Conflict Management in Marriage - Essay Example

Conflict Management in Marriage Introduction As Stanley and Amato (1998) outline, conflicts in marriage have become a recent trend that leads to a great number of divorces worldwide. For example, in 2009, according to the U.S. Census Bureau (2012) 4,496,000 people got married, while 2,319,000 – got divorced. So, a yearly number of divorces in the US equals to nearly a half of the number of marriages. The same year’s statistics show that the couples that finally got divorced managed to live together for about 6.6-6.7 years and got divorced after 8 years in marriage (Kreider & Ellis, 2011). So, it is obvious that a great number of marriages finally end up with a divorce, which is not the most pleasant event in any person’s life. At same time, is obvious that people do not get divorced for no reason. Thus, a conflict of any kind, if not managed properly, may result in a separation or a divorce. Marital conflict, as Caughlin and Vangelisti (2012) point out, is a predictor of negative outcomes not only for the married couple, but also for children, who may percept a conflict even more difficult than a divorce itself. Therefore, it seems important to understand why conflicts arise in marriage, what their consequences might be, and how they can be prevented or managed effectively, because, as Gottman (1994) writes in his book ‘Why Marriages Succeed or Fail’, happiness of a married couple depends on how well it can resolve conflicts. Signs of a conflict According to Gottman (1994) the four major signs of a conflict in marriage are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Criticism in marriage can be described as blaming a spouse for certain personality or character traits. It’s appearance in marriage, according to Kelley et al. (1978), can be explained by gender differences, meaning that men and women percept particular behaviors or situations differently, thus coming to a conflict on the basis of different understanding and attitude towards one situation. On this matter a 2004 study by Schulz et al. showed that though both, men and women, express anger similarly, they have different reactions to stressful conditions. While after a stressful workday, for instance, a husband expresses less anger and destructive behavior, a wife, in most cases, acts angrily and critically, and expresses dissatisfaction. Contempt, expressed in such actions as name-calling, hostile humor or mockery, eye-rolling or sneering, is another sign of a desire to psychologically abuse the partner. It is, in most cases, caused by some unresolved issues or lack of understanding (Gottman, 1994). Instead of communicating and explaining the partner what is expected of him or her, a spouse just expresses contempt, thus hurting the feelings and self-concept of the counterpart. The next problem that frequently results in a conflict is defensiveness – one spouse seems to judge or blame the other, while the second makes excuses or refuses to accept responsibility. All of the three mentioned above problems eventually lead to the next one – stonewalling. The couple withdraws from the interaction with each other. Though their living together might look like a normal marriage (everyone fulfills one’s responsibilities and is neutral in relation to the other), there can be observed a huge lack of communication. The two do not spend much time together and do not enjoy each other’s company. Why conflicts happen in marriage? All of the problems described above arise from a number of reasons. As Matthews (1997) outlines, the major of them are: unrealistic expectations and desire to change a partner, that might grow into a lack of respect and appreciation; deficiency in open affection or public acknowledgment of love; fear of intimacy and unsatisfactory sex life; inflexible gender roles; financial instability; inability to deal with anger; lack of forgiveness; problems with relatives and excessive family involvement; lack of effective communication. It can be observed that nearly all of the listed above cause of conflict in marriage are somehow related to communication. In particular, such things as unrealistic expectations, lack of respect and appreciation, anger, or fear, are directly related to, and can be solved with the help of communication. Indeed, according to the research conducted in 2003, the major reason of conflicts in marriage is inefficient communication: up to 66.6% of married women reported that they had problems with communication often or very often (Cohen, DeVault, & Strong, 2011, pp. 248-249). Roles of conflict Though conflict is an attribute of probably every marriage, different couples deal with it differently, thus getting different results, because a conflict may have both positive and negative aspects and results. Among the positive roles of a conflict is that it can help a couple to recognize the signals of a partner’s unhappiness or dissatisfaction. A conflict may also help to change the situation to better, provide new ideas and improvements, improve understanding and change behaviors (Taylor, 2001). However, such positive results a conflict may bring only if the couple takes it constructively and actively tries to resolve the problem. However, if the spouses, instead of looking for a constructive solution, express avoidance, criticism, contempt and anger, the conflict results in negative outcomes, such as an increase in accusation, interruption of normal relations, harming self-concepts of each individual, making communication difficult or impossible, and causing insecurity, infidelity and confusion (Matthews, 1997). Conflict resolution On the basis of everything stated above it can be concluded that, if the conflict has already arisen between the couple, it is important to resolve it in such a manner that the conflict results in positive outcomes. Such an attempt is naturally impossible without effective communication, which, according to Calabar and Jos (2006), involves communicating a message and receiving feedback. So, the spauses should, in the first place, calm down and discuss the problem. In particular, the first step towards resolving a conflict is in, actually, recognizing the problem. Then should come the stage of finding a compromise or solution. On this matter Unachukwu and Igborgbor (1991) and suggests the following steps: 1. Identify the problem – discuss the situation and discover the causes of the existing conflict. 2. Set goals on resolution – agree on the key aspects of the problem. 3. Find a solution – discuss and negotiate the particular steps each spouse can make for eliminating the problem. 4. Implement the agreed solution 5. Evaluate the results So, no matter what the cause of the particular conflict is, it is important to openly communicate in order to resolve it effectively. While the conflict itself may be initiated or caused by one spouse, the desire and agreement to resolve it should be mutual. The couple should analyze and discuss the expectations towards each other and then fulfill the commitment to either change or accept the current order of things. Furthermore, it is important to have mutual, reasonable and specific goals. It is also, according to Wolff (n.d.), crucially important to understand each other – each other’s background, history, and upbringing, because, knowing these facts, it might be easier to understand current behavior, feelings and emotions of the spouse. This, however, again requires the couple to communicate effectively. Avoidance and accommodation, in their turn, though can help to maintain positive relations for some period of time, might not be effective in a long run. This can be explained by the fact that if the couple is avoiding or accommodating to the problem, the problem does not disappear but, on the contrary, may grow into a more serious problem. Conclusion Marital conflict is something each family faces from time to time. While in many cases such a conflict takes a negative direction, leading to criticism, anger, insecurity, infidelity and confusion, it can be resolved in a positive manner with the help of effective communication between a husband and a wife. Effective communication and regular interaction that create understanding and trust do not only help to solve a conflict, but also improve and strengthen the marriage. References Caughlin J., & Vangelisti, A. (2012). Conflict in Dating and Marital Relationships. The SAGE Handbook of Conflict Communication. J. Oetzel & S. Ting-Toomey (Ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE. Cohen, T., DeVault, C., & Strong, B. (2011). The Marriage and Family Experience. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth. Gottman. J. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. Simon & Schuster, Inc., N.Y. Kelley H. H. , Cunningham J. D. , Grisham J. A. , Lefebvre L. M. , Sink C. R. , & Yablon G. (1978). Sex differences in comments made during conflict within close heterosexual pairs. Sex Roles, 4, 473-492. Kreider, R. , & Ellis, R. (2011). Number, Timing, and Duration of Marriages and Divorces: 2009. Household Economic Studies. Current Population Reports: U.S. Census Bureau. Schulz M. S. , Cowan P. A. , Cowan C. P. , & Brennan R. T. (2004). Coming home upset: Gender, marital satisfaction, and the daily spillover of workday experience into couple interactions. Journal of Family Psychology, 18, 250-263. Stanley, S., & Amato, P. (1998). Divorce statistics and interpretation. Retrieved from http://www.smartmarriages.com/divorcestats.html Taylor, M. (2001). Conflict Management and Resolution: Can We Agree? Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences, University of Florida. Unachukwu, G., & Igborgbor, G. (1991). Guidance and Counseling: A Realistic Approach. Owerri: International Press. Undiyaundeye, F. (2006). Effects of Marital Conflict Management Skills on Marital Stability among Literate Couples in Northern Cross River State. A thesis in the Department of Arts and Social Science Education of University of Jos. Retrieved from dspace.unijos.edu.ng/bitstream/10485/880/1/Effects%2520of%2520Marital%2520Conflict%2520Management%2520Skills%2520on%2520Marital%2520Stability%2520.pdf U.S. Census Bureau (2012). Statistical Abstract of the United States: 2012. Retrieved from http://www.census.gov/prod/2011pubs/12statab/vitstat.pdf Read More