Romantic Love Is a Poor Basis for Marriage - Essay Example

?Full Romantic Love is a Poor Basis for Marriage The basis for marriage has changed drastically over the years with a lotof people saying that love should be the foundation. However, is it enough? People want to believe that love is all that matters when it comes to spending the rest of your life with another person, but most of the time this is not the case. A marriage, in order to last, needs economic stability, trust, patience and sometimes, it is also important for couples to have the same or similar beliefs and values. Of course love has an important role in marriage, but if people let it be the only reason, the marriage could have a disastrous ending as it is exemplified almost everyday from the popularized love stories of artists published through different media forms. One day, a love-struck couple marry with all the complements for each other then the next day they are cursing one another in front of a judge. With the growing effects of media and the rampant news of the activities of celebrities which tend to become the models for younger generations nowadays, “love” is much celebrated and exalted in choosing a partner and deciding on marriage. However, it is interesting to note that “love” is now understood more on the feelings a person feels towards another rather than its basic ingredients which are patience, kindness, humility, loyalty and others. Men and women alike, now think they are more intelligent, more informed and allow themselves to find out if they have the “chemistry” to make a marriage work. They test this by staying together under one roof without getting married and if their sexual desires are satisfactorily met, then they decide to marry each other. However, in the long run, they find out that they made a mistake and therefore end up in a divorce. One of the studies on this topic was that of Tennov’s “limerence” which is the state of “being in love”, seeing all the good things in a person and disregarding the bad, just simply feeling good about everything that is happening in the relationship. The sad thing about this state is that, it only lasts for around two years (Owens). With the aforementioned study, it could be said that making romantic love the foundation of a relationship is foolish, not unless one plans to change partners every two years. More and more studies are being held these days about love and marriage, with the desire to dig into what makes marriages work. when one looks around, only a handful seem to have all that it takes for a marriage to be happy and lasting at the same time while so many seem to be lost without a manual. Scholars around the world search the differences of marriages, ones that work out and those that do not. In this extended search, there have been so many conclusions made, suggestions given to couples, seminars held and probably more will be done to inform people and make their relationships work. One thing is for sure, romantic love is not enough to be the basis for marriage. There is a saying that says, “Love goes out of the window, together with the plates and spoons when there is no food on the table”. In some cases, this is literally true. Couples who joined themselves together in marriage can simply lose their temper when they are clawed by poverty and other troubles. This has been one of the guiding principles of most ancient an more recent eastern marriages. According to the studies of Lawrence Stone regarding English families until the eighteenth century, marriages were made on the basis of need for financial stability and lineage (Macfarlane). Despite this circumstance, many marriages worked well if the basis for such comment would be the lesser divorce rates as compared to modern statistics. People then lived according to the norms and cultures of their age and space so that they were able to suppress their want to choose the person they would like to marry on the basis of romantic love. Taking into consideration the study on “limerence”, probably the early people made the right decisions in their marriage choices because financial stability affects the marriage more than romantic love does, especially when there are already children to support which of course demands more food on the table and more money for their education. Looking at the notion of romantic love, studies show that this has been the product of western philosophy, a by-product of the industrial revolution where individualism was patronized and the concentration on emotions were generally accepted. The quest was that for romantic love to be the basis of marriages and not the capitalist philosophy of finding financial security in marriages. Sure it is a wonderful idea that a man can marry the woman of his dreams and vice versa. However, magnifying it and making it the sole basis for marriage crumbled a lot of marriages through the decades and so scholars are multiplying in number in search for answers to at least give a solution to the exponential increase of troubled marriages worldwide. Philosophers, teachers, sociologists, psychologists and counselors are in demand these days and they are pointing out to one thing, that the industrial revolution philosophy has brought people to the extreme of thinking that love is all it takes to make relationships work. There is indeed no denying that it is important for a person to express him/herself and make the best decision especially when it comes to marriage. Nevertheless, one should also consider the dangers romantic love brings along in a relationship. Dr. Edward Watke, Jr. systematically points out the reasons why romantic love should not become the basis of any marriage, for any couple of any age and race. The first of his arguments is that, romantic love is idealistic therefore it has the tendency to look at things unrealistically. What is seen by a person who is romantically in love, is usually distorted, that whatever is wrong of the other partner could just be the best he should do. Sometimes, bad attitudes can be just acceptable, but when the “limerence” state wanes, one seems to notice every bad thing his partner is committing, he then wonders what made him love his partner in the first place. This is because romantic love seems to blind a person about the realities of the situation. As the famous Shakespeare said, “Love is blind that lovers cannot see the pretty follies they themselves commit”. Secondly, Watke says romantic love is emotional. The emotional characteristic of romantic love brings one back to the “limerence” study which already informed us that it could only last for two years. Once the emotions fade, marriages can end up because one partner does not love the other anymore or both just lost the chemistry or the passion in the relationship. In addition, emotion can bring the couple in swings of moods and other emotions like jealousy, rage, suspicions and other destructive characteristics which could prove to be more damaging rather than constructive. Romantic love usually has the ideal notion that most of the partner’s time should be spent with the beloved and when this does not come to pass, suspicions begin and jealousy is aroused. When one partner is seen speaking with another person of the opposite sex, jealousy could occur because of the emotional characteristic of romantic love. It is idealistic that it could distort the understanding of a person and thus play with the emotions which is not helpful at all. Love is a choice rather than an emotion (Watke). It is always said that love is a decision one makes and not an emotion to feel. This is true because there may be wonderful feelings a person experiences when he claims to be in love however, this is preceded by a person’s decision to want another or dislike him, whether one is conscious about it or not. Many times, people are not aware that an attraction occurs before they decide they want a person and that love can develop through time. What usually happens is that, when a person is attracted to another person, the emotions are so magnified that the process is not noticed at all therefore the wrong notion comes that falling in love, is a feeling and not a decision. Commitment is what Watke claims to be the foundation of marriage. This state could involve both romantic love mixed with the wisdom to consider a commitment that will continue to keep the passions strong throughout the marriage. Couples should understand that in the emotional state of romantic love, one should also consider realistic circumstances to make the relationship work. This writer is not against the wonderful feelings one should experience during the early years of marriage. What is being emphasized here is that, love should not just be emotional but should also be realistic, knowing and expecting that whoever one marries; there will always be difficulties to solve, differences to bridge and things to talk about. Marriage is not a commodity one buys that will work according to how it has been created and serve the buyer its purposes according to his needs rather it is a relationship that the couple should manage and nourish for it to grow and flourish. Communicators and psychologists enter the picture at this point, trying to help couples with their suggestions on how to improve their communication skill in order to get the message through effectively without being misconstrued and avoid hurting the other. Miscommunication usually becomes a problem in marriages, making couples exasperated with each other and wanting to just give up on the relationship. However, couples who want to keep the relationship going strong usually seek professional help but with not much improvement so that Dr. Gary Chapman suggests the five languages which he believes are important for people to understand to be able to communicate well and hit the mark accurately. He likens this to communication gaps between communicators of different languages where expression of one’s self could be simply misunderstood because words or actions have different meanings. For instance, shaking of the head usually means no but if one speaking to a person from Turkey, he might be misunderstood to disagree when he shakes his head to say yes. In conclusion, before romantic love and financial stability, commitment should come first because no matter what the reason or reasons there may be in deciding to marry, when there is a commitment to the relationship, the marriage will work just right especially when it is coupled with respect. References Chapman, Gary. Five Languages of Love. United States: Northfield Publishing. 1995. Print. Macfarlane, Alan. Love and Capitalism. The Culture of Capitalism. 1987. Web. January 31, 2011. . Owens, Erica. 21st Century Sociology: A Reference Handbook. U.S.A.: SAGE Publications, Inc. 2007. Print. Watke, Edward, Jr. Important “Keys” to Marriage Enrichment. Revival in the Home Ministries, Inc. 2001. Web. January 31, 2012. . Read More