Barfing as Identity Development and Expression in Myles Everyday Barf - Essay Example

English 107/101 4 February Barfing as Identity Development and Expression in Myles’ “Everyday Barf” To barf is disgusting, but for another writer, it is about being real. In “Everyday Barf,” Myles depicts some of the reasons that force people to spill their guts. These reasons seem to be mundane, but in reality, they say something about the real feelings and ideas of those who barf, who will be called barfers in this essay. Nothing is random in Myles’ prose poem because events, actions, and characters are all interconnected. Myles provides different events and conditions that make her and other people barf, thereby showing that barfing is both an individual and collective process. Myles argues that to puke is a metaphor of developing and expressing one’s true identity because it is a process of spilling what is inside, so that the barfers can understand who they are and for others to recognize and to accept their identities too. Myles’ troubled relationship with her mother is the center of her barfing because as her mother, she affects her fundamental process of becoming. Myles admits the complex relationship she has with the woman who gave birth to her. On the one hand, she wants to be near her mother again, as she tries to convince her to “come back” and live with her at “P-town” (Myles 75). This paper believes that she might be craving for comfort from the original woman of her life because of her failed relationships in the past. On the other hand, Myles show hesitation. She thinks that “maybe [she] didn’t really want that” (Myles 75) and her mother may not have wanted it either. Still, the feeling that she “failed” affects her (Myles 75). Somehow, she wants to make it right again with her mother because they might have had some trouble in the past, which led to their separation. The barfing at the boat signifies that something rocked their boat in the past. It was “too stormy,” a symbolism for their stormy relationship. But Myles decides to ride the boat despite the storm. The mention of the “fag” suggests that their dilemma started with her gender orientation. As a lesbian, her mother might have problems with that. She does not want to puke too, even when everyone around her is puking: “Not like this. No place” (Myles 75). Myles wants her mother to come along, but she realizes that it might not be good. It might not be good for her to be close to her real identity- a woman and a lesbian. She might be disgusted and that the revelation will harm their relationship further. She is conscious, nonetheless, that her identity cannot be suppressed. Identity smells like puke. If people do not want to see it, they can smell it. They “could smell the stuff,” the real stuff inside others (Myles 76). Despite the restless emotions, Myles understands that her mother has not completely destroyed her, although the latter continues to affect how she sees herself as a person. Living with her mother has turned her into a puke hater: “[she hates] puking” (Myles 75). She must have wanted to puke because she has a hard time being who she is with her mother. Myles cannot directly express her identity to her mother, so puking is her release. It is her way of expressing her “being.” But she cannot puke with her mother around. She cannot “become” without feeling the judgment of others. Her mother does not fully accept her lesbian identity yet. The “tipping” of the boat relates to the tip of the iceberg. The iceberg is an individual’s entire identity, where the submerged part is the subconscious. It is also often what is hidden from others. Myles has a hard time being herself because she thinks of what her mother will think about her. But she wants to tip it, to rock the boat and barf. Tipping is the word she likes for it represents a catalyst for revelations, the un-hiding of the hidden self. Myles knows that her mother cannot accept a boat of puking adults, or adults who are openly gay or bisexual. Her mother will leave- as she had left her. Myles accepts her mother’s decision, hoping somehow, that the latter accepts her decision to be a lesbian too. To expound further on the process of puking, it is paradoxically universal and private, which makes it a perfect symbol of developing and expressing identity. Myles shares a story about her political sestina, and then she narrates a story concerning a boat of barfers. The sestina is a “political reading” (Myles 73), which suggests the political tones of her issue about identity. Politics is power and gender is in the middle of various power plays. Myles wants to puke herself because of her poem and her own feelings for it. She wants to express her sincere emotions, like a barf would have. This individual stage of barfing is personal because it requires spilling the most innermost contents of one’s being. Her sestina is direct to the point, which marks the authenticity of her barfing as “a real honest engagement with content” (Myles 73). Not many people can be so honest and real in the public eye. Puking is not just personal, but universal too. Myles sees it as a boat of barfers in a rocking motion. They have something in common because they are barfing to reveal their identity to others. By sharing who they are, others “know” them, and their reactions affect the identity of the barfers. Identity is a social process too. In actual life, however, it is hard to be “real” without being judged as fake. The universality of barfing has its pros and cons. On the one hand, people can share themselves with one another. On the other hand, barfing is repulsive. A gay man spills his guts, and Myles says that she and another woman are “disgusted” (Myles 75). They are judging the man through what comes out from his body. They are judging his “essence.” Aside from being disgusted, they are “a little scared” (Myles 75). They are scared because they do not know what to do with these real bits of identity. They can do well with celebrities because they do not know them for real. They can judge them and be wrong and still be right, for they do not know anything after all. But to see someone so up close and real through their barf is another experience. To puke is utterly natural in a most disgusting way. They are also scared because they gain insight about their identities. Can they afford to be real too? They are afraid that others will judge them, if they puke their innards. But who said that barfing is revolting anyway? Why cannot people be who they are and who they want to be with without feeling the sickened eyes of the people around them? Myles highlights the topic of expressing one’s identity and finding the world smaller afterwards, so small that claustrophobia leads to puking. Forming and expressing one’s identity is a process of barfing because it is inside and outside mixing altogether, confusing the barfer at times, but fuelling many more ways of understanding the self and among people. Myles is showing the way to knowing thyself through the art of barfing the inner contents of oneself, where to publicize something is to internalize it too. But barfers beware because people are always judging. It makes sense because people always judge their own puke as well. But Myles is suggesting that now is the moment to be. In her prose, the President is thanking people for the god in the White House. Myles is saying that it is good to be here. The godliness is in the present. What people do at the present is what matters. The present forms the future. When it is gone, it is already the past, and the past puke is no longer important. Everyday people can change. Everyday people will change. Every day, they can barf anywhere and anytime and no one should and could stop them. “Everyday Barf” symbolizes the journey of knowing thyself. It is about spilling who people are for them to see their inner selves. At the same time, they can observe how others react. They can discover who will accept them for who they are. They can accommodate the wishes of others in developing their identities, or maybe not. The greatest problem, however, is the barfer. Will she accept who she is as she “truly” is? Or should she stop barfing and forever stop the next gust of puke inside her? Myles understands the complexities of knowing one’s real identity and expressing it openly to others. Sometimes, the reason why people hate other people barfing is because it is too real and something too real reminds them of their fakeness. To barf is initially sordid, but it is time for people to be real- to themselves and to others. Why? Because the weather is not always calm and the boat of life rocks and tips every now and then, and so sooner, sometimes later, people feels the need to barf and they cannot stop it at all. The hidden will always be revealed. Why wait? Work Cited Myles, Eileen. “Everyday Barf.” Sorry (2007): 73-81. Print. Read More