Death in the Family: How It Affects the Children - Literature review Example

Death in the Family: How It Affects the Children Introduction Life is a journey. Once a journey, it has a starting date, a departure point, a route, a destination and an ending date. Life as a journey is not stable but full of changes. Along the way, the journey may get slow whiles at some point, it gets fast. Certain things on the way along the journey are fascinating whiles others are fun to see; yet others are awful. But that makes life a process and not an event. The journey of life is full of transition – change in location, change in time, change in appearance and a whole lot of changes. “A life transition can be positive or negative, planned or unexpected. Some transitions happen without warning, and they may be quite dramatic” (Coan, 2011). Perhaps one outstanding feature about life as a journey is that like our everyday journeys, it may be long or short before ending. In the real situation of life, life begins with birth and ends with death. Though human beings admit that death is an inevitable part of life, there is no way we can wholly welcome death with happiness. Death always comes with some level of grief and sorrow and the level of this grief and sorrow emanates of the circumstances surrounding the death or the time of the death of the deceased. Why death in the family will be looked at through the discipline of history The death of a parent comes with so much shock, pain and an aftermath of responsibility on surviving child(ren). The news of the death of a parent and the aftermath responsibilities have however changed with time. How news of death and responsibilities that surviving children took over in the past five decades is not the same today. There have been significant changes which are worth discussing. This essay seeks to consider the historical discipline of death in the family with an emphasis on death of a parent. The historical discipline was selected to help discover; while drawing a correlation between how things were then in times past and how things are done today. The need for this correlation makes room for comparing situations and drawing inferences as to which was or is the best and should be adapted for our present generation. It also helps in identifying shortfalls along the line of history so that necessary amendments and changes will be applied appropriately for future generations. General perspective of the discipline The general perspective of the historical discipline is built around the fact that society is dynamic and thus keeps changing. As social beings, we have to adjust ourselves as often as possible to meet the ever changing needs of society. However though, Thayer (2010) observes that “those who study history are often faced with the task of considering past human activity in such a way as to extract some lesson applicable for the present.” This is to say that the fact that one aspect of history is past does not mean there is nothing useful in it. As a matter of fact, we do not always put things behind because they are totally wrong. Rather, we put things behind because for some reasons, they cannot fit the present generation. It is for this reason that it is important to look at death in the family from a historical point of view to draw inferences on things that have changed that can still be adapted for our generation and future generations and also look at things that we are getting along with today that should be dropped and made part of history. The major Article There are four major themes to be discussed in this essay as far as the historical discipline of death in the family is concerned. These four themes are how society has treated the issue of educating children on death of parents, how responses of children to the death of their parents have changed over time, how legal issues protecting children with dead parents have evolved and finally how issues of step parenting have changed over the years. From a rather sensitive and easily neglected angle, this essay focuses on the issues of step parenting relating to death of parents in the family as a major theme. The article, titled “Step parenting and Blended Family Advice” was published by Help Guide to offer advice to families in times of death of parent. There is particular emphasis on people who come in later in the lives of the children as step parents. According to the article, “Stepfamilies, also known as blended families, are more of a norm now than ever. At least one-third of all children in the U.S. will be part of a stepfamily before they reach age 18.” For this alarming statistics, the article outlines some useful advice for step parents on how to integrate themselves well in the family; especially those who come in as a result of death of previous parents of children. The first submission made by the article is that most children do not find it easy coping with step parents when they come in at first. These children, especially teenagers and adolescents show some levels of resistance to adapting to the new family. The historical perspective of this situation is that in some years past, most step parents distanced themselves from the children, having a notion that ‘they came to marry the other parent and not to raise babies of death spouses’. For this reason, they admitted painful treatment to the children just because they did not see them as ‘theirs’. This developed a very wrong perception in the minds of children towards all step parents. Due to the preconceived ideologies of the children, they also welcomed step parents with indifference. In such situations, even if step parents administered disciplinary actions that children’s own parents would have administered to them if they were alive, the step children took it to be hatred. The article however leads a crusade to end this history for a better understanding of step parenting and blended family relationship in the event of death of parents. The article notes that “It takes time for people to establish positive, trusting relationships and to develop a family history.” So in other to be able to cope with the new children, the article advices that “If children in your new household are recovering from the loss of a parent, give them space and time to grieve and learn more about how to support them.” It is this education of support for grieving children that has taken the new trend of step parenting in deceased homes. Unlike before, step parents are receiving much education to support the children they go to take over from. Supporting the child means seeing the child through the grieving period safely and planning with the child, how he can continue life from them. It also means doing nothing to hurt the child or giving the child a cause to remember his past parents. This article reflects the perspective of the historical discipline because it draws a relation between how things use to be in time past and how things are today, as far as step parenting is concerned. Summary of the topic finding of minor articles The other articles are classified as minor for the sake of the requirements of this essay. They however talk about very sensitive issues with the death of parents in the family. In the second article, there is a correlation between how society educated children on issues of death in time past and how they treat them today. The article is titled “Dealing with death and parents - Living Humanism – Column”. In the article, the writer derides how in time past, families could sit children down and educate them on the death of their parent, telling them the implications of the deaths and how they can cope with life after death but today, education on death of parents has become an expensive commodity. The writer wonders how there is free access to education on issues like safe sex and abortion but not on death of a parent. The writer writes, “Why, then, when private parts have become public topics, do we still feel uncomfortable addressing the inevitable death of our parents? More importantly, why have we no resources for understanding what to do with the surviving parent?” (Stone, 1996) In the third article, titled “coping with grief and loss” also published by Help Guide draws a historical perspective of how responses of children towards the death of their parents have changed. This response was tackled from the point of grieving. The article sees the time of history to have been accompanied with a lot of myths instead of facts about deaths of parents. Because of these myths, children were ill-informed and therefore harbored a lot of grief at the death of their parents but education on facts of death of parents have changed the situation. The last article also tackles a sensitive issues of legality. In time past, children of deceased parents were hardly noticed by law. Today, the article, published by SSA Publication notes that “About 3.8 million children receive approximately $1.6 billion each month because one or both of their parents are disabled, retired or deceased.” This is an improved situation of what use to exist in time past when there was no intestate succession law. To conclude, news of death of parents have seen a lot of revolutions. Today, things seem quite better than it used to be in time past. The strongest points of today are issues of step parenting and legal protection for children who loss their parents. But there still is more to do with educating children on the realities of the death of their parents. Children can be trained to see death as part of the human journey and so just as any journey they begin ends, the journeys of their parents will also most definitely end. REFERENCE LIST Coan G. (2011). Negotiating Difficulty Life Transitions. Retrieved March 1 2011 from http://ezinearticles.com/?Negotiating-Difficult-Life-Transitions&id=9419 Help Guide (2010). Coping with Grief and Loss. Retrieved March 2 2011 from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm Help Guide (2010). Step parenting and Blended Family Advice. Retrieved March 3 2011 from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm SSA Publication Benefits For Children No. 05-10085, September 2009, ICN 468550 . available online http://ssa.gov/pubs/10085.html Stone L.G. (1996). Dealing with death and parents - Living Humanism – Column. Retrieved March 3 2011 from http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1374/is_n3_v56/ai_18292701/ Thayer M. (2010). A Modern Perspective on History. Retrieved March 3 2011 from http://www.suite101.com/content/going-down-in-history-like-columbus-a240895 Appendix Articles used 1 http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm Step parenting and Blended Family Advice Bonding with Stepchildren and Dealing with Problems Stepfamilies, also known as blended families, are more of a norm now than ever. At least one-third of all children in the U.S. will be part of a stepfamily before they reach age 18. Children in blended families may at first resist the many changes they face. Fortunately, most blended families are able to work out their growing pains and live together successfully. Open communication, positive attitudes, mutual respect and plenty of love and patience all have an important place in creating a healthy blended family. What is a blended family? In a blended family, or stepfamily, one or both partners have been married before. One or both has lost a spouse through divorce or death, and may have children from the previous marriages. They fall in love and decide to remarry, and in turn, form a new, blended family that includes children from one or both of their first households. While parents are likely to approach remarriage and a new blended family with great joy and expectation, your kids or your new spouse’s kids may feel left out of your choice and uncertain about the change. What will the new person in their life mean to them? What will their new step-siblings be like? How will their relationship with their biological parents change? As you get ready to expand your family, a few important things to remember are: Be realistic – things won’t be perfect overnight. Be patient – good relationships take time and kids need to time to trust and count on you. Limit your expectations – know that you will probably give a lot of time, energy, love and affection that will not be returned immediately. Think of it as making small investments that may one day yield a lot of interest, but don’t expect anything in return for now. Given the right support, kids should gradually adjust to their new family members. It is your job to communicate openly, meet their needs for security and give them plenty of time to make a successful transition. Getting to know you 101 Although you love your new partner, you may not automatically love his children, and they may not automatically love you. It takes time for people to establish positive, trusting relationships and to develop a family history. You will increase the chances of creating strong relationships by thinking about what the children need. Age, gender and personality are not irrelevant, but all children have some basic needs and wants that should be met as a precursor to a great relationship. Children want to feel: Safe and secure – Children want to be able to count on their parents. Children of divorce have already felt the upset of having people let them down, and may not be eager to give second chances to their parents or stepparents. Loved – Kids like to see and feel your affection, although it should be a gradual process. Seen and Valued – Kids often feel unimportant or invisible when it comes to decision making in the new blended family. Recognize their integral role in the family when you are making decisions. Heard and emotionally connected to – Kids are eager for real connection and understanding. Creating an honest and open environment free of judgment will help them feel heard. Show them that you can view the situation from their perspective. Appreciated and encouraged – Children of all ages respond to praise and encouragement and like to feel appreciated for their contribution. Limits and boundaries – Children may not think they need limits, but a lack of boundaries sends a signal that the child is unworthy of the parents’ time, care and attention. As a new stepparent, you shouldn’t step in as the enforcer at first, but work with your spouse to set limits. Let the child be your guide Every child is different and will show you how slow or fast to go as you get to know them. Some kids may be more open and willing to engage. Shy, introverted children may require you to slow down and give them more time to warm up to you. Given enough time, patience and interest, most children will eventually give you a chance. Dealing with the death of a parent Some people wrongly assume that a blended family will come together more easily when a parent has died. Adults and children need time to grieve the loss of a loved one. A remarriage may trigger unfinished grieving. If children in your new household are recovering from the loss of a parent, give them space and time to grieve and learn more about how to support them. See Helpguide’s Supporting a Grieving Person and Coping with Grief and Loss for more information. See Helpguide’s Children and Divorce for more information on the type of loving environment that will help your kids. How does the age and gender of the children affect blending families? Kids of different ages and genders will adjust differently. The physical and emotional needs of a 2 year old girl are different than that of a 13 year old boy, but don’t mistake differences in development and age for differences in fundamental needs. Just because a teenager may take a long time accepting your love and affection doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want it. You will need to adjust your approach with different age levels and genders, but your goal of establishing a trusting relationship is the same. Young children under 10 May adjust more easily because they thrive on cohesive family relationships. Are more accepting of a new adult Feel competitive for their parent’s attention Have more daily needs to be met Adolescents aged 10-14 May have the most difficult time adjusting to a stepfamily. Need more time to bond before accepting a new person as a disciplinarian. May not demonstrate their feelings openly, but may be as sensitive, or more sensitive, than young children when it comes to needing love, support, discipline and attention. Teenagers 15 or older May have less involvement in stepfamily life. Prefer to separate from the family as they form they own identities. Also may not be open in their expression of affection or sensitivity, but still want to feel important, loved and secure. Gender Differences – general tendencies: Both boys and girls in stepfamilies tend to prefer verbal affection, such as praises or compliments, rather than physical closeness, like hugs and kisses. Girls tend to be uncomfortable with physical displays of affection from their stepfather. Boys seem to accept a stepfather more quickly than girls. How do attachment relationships affect the ability of stepfamilies to bond? People who have an insecure attachment history may have problems establishing close, loving bonds with new people. Fortunately, it is never too late to change this tendency. An insecurely attached child (or adult) can learn to trust others, and bond with people who treat him with consistent affection, attention, and respect. See Parenting & Attachment and Relationship Help: Building Great Relationships with Emotional Intelligence for suggestions on how to repair attachment problems. Creating security and trust within a new stepfamily One challenge to creating a cohesive blended family is establishing trust. The children may feel uncertain about their new “family” and resist your efforts to get to know them. Learn not to take their lack of enthusiasm (and other negative attitudes) personally. It isn’t that they don’t want you to be happy; they just don’t know what it will be like to share their parent with a new spouse, let alone his or her kids. These feelings are normal. Creating clear, safe boundaries in blended families An important part of building trust in a family has to do with discipline. Couples should discuss the role each stepparent will play in raising their respective children, as well as changes in household rules. The following tips can help make this difficult transition a bit smoother: Establish the stepparent as more of a friend or counselor rather than a disciplinarian. Let the biological (custodial) parent remain primarily responsible for discipline until the stepparent has developed solid bonds with the kids. Create a list of family rules. Discuss the rules with the children and post them in a prominent place. This may diminish custodial parent-stepparent-stepchild tension. Try to understand what the rules and boundaries are for the kids in their other residence, and, if possible, be consistent. Dealing with differences As you merge two families, differences in parenting, discipline, lifestyle, etc. may become more pronounced and can become a source of frustration for the children. Make it a priority to have some unity when it comes to household living, including things like rules, chores, discipline, and allowance. Agreeing on some consistent guidelines and strategies will show the kids that you and your spouse intend to deal with issues in a similar way. This should diminish some feelings of unfairness. If it simply isn’t possible to agree, you may want to think about working with a support group or counselor to address some of the issues. Keeping ALL parents involved Children will adjust better to the stepfamily if they have access to both biological parents. It is important if all parents are involved and work toward a parenting partnership. Let the kids know that you and your ex-spouse will continue to love them and be there for them throughout their lives. Tell the kids that your new spouse will not be a ‘replacement’ mom or dad, but another person to love and support them. See Helpguide’s Co-Parenting after a Divorce for more tips on working with your ex. Communicating often and openly The way a blended family communicates says a lot about the level of trust between family members. When communication is clear, open and frequent, there are fewer opportunities for misunderstanding and more possibilities for connection whether it is between parent and child, stepparent and stepchild or stepsiblings. Uncertainty and worry about family issues often comes from poor communication. Kids like to know what to expect. When they feel empathy and understanding from their parents and stepparents, they are more likely to be resilient to the normal ups and downs of adjusting to new family members and a new living situation. It might be helpful to set up some ‘house rules’ for communication within a blended family. Some general guidelines: Listening respectfully to one another Positively addressing conflict Establishing an open and nonjudgmental atmosphere Doing things together – games, sports, activities Showing affection to one another comfortably Maintaining marriage quality in blended families Newly remarried couples without children usually use their first months together to build on their relationship. Couples with children, on the other hand, are often more consumed with their own kids than with each other. You will no doubt focus a lot of energy on your children and their adjustment, but you also need to focus on building a strong marital bond. This will ultimately benefit everyone, including the children. If the children see love, respect and open communication between you and your spouse, they will feel more secure and may even learn to model those qualities. Set aside time as a couple, by making regular dates or meeting for lunch or coffee during school time. Present a unified parenting approach to the children – arguing or disagreeing in front of them may encourage them to try to come between you. Resolving feelings and concerns about the previous marriage A second marriage may resurrect old, unresolved anger and hurt from the first one, both for adults and children. For example, a child can no longer hope that his biological parents will reconcile. Or an ex-wife may stir up trouble with her ex-husband when she hears he is about to remarry. The new couple must negotiate a final emotional divorce to clear the way for a fresh start. 2 http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1374/is_n3_v56/ai_18292701/ Dealing with death and parents - Living Humanism - Column Humanist, May-June, 1996 by Lois Greene Stone Why, in our culture, can we applaud violence and death on film but shy away from discussing how to handle both the death of one parent and the survival of the other, who is then left alone? Magazines print pieces suggest, ing how to handle moving away, career changes, infant care, relationships with in-laws, financial interests, checkbook control, and improved sexual relations, but they don't offer suggestions on this specific and very sensitive topic of death and survival. Currently, television commercials openly call attention to yeast infections, pregnancy testing, douches, menstrual supplies, and genital scent that can be altered by special deodorant sprays. Condoms are available to schoolchildren and famous movie stars preach safe,sex during 10-second "the more you know" television spots. Why, then, when private parts have become public topics, do we still feel uncomfortable addressing the inevitable death of our parents? More importantly, why have we no resources for understanding what to do with the surviving parent? It has always been easier to deal with the known. We may feel embarrassed when a douche commercial comes on, but that's a concrete product. The ad ends, the program resumes, and our self-consciousness passes. Mortality, however, is an abstraction (even though a real segment of living) and too difficult to truly grasp. We live and are, so the fact that we someday won't is mind-boggling. Our parents are buffers between living and expiration; when they're gone, we become the "next generation." We're frightened. Our parents were tall, strong people who had answers to questions, hankies ready to blot tears, encouragement when we fell failure was imminent. They were role models; as we grew, they became people to challenge and weaker both in fact and in our eyes. How could that happen? How could one die and leave the other behind needing care? How could that generational bridge that protects us from eternity begin to chip and crumble? Where is the guidance to help us understand the process? It may be "cool" to purchase a condom or to pick up a pregnancy kit, but there is nothing tangible to grab onto when deciding what to do with a surviving parent. Our values are challenged when we dabble with the unknown or unfamiliar. Perhaps because we come from different backgrounds and family units and have diverse philosophies and religious practices, mainstream publications prefer not to explore and help us with the issue. Maybe. All the how-tos on every newsstand shy from truly emotional topics. This isn't mere TV embarrassment; it's the help feel because living is altered by a family member's death and we, in the family, are all survivors. Our personal parenting inadequacies are met by drawing on the way we were treated as children. What did our own mothers do when we screamed with sunburn or stayed out too late on a date or had a crush on someone who didn't return the affection? What did our fathers say when we wanted to be movie stars or the first woman on the moon or a male ballet dancer? Did we get praise or indifference? Did we hear encouragement or outrage? Did we get soothing or sarcasm? We've nothing to draw on in learning to be sensitive and helpful with a surviving parent. It's scary. Parents often have purchased individual graves either in pairs or for many family members. Usually paragraph one in each last will and testament states that the estate of the deceased will pay for burial, removing that financial burden from the children. But we've also a dilemma before a parent dies, when that person is terminally ill. Children seem to have a need to verbally "make arrangements" for a surviving parent when the other parent is terminally ill, uttering statements like "Mother can't live alone in that big house," "Mother must make plans now to move to a warmer climate," "What if Dad should fall on the ice and there's no one to care for him?" "She needs to consider where to put money so she can draw on it," "Who has power of attorney?" and so forth. Siblings squirm with "Dad can't cook or do laundry," "I have three kids of my own and can't take her in but you can" as invasion of privacy seems to be lurking. Phrases such as "My house isn't big enough:' "I don't have another bedroom like you do:' or Who'll entertain him since I work outside the home?" get exchanged. The survivor is a checker piece being slid from black square to red square while the verbal interplay goes on behind the scenes. Sometimes there is real concern for the loved ones; sometimes the adult child merely wishes to place the parent in a controlled situation so minimal work has to be done either in emotional or calendar time. The theater has portrayed this in such plays as I'm Not Rappoport and The Gin Game, and the audience has sat in the darkness seeing into their own what if mirrors. Many exit with the justification that Dad is better off in a nursing home or Mom is surely happier in a geriatric condo in Florida. We're concerned for our own lives and families, yet also for the generation that preceded us and unconditionally gave us love as well as financial and emotional support. We're straddling the fence of caring and confusion, acceptance and intrusion, freedom and burden. There's no support group to help us through our conflict. 3 http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm Coping with Grief and Loss Support for Grieving and Bereavement Losing someone or something you love is very painful. After a significant loss, you may experience all kinds of difficult and surprising emotions, such as shock, anger, and guilt. Sometimes it may feel like the sadness will never let up. While these feelings can be frightening and overwhelming, they are normal reactions to loss. Accepting them as part of the grieving process and allowing yourself to feel what you feel is necessary for healing. There is no right or wrong way to grieve — but there are healthy ways to cope with the pain. You can get through it! Grief that is expressed and experienced has a potential for healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich life. What is grief? Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. You may associate grief with the death of a loved one – and this type of loss does often cause the most intense grief. But any loss can cause grief, including:A relationship breakup Loss of health Losing a job Loss of financial stability A miscarriage Death of a pet Loss of a cherished dream A loved one’s serious illness Loss of a friendship Loss of safety after a trauma The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief. However, even subtle losses can lead to grief. For example, you might experience grief after moving away from home, graduating from college, changing jobs, selling your family home, or retiring from a career you loved. Everyone grieves differently Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold. Myths and Facts About Grief MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it. Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it. MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss. Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you. MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss. Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it. MYTH: Grief should last about a year. Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person. Source: Center for Grief and Healing Are there stages of grief? In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized them to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one or a break-up. The five stages of grief: Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.” Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?” Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.” Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.” Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.” If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you’ll heal in time. However, not everyone who is grieving goes through all of these stages – and that’s okay. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage in order to heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of these stages. And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them in a neat, sequential order, so don’t worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in. Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages of grief, “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.” Grief is a roller coaster, not a series of stages It is best not to think of grief as a series of stages. Rather, we might think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer. The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss. Even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief. Source: Hospice Foundation of America Common symptoms of grief While loss affects people in different ways, many people experience the following symptoms when they’re grieving. Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal – including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious beliefs. Shock and disbelief – Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they’re gone. Sadness – Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable. Guilt – You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person died after a long, difficult illness). After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done. Anger – Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry at yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you. Fear – A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone. Physical symptoms – We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia. Coping with grief and loss tip 1: Get support The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving. Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. Connecting to others will help you heal. Finding support after a loss Turn to friends and family members – Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need – whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements. Draw comfort from your faith – If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you – such as praying, meditating, or going to church – can offer solace. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community. Join a support group – Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers. Talk to a therapist or grief counselor – If your grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving. How to support a grieving person If someone you care about has suffered a loss, you can help them heal by asking about their feelings, spending time just being with them, and listening when they want to talk. Read: Helping and Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving Coping with grief and loss tip 2: Take care of yourself When you’re grieving, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time. Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems. Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her. Look after your physical health. The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll also feel better emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready. Plan ahead for grief “triggers”. Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved. When grief doesn’t go away It’s normal to feel sad, numb, or angry following a loss. But as time passes, these emotions should become less intense as you accept the loss and start to move forward. If you aren’t feeling better over time, or your grief is getting worse, it may be a sign that your grief has developed into a more serious problem, such as complicated grief or major depression. Complicated grief The sadness of losing someone you love never goes away completely, but it shouldn’t remain center stage. If the pain of the loss is so constant and severe that it keeps you from resuming your life, you may be suffering from a condition known as complicated grief. Complicated grief is like being stuck in an intense state of mourning. You may have trouble accepting the death long after it has occurred or be so preoccupied with the person who died that it disrupts your daily routine and undermines your other relationships. Symptoms of complicated grief include:Intense longing and yearning for the deceased Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one Denial of the death or sense of disbelief Imagining that your loved one is alive Searching for the person in familiar places Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one Extreme anger or bitterness over the loss Feeling that life is empty or meaningless The difference between grief and depression Distinguishing between grief and clinical depression isn’t always easy, since they share many symptoms. However, there are ways to tell the difference. Remember, grief is a roller coaster. It involves a wide variety of emotions and a mix of good and bad days. Even when you’re in the middle of the grieving process, you will have moments of pleasure or happiness. With depression, on the other hand, the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant. Other symptoms that suggest depression, not just grief: Intense, pervasive sense of guilt. Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with dying. Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness. Slow speech and body movements Inability to function at work, home, and/or school. Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there. 4 http://ssa.gov/pubs/10085.html Benefits For Children SSA Publication No. 05-10085, September 2009, ICN 468550 [View .pdf] (En Español) [Audio mp3] About 3.8 million children receive approximately $1.6 billion each month because one or both of their parents are disabled, retired or deceased. Those dollars help to provide the necessities of life for family members and help to make it possible for those children to complete high school. When a parent becomes disabled or dies, Social Security benefits help to stabilize the family’s financial future. NOTE: Disabled children whose parents have little income or resources may be eligible for Supplemental Security Income benefits. Contact us to get a copy of the publication, Benefits For Children With Disabilities (Publication No. 05-10026). Your child can get benefits if he or she is your biological child, adopted child or dependent stepchild. (In some cases, your child also could be eligible for benefits on his or her grandparents’ earnings.) To get benefits, a child must have: A parent(s) who is disabled or retired and entitled to Social Security benefits; or A parent who died after having worked long enough in a job where he or she paid Social Security taxes. The child also must be: Unmarried; Younger than age 18; 18-19 years old and a full-time student (no higher than grade 12); or 18 or older and disabled. (The disability must have started before age 22.) What you will need when you apply for child's benefits When you apply for benefits for your child, you will need the child’s birth certificate and the parent’s and child’s Social Security numbers. Depending on the type of benefit involved, other documents may be required. For example, if you are applying for survivors benefits for the child, you will need to furnish proof of the parent’s death. If you are applying for benefits for a disabled child, you will need to furnish medical evidence to prove the disability. The Social Security representative who sees you will tell you what other documents you will need. Benefits can continue at age 18 Benefits stop when your child reaches age 18 unless your child is a student or disabled. If your child is a student Three months before your child's 18th birthday, we will send you a notice that benefits will end at age 18 unless your child is a full-time student at a secondary ( or elementary) school. If your child is younger than 19 and still attending a secondary or elementary school, he or she must notify us by completing a statement of attendance that has been certified by a school official. The benefits then will usually continue until he or she graduates, or until two months after reaching age 19, whichever comes first. If your child is disabled Benefits will continue at age 18 to a child who is disabled. Childhood disability benefits are also payable after attainment of age 18, if the disability began before age 22. If you take care of a child If you are receiving benefits because you have a child in your care, the date your benefits will stop may be different than the child’s. If the child is not disabled, your benefits will end when he or she turns 16. If the child is disabled, your benefits may continue if you exercise parental control and responsibility for a mentally disabled child or perform personal services for a child who is physically disabled. Before the child reaches 16, we will send you a notice describing the conditions under which your benefits may continue. How much can a family get? Within a family, a child may receive up to one-half of the parent’s full retirement or disability benefit, or 75 percent of the deceased parent’s basic Social Security benefit. However, there is a limit to the amount of money that can be paid to a family. The family maximum payment is determined as part of every Social Security benefit computation and can be from 150 to 180 percent of the parent’s full benefit amount. If the total amount payable to all family members exceeds this limit, each person’s benefit is reduced proportionately (except the parent’s) until the total equals the maximum allowable amount. Contacting Social Security Our website is a valuable resource for information about all of Social Security’s programs. There are a number of things you can do online. In addition to using our website, you can call us toll-free at 1-800-772-1213. We treat all calls confidentially. We can answer specific questions from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m., Monday through Friday. We can provide information by automated phone service 24 hours a day. (You can use our automated response system to tell us a new address or request a replacement Medicare card.) If you are deaf or hard of hearing, you may call our TTY number, 1-800-325-0778. We also want to make sure you receive accurate and courteous service. That is why we have a second Social Security representative monitor some telephone calls. Read More