Domestic Violence Is Not the Problem of Any Specific Culture - Term Paper Example

Divorce & Domestic Violence Introduction: Domestic violence is not the problem of any specific culture. It is not just the problem of developing or underdeveloped and poor countries as well; but it also exists in the developed and polished, sophisticated cultures of the world. It takes place everywhere in the world; in every culture, and every country. Millions of people are being victimized by domestic violence. They are being killed either physically or mentally and psychologically. According to Human Rights Watch, domestic violence is one of the major reasons for the injuries. Domestic violence generally occurs in intimate relationship such as husband-wife, boyfriend-girlfriend. It even takes place among homosexual partners also. Every year, every corner of the world; many cases of domestic violence come in focus and some of them are suppressed within the four walls of the house. Many reasons are there which compel them to hide the abuse, and one very common reason is that they are feared of spoiling the family status. The major target in domestic violence is most of the time women. The children suffered a lot and they are crushed physically and mentally and consequently it creates a long-lasting trauma in their life. “Behind closed doors, or hidden beneath a blanket of silence, domestic violence bruises the lives of an estimated four million people every year – the overwhelming majority of them women– and impacts expanding circles of millions more: children, relatives, friends, employers.”(Rosen Lee) Domestic violence further results to another social problem and it is the broken and shaking marriage institute, which is one of the pillars of healthy society. Each country has its laws regarding domestic violence. Divorce and domestic violence may or may not be concerned with each other. Divorce is like a legal aid to the person who has been the victim of domestic violence. Yet divorce has many other causes and so it is the separate issue to be discussed. The consequences of domestic violence are very dreadful and everyone involved in this incident has to suffer a lot. The small children in such families are likely to continue the same legacy to the next generation. There are number of books, movies and research articles, which have thrown light on this atrocious act of domestic violence. It is a widely discussed topic for many psychologists and sociologists, who have researched on these two topics. The paper also aims at throwing the light on one of the stigmatic issue, domestic violence. The issue has been discussed with the example of a heart touching Hollywood movie of 1991, “Not Without My Daughter”, a real story, and a dreadful journey of an American woman who had to suffer excessive torture, abuse from her brutish husband. Key words: divorce, domestic violence, Domestic Violence: Definitions and Reasons: The term domestic violence is defined by many sociologists and psychologists. While explaining the term domestic violence, McCue (2008) that domestic violence is a form of oppression that occurs within a social context that makes violence against an oppressed group. Most of the time, the oppressed group is woman or children of the family. The abusers want to hold complete control by on his partner. Domestic violence is defined by Rennison C.M (2000) as the “pattern of coercive and assaultive behaviours that include physical, sexual, verbal and psychological attacks and economic coercion that adults or adolescents use against their partners.” There are many social, economical, psychological reasons responsible behind the act of domestic violence. The psychological reasons: mental disorder, possessiveness, superiority complex, insecurity, feeling of being under-estimated, depression, anger, stress etc. Sociological problems: Poverty, unemployment, family values, status etc. Cultural Problems: religion, beliefs There are many movies based on the domestic violence theme, some of them are “Sleeping With the Enemy,” and “Provoked” But the most suitable film for this topic according to me is “Not Without My Daughter.” Before discussing the two themes, divorce and domestic violence, it is essential to know how two themes have been handled in this movie. The Plot The movie Not Without My Daughter depicts a vivid picture of a Islamic mindset towards women. It is a true story of an independent American divorcee Betty who falls in love with an Iranian Doctor Sayed Bozorg Mahmoody, whose nickname is “Moody,” The 1991’s movie is based on the book of the same name, a real story of Betty narrated by herself. In this movie, along with the core theme of domestic violence, the theme of divorce is incorporated in the story. Betty, the protagonist was living as a single parent. She had separated from her husband legally and living with her parents and two sons Joe and John. It was a happy life she was living, though the bitter memories of her first husband were like nightmares for her. The protagonist is the narrator of the story and she had not explained much about her first marriage. Neither had she described anything about her first husband. She just mentions that her first marriage was not at all a happy experience for her. Because the failure and bitter experience of her first marriage had brought her very close to her second husband Sayed M Bozorg “Moody” Mahmoody. He was an Iranian physician and was appointed to give treatment to Betty. While giving her treatment, both of them fell in love with her. The bitter memories of her first marriage were still there in her mind and initially she was not ready to get into the marriage once again. The audience did not know whether she had been abused or was it a divorce because of domestic violence. The arrival of Moody in her lonely life gave a meaning to her life, at least at that time she thought so. Moody persuaded to visit to his country Iran and meet his family. He further convinced her that it would be a trip of just for 2 weeks. Betty was not comfortable and she was not at all interested in visiting Iran. But Moody assured her again and again that she would be safe and secure and they would come back to America after their short trip. Though Betty was very reluctant, she agrees as Moody promised her swearing on sacred Quran. This made her to accept it and she went there with her daughter Mahtob. When Betty and Mahtob entered the land of Iran, the major incidents happened was: The sacrifice of the sheep on their arrival which was horrifying for the tiny child The illogical and irrelevant rules imposed on Betty such as wearing Chaddor and not exposing her face or any part of her body. It was also a kind of imprisonment for Betty who had lived her life in a liberal country like America, where individualism is valued and respected. The filthy, unhygienic atmosphere in the house and around them Many cultural shocks she has to experience and they were beyond her imagination. The last but not least Moody’s abusive behaviour and the silent support of his family and entire community to his behaviour. The experience of her arrival to Iran was not happy. The hostility, abusive and violent nature of Moody was introduced to her in Iran. His machismo started becoming intense day by day. Soon after coming to Iran, his first step was to make his wife and daughter prisoners. He refused to go back to US and Betty came to know the real motive of her husband. She was shocked, hurt by the unexpected movement of her husband. Further it was a pre planned movement and it was a trap to catch her and her daughter. She was constantly abused and bit frequently by her husband: “I do not have to let you go home. You have to do whatever I say, and you are staying here.” He pushed my shoulders, slamming me onto the bed. His screams took on a tone of insolence, almost laughter, as though he were the gloating victor in an extended, undeclared war.1” (Betty Mahamoody1997) For him his wife was the puppet in his hand. She was like a commodity owned by him and that is why he was behaving as if he was the master and she was his slave who deserves molestation, sexual attacks, beating and any type of violence. The purpose of Moody behind this violent behaviour was just to gain and maintain control over Betty, sometimes he bit her violently, and sometimes he expressed his guilt and shame of his behaviour and still continued his behaviour. Sometimes he showed his fear and insecurity. In a scene, Betty was packing her luggage for their return journey to America, Moody shocked her by ordering that they are not going to America and they were living here forever. Betty tried to convince him and at certain moment when she became aggressive he slapped her and threatened her that she would not think about America. He hurt her physically, mentally and along with her he also hurt his small daughter Mahtob. Of course, it is not shown in the movie, but in book Betty has referred Moody’s beating and attack and being violent towards Mahtob is mentioned. These are the typical behaviours of the abusers towards their spouses. It was an anticipated view in the women of Iran that the husband has full right to keep his wife in his control. The wife has to be obedient. Moody is the representative of typical male chauvinism. Iran and all other Middle East Countries are completely Muslim countries and the rules and laws of Qur’an are strictly followed. The base of the legal system in these countries is based on Qur’an. But unfortunately, Qur’an has been misinterpreted by making the rules flexible and comfortable for the man. Let’s have a look at what Qur’an said about the status of man and women in the society. In verse 2:187, the Qur’an states, “They (your wives) are your garments and you are their garments” Thus Qur’an has always advocated tranquillity and harmony in the relationship of husband and wife. The laws of Qur’an have always been misinterpreted by the men, and the women are abused and molested in the on the name of Islam. (Bachrach 2011) Domestic violence is justified in Muslim countries. The non-Muslim women face many problems in Muslim land to get divorce and child custody. In “Not Without My Daughter”, the custody of Mahtob was refused to Betty, saying that the child is the property of his father according to Iranian law. Betty was further informed that by default she is the Iranian citizen as she married to Iranian man. “Muslim countries hold Christians and Jews who are married to Muslims to be subject to elements of Islamic family law.” (Danielle Andrews.2000) There is a scene in the movie when Betty goes to Mahtob’s school to pick her up, and she was badly beaten by Moody. She was also not supported by school teachers who were actually feeling sorry for her but they could not do anything. It is because they have developed the mindset that it the privilege of a man in Iran to beat his wife, as wife is his property. They did not seem to understand that it is cruelty or it is against human rights. The custody of the child: Betty stayed in Iran as a captive for two years. She stayed there, suffered physical and mental abuse constantly. Her sufferings sometimes were beyond limits. She was physically abused by her husband in private or sometimes in public also. It was literally a rape of her honour and respect. She was mentally beaten by other family members just because she was American. The feeling of retaliation against American culture was there in everyone’s mind and Betty was victimized for her nationality. But still she stayed there. She continued her efforts of escape. It is just because of her daughter. Moody is not ready to send Mahtob with her telling her that according to Iranian law she must be in the custody of her father. Betty was very much concerned about the future of her child and she did not want to leave Iran without her daughter and that is the major cause of the struggle and violence. The Shari’a custody law allows the women the physical custody of their children while the legal custody goes to the father. Although legally father receives ultimate privilege of the child, the mother is usually given the custody during child’s tender age. But here again the contradiction is that the Muslim father can bring valid claim into the court requesting physical custody of the child during his or her tender age, if he feels that the child is will not be raised as a Muslim.(Ebn-Muhammad supra not 89, at 242) Mahtob was in her tender age when Moody was demanding ultimate custody of Mahtob which was the right of mother. Of course the issue of Betty and Moody did not reach to the court but Betty had taken information about the child’s custody from various sources. It was because when she was imprisoned by her husband in Iran, at any cost she wanted to escape herself and her daughter from Iran. The paradox is that he was justifying his behaviour with Islamic laws and at the same time he was overriding the rules and laws of Islam. First time he broke the rule of Islamic law, when he took oath by keeping his hand on Qur’an that Betty would be safe in Iran. He was perverse, cruel, and sick person and perversity and cruelty do not have any religion. Following are some of the symptoms of domestic violence which one can find in the partner’s behaviour: The following symptoms are discussed in connection with the relationship of Betty and Moody. 1. There is a feeling of strong fear about the violent partner: This fear was never ever there in Betty’s mind when they were staying together in America. In fact, he was very caring, amiable to her and even to her sons though he was not the biological father of her son. But when they were living in Iran, she was constantly under the fear, and the fear was because of his molestation and his mood swings. 2. The victim always tries to avoid certain topics while discussing with the partner because of the fear that the topic will provoke the violent partner: Betty in this case was a victim and when she realizes that her violent partner gets angry with the topic of returning back to America, she tries to avoid that topic but hiding she continued with her plans for her and her daughter’s escape. 3. The violent partner always criticizes the victim: Moody’s major criticism on Betty that she was American and he hated America. He was a great hypocrite. When he was in America, he used to pretend that he had completely absorbed American culture, but when they were in Iran, his hatred for America reached to ultimate height. He used to blame Betty, insult her for being an American. 4. The violent partner always puts down the victim’s opinions: When Betty was in Iran, each and every activity was controlled by Moody. She had no voice even what to wear. She had no choice where to go. She would be ordered to where to go and where not to go and what she had to follow. She had no permission even to touch the phone, or call her parents and her sons in America. One day she tried to call them and one of the family members inform this to Moody and Moody bit her. 5. The victim feels emotionally numb and helpless: When Mahtob was snatched away from Betty and she was kept somewhere that was a helpless situation for her. She was kept in a house for many days without Mahtob and she did not know the time, days. When she was beaten violently in Mahtob’s school in the presence of another teachers and staff, she felt numb and helpless. Many situation in her life during those two years made her completely helpless. 6. The violent partner looks at the victim as a sex object rather than a person: This happens mostly in case of women. In some situations, the abusive husband beats his wife and then he does sex with her. It is pleasurable for him. He feels as if he has conquered the women by raping her. In couple of incidents, Moody raped her controlled her physically and sexually. He also forced her to have sex. 7. The Violent Partner destroys the belongings of the victims: In case of Betty, the first and most precious thing of Betty was her passport. It was her tool to escape from Iran. But Moody with other family members destroyed the passport of Betty and Mahtob. He knew that after destroying passport, Betty would not be able to run away. He also took away all her belongings except some money she had kept hidden. She had some dollars and she knew that the dollars had a tremendous demand in Iran and they had a value in black market. One more precious thing Moody snatched from Betty and that is Mahtob. 8. The abuser has a very unpredictable temper: This is also one of the major symptoms of domestic violence. In domestic violence there is a cycle of behaviour from the abuser which was also common in case of Moody. It is abuse – guilt – Excuses – Normal behaviour – Fantasy and Planning – Set up Following is the case study discussing the cycle of abuse: The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "Im sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you werent such a worthless whore I wouldnt have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "youre having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up. Source: Mid-Valley Womens Crisis Service After abusing Betty he would sometimes show his guilt and tried to give excuses. Sometimes his behaviour would be quite normal, especially at the time of Mahtob’s birthday. First he decided to celebrate it on Friday and actual birthday was on Tuesday. Friday was the comfortable day for the people to come as it was holiday in Iran. Betty was upset because she wanted to celebrate her daughter’s birthday on the same day. First Moody was stubborn but then he was ready to celebrate it on Tuesday, on the same day. He also bought a Japanese doll for Mahtob as a gift and ordered cake for her. Thus his behaviour at that time was quite normal. Many times he tried to plan certain incidents where he could abuse his wife. After Betty got the signal that she was being abused by her husband, she started to be defensive. She had to suffer anxiety. Couple of assaults and beating incidents made her aware that she had to deal with her husband carefully if she wanted to escape as soon as possible. She started behaving like an obedient wife. She started to achieve confidence from him as well as from other family members. She started going on along with her husband to avoid adverse situations. The abuser also is the victim of his own behaviour. He started feeling low self-esteem. He had to lose his job. He was depressed anxious and very suspicious all the time. Betty was enough matured and she had an awareness. She was very conscious about her freedom, her rights and her liberty. She did not want to lose it at any cost. She very well knew that if someone is facing domestic violence, the person should be outspoken. He/she should take support from the others and she tried a lot to get the support either from her parents, the family of Moody, even from the political organizations such as American Embassy. Her parents were unable to support her considering the Geographical distance and the Embassy had its limitations because Iranian laws were so powerful that it was not easy to bring Betty out of the country. Moody all the time proved himself superior as he was in his own country and he was damn sure that he will get support from his community. All the time he succeeded in manipulating Betty. He took total advantage of her anxiety, her helplessness and her status of being a foreigner. So even if it is the first step to help from other people, was not possible in case of Betty. The efforts of Betty were being meaningless because of the tactics played by her husband and her family members. She knew everything, she knew what actions need to be taken to handle the situation, but the situation was out of her control. Her fight against the domestic violence was a lonely fight, without anyone’s help. There are laws and various acts in every country to minimize domestic violence. But by enforcing laws or by any act, domestic violence cannot be completed eradicated from the society. It is a nature’s law that the one who is mighty gets control of the submissive creature. And the same law is applied by the powerful person from the family. The domestic violence will not eradicate unless and until it has not been legally filed by the victims. The victims are not aware of their rights as human beings and the real problem lies there. Divorce or official separation is a legal way to come out of the situations. But things are not so easy. They have many complications. The laws related to domestic violence should be internationalized. The uniformity should be there in the law at every corner of the world. We came to know Betty’s sufferings and her dreadful experience of domestic violence because she brought it in picture. She showed tremendous courage and determination and became successful in escaping her and Mahtob. Further She fearlessly exposed the cruelty of her husband and the entire story of injustice to the world and that is why the world came to know her sufferings. But there are many “Many Bettys” in everywhere. Their voices have been shut permanently. Betty herself gave an example of a girl who was staying in Iran and she had completely forgotten her identity and her honour and living her life under full control of her husband. Domestic violence takes place because somewhere the victims also are equally responsible. He/she allows the abusers to abuse them. What Betty’s mistake was that she trusted her husband when they were in America and if it is her mistake, she had to suffer a lot for her careless attitude. The book has been highly appreciated in Western world and it was condemned especially in Iran saying that Betty has tried to spoil the image of Iranian culture. But this paper does not aim at getting into this issue. The major issue is domestic violence and the supportive issue is divorce, which was the topic of discussion of this paper. Sources: Bachrach Judy (2011) “Western Women in Muslim Lands Lose their Rights, in Women in Islam Diane Henningfield first edition. P.27 Danielle Andrews. (2000) “Non Muslim Mothers v. Egyptian Muslim Fathers: Conflict between Religion and Law in International Child Custody Disputes and Abductions, Suffolk Transnat’l. Rev. P.595, 608 Lee Rosen, “Divorce and Domestic Violence : How to Protect Your Rights” https://www.rosen.com/domestic/darticles/divorce-and-domestic-violence-how-to-protect-your-rights-and-yourself/ McCue Margi (2008) “Domestic Violence: Reference Handbook” p.5 Rennison C.M. & Welchans S. (2000) “Intimate Partner Violence (Special Report NCJ178247) Washington DC: US Department of Justice Read More