The Detrimental Effects of Illegal File Sharing - Essay Example

18 November The Detrimental Effects of Illegal File Sharing Thesis Does the thesis match what the essay seems to be arguing? How can the thesis wording be edited to better match the content of the essay? The thesis matches what the essay seems to be arguing, because it does provide testimonials and statistics to support its main argument, “Illegal file sharing allows down-loaders to take business away from the original artists and affects the overall sales and revenue of products worldwide.” For instance, to support the claim that “illegal file sharing allows down-loaders to take business away from the original artists,” the essay mentions “in the United States ...[there was] a fifty-three percent decline in recorded music shipments.” The essay, however, also explains why people pirate music, which is not part of the thesis. The essay should have focused only on the detriments of illegal file sharing. I would have also reworded the thesis to include all stakeholders affected and how they are affected. 2. Is the thesis clear and arguable? The thesis is not that clear, because it does not name all affected stakeholders. Original artists are not the only stakeholders affected. The essay mentioned other people who are also affected by piracy at the body, such as those involved in producing and distributing original music, but this is not part of the thesis. The thesis is arguable, because it can be contested. For instance, opponents of intellectual property rights can argue that file sharing can actually increase sales by expanding the distribution of music and enticing people to buy original copies. Body 1. Does each paragraph cover one idea? If not, what needs to be moved or cut? Each paragraph does not cover one idea, because it lacks topic sentences. The thesis has several points that would have been the topic sentences that could have guided the content or ideas of each paragraph. The paragraph on the motive of illegal file sharing should be removed, because it is not a detrimental impact of illegal file sharing. 2. Has each paragraph thoroughly covered its idea and related it to the thesis? How can the writer make each paragraph a bit more strong? Each paragraph does not have a topic sentence and so its ideas are scattered, but they can still be connected to the thesis. For instance, one of the paragraphs started with: “Richard Waterman...logged the number of times Limewire users sought to download each of the files in a sample of one thousand eight hundred.” This is not a topic sentence, but it can support the point that there are too many instances of illegal file sharing that they would surely dent the ability of musicians to make money out of their musical products. The writer can improve each paragraph by starting with a topic sentence. He/she can follow the PIE structure when making each paragraph to better organize ideas and relate them to the thesis. 3. Do the paragraphs seem to come in the right order? What suggestions do you have? The paragraphs do not seem to come in the right order, because of the lack of topic sentences that can relate them to the thesis. My suggestion is for each paragraph to be topic sentences that support the thesis. 1. Intro and Conclusion 1. Is there anything before the thesis to set up the thesis and the essay? Give the author some ideas to strengthen the introduction. Yes, there is something before the thesis that sets up the essay. The introduction is not a compelling hook, nevertheless. The author can consider other powerful images that show the detrimental impacts of illegal file sharing, such as the scenario of low-quality original music in the future. 2. Does the essay have an ending, or does it just stop? Offer suggestions for tying everything together and helping finish the essay out. The essay has a good ending. It can be improved by restating all topic sentences, before ending with a provocative ending or question. Consequences Thesis 1. Does the thesis match what the essay seems to be arguing? How can the thesis wording be edited to better match the content of the essay? The thesis does not match what the essay seems to be arguing, because its content includes the statement that illegal downloading has the consequence of poor quality of music and yet the thesis focuses on the legal and therefore, financial, repercussions of illegally sharing music. 2. Is the thesis clear and arguable? The thesis is clear and arguable. It is possible to argue that downloading is not traceable. It it also clear that the author is focusing on the legal and related financial repercussions of illegally sharing music. Body 1. Does each paragraph cover one idea? If not, what needs to be moved or cut? Each paragraph does not cover one idea, because it does not have a topic sentence. The thesis underscores the legal and related financial effects of illegal sharing of music, but other claims were forwarded in the body of the paper. An example is the paragraph that discusses the efforts of other countries in stamping out illegal music sharing. This can be removed, unless it is connected to the claim that music downloads can now be traced, because of government initiatives and systems. 2. Has each paragraph thoroughly covered its idea and related it to the thesis? How can the writer make each paragraph a bit more strong? Each paragraph does not have a topic sentence and so its ideas are not clearly related to the thesis. The writer can improve each paragraph by starting with a topic sentence. He/she can use the PIE structure when making each paragraph to better organize ideas and make them consistent with the thesis. 3. Do the paragraphs seem to come in the right order? What suggestions do you have? The paragraphs do not seem to come in the right order, because of the lack of topic sentences that can relate them to the thesis. My suggestion is that the paragraphs should have topic sentences that represent the points of the thesis. Then, the flow should be that each paragraph represents one consequence of illegal music sharing and downloading. Intro and Conclusion 1. Is there anything before the thesis to set up the thesis and the essay? Give the author some ideas to strengthen the introduction. Yes, there is something before the thesis that sets up the essay. The introduction is not that enticing though. The author can focus on an example of someone who “paid” hard for illegally downloading music. 2. Does the essay have an ending, or does it just stop? Offer suggestions for tying everything together and helping finish the essay out. The essay has an ending, but it does not tie everything together. Its ending is mostly an ending for the last point it discussed, which is based on the efforts of other countries in stopping illegal sharing of files in diverse channels. The conclusion should paraphrase its major points and provide an insight or synthesis based on the arguments. Read More