Definition of Shame, Unforgettable Shame and Self perception - Essay Example

?Section Theory 1 Definition of Shame, Unforgettable Shame and Self perception Shame is considered to be a universal human emotion that can strongly influence the way an individual perceives and responds to certain situations in his/her life. Theorist and psychologists frequently imply emotions as an influential force in social process. In general, most of the scholars and writers define shame as a painful self-conscious emotion with unique physiological or behavioural urges, self-focused attention, and threat, not only felt to their core self but they have different responses to shame felt. Kaufman (1993a, pp.5-6) defines shame as wound within inner self which is deeply disturbing to the self, causing the sickness within the self and the soul which always leads to the feelings of inferiority. This view has been supported in the work of Evans (1994, p.103) who states, “with shame there is a sense of inferiority in which the other is perceived as more powerful and capable of inflict injury on the self, usually via scorn, contempt, or humiliation”. Jane Middelton-Moz (1990, p.xii) and Holly Vanscoy (2006) both have written that “the hurt emotion feeling arise from the consciousness of something embarrassment, humiliation, dishonourable, unacceptable, ludicrous etc done by oneself or another”. In my opinion, the individual who faced shame always perceives him or herself as flawed, unwanted, neglected, surplus, or fundamentally broken. Nearly every human being experience shame at some point in his or her life. Most of shame stories in their lives become the unforgettable one. The unforgettable rather haunting shame memory follows people throughout their lives. Shame incident might have happened a long time ago, but memory remains even after years. Sometimes the individual becomes very successful in the country or in the community, but the memory of unforgettable shame keeps clinging to even the developed and successful self. During the research, there were numerous instances when I found a general agreement of psychologists and therapist about the idea that adult personality is greatly influenced by early childhood experiences. Those who experienced shame during early childhood time period could never let their memory of the incident go forever. It remains and leaves extremely powerful impact on adult self perception. For understanding shame in childhood and its manifestation in adulthood in the form of low self-esteem, we need to understand the concept of ‘self’ itself. Self is fundamental part of Carl Rogers’s personality theory. He refers to it as, “the organized, consistent set of perceptions and beliefs about oneself.”Self is a humanistic term that describes us as person. It is not only influenced by a person’s experiences throughout life but also the interpretation of these experiences. Major factors that influence human self concept are: childhood experiences and evaluation by others (cited in McLeod, 2007). Bradshaw’s idea of a toxic shame seems to be intriguing in this regard. He (1990, p. 47) wrote it as “the feeling of being flawed and diminished and never measuring up”. The strong inner emotions and feelings of being insufficient, neglected, inadequate, defective and unwanted keep haunting the individual. Bradshaw (1990, p. 47) further attributes the toxic shame as a nucleus of the wounded child around which he or she keeps revolving. For instance, the individual, who faced traumatic or hurtful experience during their childhood which they could not forget all the way through their life are called wounded child and prone to shame. According to Adler, a neglected child has never known love and cooperation in the home; therefore, he finds it very difficult to develop these abilities as an adult. They do not know how to gain affection and respect from other people. As adults usually they are cold and hard (Frager, R. & Fadiman, J., 1998. p. 111-112). The shamed self is considered to be unable to cope with the difficult situation. As an object of scorn, humiliation, contempt, ridicule, disgust, or rejection, those troubled with a shame reaction can feel self-conscious, powerless, fragile, and paralysed (Harder & Lewis, 1986, p. 89). As Kaufman (1993a, p.17) states, “shame is felt as an inner torment, it is the most poignant experience of the self by the self”. Consequently, it is evident that the feeling of shame is a deep emotional suffering within oneself. It inflicts bitter internal pains which leaves the person feeling miserable, heartbroken, and depressed for long time and gives birth to negative self perception. How the individual perceives him or herself or what people think about him or herself will influence the individual’s self perception. Adult level of achievement and self fulfilment is closely associated with self perception. 1.2 Theories about Shame Shame has been ignored entirely for years and never been the topic of interest for scientific research and psychological theorists. According to Kaufman (1993a, p.4) there are two reasons for which it has been abandoned before. Firstly, it seems to be remained a taboo in society. Secondly, there was inadequate language to perceive, describe, and establish it into meaningful relationship indefinable of human affects. I strongly support Kaufman’s stance on shame remains under taboo because in this modern day especially in my culture, Malay, shame is considered as something forbidden to discuss because it is seen as a family pride. Sometimes to the extent that talking about one’s experiences are banned. In this scenario, it becomes nearly impossible to explore the issues associated with the feeling of shame. During early developmental years of psychological concepts, Freud’s gave little attention to shame and remained more focused on guilt feeling. Freud might have ignored the feeling of shame, but we cannot absolutely deny his contributions to the discussion of shame. In his book about Studies on Hysteria he used the word shame which referred to the emotion of shame as one of the affects. Adler’s concepts of human search for prestige and respect, and his well-known theory of the inferiority complex are some of the ideas based on understanding of shame. Cooley also associates the prestige and respect as central to human while focusing on the pride-shame axis. Also, the concept of inferiority complex can be seen as a formulation about “chronic low self-esteem” or to put it more directly, “chronic shame”. Adler never used the idea of shame directly in his work. His theory of personality refers that children experiencing lack of love and attention during the key periods of their growth and development would become adults with either a drive for power or an inferiority complex. The theory can be reiterated concisely in terms of a theory of shame and the social bond that implies children lacking the essential safe bonds can turn out to be the adults whose affects are predominately by passed (drive for power) or overt shame (inferiority complex) (Lewis, 1971 cited in Kaufman, 1993a, p. 8). Similarly, while considering the identity formation, Erik Erikson (1950, cited in Kaufman, 1993a, p.9) in his pioneering study of identity placed shame in the second of eight stages or identity crises that span the life cycle which is autonomy versus shame and doubt, after the first one which is basic trust versus basic mistrust. The most decisive impact to the development of mistrust, blame, inferiority, isolation is shame. It is evident the central factor that influences identity and its perception is shame. Like Adler, Karen Horney (1950, p. 95 cited in Kaufman, 1993a pp. 8-9) did not mention emotion of shame but her formulations obviously inferred it. She called her theory of personality as “the pride system”. She also affirmed that pride and shame are the keys to understanding “both neurotic and normal behaviour”. Her thought of the “vindictive personality” seems to involve shame-anger sequences as the “emotional basis for vengeful behaviour”. Like Kardiner, Erik Erikson (1950) also identified shame directly, in his analysis of the relationship between shame and guilt. In his exploration of these emotions, conflicting Freud, he proposed that shame was the mostly essential feeling which has a very important role in the developmental period through which all children have to pass. His study of shame became the significant source for Helen Lynd’s work on shame; reading Erikson might have been the start of Lynd’s interest in shame. She expands on Erikson’s work and conceives of shame as deeply imbedded in the individual’s search for identity. She describes the shame experience as comprising unexpected exposure, incongruity or inappropriateness, and threat to trust that involves the whole self. Rogers (1961 cited in Pescitelli, 1996) refers to human infant as a real model of congruence. He finds him/her to be completely genuine and integrated. He is the one who is united in experience, consciousness and message. Deformed perceptions from unfortunate conditions lead to the deprivation of unified self. Rogers (cited in McLeod, 2007) believed that self esteem levels are formed in early childhood by child interaction with parents and other authority figures. As the child grows, the circle of influence expands to significant other. Low self esteem is the result of humiliation and less valued or less respected evaluation by others during social interactions that give birth to an emotionally vulnerable and weak adult. Rogers believe that a person want to experience, feel and behave in the ways which are consistent to his self image and it reveal the way he wants to be, the ideal self. Higher self esteem is the result of lesser gap in self image and ideal self. With increasing congruency increases the sense of self-esteem or self worth. On the other hand, a person is considered to have low self-esteem if some part of the experience is unacceptable for them because that is disapproved or distorted in the self image (cited in McLeod, 2007). Rogers finds the two basic needs for children which are positive regard from others and self worth. Sense of personal worth in adulthood is closely related to childhood evaluation of others. Adults who are shamed in their childhood holds low level of self worth and insecurities which keeps them from taking challenges and accepting that life can be painful at times. Rogers believes in extending to “unconditional positive regard” for working with people with low self-esteem. His theory (1961, pp.34-70) asserts the presence of consistent “inner” battle between the desire to be and authoritative figure’s expectations that lead to develop a sense of low self worth. Silvan Tomkins (1962, pp.205-206) suggests a precise language in his “Affect Theory” model that gives nine universal innate affects. There are interest to excitement, enjoyment to joy, surprise to startle, fear to terror, distress to anguish, anger to rage, dis-smell to disgust and shame to humiliation. According to him, there are separate terms to describe high and low intensities which correspond to certain facial expressions. There are three positive, and six negative expressions all with their own descriptive language. He considers shame-humiliation in negative expression that is eyes and head downs as the person felt very painful inside. Tomkins identified the pain associated with shame when he(1963, p. 183) states, “Though terror speaks to life and death and distress makes of the world a veil of tears, yet shame strikes deepest into the heart of man.” It is only in comparatively recent times that shame has been viewed as a central emotion to human development and self perception. Nowadays, it has been discussed and explored both on general and precise levels by many psychologists, therapists, sociologist in frequent manner. Gershen Kaufman, John Bradshaw, Susan B. Miller, Tangney, Carl Rogers and many others are the big name who had contributed much on shame. 1.3 Characteristics of Adults Shamed in Childhood. Most writers (Lynd 1958; Wurmser 1981) agree that shame follows a moment of exposure, and that this uncovering reveals aspects of the self of a particularly sensitive, intimate, and vulnerable nature. According to Middelton-Moz (1990, p.xii) the adults who experience shame in childhood have tremendous feelings of shyness, embarrassment in general. Moreover, the feeling of being inferior remains prevalent when they compare themselves to others in their surroundings. On personal level, I strongly agree with this as now I can relate to my personal experiences in childhood and my image as adult. In addition, Middelton-Moz also mentioned that adults shamed in childhood are always afraid of vulnerability and feel feared about expose them. Same is the case with me and a few people I know having similar experiences. We prefer to stay behind the curtain and work where we are less noticed. I have observed that the level and intensity of this behaviour may vary in different individuals. It is not a generalized perception of behaviour as some people may react in an entirely different manner and grow up as an entirely different adult. Some of such individuals strive for perfection because they don’t want to be hurt, humiliated, or devalued again. Such individuals do not believe they make mistakes but they think that they are the mistakes themselves. Middelton-Moz (1990, p.xii) believes that these people fear intimacy and tend to avoid any commitment. It may be due to their fear of not meeting the expectation of another authoritative figure. Their past made them believe that they lack in ability, therefore, they avoid the risk to get humiliated again. They may appear both pretentious and self-centred or entirely selfless. They feel that no matter what they do, it would not make any difference. They will always feel worthless, unwanted and unlovable. This is the most critical influence on their personality because it keeps them from tapping their true potential and achieving what they want. They can never take criticism lightly and regularly feel defensive. They will suffer feelings of severe shame when they become aware of any of their mistakes, even the little ones. They strive for being perfectionist. The normal and spontaneous expression is lost, they either work perfectly or delay and suffer from work related anxiety and depression. Most of the times, they tend to blame others, before they can be blamed. Simultaneously, they suffer from intolerable guilt. Therefore, these individuals always ask forgiveness because of their emotional vulnerability. They even assume responsibility for the behaviour of those around them. They always feel like outsiders in the community or social circle they belong to. Even when surrounded with those who love and care them, they still feel alone and this feeling remains same throughout their lives. They project their beliefs about themselves onto others and get engaged in mind-reading. They often feel angry and judgmental towards the specific qualities in others that they feel ashamed about lacking in themselves. Therefore, this behaviour leads to shaming others as well. Felling of being ugly, unattractive, flawed and imperfect occupies their minds. In order to satisfy their feelings for lacking attractiveness, they focus on clothing and makeup exaggeratedly and try to hide flaws in personal appearance and self-image. Last but not the least, they often feel miserably controlled from the outside as well as from within. 1.4 Shame-Based Adults in relationships Jane Middelton-Moz (1990, p.xiv-xv) discusses the characteristics of shame-based adults in relationships as they are inclined to lose themselves in love. When they argue, they fight for their lives. They spend a great amount of energy in mind-reading. They repeatedly talk to themselves about what their partners feel and need rather than discussing to their partners directly. They usually pay higher prices for some good times both emotionally and financially. When committed, they follow two contracts, one at conscious level and other on unconscious level. Usually, they blame other and are frequently blamed by others. They want to leave their partners but once they are gone, they fight to get them back like before. Despite being aware that it will be different, they expect it to be the similar. They frequently feel that the spouse or partner is trying to control their behaviours or routine. They are frequently fascinated by the emotional qualities in others that they disowned in their own selves. Their emotional upheaval and complicated behaviour creates triangles in relationships. Such as, involving some friend in their relationship or doubting that they are in. They seek unconditional love from their partners that they did not receive sufficiently in their shame exposed childhood. My personal experience and discussion with my friends also confirms the similar situations in their lives. Studying shame and personality development really helps to connect the dots. Additional work cited McLeod, S.A.2007. Carl Rogers: Introduction.  [Online] UK: Available at: http://www.simplypsychology.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/ [Accessed: 26 January 2011]. Pescitelli, Dagmar.1996. An analysis of Carl Rogers’ Theory of Personality. [Online]Available at: http://pandc.ca/index.php?cat=carl_rogers&page=rogerian_theory [Assessed: 26 January 2011]. Work Cited McLeod, S.A.2007. Carl Rogers: Introduction.  [Online] UK: Available at: http://www.simplypsychology.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/ [Accessed: 26 January 2011]. Pescitelli, Dagmar.1996. An analysis of Carl Rogers’ Theory of Personality. [Online]Available at: http://pandc.ca/index.php?cat=carl_rogers&page=rogerian_theory [Assessed: 26 January 2011]. Read More