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Rafael C. Diaz, Chief Information Officer of the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), as the author, who is writing to the audience, Mr. Scott Lupin, Director of the University of Maryland’s Office of Sustainability (UMDOS)…
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Download file to see previous pages Furthermore, I edited the document two times after each peer review. The first peer reviewer was Robert Luo. He suggested that I should write more clearly about the exact identity of my author and audience, and why HUD intends to offer its TMS to the University of Maryland. He also suggested using a chart to compare HUD’s TMS with other existing systems. Moreover, he provided a good analogy also for the TMS, as he compares it to a central nervous system. He also recommended a white paper format because it can offer more technical and numerical information about the advantages and superiority of the HUD’s TMS compared to other systems. I addressed his issues by changing the format to a white paper one. I also determined a specific audience and clarified why the HUD is reaching out to the University of Maryland in particular. I did not include suggestions about charts and numerical detail because I will be going over the word count and I could not find relevant data at that time. I will try to include that in future drafts.
My second peer reviewer was Kevin Muldoon. He commented on my run-on sentences and unclear choice of words. He also wanted me to elaborate more on the goals of the Office of Sustainability. Furthermore, he recommended deleting the headings and explaining the relevance of and connection among my resources. He added that I should use a bibliography page instead. Moreover, he suggested that I should use a business letter format because it is the best way to get my extended definition paper to the target audience. I addressed these issues by fixing my run-on sentences and simplifying words and sentences to make them clearer. I did not think that I needed to elaborate more on the goals of the Office of Sustainability because I thought it was clear already that they wanted to reduce greenhouse gas emissions and to help resolve transportation costs and traffic issues. I also changed the format to a business ...Download file to see next pagesRead More
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