Premartial Cohabitation and Marital Instability - Essay Example

Having a long engagement and an intimate relationship as fiancs does not guarantee success in marriage. Although fiancs may talk often and spend muchtime with each other, they may not know each other as well as they think they do. This is because the dating game is most often designed to conceal information and not disclose it. Both parties to a relationship would like to bring out their best in order t attract the other. Information such as embarrassing details, habits, flaws and temper are kept hidden, and the best traits are brought to the fore. This often results in the bride and groom having their personalised assumptions of how married life would be after the wedding. Conflicts would then arise after several weeks when both discover that their assumptions are different and they have differences on views about certain issues. These differences in views can result in arguments and emotional conflicts which were not expected during the period of courtship. According to Markman (1993) "The reality is that while couples may seem to get along "OK" and while a man and woman may be "in love," it takes more than love to build a lasting, satisfying marriage. It takes an understanding of each other and of the dynamics of intimate relationships as well as the ability to effectively use relationship skills. Couples that participate in marriage preparation seem to have a higher degree of marital satisfaction and a lower divorce rate." There are many beliefs that give false assurance to couples that their marriage would work out in the long run. Those who cohabitate before marriage believe that having lived together gives them an edge in their relationship, perhaps knowing as much about themselves and their partners even prior to exchanging vows. However, research has shown that couples who have lived together have higher chances of divorcing. The reasons for this are not well understood but it is possible that people who are willing to live together are also more willing to get divorced. Evidence shows that cohabitation also develops attitudes which make people more receptive to divorce, such as the attitude that the relationship is temporary and can be dissolved (DeMaris and Rao 2000). Other believe that having children strengthens relationships. Studies have shown that the most stressful period in marriage is after the first child is born. Although couples who have children together have decreased risk of getting divorced, the decrease in the risk factor is only much lower than the time when parents were more likely to stay within the marriage "for the sake of the children" (Pape 1992). It is also believed that children who grew up in broken homes are more cautious about marital relationships and are strongly determined to avoid the possibility of divorce. It is popularly believed that those from broken homes lead successful married lives similar to those who come from intact families. However, studies show that there is a higher rate of divorce among children from broken homes than those from intact families. An explanation to this is that children learn about marital commitment and stability from their parents and those who come from broken homes have their sense of commitment and permanence compromised by their parents' divorce (Amato 2001). According to Gottman, professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle, it is what is considered "mundane" in life that creates the love in marriage. The connections established by couples in the numerous "mindless" moments result in positive emotional climates. Gottman published his findings after 14 years following 670 couples and monitoring their bodily responses using video cameras and sensors. He can somehow predict whether a couple would stay together or separate after a 30-minute interview (Marano, 1997). Dr. David Schnarch, who together with his wife Dr. Ruth Morehouse, describes their counselling practice: "Our approach focuses on people's adult strengths rather than their childhood wounds because what's good and solid in us is what can change us--and our relationships. That's also the part of us that is truly capable of loving. We help people stop trying to get acceptance from their partner, and instead finally understand and accept themselves, because that's what makes it safe to love. We don't focus on communication skills per se because communication is no virtue if you can't stand the message or you can't stand truly being known. We focus on developing self-soothing and self-validation because these abilities let us speak and hear difficult truths We help couples develop themselves within their relationship rather than focus on compromise and negotiation, because compromise and negotiation sound great but they really kill sexual desire and passion." (Third Age interview with David Schnarch). The primary purpose of premarital counselling is to identify the respective assumption each person holds and to evaluate the areas where conflicts are likely to arise. According to Dobson (2000) among the questions a premarital counsellor may ask and which the couple would have to address are: Where will you live after getting married Will the bride work For how long Are children planned How many How soon How far apart Will the wife return to work after babies arrive How quickly How will the kids be disciplined Fed Trained What church will you attend Are there theological differences to be reckoned with How will your roles be different How will you respond to each set of in-laws Where will you spend Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays How will financial decisions be made Who will write the checks How do you feel about credit Will a car be bought with borrowed money How soon What kind How do you plan to manage sexual temptation before marriage If the bride's friends differ from the groom's buddies, how will you relate to them What are your greatest apprehensions about your fianc What expectations do you have for him/her(Dobson 2000) These are only a few of the questions that will be asked during the counselling sessions. Compatibility tests can also be administered to determine patterns of personality and temperament. It is not unusual to find shocking results in these tests, and couples sometimes decide to call off heir relationship after potential areas for conflict are revealed during the counselling process. Others use this as an opportunity to begin working on these potential conflict areas and gain increased confidence as they come closer to marriage. In general, both parties benefit from the process because they get to know each other better (Dobson 2000). According to the Barnabas Counseling Center, among the goals of marriage preparation are: Deepening understanding of self and one's partner (Including the effect of personality, family of origin, personal values and life experiences) Clarifying expectations, desires and goals Identifying the relationship's "work model" and understanding the implications Identifying strength and growth areas and formulating a plan for development Learning skills that can enhance a communication and conflict resolution as well as nurture intimacy (The goals listed are enumerated in the Barnabas Counseling Center Website). Aside from the premarital Preparation and Relationship Enhancement (PREPARE) to test compatibility, the center also uses the Myers-Briggs Indicator and the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis are used to determine patterns in personality. According to Lister (1997) most of the programs in premarital counselling have similar goals such as problem solving, creating intimacy and commitment to the relationship. "These skills can help couples deal with sexuality issues, financial management, marital roles and expectations and just about any situation a married couple might face." Counseling was formerly considered as an area of concern for married couples who have through time accumulated resentment and conflicts in their relationship. However, counselling has become increasingly acceptable and to some extent desired by unmarried couples. They use it as a tool to resolve conflicts ain their relationship or a means to prevent such conflicts from occurring. Therapists and other industry professionals have observed that young couples are pursuing premarital couples therapy more actively than older generations did. Clinical psychologist Dr. Diane H. Ranes that out of 35 clients per week, 10 to 15 couples are in their mid-20s to mid-30s who are either seriously dating or are living together. Few unwed couples came to her ten years before. Dr. Marion Solomon, a marriage therapist from the University of California, Los Angeles, said that to have at least one couple 15 years earlier would already have been a lot. Therapy is not only used by young couples for management of crisis, but also serve as validations or second opinions on their relationship. The length of therapy would vary from one couple to another, depending on the couple themselves, the therapist and the nature of the conflict. Those who grew up in the last two decades, the so-called "age of divorce" know only to well that relationships are unstable. This recognition of the instability of relationships has become part of contemporary wisdom and has encouraged many young couples to seek counselling so that what they have as children with divorced parents or have witnessed with families of relatives and friends would not happen to them. According to Dr. Ranes, young couples are also more concerned with empty and stagnant marriages rather than the prospects of hostile divorce, "When these are contrasted to the idealizations of marriage and love in our culture, the result is very high standards." Churches are increasingly involved and encouraging premarital counselling in their communities. Premarital counselling provides couples with the framework by which they can invest their time, energy, which are often neglected when it comes to the important aspect of married life. Couples who think they already know each other very well discover that there are certain issues that arise in marriage that they have not anticipated or avoid for various reasons. However, these issues have to be confronted and addressed. Premarital counselling helps equip couples for married life. It also makes couples comfortable with the process of talking over issues with a third party and this makes the partners more receptive in seeking outside help in addressing issues within their marriage. Some churches require that couples to undergo several weeks of premarital counseling before they can be wed. The first community to establish a Marriage Savers policy as this program is called, is Modesto California, and it enjoys the support of a large numbers of churches in the area. After 12 years, the program has 100 clergy representing 60 churches and it claims to have considerably reduced divorce in the community. Modesto, California divorce rate has fallen by thirty percent in the past 12 years from 6.2 divorces for every 1,000 residents to 4.4 percent for every 1,000. The Marriage Savers policy makes premarital counselling mandatory and it uses a written compatibility test called PREPARE or the premarital Preparation and Relationship Enhancement. So that pastors would be encouraged to become part of the program, Marriage Savers engages churches' married couples as "mentors" so that the load will not fall solely on the minister. The program also has a mandatory period of two months before a couple gets married. It also asks couples to refrain from any sexual relationship before they exchange vows and does not approve of cohabitation Dyer 1998). Warner (2003) wrote that a research which reviewed 23 studies on the effectiveness of premarital counselling showed that couples who participated in such programs strengthen their marriages by 30 percent compared to couples who do not join such programs prior to exchanging vows. Jason S. Carroll of Brigham Young University who conducted the research observed that ""After participating in these programs, couples reported or were observed to be better at resolving problems using effective communication styles, and on average, they reported higher levels of relationship quality. They feel a higher sense of partnership and report a higher level of adjustment to married life than couples who did not receive premarital education." (Warner 2003). According to researchers, couple should take th following steps to achieve a happier marriage: Participate in a formal premarital counseling and education program. Together, seek premarital advice from a counselor or religious leader. Complete a couple's assessment questionnaire to evaluate relationship strengths and challenges. Read a book together about how to build a successful marriage. (From Warner 2003) Carroll (In Warner 2003) also said that the motivation to make their marriages more fulfilling and successful of couples that go into prmarital counseling are the same as those who do not. Researchers advise that premarital counseling is a good investment for those who are commited to long-term relationships. "It also supports state legislation such as Minnesota's statute that gives a waiver of marriage license fees for couples who participate in a high-quality premarital education program". (Carroll in Warner 2003) Many states have adopted legislation encouraging premarital counseling. In Florida, couples are given reduced prices for marriage licenses if they participate in premarital counseling. This Florida law has also encouraged other states to follow, such as Minnesota, Arizona and Louisiana. The state requires couples to receive four hours of instruction on a variety of topics such as communication, parenting, fianncial responsibilities, and conflict reesolution. Florida also initiated the policy of requiring high school students to take courses in "marriage and relationship skill-based education". Couples who file for divorce must undergo a "Parent Education and Family Stabilization Course". However, these state programs have critics who claim that the effects of premarital counseling are unproven and that the provision of financial incentives are not fair. In Arizona and Louisiana, two states, the Covenant Marriage legislation gives couples the option of stricter divorce regulations. Among the features of this legislation is the requirment that couples undergo counseling before they can divorce. However, this legislation does not require couples to get premarital counseling. The Center for Marital and family studies of the University of Denver observed that couples that marry for the first time have a 50 percent chance odf getting divorced (Lister 1997). In the study conducted by the University of Denver, the divorce rate of couples after five years of marriage was lower for thosewho participated in the university's program (8%) compared to the 19 percent divorce rate among couples who did not participate. The participants were taught how to work as a team in resolving their problems and manage their conflicts without sacrificing closeness, love, commitment, and frinedship. The program also addressed commitment, communication and conflict management, or the three "Cs" which couples consider as the most important in a marital relationship. Natalie Jenkins, general manager for the Center for Marital and Family Studies, notes that, "We don't always communicate in the way we think we do. Men and women are fundamentally different, and it's finally OK to say that. The first step is just to be aware of differences, how we interpret behaviors differently. Then we teach skills on how to talk, how to listen, how to be aware of what we call filters." (Lister 1997) The university program employs its Speaker-Listener Technique wherein a speaker verbally conveys his feelings on an issue while holding a an object which serves as a physical symbol . The listener cannot interrupt the speaker and has to paraphrase what he or she thinks the speaker has said. This technique was designed to handle topics which are especially difficult to discuss. The speaker and listener then reverse roles during the conversation. Couples focus on one subject at a time and engage more in conversation than in actual problem-solving. This technique is now being offered nationwide by mental health professionals and clergy who have trained on the techniques. According to Charles Williams, a licensed psychologist, effective premarital counseling should include the following: "1) a list of each individual's strengths, 2)an honest assessment of each individual's shortcomings, 3) the current problematic issues the couple has faced while dating and engaged, 4) an in-depth history of both of their families of origin, 5) an understanding of the past and present problems in their own parent's marriages, 6) a clear description of how the couple currently solves conflicts, and 7) what the mandatory expectations and deal breakers are in the marriage. If these areas are thoroughly covered before the marriage, the probability of disillusionment decreases and the prospects for a healthy, happy marriage significantly improve." Premarital counseling had been offered since the 1940s. However, couples seldom availed of these services these past few decades. The reasons are varied, but more often, the attitudes of couples in the past years were ostly based on false assumption s about marriage and married life. These include beliefs such aslong courtships giving partners the opportunity to know each other better prior to matrimony. Long courtships and the process of courtship itself does not provide as much information about one's prospective partner. Courtship is designed to place a person's best foot forward and tends to hide information that may not be desirable. Even living in does not gurantee that a couple will have a fulfilled and lasting marrage. Cohabitation creates attitudes such as the relationship being temporary and would be easy to get out of. Such attitudes encourage divorce and separation. Others believe that having children would strengthen marriages. However, it had been revealed by studies that the most stressful period in amarriage occurs after the first child is born. Others are misled into believing that being "in love" is all that matters. Although it is such a romantic and appealing notion, the realituies of married life proves otherwise. Being "in love" does not make couples immune to the challenges and diffculties of marital life. The y must still face up to the challenges and resolve issues that confront them. Being unable to do so could spell the end to their marriage. Recent years have shown in an upswing of young couples seeking premarital counseling. Many of them are as fearful of being entrapped into empty and stagnant marriages as they are afraid of divorce. The charactersistics of those who seek preamrital counseling are no different from those who do not. Premarital counseling gives couples the ability to address issues. It equips them in the three important aspects of married life: communication, commitment and conflict management. Studies have shown that communities which have adopted programs requiring premarital counseling have heir respective divorce rates by 30 percent. Another study of couples who participated in a University of Denver counseling program showed that the incidence of divorce among couples after five years of marriage was only eight percent in contrast to the 19 percent divorce rate among couples who did not participate. Although more studies need to be undertaken to establish the benefits of premarital counseling in reducing divorce, most of the available evidence point psitively towards this direction. References: Amato, Paul R. (2001) What Children Learn From Divorce. Population Today, Washington, DC: Population Reference Bureau. DeMaris, Alfred and Rao, K. Vaninadha (1992) Premartial Cohabitation and Marital Instability in the United States: A Reassessment. Journal of Marriage and the Family 54: 178-190; Dobson, James (2000) Getting Married: Question and Answer. Troubled With, A website focused on the family. Excerpted from Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide by Dr. James Dobson, published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright 2000. Accessed 07 May 2006. Found at: http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public/%5C@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/twi_012782.cfmchannel=Transitions&topic=Getting+Married&sssct=Questions+and+Answers Dyer, Edwin (1998) Premarital counseling found to cut divorce rate. Post-Gazette.com. Accessed on May 8, 2006. Found in: http://www.post-gazette.com/regionstate/19980327bsavers2.asp Lister, Priscilla (1997) Premarital counselling can lower the odds of divorce. The Jewish News Weekly of Northern California. Accessed on May 9, 2006. Found at: http://www.jewishsf.com/content/2-0-/module/displaystory/story_id/5366/edition_id/99/format/html/displaystory.html Marano, Hara Estroff (1997) Rescuing Marriages Before They Begin. The Coalition of Marriage, Family and Couples Education. Accessed on May 9, 2006. http://www.smartmarriages.com/marano.html. Markman, Renick, Floyd, Stanley, & Clements, 1993. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61, 70-77. Pape, Carolyn. Cowan and Philip A. Cowan, When Partners Become Parents: The Big Life Change for Couples. New York: Basic Books. Premarital Counseling. Barnabas Center. Accessed on May 8, 2006. Found at: http://www.barnabascounseling.com/templates/cla21gr/details.aspid=26228&PID=129038 Premarital Counseling: A Cure for Divorce Accessed on May 9, 2006. To the Contrary. PBS Website. http://www.pbs.org/ttc/society/premaritalcounseling.html Premarital Counseling and Weddings. Vineyard church Ann Arbor Website. Accessed on: May 9, 2006. Found at: http://www.annarborvineyard.org/ministries/premarital_counseling.htm Third Age. Find Yourself in a Passionate Marriage: An Interview with Dr. David Schnarch. http://www.thirdage.com/features/love/valentine/index.html Warner, Jennifer (2003) Premarital Counseling Builds Better Union. WebMD Medical News. Reviewed ByMichaelSmith,MD on Friday, April 04, 2003. Accessed on May 8, 2006. Found at: http://www.webmd.com/content/article/63/71928.htmlastselectedguid={5FE84E90-BC77-4056-A91C-95317 Williams, Charles. Premarital Counseling Decreases Disillusionment. Accessed May 9, 2006. http://www.dunwoodypsychologists.com/Articles/Premarital%20Counseling%20Decreases%20Disillusionment.htm Wolff, Zoe (2005) Going to the Therapist En Route to the Altar. New York Times, Health Section, June 15, 2005 issue. Accessed on May 7, 2006. Found in: http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.htmlres=990DE0DC163BF935A25755C0A9639C8B63&sec=health Read More