How Men and Women Are Different Similar - Essay Example

Vincent says that sex for the male is a powerful urge, based on testosterone, which women are unable to experience and fully understand, because of lower testosterone levels in their blood. She also claims that the male sex drive is a terrifying ordeal and that as far as sexual relationships between men and women are concerned, especially during the dating process, women have more power. Vincent proves that men and women share many mutual problems, but according to her, in modern American society, it is harder to be a male, seeking for female approval. Led by her year and a half experience as a disguised man, she concludes that being a woman can be regarded as a privilege. Disguised as "Ned," Vincent entered an all-male world in which she joined a bowling league, dated women, worked as a door-to-door salesman, spent almost a month in a male catholic monastery, visited strip clubs and, to put the cherry on the top of the cake, joined a men-only therapy group. I her book, Vincent creates rich, experience-proof portraits of all the men she met in all these places and managed to describe male behavior in a very pictorial way. One should not forget though, that being a lesbian, she successfully separates sexuality from gender issues. It is fascinating how Vincent describes the internal reflections of this experiment on her self image. The result from censoring her emotions, while hiding under the mask of a male, was a deep psychological breakdown, a crisis of identity, which threw her into the depths of depression. Vincent's first daring act as a newborn male was to join a bastion of male friendship - she became a member of a local bowling team in a typical working-class Pennsylvania neighborhood. Her major problem was that she was a terrible bowler. Astonishingly, the men accepted her in the team. From this point on, her observations on the male world could begin. Among the first things to notice were the amazing generosity and support that they had. The bowling experience turned some of Vincent's perceptions about men being cruel and rejecting and women being warm and welcoming upside down. After nine months with the bowling team Vincent gained entrance to the inner sanctum of the masculine world. She found out that cursing and what seems to be verbal aggression among men is just a way for them to show affection for each another, without being too intimate. Her in-depth exploration of male friendship doesn't stop here. Unveiling the mystery of boys' nights out is one thing, but explaining the explicit nature of male sexuality is quite another. In order to gain a deeper understanding of the male sex drive, Vincent visited several strip clubs, accompanied by a male friend. She describes this experience as hellish. According to her, it was very demeaning for the strippers, but even worse for the men. Vincent says that the activities she witnessed there describe the essence of pure, male sex drive. Men who visit these clubs are completely depraved of any meaningful interaction, although naked women are dancing in their laps. Though she is attracted to women as a lesbian, she could never get sexually aroused from these visits. Vincent realized that there are major differences between male and female sexuality. According to her, female sexuality is a mental experience, while for a man, it is physical urge. This primitive urge can be a great disadvantage for men in modern society. Vincent claims that the act of simply hearing "no" from a woman can devastate a man. Women don't have to cope with the humiliating part of fighting for female approval. Men have to gather a lot of self esteem and courage, in order to cross the room and to introduce themselves to a total stranger who can easily degrade them in front of everybody by rejection. Saying the first words is a task which men are expected to fulfill and it is not a simple task. In most cases, she found out, saying those first words is very hard without sounding like a total jerk. If the opposite side is cruel enough, consequences can be very harmful for the male psyche. Vincent herself encouraged some cold shoulders in her attempts to meet single women at the bar. She also managed to arrange about 30 dates with women as Ned, using the Internet. Although Vincent had a great deal of fun during these dates, having to prove herself as "Ned" - the intelligent, compassionate and sensitive guy was humiliating. She was surprised to discover how many heterosexual women showed absolutely no interest in soft, vulnerable men. Initially, she had thought that the ideal man was a man's body combined with a woman's soul. Very soon she discovered that most single, heterosexual and dating women prefer an assertive, macho type of man. Vincent decided that the perfect end to her 18-month ordeal would be to join a men-only therapy group - a place where men were supposed to show their emotions, instead of conceiving them. Again, she saw that during their whole life men have to struggle with vulnerability. Society does not expect them to show their weaknesses. Men don't get to show affection, especially for each other. Very often these hidden and suppressed emotions result in rage and denial. This rage is often directed towards women. Vincent was shocked by the fantasies of physical abuse violent behavior which these troubled men shared. She felt empathic with the fear and stress they feel for lacking the opportunity to always be the strong provider. Some of the group members thought that Ned was gay, but no one suspected that she was a woman. She visited eight sessions, after which the group went on a weekend retreat, but Vincent's 18 months of being a fake man were closing in on her. Her own, personal experiences, described in the book, showed her that modern men are suffering. They share many different problems with women, Vincent says, but their problems don't seem to be any lighter. Vincent concludes that men need women's sympathy. They need women's love, and they need each other's friendship and support even more than anything else. Ironically, Vincent gets to the conclusion that it takes experiencing life as a man for a woman to fully appreciate the privilege of being a woman. A very popular book review, written by a man, and published in The New York Times in January 2006 says: ""Self-Made Man" turns out not to be what it threatens to be, a men-are-scum diatribe destined for best-seller status in the more militant alternative bookstores of Berkeley and Ann Arbor. Rather, it's a thoughtful, diligent, entertaining piece of first-person investigative journalism. Indeed, one of the great attributes of "Self-Made Man" is its lack of agenda or presuppositions. To be sure, Vincent's status as a woman is what makes her observations of male behavior fresh" (Kamp, 2006) Vincent's tone is regarded as thankfully, not conciliatory. Her work is described as a provider of a series of sociological observations that enhance societal awareness of what separates men and women. According to this article, the book has had its great success mainly because it overwrites the typical Hollywood cross-dressing manipulation that push the broad audience to surmise that the battle of the sexes can be easily explained by simply putting oneself in the shoes of the others. What Vincent is appreciated to find out in her work is a gender gap which seems to be even wider than anyone cares to admit. The New York Times review shows appreciation to Vincent's efforts not to use her revelations to produce a new feminist manifesto, ".. as she shows how women can be as presumptuous as men when it comes to understanding motivations and behavior." (Kamp, 2006) In my opinion, the most interesting part of the book is the one in which Vincent uses Internet dating services in order to make an in-depth exploration of heterosexual love. That is, only if you can call a lesbian disguised as a man, who tries to date women, heterosexual love, of course. The Internet part is rater indicative of Vincent's main point that dating and love, which are thought to be the easiest for a man, appeared to be the hardest. Of course, one has to read the whole book in order to find out why. Vincent is definitely not on a mission to degrade men. On the contrary - she describes male bonding as a delicate tenderness that never loses its masculinity and her observations on how real women love imperfect, macho men are deeply correct. She exposes the great suffering of men when they are denied women's approval and warmth, but she states that this suffering is even worse when they are deprived of their fathers' love and guidance. Vincent is politically correct to describe some of the injustices women throw on men, objectifying them in the very same manner as men judge and objectify women. She reprimands women for provoking male hostility themselves when assuming their emotional superiority status which closes down all attempts for communication. However, she states that both men and women hurt when they are lonely and equally need each other's approval. Men and women are longing to connect, and faults can be found in both sides of the gender barrier. Vincent's book is a journey into the male world which is not to be missed, especially if you are a woman. Perhaps you won't be surprised in reading any of the author's revelations, but they give a valuable insight into the opposite gender. Subjecting herself to an experiment such as this one, Vincent had no other mission but to be a good investigating journalist and to see what she could see, duly recording her thoughts and observations during the whole process. Throughout the whole book Vincent reveals her sympathy towards the men she meets, hiding under the mask of "Ned". Her sympathy is not necessarily a problematic one. What I found problematic in the whole book, however, was that Vincent's sympathy for the men comes only as an output of the psychological difficulties she had to face during her journey into manhood. The most amusing chapter of the book, in my personal opinion, revolves around her dating life, presenting herself as a male. There she describes many typical scenarios of women calling all the shots during the dating process and laying down numerous tests for the men without feeling the need to reciprocate themselves. If this book had been written by a man, the author would have been named "radical" and "sexist". References: Vincent, N. (2006) Self-Made Man: One Woman's Year Disguised as a Man. New York: Viking Adult Kamp, D. (2006) Male Like Me. The New York Times, Books. Retrieved March 11, 2007, from http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/22/books/review/22kamp.html Read More