How to Get Fired - Essay Example

The road leading on to Hell is paved with good intentions; the road leading from hired to fired has huge gaps in the place of employee qualities such as Direct, Discreet, and Disciplined – gaps that are a  hundred percent guaranteed to get you the boot or your money back.

Your Mission: To get fired.

Invaluable tools to take with you: Sex, Lies, and Blogsphere.

Precautions: Forget Direct, Disciplined, and Discreet. For heaven’s sake don’t drag them along or you’ll never manage to accomplish this mission successfully.

Your Target: Your boss, your co-workers, and the janitor if necessary. All’s fair in love and at work.

On the first day of work, the golden rule here is – do not show up on time or worse still, be early. Arrive as late as possible, after everyone else, so that you can make a truly grand entrance. That’s the first thing guaranteed to irritate your boss/supervisor. But if he or she is a gentleman/lady and doesn’t make an issue of it, you can move on to the second phase. As you’re being shown the ropes, be sure to pull out that bottle of whisky or vodka and flash it around amicably – drink to everyone’s health and inform them all sweetly about how you need your daily tipple to really get going. Ask a lot of silly questions, the kind that even a ten-year-old would be ashamed to ask. The objective here is to demonstrate your utter lack of competence for the job you’ve been hired for, so plant those seeds of doubt liberally in your supervisor’s mind.  And thirdly, be sure to leave early. Tell them you have a hot date, or yawn loudly and say you’re too bored to hang around any longer and leave.  

What? Still not fired? Well, don’t lose hope, lots of options are still open. Remember those tools I mentioned? Let’s take the last one first – blogosphere. Be sure to enter the blogsphere with lots of ultra-specific details on your personal blog about your Company. This is the place to mention anything and everything you don’t like about your boss and if the details you furnish are good enough to identify him or her, so much the better, especially if it’s a place your boss visits too. Waste lots of company time on your personal blog and let your work pile up. The chances of getting fired are directly proportional to the lack of discipline you display.

Now let’s say your boss is a patient person and prepared to give you a chance. So you get a warning – but that’s it. Then it’s time to pull out the second tool – lies. The aim of the mission is to antagonize the boss by proving exactly how untrustworthy you are. Make personal calls from your office phone,  gossip for hours with your friends or co-workers and then lie blatantly when the boss questions you – say that you were engaged in company business. If he or she tries to be pleasant to you and cracks a few jokes, do not laugh at any of them even if your funny bone is tickled. Lie whenever you get an opportunity and especially if you’ve made a mistake. Never be direct and admit honestly that you were wrong and you’ll try not to make the same mistake again. Arrive late, then lie and say you were on time. Lie on eBay as well- advertise Company furniture or order pizzas and then lie about it when it's delivered. Let the boss handle all the confusion that’s likely to be the result.

If all this fails, it’s time to use the first tool I mentioned – sex. You could seduce the boss and then use that nifty little nickname you thought up to celebrate your boss’ sexual prowess when you’re with your co-workers.  The best option is to embarrass the boss because then one of you has to go and you’re not the one who has to live with that nickname staring you in the face every day. Since business and personal relationships are supposed to be separate in the workplace, your best bet is to ensure that they aren’t. Mix business and pleasure by all means and treat the office as if it's your own personal domain. Use office hours to surf the net all day and download material from pornographic sites – and be sure that other people realize what you’re doing.  If possible, circulate those pornographic pictures.

And if you’re still hired and not fired, this mission will be declared a miserable failure. Maybe your guard slipped and you demonstrated somehow that you were direct, discreet, and disciplined – in other words, a valuable employee?