The Day of the Birth to an Adorable Baby Boy - Essay Example

?My Twisted Core This is an account of the most heart rending, agonizing yet wise decision I have ever had to make in the forty years of my journey on this course called life. The saga begins in 1981 when I gave birth to an adorable baby boy. My love for him propelled me to want to give him the best that life could offer. Consequently, there was only one option open to me - adoption. To date this has been the hardest decision I have ever made. My doctor was a man of empathy. He knew I wanted the newborn to have a better life so he suggested a closed adoption. The physician matched my son with two of his childless friends. In the deepest recesses of my heart I believed that my infant was going to a good home. On the day of his birth, I summoned all the strength I could muster to resist the urge to hold my precious baby boy and to meet the new parents. Beyond a shadow of a doubt it would have been too hard for me if there was any contact. For this reason, even though I so badly wanted to say, “I love you” and to kiss him goodbye I let him disappear from my life with only the barest glance. The trauma of the pregnancy and the rigor of the decision-making left me with several health issues as a result I was in the hospital for one week after the delivery. On the seventh day a phone call came from the courthouse. In order to finalize the adoption my presence was needed. Perhaps this was the test of my mantle- the day was so hard and emotional for me and my mom, I distinctly remember my body shaking. The shaking was extremely uncontrollable to the point that I could not even sign my name to the papers. Nonetheless, the judge appeared to understand my plight. He advised me to take my time. Signing that piece of paper was worse than all the labor pain endured during birth. My mom and I walked out of the judge’s chamber; I looked at her to see tears roll down her face. It broke my heart to see her cry. Year after year would pass by. Without fail, during the week of July 10th I would find myself overwhelmed with depression. On that day I would look up in the sky and whimper, “Happy birthday my baby boy.” As I grew older I would wonder whether my offspring ever thought about me, whether he would ever try to find and if he did find me would he forgive me. From time to time my family and friends would ask me if I would like to find him. My answer has always been a resounding, “YES!” However, I would silently speculate about the potential nature of his attitude towards me - would he reject me or would he be thankful that he was never part of my life. My speculation always ended in the same manner- let sleeping dogs lie it would be best that he try to find me when he is ready. In 1998 I gave birth to a beautiful girl, Alexandria Louise. She was the joy of my life. It was simply delightful to know that I could keep her forever. Nevertheless, there was still emptiness, a yearning in my heart for my baby boy that I had given up seventeen years earlier. I married Alexandria’s father, Poncho Rugg, in 2008. The marriage marked another exciting milestone in my journey of life. My husband was thrilled but sad to hear the story about my son. Constantly, he would ask me if I was ready to start the search and consistently, my reply would be no. I always believed that the time was not right and that one day he will look for me but only when the time was right. My personal information was everywhere in cyberspace. I believe that he had an abundance of opportunity to search for me if he was interested. I resigned myself to the hope of him searching for me and finding me one day. It was December 15, 2009. Every Tuesday night was pool night at Paco’s. On this particular Tuesday, my husband decided to accompany me to watch and have a birthday drink with me given that the next day was my birthday. It was my turn to shoot. I was nervous because I was shooting against a top player on the opposite team. I would look at Poncho from time to time and smile. On one occasion, I turned to him but he was on his cell phone. Not knowing who he was talking to I turned back to my game. The excitement of the game reached its peak as it came down to the eight ball. We both had no balls on the table and it was my turn to shoot, I was so nervous the adrenaline was rushing through my body. I felt as excited as Pavlov’s dog salivating when he heard the bell - I yearned to win this game. I could feel my teammates eyes glued to the pool table and the whispering of “take your time, take your time.” The cue ball was lined up with the eight ball; I cocked back on the pool stick and hit the ball right into the pocket. The eight ball followed the path that was laid out exactly into the pocket. Everyone stopped breathing for a moment when we thought the cue ball would follow it. When the cue ball swerved away from the pocket we all jumped with excitement. I am not a very good shot at pool so to beat a top shooter on the opposite team was rather exhilarating for me. Poncho walked over to me with an extremely big grin on his face, he congratulated me and said, “I have a surprise for you.” Thinking he was going to give me my birthday present early I eagerly sat next to him. He began the conversation with “I have something to tell you.” My response was “well what is it?” He whispered “I found him.” I said, “what, found who?” His reply was “Your Son.” At that point a black hole opened in the earth and there was total silence. I ran to the bathroom crying. My teammates looked at my husband in amazement and asked “what did you just say to her?” I came out of the bathroom and made a bee line to Poncho for an explanation of his statements. He informed me that he and my mother hired a private investigator to search for my son as a surprise for my birthday. He kept it a secret because he knew that I would have said no to the search. Poncho had no idea that the investigator was going to call him back on that night. That is the mystery person he was talking to while I was shooting my game. The investigator conveyed that my child was an easy find. It took him five hours to gather all the necessary information. I was in shock to say the least I did not have a single syllable to contribute to the conversation. I was happy, sad, and fearful all at once. My husband filled in the details about Jonathan, my baby boy. He was married. The investigator emailed his address and phone number along with Jonathan’s parents’ information. I wanted to rush home to get this information to call him but Poncho said, “No, let’s wait, let’s just celebrate tonight. It is too late to call him anyways.” After much debate I agreed to remain and wait until the next day. It was my birthday, December 16th; as soon as I opened my eyes I called him. There was no answer so I assumed that he had already left for work. Throughout that day I paced from room to room. I did not want to do anything until I talked to him. I did not even want to eat. My husband came home from work and we tried calling again but still no answer. I tried every hour on the hour but there was no response. Although the answering machine would pick up I just could not leave a message stating that his real mother was trying to get in touch with him. Later that evening Poncho called and left a message for him. “Your birth mother is trying to get in touch with you and if you would like to talk to her you may contact me at this number,” he said. The night was spent and still there was no phone call. I could not sleep and seeing that I had not eaten nor thought of anything else for the entire day I felt rejected and hurt. I cried myself into the next morning. The morning of December 17th, my husband, the voice of reason, advised me not to stay at home. He did not want me to make myself crazy. His specific advice was, “go shopping or go visit a friend, don’t stay at home today.” I called one more time before leaving the house still no response. I went to Goodwill, a large departmental store; it would take me the entire day to finish browsing through the items in this store. After about half an hour of browsing Poncho calls me and tells me to find a seat. He congratulates me and tells me that I am now a grandmother. I said “What?” He said he had just spoken to Jonathan who was very excited to talk to me. Poncho gave me Jonathan’s number. Jonathan was unable to call yesterday because he was in the hospital with his wife. They had their first son on Wednesday, my birth date. “Oh my God, my first grandchild was born on my birthday,” I smiled and felt that the world was alright after all. I hung up with Poncho and almost immediately called Jonathan. Before I made the call I had to pull myself together, wipe the tears from my eyes and figure out how to form the words. My hands were visibly shaking as I dialed the number. Jonathan answered on the first ring. I said, “Is this Jonathan?” His response was, “yes it is” and we both said “Hi” at the same time. I told him my entire life story in the few minutes we had on the phone. I especially remember telling him how sorry I was about everything. He insisted that there was nothing to be sorry about because he totally understood why I had to give him up. He promised that we will be reunited soon. The most precious moment occurred when he told me that he loved me and that there was not a day when he did not think of me. We talked for more than an hour and finally decided to meet for the first time in one week- for Christmas. We ended our conversation with tears of pure joy. We called each other every day for the next week. On Christmas day we were reunited. There was endless hugging and kissing and tears. Nonetheless, the highlight of the evening was when I held my first grandson. Jonathan and I both agreed that nothing and no one would ever keep us apart again. From that moment on we started a new chapter in our lives. The emptiness has been filled with love and happiness and absolute bliss. Amazingly, we continue to talk and visit each other quite often. Throughout life’s journey I have come to realize that dreams do come true and although you may stumble and fall never give up because things happen for a reason and only for a season. Read More