The Scope of Friendship Between Homosexual and Straight Individuals - Research Paper Example

To understand the axiom ‘sex and friendship don’t mix’ we must first appreciate what we mean by the terms “love” and “friendship” and how they are similar and diverse from each other. Let us first look at the similarities; both are based on interpersonal relationships and have a quantity of emotions and trust built into them. Friendship has been termed as the “crown jewel” (Griffin & Winstead 2001: 481) of all human relationships. It is a voluntary liaison that people engage in that is free from family responsibilities or the emotional pressures of romantic relations and usually lasts a life time. Friendship is based on mutual trust, affection, common and shared interests, beliefs and hobbies. A friend can loosely be termed as a companion and/or an associate and the relationship can vary in degrees of intimacy between those who share the friendship. There have been divergent views on friendship through the ages. The treatment of Aristotle’s philia has been varied depending on age and clime. In ancient times friendship usually existed between men and was based on a relationship of honesty, trust and loyalty. Being a good and trusted friend was a point of honor; something to brag about. A friend was expected to be a peer, mentor and a guide; all rolled into one. A friend was one you chose and one who would render service and advice out of goodwill and affection without any expectations of money or quid pro quo? In other words to quote Cicero: “Friendship can only exist between good men.” The outward demonstration of friendship too is different in different parts of the world. In the eastern hemisphere friends are more explicit with their gestures and holding hands or hugging each other in public is not proscribed. However, in the western world open and overt gestures to demonstrate friendliness, particularly between male friends, is considered taboo. Friendship between women for some strange reason was traditionally considered inferior to male friendship. Popular sentiment holds that women tend to gravitate more towards other women when under stress and have been found to have more intimate friendships than men (Axinia 2007). Love, like friendship, deals with human emotions and interpersonal relationship between two or more individuals. The spectrum of love is wide and can range from platonic, spiritual, familial, brotherly and passionate/erotic love. Love can exist without friendship but friendship cannot exist without love. Love is demonstrated in a deep caring for an individual and exhibiting an intimacy that is beyond the scope of friendship. Love can prompt people to do heroic deeds and can also goad persons to commit the most heinous crimes. Love can often engender jealousy and rivalry and at the same time love can also impel people to make the most selfless sacrifices for the loved ones. Notable example of such passion as can be evoked by love are the stories Othello and Desdemona- in which jealousy got the better of Othello’s sense of justice, fair-play and trust in his relationship with his once beloved wife Desdemona. On the other hand the instance of sacrificing his right to the throne of England was King Edward VIII and his selfless love and commitment towards Mrs. Simpson. Love then is different from friendship in perhaps, the degree of intimacy and intensity it generates between the parties that are involved in the relationship. To deal with the more involved question of whether or not men and women can be just friends requires a deeper study into the relationship and a sensitive insight into what people make of such relationships. Many would argue that a totally platonic relationship between a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman is not possible and that the element of romance or sex creeps into the relationship at some point or the other. However, that may not always be the case. Friendship is based on understanding and the freedom to vent frustrations and secrets to another person without worrying about the fallout or the emotional stress that it might cause. For instance, a woman finds it easier to open her heart to another girl-friend and talk about her troubles, worries or fears rather than confide in her spouse about the same anxieties. Similarly, men though may talk less to their intimate friends in comparison to women, find it easier to share activities and views with other male friends in a more casual and carefree fashion. Though gender divide is a powerful factor in determining the intensity of the man-woman friendship, this is by no means an uncommon phenomenon in the modern society. In earlier days because of societal barriers men and women did not get the opportunity to mix freely and when they did it was usually under circumstances that encouraged feelings of romance and women tended to seek security in the belief that friendship between a man and a woman could only culminate in marriage. That was when the society was divided strictly between the roles assigned to males and females and their respective domains and according to the responsibilities they had towards their families and the society. It was the prerogative of the men folk to go out and earn a living and take care of the women and the family. Women would stay at home and take care of the children and run the home diligently. It was almost impossible for men and women to mix freely and share common topics of interest which led to a certain tension and a casual relationship of pure friendship was very rare. In contemporary society where women enjoy equal rights as men, women and men work together and are thrown more into each other’s company in the work space, academic institutions and have the opportunity to share common interests, sports and other hobbies. As there are greater opportunities for meeting up with people of the opposite sex and people are allowed to spend more time in the other's company they are not pressured into having to justify the friendship. Though in some cases cross-sex friendship may necessitate more clarifications and also be the cause of jealousy, especially if the friends were married. However, society is now far more liberal and open to accepting friendships between individuals of the opposite genders; it is not uncommon to have friends belonging to the opposite sex. Cross-gender friendships are more common among men, either married or otherwise (Winstead & Griffin 2001: 486) as they have more opportunity to develop cross-gender relationships. Age, marital status and opportunity makes cross gender friendships more challenging for women. Nora Ephron’s story When Harry Met Sally, is a great example to answer the interesting question of whether a man and a woman can just be friends? This film, directed by Rob Reiner, is an attempt to show in a humorous way that men and women can go through long friendships without getting involved sexually or emotionally. Harry’s assertion that "Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way" is sharply refuted by Sally. However, in the end harry marries Sally as they have fallen in love but that stage was reached after almost twelve years of maintaining platonic relationship with each other. Oscar Wilde expresses similar sentiments in this line from Lady Windermere’s Fan: “Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.” However, this is Wilde’s opinion and there may be room for debate when you consider that Wilde himself was homosexual and could not possibly have held a very objective view of man- woman relationships. It is the endeavor of this research paper to look at this enigma objectively and treat it without bias or involve preconceived notions in the process of investigating this topic. Gender clustering in adolescent and adult social network groups has been researched by Deirdre M. Kirke in her article Gender clustering in social network: some sociological implications (2009: 23-6) Her findings suggest that gender homophily is exhibited amongst adolescents and adults in a complete social network. According to a similar experiment conducted by McBride and Field (1997) it was found that in adolescents friendship tended to gravitate more towards same sex friendship for girls and the opposite was true for boys. Girls felt more at ease in their interactions with female partners while the boys exhibited a more playful and relaxed behavior in their interactions with girls rather than with other boys. In a similar experiment conducted by Linda Sapadin, members of both genders held similar views about an ideal friendship but their treatment of real time friendship varied significantly. It was also observed that both men and women carry their adolescent traits into adulthood, which means that women bonded more closely with other women and had more intimate interactions with them than they had with members of the opposite sex and displayed a greater emotional interdependence than men. The reverse was, however, true of men. They shared a more relaxed and comfortable interaction with women rather than with other men within the same sampling. Adult women found conversing about personal things, sharing thoughts and feelings more interesting than men who felt that topical subjects and more activity based topics like sports were more interesting in comparison to personal topics. This experiment also discovered that both genders preferred to keep sexual relationships and friendship at different planes. In a few cases Sapadin found that working women considered their cross-sex friends condescending (Winstead and Griffin 2001: 486). However, both groups admitted that opposite sex friendships gave them greater insight and a different perspective of the opposite gender. Same sex friendships provide a comfort zone for most women and men likewise. Researchers have found that women enjoyed same sex friendship and found them stronger and more “rewarding” (Winstead and Griffin 2001: 484) because there was more sharing, caring and acceptance of each other in same gender friendship as compared to cross-gender friendship. According to Michael Monsour, both men and women describe trust, self-disclosure, emotional expressiveness, support and physical contact as definitive of intimacy in same-gender friendships. Similarly in cross-gender friendship intimacy is defined in almost the same way except that physical contact does not feature as openly in cross-sex friendship as it does in same-sex friendships. It was found, however, that men were more forthcoming about accepting that sexual contact was an aspect of intimacy in cross-gender relationships. In the case of homosexuals, until even a decade ago, friendships of this kind would most definitely have been discriminated against or at the very least, be actively discouraged. However, people find it easier to express their affinities now than they did before and we see this pattern being replicated in straight friendships also. The preoccupation with detecting sexual overtures in same-gender and cross-gender friendship is posing a serious question for those who are single and also those who have consecrated their lives to religious causes. The issue here is not tracing sexual content in friendship but suggesting that “pure” friendship is almost a non-existent phenomenon and men and women in society do not value friendship for friendship’s sake and there is no friendship that is devoid of sexual interaction. This is an interpretation of the situation that one is apt to take in the present world scenario. This opens grave concerns of ethics and morality in the society and can encourage polarity of opinions (Grossi 1997). Saint Augustine’s hypothesis on friendship was based on human psychology and with a view to the element of the “heart” that was involved in seeking friendship. He stated that friendship to him was “sweet to me above all sweetness in my life.”(Augustine 1860: 69) and that friendship whether same-sex or cross-sex was essentially good and carried a high value in terms of human relationships and was strongly endorsed by the church. He credited friendship with as much importance as the need for freedom and association with other humans as being the most elementary human need. Therefore casting aspersions or raising suspicions about friendship was a decadent way of looking at basic human relationships that help develop and nurture the human spirit (Grossi 1997). Let us turn our focus to the more intricate aspect of homosexual friendship patterns being replicated in heterosexual relationships and the scope of friendship between homosexual and straight individuals. Dr. Irene S. Levine reveals how this point is debatable as it is difficult to assign definite characteristics to this kind of friendship; platonic or otherwise. Let us take the example of confusion felt by a gay woman who had a straight friend in a much younger colleague. She admitted to feelings of jealousy towards her friend’s male companions but was uncertain whether it was her possessive nature that was responsible for her jealousy or whether she was actually attracted to this younger woman. Eventually their friendship was broken because of this uncertainty which could have been resolved perhaps if they had given each other more space and had more open and transparent communication about each other’s feelings. According to Dr. Irene S. Levine, sexual orientation is a personal choice and has very little to do with friendship. This can be further elaborated by the example of a gay man who had close friendships with two straight male friends (Hartinger 2009). He comments that it is far easier for a gay guy to bond with a straight man as in most cases the sexual tension is more relaxed and there is greater scope for filial love and feelings of brotherhood in such relationships. However, the downside to this kind of friendship is that sometimes straight men are averse to talking about the personal life or relationships of their gay friends, which can result in the gay friend feeling, ignored and left-out. In some cases gay men take refuge in female company as women friends can be less daunting and more supportive once they are sure that there is no threat from the male friend. Gay guys may feel more comfortable in discussing their emotional needs and their unique style of communication, demeanor and personality with women and feel that they can understand their vulnerability and reciprocate their sensitivity. In the case of people who call themselves “bi-curious” and are confused about their sexual orientation, forming lasting friendships depends on what the parties’ value more: companionship or desire. Even though labeling oneself as heterosexual, homosexual or bi-sexual may be a personal choice the basic tenets of friendship remain. Famous psychoanalyst, Sigmund Freud would probably argue that no relationship is without sexual connotation, not even the relationship which exists between mother and son and between father and daughter. Oedipus and/or Electra complex is present even at a sub-conscious level and governs all our relationship choices and is observed in our outward behavior. If that be the case then it is pretty neigh impossible to escape sexual attraction between individuals of opposite sexes. So it should not be judged as the single most important factor in an individual’s choice of friends. To feel nascent attraction for a member of the opposite sex is not the issue, what is important is how you channelize that attraction and how careful you are in averting hurtful experiences for your friend and how emotionally mature you are. True and abiding friendship helps to improve an individual’s health and sense of well-being. In the words of Cicero, friendship is defined as “a complete accord on all subjects human and divine, joined with mutual goodwill and affection.” Friendships can exist and do exist between same-sex entities and cross-sex individuals. There may be moments when you can feel attracted to your best friend and that is okay because it is usually a fleeting emotion and when you recover from it your friendship comes out stronger and more balanced and can stand the test of time. Being married or being committed does not inhibit one from having either same-sex or cross-sex friendships at all. These are not mutually exclusive relationships and in fact having a dependable friend can help ease the tensions of a marital life. Similarly, having an understanding and cooperative spouse can help uphold ties with friends and create a more conducive environment that is beneficial to all parties concerned. Friendship is more about feeling comfortable and relaxed in each other’s company and not being pressured by pent up emotions and catastrophe. Friendship frees one from limiting factors like sex, jealousy, unrequited feelings and heart-break. Friendship fosters openness and confidentiality between individuals, there are no secrets and friends tend to stick up for each other even if they don’t always agree about the same things. It is about respect and leaving space for individual growth and not being overly possessive and demanding. Friendship is like a breath of fresh air when you’re feeling stifled or like an invigorating cup of coffee when you are freezing and tired. Friendship is a panacea for all ailments of the heart and is the only cure for the disease called loneliness. Work Cited Augustine (1860), in William Shedd (ed.), Confessions of Augustine, Warren F. Draper, Andover. Axinia (2007), “Female Friendship”, at , downloaded 27 May 2010. Cicero, T. M., “Cicero on Friendship: A Summary”, at < http://department.monm.edu/classics/courses/clas210/coursedocuments/cicero_on_friendship_a_summary.htm>, downloaded 27 May 2010. Grossi, V. (1997), “Christian Anthropology and Homosexuality – 5: Sexuality and Friendship in Early Christianity”, L’Osservatore Romano, p. 10. Hartinger, B. (2009), “Straight guys (and their gay best friends)” at < http://www.afterelton.com/blog/brenthartinger/straight-guys-gay-best-friends>, downloaded 27 May 2010. Kirk, D. (2009), “Gender clustering in friendship networks: some sociological implications”, Methodological Innovations, pp. 1-15. Levine, I. S. (2009), “Gay/Straight Friendship: Is It Possible?”, The Huffington Post at < http://www.huffingtonpost.com/irene-s-levine/gaystraight-friendship-is_b_244049.html>, downloaded 26 May 2010. McBride, C. & Field, T. (1997), “Adolescent same-sex and opposite-sex best friend interactions”, Adolescence, 32(127), pp. 515-522 Monsour, M., “Cross-Sex Friendship”, Blackwell Encyclopedia of Sociology Online at < http://www.sociologyencyclopedia.com/public/tocnode?id=g9781405124331_chunk_g97814051243319_ss1-167>, downloaded 27 May 2010. Sapadin, L. A. (2008), “Gender and Friendships: Hers and His, Same-Sex and Cross-Sex”, Educational Resources Information Center at < http://www.eric.ed.gov/ERICDocs/data/ericdocs2sql/content_storage_01/0000019b/80/1e/63/be.pdf>, downloaded 27 May 2010. Winstead, B. and Griffin J. (2001), “Friendship Styles”, in J. Worell (ed.), Encyclopedia of Women and Gender, Academic Press, Boston, pp. 481-492. Worell, J. (2001), Encyclopedia of Women and Gender, Academic Press, Boston. Read More