Possible Misunderstandings on the Ethiopian Marriage - Essay Example

?My is Meheret Hadelo Halabo and I met my husband, Greg Brown, on an internet-dating site on July 7, 2007. After a short acquaintance we got attracted to each other and he indicated that he wanted to marry me and told me that he would come over on my birthday. He came to Ethiopia in May 2008 and after seeing each other we celebrated my birthday. He was introduced to my parents and immediate friends. Together we visited historical places. Three weeks later he returned and started the process to bring me over. And we decided to get married on June1, 2009, a week after my arrival, as this was the second anniversary of our knowing each other. However, we had a minor misunderstanding on the day of the marriage and I refused to eat breakfast in the morning. But he forced food into my mouth and forced me to drink and choked my neck. After marriage his attitude started to change and he argued over issues big or small. Every time we argued he cursed saying that Ethiopians are poor, liars, thieves and whores. One day, after I finished preparing dinner at home, we agreed that I brew coffee and an argument started. And I told him I was not going to brew coffee the ceremonial way as we do in Ethiopia as this would take a lot of time and moreover, we were not in a good mood. He shouted ordering me to brew coffee and jostled me around. He pushed me into the kitchen and forced me to make coffee and forced me to prepare coffee. After I prepared coffee he ordered me to clean the kitchen right then. But, as I was forced to make the coffee, I refused to clean the kitchen and went to bedroom to sleep. He pulled me out of the bedroom and sat me in the corridor. I rose up and told him that I wanted to go to sleep. He laid my head on the floor of the corridor and poured cold ice water over my head. Again I rose up and wanted to go into the bedroom to sleep. He shouted and pushed me around me around and said that I am not permitted in the bedroom and that my place is in the bathroom. Eventually I went in and slept. On another day after grocery shopping, we wanted Injera. We went to an Ethiopia restaurant and ordered a carryout of Doro Wot and Kitfo. He started cursing saying that he is not being served timely because he is not an Ethiopian. I picked a flyer advertising a fashion show night and looked at it and he also did the same. He continued cursing saying “you whores, this tells you are whores”. I told him I have no interest in talking but he continued saying you beggars, you do not have anything to eat. Then I told him that I did not come because Ethiopia is poor and that I did not have anything to eat. I told him that I came to live a happy/peaceful married life with him. He continued his rough/rude ways and asked me to go back to my country. Finally the carry out was ready and we come home and as we prepared to eat he continued by saying, that Ethiopia is poor and that America gives millions of dollars to Ethiopia. He brought his laptop and as he talked started the internet. Then I said to him, you keep speaking badly about Ethiopia but I will fall back to my tradition. We Ethiopians do not argue while we are eating and I will not enter into conversation with you. When I said this, he snatched the food I was eating and dumped in into the garbage including his portion. He then went to the refrigerator and pulled out food and threw it in the garbage, He then asked me, “what else do you want me to throw into the garbage?” I told him that I never asked him to throw anything and to keep me out of this. Do you want me to take it out? He asked. I told him I have no say as I did not have any say when he threw the food away. Then he went and pulled out the packaged foods and put them in the sink. He took the Doro Wot and Kitfo out from the garbage. I went and sat by the sofa. He brought the Doro Wot and Kitfo and sat it by my foot and said, here eat it if you want. Then he picked the food including the hot pepper and started spreading it on my hair, my eyes, my face, my neck, my breast. I stood up to go to wash but he blocked me and pushed me back on to the sofa. Then I picked my phone and took his picture. He snatched it from me. Then I took the camera that was on the table and started taking pictures. He took the camera away from me and deleted the pictures and those on my phone as well. I then proceeded to go out but he shoved me back on the sofa. I picked the food that was by my foot side and spread it on his face. He went to the bathroom to wash it off. I picked my purse and ran out and came to the nearby gas station. I begged the attendant to get me a cab and he did. As I was going to the cab, a neighbor of ours who is also from Ethiopia come running to the station. My husband had told him to look for me saying I had run away. I told the Ethiopian neighbor that I was going to my husband’s parents’ house and the taxi started driving off. As I did not know exactly where I was going, I asked the cab driver to call my husband and ask him for his parents’ address. My husband gave him his own address only. I asked the cab driver to take me to Sneivil and I would try to find my husband’s parents’ home. However, I was not able to find the house and the cab brought me back to my house. My husband’s car was gone and I sat on the porch and waited. When my husband came back, I asked him to take me to his parent’s house. He gave me back my phone and took me to his parent’s house. I told his mother and showed her how he spread me with the hot pepper. I spent the night with his parents. On the morning, my husband had an appointment with a counseling doctor. They asked if I would talk on the phone with the doctor or if it would be preferable to do it the following day. I agreed to have it the following day. We chatted with his father and mother and then we returned to our home with my husband. The following day on Tuesday, my husband, his mother, and I went to doctor. The doctor told us that he has an ailment of paranoia and that his thinking is not normal. He takes Seroquil medication to stabilize his thinking. I told the doctor that I was not aware of this and that all this is news to me, and then she told me that I would hear more and all about it when we go to see the psychiatric doctor. After this counseling session we fought even more. My knowledge about his illness and the fact that he was on medication was revealed to me only this late. His mother and his friends repeated the story to me that he has this ailment. Then, when we saw the psychiatric doctor, the doctor explained to me that the illness that my husband has is not curable and he will stay on the medication. The doctor gave me a small book titled, “Living with Bipolar People” and we left for home. Prior to us visiting the psychiatrist, my husband’s mother had called the doctor and had told him that her son’s behavior had changed; therefore, the doctor called Greg and increased the dose for Seroquil from 200mg to 300mg. In Feb. 2008, while I was living in Ethiopia, Greg was hospitalized for one week for the same illness. I had no communication with him during this period. His mother, his sister, his supervisor, and all his friends emailed me that Greg was in the hospital because of pressure from his being overworked. None of them told me his real health issue. Greg also told me after that he was alright. But after I arrived here, his friend and mother told me that his admittance in the hospital was in relation to the real illness that I didn’t know. The medication that he was on has its own issue. He would wake up in the middle of the night looking for food. He would leave the kitchen in a mess. Every now and then, he talks and screams in his sleep. He also beats on my head and kicks my legs so hard. He grips me and shoves me. He is not aware of what he is doing all the time. Sometimes, however, he wakes up and is aware of what took place and says he is sorry. Some other times, after we are all awake in the morning, he remembers that he had beaten me. Many times, he shouts and curses me when he sees Ethiopians and then we get into a fight. He has jealousy. The fight continues. He tells me to marry them and go live with them. Sometimes, when we are home and his sisters are visiting, he tells them that I have not showered. He laughs at this. He tells his sisters that in my country, the homes, the cars, and everything stinks. When he sees a car that smokes in here, he laughs saying it reminds him of Ethiopia. I relate this to the doctor every time we visit her. I also tell her that I feel inferior and like a prisoner. I also told the same thing to his mother. He wants me to do only things that he wants and if I say wait he doesn’t heed - he wants me to do it immediately. He gets mad at me when I speak on the phone and orders me to stop. He wants me to translate every phone conversation I have with my sister in Amharic as I speak. He doesn’t want to wait till I finish. I would stop my conversations and translate to him because I know he will snatch the phone away from me otherwise. He checks my email before I read it, otherwise no Internet for me. We fight over my emails over his questions like “Who is it?”, “What is it?” and “Why?” Since our Internet is a wireless service, he takes the wireless device with him when he goes out of the house. He hides the cord so that I don’t get on to the music on the computer. He gets my phone service cut off whenever he feels like doing so. He hides the body lotion and washing soap. He locks the windows in the car and suffocates me with his cigarette smoke. He drives at high speed and hits on the brakes to make me collide. He unbuckles my seat belt and swings the car left and right causing me to bump against the sides of the car. In the house, sometimes he tells me that I am not allowed to be in the rooms and shoves me out onto the bathroom. He tells me that I am not allowed in other rooms because I don’t deserve it. Some day when I am using the bathroom, he won’t give me my privacy. He doesn’t let me close the door nor does he get out. He tells me that we do not have bathrooms in my country and that we do it in the open, in the field, so it is ok to stand there. He says, you have started the use of bathrooms only since you have come here to the U.S. I hold on until he goes out of the house or is preoccupied on the phone before I can use the bathroom in privacy. Sometimes, I get a stomach ache. I used to get it in Ethiopia as well and I have told him before. I told him that I saw tape worm in my stool. He told me it is from food that I ate in Ethiopia. He said, “The food you eat is not healthy. You have to wait until all the food clears out from your system. There is no need to go to hospital”. He refuses to get me medication. He sees that tape worm has multiplied and that the worms exit on their own. He sees to it that each time I go to the bathroom I clean-up afterwards. He tells me to wait and does not let me be seen by the doctor, whereas he will see the doctor for himself even for a minor cold. When we go to see the doctor when he got cold, he never allowed me to see the doctor for me. When he finishes, he gets me some drug to suppress my condition but not rid the tape worms. He intentionally messes up the home and when I straighten things up, we fight because he says it has not been done properly. “You are not allowed to work or go to school. You have to stay at home all the time”, he tells me all the time. Regarding school he tells me all that I need to know is being a good homemaker. And about work he tells me that his income is sufficient. Moreover, Americans are not finding jobs these days and if you ever get a job the money will have to be under my account. There is nothing you need, so stay at home. One day, we went to church (Ethiopian). While there, he said that the pastor was teaching that Ethiopians are good and all others are bad. On the way out we fought. He said that I was trying to hide my wedding ring and that we come here for another purpose. We fought over this. There was a conference on the next day. We went, and while we were seated, he said that my hands always have to be on my knee, my wedding ring visible to all. For every moment of my hand, he would tell the persons sitting next to us that I am trying to hide my wedding ring. After we left, we come to a restaurant and ordered food and drinks. When the drinks come, he said I cannot drink the coke I ordered but only water. He got up and started wrestling me, and when I hid away my drink he dumped his drink/orange juice on my plate. I couldn’t eat after that. He continued to eat his food. Then he started telling the people around, that I am an Ethiopian, and that Ethiopians are liars and thieves. I walked away to the door and waited for him to finish eating and then we left for our home. In general, his family and friends know that we have these problems as I keep telling them about it. Many times, because of the drug he takes, he doesn’t wake up on the sound of the alarm in the morning. I wake him up myself but he goes into another room and continues to sleep. When he eventually wakes up, he blames me for not awaking him up. He tells me he doesn’t know what he would do to me if he loses his job as a result of my failure to wake him up and we end up fighting. I get to sleep only when he goes out to work. Since I am afraid of him, I don’t get good sleep in the night. Many times, he does not let me go to sleep, early or late unless he wants to. When he stays late, I sometimes fall asleep on the sofa. He always shakes me, wakes me, and reminds me that I cannot go to sleep unless he is ready to do so. As I get very scared of him. I sometimes sneak out of the bedroom while he is sound asleep and watch a movie in another room. Since we see the doctor at least once a week, I always tell her all. Greg tells me to take off my clothing if he doesn’t like it. Even though he agrees to stop many of the things that the doctor advises him, he does not follow-up. The doctor had told us to separate our bedrooms when I told her that I am scared of him. We had separated for a little while, more than a week. He was also forcing me to officially change my name. He called me Abigail. I had agreed to change that one time but when he started telling me that he does not want to hear Ethiopian name and Ethiopian music also which is bad language for him, I refused to change my name. The first thing that we have to do is resolve our entire problems, I suggest. I tell him “I am Ethiopian and you know it. In short, I do not want to hear anything about Ethiopia from you. Let us solve our problems and then I can change my name”. After saying that, he said he would not apply for my immigration papers, and that he would have me returned back to my country unless I change my name. Originally, he said he would apply for my papers without the change of my name. But later, he flipped back again and said my first name has to be legally changed before applying. I told him again that we should resolve our problems before I change my name. Read More