Personal Development in Its Original Shape - Assignment Example

Personal Development in Its Original Shape As the third term began, some mixed emotions were present in my mind. There was a sense of excitement in reconnecting with my colleagues as well as the desire to conclude some of the chapters that were as yet unfinished. For instance, the situation with Ria, as far I was concerned, was not totally clear. I felt that this issue needed to be readdressed with the group. My concern for her well-being was real, and it had remained during the break from college. In addition, I reflected on my ability to better voice my concerns and feelings, as well as the need to carry on in this direction, which was not the most natural way for me. The fragmented feelings that I had sometimes experienced in that room were something that I was keen to explore more. I needed to allow myself ‘to be’ rather then try to explain, as the latter was the result of some cognitive responses. The absence of Paul on the second Friday gave a different dynamic to the group. While some people felt unregulated, others expressed more liberating feelings. I personally felt that his absence did allow everyone in the room to have a more relaxed attitude, and this was confirmed when he returned the following week. During the Friday that Paul was away, ideas around the meaning of the group and its use resurfaced during various conversations. I reiterated to the group my views about it by saying that for me it was not something for us to make or give meaning to it, but was something to experience. In other words, a place where I could question some of my feelings, attitudes, and way of being, either towards the other members of the group or outside of it. For the following week when Paul returned, we shared our thoughts of how different the group was; this was something that I also felt. However, this was somehow expected, as the absence of anyone in the group changes the dynamics of it. But this time his absence made a bigger impact, as the group started to wonder about what Paul signified to the group and what his contribution was, if any. Ideas around power and authority came into play, and some members of the group felt freer in his absence because that authority or power was not there. I was trying to understand if I also saw Paul as an authoritative figure that influenced the way I expressed myself or when I made a comment. Did his presence influence me? Yes, of course it did, although he was the moderator of the group. As far I was concerned, he was a figure that helped to dictate peoples’ feelings. At first, I was not sure how much influence he had on me; however, after reflecting on this, for me Paul’s presence was at some level synonymous with a teacher or authoritarian, and it was not just Paul who represented that connection. He was just a departure point to understanding my difficulties with any authoritative figure or teacher. I started to think about my parents, school days, and growing up in an environment where self-expression was not encouraged, and where obedience towards an adult or any influential figure was imposed on me. At the same time, I was also aware that in order to make any real impact in my personal development, I had to understand what the ‘absence’ that day meant for me, as it was preventing me from expressing myself in a full sense. The word that came into my mind was insecurity. These are insecurities that, on reflection, have been part of my growing up and are still preventing me to voice some of my needs and my wants during my adult life. The issue with Rea came back into the group, and it was Michael who brought it back. However, something very peculiar that it did not make much sense happened to me. Michael got more and more agitated when I intervened with my suggestion that some of Ria’s therapist’s advice was debatable in the light of what happened to her, and possibly she should seek help elsewhere. The agitated state of Michael was explained when he asked Ria to clarify what was said between her and the therapist. The outcome this time was somewhat different from the previous one, and Michael pointed out that if only I had listened more carefully and did not jump to conclusions then all that confusion that was created for Ria could have been avoided. The well-being and possible protective mechanisms that were in me at that point and time reacted much faster than the more lucid and possibly more attentive Michael. I did apologise to him and Ria for any possible distress that I caused, but I also voiced that my intervention was coming from a place of caring and, as such, I felt I acted with my best possible intentions. The following week I felt that the atmosphere in the room was quite charged, and the group unsettled. My feelings were confirmed by the events that followed. I once again apologised to Michael and Rea about my instinctive reactions of the previous week. However, while I appreciate the fact that listening carefully and confirming what one said is always important, I also told Michael, who continued to point out my inappropriate intervention of the previous week and who also monopolised the entire conversation, that he was not the only voice in the room, and that it was about time that he should start making space for other voices to intervene—mine was one of them. Was the latter a result of some of the processes that had something to do with authority and confidence? I wondered if this was the case. I was realising that, week by week, I was starting to bring the group back to the previous sessions and to continue some unfinished business; this was something that I did not to do in the previous trimesters. I was working on my confidence and raising my feelings and ideas in the moment rather than bringing the issues at home with me and processing it by myself. I felt that the immediacy of processing some of the emotions and concerns that I had in the here and now gave me a chance. Although, sometimes I admit that I was rushed to a conclusion, and the chance to express myself without much censorship or analytical work that would have filtered some of my rawest emotions. The difficulty of seeing the end to this academic year, and to the group, was present in my mind and had been so for some weeks. I did not raise the issue before because there was so much going on in the group. Thinking of its end would have diverted some of the processes. Maybe a more plausible truth is that I was in denial, as it was a subject that it did not sit well with me. However, on week eight I opened the session by sharing these thoughts with the group and admitting my difficulties of ending and leaving situations. The difficulties were present not only because they were part of some past unresolved feelings, but they were also something to do with leaving some colleagues with whom I shared some very personal parts of my life and emotions. Apart from some brief comments, the room did not really respond. Hence, as I left the subject, I wondered if the sense of denial was not only my own. Ria was waiting for me to end my concerns about the termination of the first year, and thus separation from the group, and also to share her feelings about what happened the previous week. The turmoil that she had been left in derived from some of the comments made by a few colleagues and specifically by what Kersty said to her about the responsibility that she felt when Ria was around. Ria was clearly disappointed and hurt. Most of all, she felt as though she was a burden to the group, and to Kirsty in particular, as their relationship continued outside the group. The above scenario prompted me to want to clarify with Ria that I did not think that her painful story was a burden to me, and I did not feel I was part of any other members of the group. However, I suggested her to reflect on the word "burden" and what it meant for her. The word also prompted me to think about this, and I realised that at some level it was easier for me to be self-sufficient than to be a burden to anyone else. There was food for thought for me also. As the end of the year approached, I felt that my journey that started in a room with empty chairs, positioned in a circle waiting to be filled with new emotions, anxieties, and hopes by people that I did not know was today a place where I felt, at times, most vulnerable, happy, and anxious. The circle of chairs that had lost its original shape during the Fridays was the result of the state of flux that I feel has been true in this year of continual change. This has been unsettling but also very rewarding for me personally. Read More