Parenting Ethics - Essay Example

Birth finds every child in a vast place called home and through touch the baby begins to learn about the surroundings and the world. The cries of a baby for help stimulates cortisol i.e. stress hormone thus slightly increasing his temperature and heart rate. Encircling the baby with warmth enables the cries to lessen. This is only the first stage and the beginning of parenting. Parenting is based on two foundations i.e. psychology and ethics. The success or failure of parenting depends on the parental faith in their children. Concepts of parenting ethics and philosophy involve faith, hope, love, goodness, truth, happiness, freedom, honor, honesty, duty, dignity, trust, conscience and intelligence. “…..cause-and-effect links between specific actions of parents and later behavior of children is very difficult. Some children raised in dramatically different environments can later grow up to have remarkably similar personalities. Conversely, children who share a home and are raised in the same environment can grow up to have astonishingly different personalities than one another.” (Baumrind, 1978) A boy returned from school with a note that stated that the boy was a slow learner and therefore had to quit school. The options were to plead to the school, change the school or a private tutor. The mother dismissed all options and became the boy’s tutor. For years’ with great skill and angelic patience she taught her son- the slow learner. Later this slow learner had several inventions to his credit- Thomas Alva Edison for his mother taught him the fundamentals. Albert Schweitzer stated that parenting is like using on burning candle to light several others; the first does not loose its brilliance. Would a son respect and obey his father who exhorts him to be honest, but will not give up his dishonest ways? Will a daughter admire her mother who chides her for not being discreet and guarded in her speech, when she herself is talkative and constantly faulting others? Parents insist that children obey the fourth commandment to honor parents but they should make a greater effort to be worthy of that honor. This does not mean that parents have to be perfect. As long as the children see the parents as heaven-ward looking, down to earth role models, then children would live up to one’s expectations. Why do well meaning parents end up disappointed? Parenting is a journey. The bottom line is the only way to raise a decent child is by being a decent human being. All parents wish to raise happy and smart children who would become confident and responsible adults. Parenting includes providing physical security and safety for child combined with providing physical development. Further provision of intellectual security enables the development of the child’s mind thus safeguarding the dignity of the child. This dignity depends upon the atmosphere of peace and justice in the family. Dignity can be viewed as the quality of being worthy of honor. This quality is acquired during ones life and dignity is the highest human value. Dignity can be combined with truth, values, goodness and freedom which create principles in parenting. Discipline an essential aspect of parenting which enforces a strict control of obedience. At the same time discipline can intrude on a child’s dignity and the child’s self esteem can be affected. Words of love do not heal the affected self respect and dignity. Doubts on enforcing discipline portray the parent’s anxiety and fear. Contradiction between discipline and love should never be avoided. Believing in one’s child proves to be an added advantage. Expression of faith in a child’s honesty creates a positive belief in the parent’s role. A parent’s belief becomes a child’s belief. In case discipline and belief are unable to control the child the next step in discipline is inflicting pain called conscience. The internal punishment would improve the sense of internal discipline and self control. This kind of discipline should evolve from the child and not from the parent. A well disciplined child is directed not by fear of parent’s disciplinary actions but by their own conscience. When a child misbehaves a parent ought to show that they are upset with the child but fear must never become a part of this disciplining act which would only steal the child’s self-confidence. A child never wants to see the parents unhappy therefore this kind of discipline should work. One should remember that children exhibit pure emotions when they are young and the growing years enable them to reason with every phase of their life. Parent’s who openly exhibit strong negative emotions create confusion within the child and this affects the child in a deeper manner. The best method to teach and inculcate character in a child is to have it around the house. Sri Aurobindo stated “The first thing to do in order to be able to educate a child is to educate oneself, to be master of one so that one never sets a bad example. It is above all through example that education becomes effective. To speak good words and to give wise advice to a child has very little effect if one does not oneself give him an example of what one teaches. Sincerity, honesty, straightforwardness, courage, disinterestedness, unselfishness, patience, endurance, perseverance, peace, calm, self-control are all things that are taught infinitely better by example than by beautiful speeches.” (Mukherjee, 2006) Emotional security should protect a child’s psyche and the child should feel loved and emotionally charged. The essence of parenting is no fear, no threat and no verbal abuse only bonding time combined with the sharing of wonderful moments with children. Intellectual development should include providing opportunity and freedom for a child to learn. The foundation for a child is set by the parents for emotional bonding is the basic method initiated by all learning and which is described as an emotional experience. Every child must be taught integrity, kindness and honesty towards themselves as well as interacting with everyone. Therefore in order to raise a conscientious child with high self-esteem one must always remember and implement faith, kindness and justice. Examination of parenting style would further enhance parenting skill. Diana Baumrind developed parenting styles which assists in child development, authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and neglectful. (Baumrind, 1978) Diana Baumrind identified four important dimensions of parenting, disciplinary strategies, warmth and nurturance, communication styles and expectations of maturity and control. (Baumrind, 1978) Authoritative parenting can be characterized by parent’s who have high expectations and compliance to parental rules and directions combined with an open dialogue relating to rules and behaviors which has a child centered approach. According to Baumrind, these parents “are obedience- and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation” (Baumrind, 1978) Such parents encourage their children to be independent and facilitate their child in exploration; they set limits and demand maturity. Punishment is always combined with explanation and authoritative parents easily forgive. This behavior of the parents boosts a child’s self esteem. Further children with such parents might question their parent’s actions and create their own opinions just to defend their defiance. Authoritative parent’s children become successful, articulate and happy individuals. Authoritarian parenting can be characterized by high expectations of conventionality and obedience to parental rules. But rules are not explained but expectations of such parents are high. This kind of parents lack social capability and forbid the child from making their own decisions. Thus children become unintuitive and are socially withdrawn. This kind of children lack spontaneity. Parental feeding practices with young children can predict general parenting styles, which are important in their childrens diet. Also, the researchers recommend that parents should use positive approaches to get their children to eat right by setting a good example with their own diets. They also suggested that efforts to help obese children lose weight are not likely to be successful unless the underlying family dynamics are addressed. Permissive parenting is set apart by their behavioral expectations for the child and by their warm affects. Such type of parent’s exhibit nurturing characteristics and are non-demanding. “These parents rarely discipline their children because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control. According to Baumrind, permissive parents "are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation.” Permissive parents are generally nurturing and communicative with their children, often taking on the status of a friend more than that of a parent. (Baumrind, 1978) The negative aspect is that this kind of parents is that they will do anything for the child to love them. Thus these kinds of children are rarely punished and become immature. Children become uncontrollable and will blame others for their actions and misbehavior. Permissive parent’s children grow with unhappiness and lack of self control. They spend all their life depending upon parents. Research states that parents who were strict in general also tended to have an authoritarian approach to their childrens eating - banning certain foods or using pressure to get them to eat fruits and vegetables. Further, parents who were generally permissive in what they let their children eat tended to have a liberal parenting style. In between these two groups were the authoritative parents who set limits on their childrens diets, but often used more positive approaches like following a healthy diet themselves, to get their kids to eat well. Both the strict and permissive parents typically failed to serve as good dietary role models for their children. Neglectful parenting involves parents who do not conform to permissive parenting and such parents do not care about the child. This kind of parents does not involve themselves in the child’s life but will provide them with all their basic needs and will keep fulfilling their wants. (Baumrind, 1978) “While these parents fulfill the childs basic needs, they are generally detached from their childs life. In extreme cases, these parents may even reject or neglect the needs of their children.” (Baumrind, 1978) Another instance would be friend gives your child a gift and instead of thanking them the child scowls. Indeed the parents are embarrassed and wonder where they have gone wrong. Young people most often seem to think that being rude, selfish or indifferent shows how strong and fearless they are. Children need to learn that being courteous does not diminish their stature but adds to it. When a child greets people whom they meet and says thank you, sorry and please wherever and whenever necessary then everyone would think that the child is well mannered. Further the child would find that the gift of courtesy is one that will earn friends and respect. These manners must not be limited to only outsiders but must be encouraged within the home as well. Remember to always thank the child for the help rendered with a chore or does something that was not expected of them. This would result in compliments and a well-brought-up child. The child will also learn how to find solutions to problems without being aggressive. Other conventional models of parenting involve an instructional approach wherein parents explain about behavior and assume that the children know the rules of behavior. But one should always remember that what one teaches a child necessarily doesn’t mean that the child would understand and perform accordingly. All parents are aware that every child possesses positive and negative qualities and it is the parent’s duty to trim the children into being a unique individual. The basic problem is that most parents prefer to find fault with their children when they should appreciate their achievements and capabilities. The most effective model in parenting is the reward and punishment method which basis itself on logic i.e. a good action receives reward and praise while a bad action receives punishment and reprimand. This method if effectively and consistently adopted will develop a sense of justice in the child’s mind. S.Soloveychik states “It is dangerous for the future of children. It may happen that a man, grown up by this model, facing the first serious failure or first trouble, would lift his arms and ask, “Why me?” (Aubanova & Dull, 2006) Further instances such as the child is finding it difficult to cope with math’s and finds it hard to accept that. The child does badly in a test and blames it on the teacher. The child like the rest of us, have their own set of flaws. We all make mistakes and need to make up for them. If the child learns to accept their own shortcomings, work around them and take responsibility for her actions then the child had acquired the quality that will make life smoother. Every child must be made to realize their strengths and weaknesses, and not to become obsessed about failure. Most often, parents are so ambitious for their child that they are constantly instructing them on what not to do and how not to be. It would be easier if the child is given some ideas on what they can do and eased into accepting some mistakes. Once the child learns that we all goof up, it will be easier for the child to accept the consequences of her actions and that would lead to the child likely to be overwhelmed and defeated by her failures and negative situations. Another aspect is family time which is essential and important. However every family time may not be a happy time. For instance at a particular family gathering suddenly an 11 year child may not want to attend and this leads too much screaming and shouting as the child stoutly refuses. Remember that as kids move towards their teens, they tend to be reluctant to participate in family events. Mostly kids of these ages try to move away from the family which is an expression of their new-found individuality. Yet it is exactly at this time that, ironically, kids often secretly nurse insecurities and appreciate family support and security, though they may not show it. Young people trying to pull free of parental control can be shown that their parents see them as a part of their life. Family ties can be strengthened with small efforts: Set aside weekly family time –a special dinner or a weekend outing –but make sure it’s fun and gives everyone the chance to talk. Avoid serious lectures as any child would then begin resenting these family times instead of looking forward to them. The result would be that the child who knows that the family cares and that they are the centre of attraction. Scheduled family time will make it easier for your family to get together often enough and create memories that last. To sum up parenting the basic rules include- teach values by ones own examples, praise children and reprimand the bad behavior. Educate the children about self-esteem and self confidence. Maintain a happy and loving environment. Parents should give quality and quantity time to their children. Freedom must be facilitated between parents and children. Through their mistake children should learn. Parents must never feel ashamed or hide their emotions and love from their children. Communication combined with freedom of speech should be clearly and firmly administered. Therefore parenting a wholesome part of life should be enthusiastically and consciously enjoyed and administered accordingly. Parenting will always be constantly changing and at one stage parents would realize that they and their children are growing together. As the children keep growing, the various stages would portray the different roles and duties a parent performs. Awareness of the responsibilities enables parents to always continue to be dutiful. Parents need to be self controlled, tolerant, patient and flexible and love their children unconditionally. References Mukherjee, Kishore Jugal. Principles and Goals of Integral Education: as propounded by Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. Sri Aurobindo Ashram. 2006 Baumrind, D. Parental disciplinary patterns and social competence in children. Youth and Society. 1978 Aubanova, Aigul., & Dull, Victor. Parenting For Everyone by S.Soloveychik. 2006 Read More