Functional and Dysfunctional Families (Family First) By Dr. Phill - Book Report/Review Example

Functional and Dysfunctional Families (Family First) By Dr. Phil From the opening paragraph of Dr. Phil’s Family First, the agenda set is a conservative one. Dr. Phil contends that family is the most important institution in one’s life, and he takes the side of the family against present day media with what he contends are destructive influences and messages. Dr. Phil also occasionally refers to his religious roots and immediately assumes that the family is made up of the father, mother, and children. Dr. Phil argues that, in regard to the many troubled children in the United States, the root cause of their problems lies with their families. In the book, he urges families to work closer together in order to improve communication in the home. If possible and necessary, Dr. Phil urges parents to prioritize their family and focus less on career and money or even pressuring their children to take up arts or sports. Instead, Dr. Phil preaches emotional connection with the children. He also argues that parents should be better role models to their children and turn their homes into well-structured environments. While this viewpoint is traditional, Dr. Phil; makes a right case for it. Dr. Phil’s book is strongly influenced by cognitive behavior theories and family systems theory. Dr. Phil emphasizes the need for the parent to scrutinize their own emotions and feelings, as well as family dynamics, in order to be better parents. He also devotes an entire chapter to blended families and divorce in recognition of the fact that half of American marriages end up in divorce. In this chapter, Dr. Phil emphasizes the need for parents in these types of families to negotiate and cooperate to raise their children (McGraw 40). One central issue in Dr. Phil’s book has to do with the claim that the family must come above everything else; it must be prioritized. However, he does not plump for the insular and isolated form of the family, but rather, a loving family that engages with its external environment and has an assigned responsibility in the community. The family, according to him, must be built on a vision of care. He stresses that needs to be a change rather than remaining in the conservative frame of mind (McGraw 41). Dr. Phil comments that, while it is easy to look at people and assume that they are descendant from a loving familial situation, it is important to realize that this is not always the case (McGraw 51). Children, in particular, he notes, tend to compare themselves with others and could end up feeling second best. He goes on to point out that all families possess their own distinct personality. He explains that if a family has a mother, a father, and two kids, then that is four people. However, the family is constituted by five personalities with that fifth personality being the family’s collective personality. This collective family personality is referred to as the family rhythm. All families have a rhythm, which can be smooth or sound chaotic like a pan rolling down a staircase (McGraw 51). Whatever rhythm is present, all families have a rhythm, and parents should comprehend this and all that it is. During the writing of the book, Dr. Phil surveyed some seventeen thousand parents with some interesting results. A third of the parents that responded to his survey claimed that if they had the opportunity of doing it again, they would think again about starting a family. Dr. Phil says that these people are contending that they are not up to the task of raising a family, and they do not feel adequate to do it (McGraw 31). On the other hand, fifty-three percent of interviewed respondents expressed that they had some resentment concerning the sacrifices that they had to make as parents. Some of these resentments come from some parents feeling that they would have gone to college, for instance, had they failed to become parents. Others also resent the fact that the children take up a lot of their money, energy, effort, and time. Additionally, twenty-nine percent of the surveyed parents let their children share their beds with them, but want eliminate the act and do not know how. Another forty eight percent of American parents admitted to feeling a very high level of expectation from their parents, which caused them to have high levels of anxiety, even as adults. Finally, parents agreed that the two greatest mistakes they made involved being overly lenient and taking out their pent-up stress on their children (McGraw 32). In the book, Dr. Phil includes five vital factors that help to create a phenomenal family. These are the creation of an accepting and nurturing family system, the promotion of a rhythm in one’s family life, the establishment of meaningful traditions and rituals in the family, the need for parents to be pro-active in their communication, and learning how to control and manage conflict. He also goes on to include several fun things that the family and parents in particular can do in order to make a difference or change in the home. These external symbols include having the children change rooms, serving of dinner in the dining room rather than in the bar or the kitchen, painting a new color in the den or the living room, getting a new hair style or haircut, rearranging the furniture, and plating some music in the house rather than constant watching of television (McGraw 60). Dr. Phil also addresses the challenges of a home suffering from divorce or separation. He contends that before he addresses the challenges that face children who have a biological parent who live elsewhere apart from home, or those faced by children where they have introduced a new spouse into the home. He should caution them that the majority of the hurdles that are faced by non-traditional family units are similar to those faced by parents existing in a traditional structure (McGraw 62). He touches on two vital points here; the first being that the introduction of a new partner into the home can be difficult and hard for the children. Second, he touches on the fact that traditional families sans divorce or separation can have just as much trouble as families that are held together by stepparents. From research, Dr. Phil concludes that no perfect family exists and that both types of families have a string of issues. Dr. Phil also seeks to aid parents who have started a family and require assistance and information, on how to stop destructive habits and come up with a rejuvenated home. He claims that parents can start to make choices and start day-to-day actions that aim at creating a phenomenal family. Whether one’s family is functional and they want to better it or it is dysfunctional, the home did not get to this point by mistake or accident, or even by the actions of an outsider (McGraw 76). Figuring out the problem in a family acts as, probably, the most difficult challenge to overcome. However, once this problem has been identified, recovery becomes clearer. Dr. Phil introduces various strategies aimed at instituting change in the family via the isolation of problems. The parents will need to look back at the methods utilized by their own parents for discipline and evaluate what things if any, were wrong. The parent is required to perform an autopsy and reflect on how they were raised by their parents. He contends that studies have shown that traumatic events in childhood can leave lifetime scars even if one remembers them or not. Adults who lacked affection and were neglected as children could tend to be more affectionate to their offspring, which could result in these children being over-protected and being too close to the parent, who wants to ascertain that they do not miss the love that they did not receive. Parenting goals that must be generated In the book, Dr. Phil says that his survey revealed that most parents agreed that they were too lenient on their children. This is supported by the parenting goals that need to be generated in the family. First, the parents must teach their children how to think for themselves. The concept allowance asks the question whether the parent is just going to give it or make their children work in order to earn it. Parents should attend school conferences (Harway 29). In addition, the children need to watch the way their parents support their teachers. In fact, it is very important that children watch what their parents do. This should help them establish and view the extent to which the curriculum at school is important to them. For a parent, it is important that he or she supports the school system and this should be done as naturally as possible. It must become a part of the child’s life and involves simple real deals as expressing one’s wish that they do their homework and then giving them a set amount of time to play their video games, for instance two hours (Harway 30). By doing this, a parent, will make a connection between school life and the child’s education without seeming too lenient or too hard. The parent must also teach the child how to feel. This is vital since, according to Dr. Phil, some parents may be suffering from childhood emotional detachment and may even take their stress out on the child. It is important to show children different ways of dealing with their feelings through the management of stress that should be started when the children are fifteen years of age (Harway 37). In the school environment, the parent must make sure that they attend all their child’s activities in order to show them that you care. If the parent is not ready to deal with this feeling, at times it becomes difficult to teach their children how to do it. God gave feelings to us as a gift and, as such, one must be willing to make the most of them. Responsibility connected to freedom Dr. Phil’s insistence on parents being careful not to be too lenient and protective of their children is reinforced by the idea that, for parents it is necessary that they teach their child the best of being responsible for their actions. Beginning when the child is around ten years of age, he or she is expected to carry out various household roles. These include; organizing their bed after they wake up, not letting people into the house when the parents are not in, letting their parents know where they are when they are out of the house, avoiding being in the kitchen when they are alone and not screaming around the house. The parent also needs to teach their children how to love themselves and how to get along well with others (Kaminer 41). The best and preferred way to do this is via loving themselves, which Dr. Phil reveals when he talks about giving children a sense of self-worth. On the same issue of parent leniency and children, Dr. Phil contends that it is vital for parents to show their children that actions come with consequences (McGraw 59). However, this should not be done while denying freedom to the children since this is one of the major causes of child rebellion. Therefore, the parents have to connect freedom and responsibility for their children. If children tell their parents that they are off to the library, then it is important as a parent to ensure that this is so by going out to check the veracity of their claim. Additionally, as a parent, it is vital to ask children why they are late and give them a responsibility to go with their afforded freedom (Kaminer 43). Freedom does not exist without responsibility. Additionally, it is important that we give them a chance to fail and, once in a while, commit some mistakes. It is also important that we prepare them for life by endowing them with the skills that they will require as adults when dealing with sex, financial management, and life in general. It is important to keep track of how the child is handling their maturity according to Dr. Phil since when a child is healthy; they will take care of the parents. Parenting Styles Dr. Phil emphasizes on the need for clear and effective communication with the children. It is important that the parent use the deal technique when communicating responsibility and consequences top their children. For instance, they could make a deal with their child that is aimed at giving the consequences for not upholding their side of the deal. If one’s children want to be granted more freedom, then they will need to shoulder more responsibility. In a majority of the cases, there should be a balanced side with the age of eighteen being the age at which they can legally make their own decisions (Nicholls 90). By, giving children responsibility to prepare for real life, it allows them grow up in order not to mislead their parents. The amount of relevant information given by the children makes the difference between success and failure. When Dr. Phil talks about overprotection of children, this manifests itself in the maturity levels of a child brought about by the dilemma of a parent who feels the urge to protect their child, which may lead to slow maturity. Essentially, a parent needs to drum these factors in before the child gets to eleven years of age because most parents do not have the parenting skills for those children over the age of eleven (Nicholls 90). Circumplex Profile Dr. Phil contends that, for every family, they must attempt to create an accepting and nurturing family system. A circumplex model, on the left vertical side (adaptability) has the following patterns; chaotic, flexible, structured and rigid while, on the top, horizontal side (cohesion), it has the following patterns; disengaged, separated, connected and enmeshed. In an enmeshed chaotic family, a child would struggle with closeness while in an enmeshed rigid family; a child would struggle with his or her self-esteem (Nicholls 101). A healthy functional family is one that has the characteristics of being; separated and flexible, connected and flexible, separated and structured and connected and structured. However, a dysfunctional family is one that is disengaged and chaotic, enmeshed and chaotic, disengaged and rigid, and enmeshed and rigid. In addition, a disengaged and rigid family can also be referred to as a military family, which is extremely dysfunctional (Nicholls 103). Dr. Phil is also of the idea that parents must be up to ensuring the establishment of meaningful traditions and rituals in the family. This is supported by material from the note. Each parent had parenting style. A lot of parenting styles are basic in that they seem to come from personal skills, and thus, play a passive role. If my dad were aggressive, then it would become easier to develop a similar behavior to his. However, if parents find it hard to follow a pre-determined pattern, they can stick in a pattern where they can learn and grow (Harway 78). In any case, passive parents find it much easier to bond with their children. A passive parent will tend to bond more. Every parent should deal with roles. You have to create (save room) for our children through shaping then to distinguish between a good and bad, between wrong and evil. When one does the right thing, then they will take the positive side (master shaper) while opting to do the wrong thing involves taking the negative side. In this case, it becomes easier for the child to figure out some of the parent’s motives, such as what drives them and makes them angry. This is best referred to as shaping of the child. It is imperative that parents start shaping their kids as soon as they become cognitively aware because it is a very important step (Harway 79). Shaping kids should occur through making sure to affect their lives by using positive influences from real life. Healthy family Finally, Dr. Phil makes sure to stress on the benefits that parents can attain by being adept, and handling and managing conflict in the family. There is a need to establish a routine, failure to which sets parents up for failure (Harway 98). Between a chaotic and rigid parenting style, a parent also needs to be flexible when dealing with wrongdoing by their children. They have the task of balancing between being best friends to a child and being a disciplinarian in case the child is wrong. Normally, this will result in a conflict. Parents, when attempting to resolve a conflict with their children, should be connected, between being permissive and authoritarian. They should be democratic and find a balance between being passive and aggressive (Harway 99). Most of all, the parent should be assertive. It is best for a parent to focus on the middle, instead of leaning on the parenting style diagram’s right or left side during conflict resolution. The parenting style that is flexible, connected, assertive and democratic has highest positive results. It also brings about a win/win resolution, high levels of satisfaction, as well as the least angry conflict resolution outcomes. Works Cited Harway, Michele. Treating the changing family : handling normative and unusual events. New York : Wiley , 2010. Print. Kaminer, Wendy. I'm dysfunctional, you're dysfunctional. New York: Soapbox Books, 2011. Print. McGraw, Phillip C. Family first : your step-by-step plan for creating a phenomenal family. New York : Free Press, 2004. Print. McGraw, Phillip C. The family first workbook : specific tools, strategies, and skills for creating a phenomenal family. London : Simon & Schuster, 2009. Print. Nicholls, Leah D. Functional Vs. Dysfunctional Families. New York: Long Island University, 2007. Print. 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