emotionally-laden decisions tend to have a blurry picture of reality. The view of women being highly emotional springs from historical perspectives of gender differences. Corrigan (2002) points out that during the mid-19th century, women’s emotion was seen as lacking the power and energy ascribed to masculine passion and hence, identified as inferior and ineffectual emotionality. Women were viewed as incapable of controlled emotion and are not well-equipped to regulate them. Men, on the other hand, had “better capacity to harness the power of emotion in the service of reason, and so drive evolution and civilization forward.” (Shields, 2007, p. 104). As feminists evolved in their realization that such beliefs were prejudiced against women, the slow and painful process of women proving it otherwise began. However, such beliefs were already deeply-ingrained in the psyche of most people. A study on college students’ long-held beliefs about women yielded stereotypical constructs. Results showed that marriage seemed so important to women that if they are unmarried by age 30, they are believed to be unhappy and depressed. It was also believed that most women assume that men can read their minds and thus, expect compassion and understanding from them when the situation calls for it (McNeely, Knox, Zusman, 2005). Such conceptions have been developed from common experiences of contemporary man-woman relationships or even depicted by media. Dr. Laura’s book encourages women to awake from their complacency in being accustomed to pain and suffering. It shows them that indeed, respect is due them. Dr. Laura’s concrete examples from her actual professional practice and calls on her radio talk show exhibit her strong advocacy for women to take charge of their lives and not relegate it to others. It drives the point that ultimately, one is responsible for her choices and no one else can be blamed for the consequences but herself. If a woman feels stuck in a pathetic relationship, she always has the option to leave, and doing so will earn her respect because she makes a statement that she deserves to be treated better. Some women, though, resort to manipulative schemes such as getting pregnant on purpose without the agreement of her man, or trapping him to marriage. Usually, these plans backfire since they have been conceived and implemented to serve selfish purposes. Women are more likely to get into such predicaments “because of their orientation toward life, which has less to do with inner courage, independence, and individual creativity than it should.” (208). The book offers sensible advise to all women and leans on the feminist views that women need to assert their rights. However, it does not blame societal norms and expectations nor men in the current status of women in society. It mainly focuses on how women can deal with themselves so they avoid making “stupid” mistakes in their relationships. It tackles sensitive women’s issues such as abuse, marriage and family, childhood traumatic experiences that are yet to be healed, and many more. It does not moralize or preach ethics but it depicts the truth as evidenced by the experiences of other women. Using actual examples gives more credence to Dr. Laura’s advise. Past experiences are considered when women face challenging situations that make them repeat patterns of behavior. An example would be how a woman cannot commit to a relationship with a man and leaves him before he gets the chance to leave her first. This pattern of behavior may have been learned from the woman’s past traumatic experiences of being abandoned by the significant people in her lives. She may have learned that it is preferable to do the leaving than to be the one left behind. Dr. Laura wisely puts it this way: “Our early childhood attachments, love and nurturing experiences will teach that we are lovable and that emotional attachments are generally safe and rewarding – or the opposite. If it is the opposite, then we come to expect such things as hurt, loss, betrayal. When we are in that mode, it is amazing how history seems to repeat itself with future adult relationships. And we are constantly hurt. The anger that might have seemed so appropriate to the situation is squelched by the incredible self-doubts, which lead us to feel we have no right to anger – we just aren’t worth it” (p. 195) A true psychotherapist, Dr. Laura uses sound psychological explanations culled from tried and tested psychological theories. The example given above may be explained by Erikson’s Psychosocial Stages or behaviorist constructs of reinforcement and eventually, learned helplessness. The reputation of women being the “weaker sex” is strongly being contested by feminists today. However, the reality is that most women embody this reputation by allowing men to subjugate them because of their dependency and need for attachment and approval. Their low self-esteem makes them settle for something below what they respectfully deserve because they believe they are not worthy of having more. “The fantasy of winning approval or love through long-suffering toleration of others’ single-minded self-centeredness doesn’t bring in the love of others. And it promotes the hate of self.” (p. 188). This poor self-concept may have been ingrained in them from childhood by parents who have not been supportive of their healthy emotional growth and development. As grown women, Dr. Laura is amazed at how much nonproductive anguish and suffering (abuse, mismatch, disdain, disinterest) they will endure in order to avoid the productive forms of anguish and suffering (inner knowledge, independence and challenging life for a personal dream). Their utter dependence on a man makes them feel cared for, and therefore, loved by another individual. Dr. Laura advises these women, “You and only you have the power , the sole power, to make you happy. When you blindly leap for a man, you generally end up repeating, reliving, the pain you’ve been trying to flee” (p. 94) Hence, they need to build up their self-esteem enough to make them take personal risks. It is in the taking of risks, that one grows in autonomy and personal power. No matter how difficult it is, women desiring a healthier sense of self should persevere in the healing process because “self-esteem is centered in the will to overcome circumstance, not to give in to being overcome. (p. 98) Dr. Laura’s approach is frank and direct, spiced with wit and humor. She blatantly faces women “victims” with the truth, which is usually painful and difficult to swallow. “Of course, it is the facing of reality that causes the most fear and pain. And sometimes, not choosing is easier than changing.” (p. 201) She may sometimes seem too harsh especially with women in denial only because she strongly feels that these women need to be aware that they are indeed in bad relationships and need to take responsibility for themselves by moving on to better pastures. She enthuses, “The only way to become worth it in our own lives is to believe in some kind of universal inalienable right to respect, honor, commitment, caring and love – and then to earn it in our own minds by our courageous efforts in our own behalf in just about every aspect of our lives: work, relationships, and love. Brave choices. Self-esteem earned” (p. 196). She is not stingy with words of encouragement and she is mostly successful in empowering these women to take the first step to their own happiness. When callers listen to her advise, it is as if they already knew all along what she is saying but needed a credible professional to tell them to their face. Readers of the book may be disappointed in the lack of examples of good and deserving men in relationships with women in her case studies. She mostly talked about cheaters, losers and users who abused and took advantage of women’s vulnerabilities. It would seem as if having a responsible, loving and honest man is close to impossible. However, one needs to remember that she is dealing with women who have “messed up” their lives and ended up with such good-for nothing men and Dr. Laura emphasized that it was their choice to be in such bad relationships. The book also discusses how women’s expectations of men usually disappoint them and leave them miserable. Some women leave the responsibility of building up their self-esteem to their men and when they don’t make them feel great, they resent them. Dr. Laura reflects, “It’s when you push a man to be other than what he is that he becomes less of who he is. And then you have nothing.. even though something was available for comfort, which you reject out of your inflexible romantic fantasy.” (p. 130) In cases like this, both parties suffer in a no-win situation. Passive women who usually get bullied by men often admit their helplessness. Dr. Laura pushes them to be more assertive and expressive of their true feelings. Women more frequently express hurt when they should be expressing anger. As long as they are hurt, they don’t feel they need to take any active steps in redressing, improving or escaping from a bad situation because hurt indicates a significant degree of emotional involvement and need for the other person. On the other hand, anger is the expression of extreme displeasure, hostility and indignation. When a passive woman suddenly express anger to mean she is not taking any more abuse, and takes action in leaving the bad relationship, she is most likely to gain the respect of her man and eventually see her in a more positive light. Bottom line is that women should be empowered to pursue their passions, hone their talents and skills and optimize their potentials first for themselves and then for others. When they are wholly fulfilled as persons, then they are more capable of sharing themselves with men of high caliber. Knowing what they want and going for it, these now confident women can find love in the truest sense of the word and be treated the way they deserve. “Real love is a long, marination of qualities having to do with respect, admiration, appreciation, character, affection, cooperation, honor and sacrifice.” (p. 55) Dr. Laura upholds feminist beliefs that women have power. It is inside them and for most, have yet to be unleashed. She will not stand for women being subjugated by men, as they are equals. Her book promises to “open your eyes, startle you into awareness and smarten you up.” Hopefully, it succeeds making women realize their mistakes and rectify them accordingly or better yet, avoid these mistakes altogether and take the path that leads them to more fulfilling and happier lives… with or without men. References Corrigan, J. (2002). “Business of the heart: Religion and emotion in the 19th century.” Berkeley: University of California Press. McNeely, A., Knox, D., Zusman, M.,(2005) “College Student Beliefs About Women: Some Gender Differences”, College Student Journal, Vol. 39, Issue 4 Schlessinger, L., (1995) Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives, Harper Perennial (A Division of HarperCollins Publishers) Shields, S.A. (2007) “Passionate Men, Emotional Women: Psychology Constructs Gender Difference in the Late 19th Century”, History of Psychology, Vol. 10, No. 2, 92–110 Read More