Persuasive Peer Review - Assignment Example

Peer review on “Technology Will Help You Become a Better Parent” The paper is appropriate according to the instructions, because it has 6 pages, it is double-spaced, and it has a thesis at the end of the introduction. It also uses four outside sources. The introduction hooks the reader with an interesting question. It provides background on some of the technologies used nowadays. The conclusion is good, because it shows the significance of technology to parents. It should add a summary of the main points of the paper though.

The thesis, however, is unclear, because it does not state the arguments that support the thesis. It also uses the claim of “common philosophy,” which does not automatically prove that the thesis is right. The thesis for me can be rewritten into: “Technology can help people become better parents, because it supports communication needs, it teaches children to be responsible, accountable and trustworthy, and it supports connectivity and family time.” The organization of the essay is clear, but better transitions can be made, where they are connected from one main point to another.

Not all paragraphs are related to the thesis. The second paragraph, in particular, does not talk about the role of technology in better parenting, and it is more focused on the role of communication skills for parents. Each paragraph has one topic only and one topic sentence, but sometimes, the paragraphs are too long. Some sentences can be removed, when they no longer contribute to the claims of the writer. The major claims are not supported with outside evidence. The writer uses personal experiences and anecdotes only to support her claims.

She should have used the sources she listed at the end of the paper to support her main points. The writer, nevertheless, responds to opposing views, such as concerns for young children having cellular phones and the impact of technology on quality family time. As for citation, MLA citation is not properly used. In-text citation is missing, and the works cited list is not completed and properly organized. The writing style is sometimes too informal, because of the use of contractions, and its excessive conversational style makes the paper less credible in proving its thesis.

Peer review on “Persuasive Essay: The Importance of Limiting Internet Activities” The paper is appropriate according to the instructions, because it has 6 pages, it is double-spaced, and it has a thesis at the end of the introduction. It also uses five outside sources. The introduction does not provide any hook and it does not end with a thesis. It provides background on some of the technologies used nowadays and some potential effects of technology of heavy users. The conclusion is good, because it leaves the readers thinking about their cyberspace practices.

It can be strengthened through reviewing the main points of the paper though. The introduction can also be enhanced through integrating some information from the other paragraphs and posing a strong thesis at the end. The thesis is unclear, because it is not stated at the ending of the introduction. I believe that the thesis of the writer is: Internet activities should be limited, because it promotes unhealthy multitasking practices and sitting for long hours, and it decreases face-to-face interactions that have negative effects on students’ academic, physical, emotional, and social growth.

Also, the organization is unclear, because the paragraphs lack topic sentences and clear transition sentences. Some paragraphs can be merged, as long as they support a major point. The major claims of the paper are not very clear, but they are supported with outside evidence. The writer also responds to opposing views, such as noting the effect of the internet on the ease of communication. As for citation, MLA citation is properly used through in-text citation, but the works cited list is not done using proper MLA style.

The writing style is engaging, because of diversity of sentence patterns used, but this paper should also be edited and proofread for grammar and choice of word problems.